Dd is coming home from university tomorrow and I’m so excited but ds isn’t because

[AgileTealSnake]

My Dd has graduated from university a week ago she studied English and I am very proud of her .

Ds is 13 and isn’t happy that she is coming home tomorrow he has been shouting at me constantly because he has to go back to share with 11 year old brother.
as she is coming back tomorrow he said why can’t she share with him I need my own room still I told him it’s because she is older than both of them and she needs privacy.

he said so do I I don’t want to share with him he is weird and he used all my stuff last time he goes on my phone and goes through my messages!!!I am not sharing with him end of story he said.

He has no choice I am not having his little brother share with his big sister in her 20s .

My sister is 5 years older than me and she had to share a room with me until she left for university.
And during breaks she’d have to come back to our old room.
Never once in those 22 years did I ever hear her complain - and she had reason to: I’m a pain in the arse.

Do you have a garden, Op?

Can you afford to build a small garden office room for your daughter to stay in?
Could she and her friends build it - if it came in a kit?

Other things I would do for the sanctity of your home...
Remove televisions and devices from your sons' bedrooms. Have smart phone only for use for a couple of hours per day, after school for the older son.
Take smart phone off second son until he is mature enough to engage with other people and their things respectfully.
If the two sons need to share they should be in the largest room and without a TV.
Look at the alternative of your youngest son sharing with his older sister. The sister gets to rearrange the room and stamp out the unsociable behaviour of her younger brother. This could be far less unsettling and could have positive ramifications for the family.
Insist that your youngest son wears adult nappies and gets help with his bedwetting.

Start requiring civil behaviour and helpfulness in exchange for normal liberties like phones, outings and favourite meals etc.

Both boys are 9ld enough to understand why their 20 yr old sister cannot share a room with a male sibling. They are also old enough to accept personal boundaries and to respect one another’s possessions. Be the parent in this and tell, don’t ask, the boys that they will be sharing a room. You could compromise by giving the boys’ room a bit of a makeover…….look at storage solutions, have a good blitz on decluttering if necessary, consider decorating but do get the boys involved , they will surely be less likely to reject the move.

Alrighty then….

I never went home after university because of this. Small siblings when I left were teenagers when I finished and making them share again would have made everyone’s life miserable.
No-one threw me out but I was bright enough to figure out the consequences and arrange my life accordingly. Paying rent isn’t the end of the world. Hopefully your DD will have a moment of clarity and sort herself out.

I wondered how long it would take before someone came on to point out that when your dcs are 18+ they are supposed to completely fend for themselves.

Absolutely this !

It sounds like your 11 year old is making life hell for your 13 year old. What consequences did you put in place when he broke your 13 year old devices? Or went through his phone?

I think the idea of DD moving to the smaller room sounds most appropriate and fair. I’m sure she coule have been in student accommodation during her uni times and gets idea of a box room? May encourage her to save more to move out quicker too.

also family meeting and clear boundaries and rules for the two sharing children but also for dd who has had independence and now isn’t going to have that same level so this is potentially going to get messy.

Well, I'm going to be a voice of dissent here. Firstly the 13 yr old shouldn't be "shouting" at you. I'd put a stop to that level of rudeness and disrespect. He has to share a bedroom and that's that. Secondly, have strong words with the 11 yr old about boundaries and and expectations. Your daughter is coming home. She needs to come back to her bedroom.
Don't build a room in the garden. There's one in the house.

This.

Though, but everybody has to compromise. It is unfair she gets the biggest room to keep her “stuff” while the other two are sharing a tiny bedroom. Send her stuff to storage, big bedroom for the boys and DD in the small one. simple.

… if you prefer to protect the comfort of DD and her clutter, whatever it costs, I can see why middle child is kicking off.

Tell your daughter to grow up and make her way in the world.

Poor lad. I agree that either the boys need to share their sister’s room and you get some sort of divider out up on the middle, or you do similar to the living room as it’s big - just a temporary ‘wall’, which is cheap and someone can out up quickly and easily.

If you can fit two single beds in DD’s room and they can get out of sleeping in a bunk bed do that! DD will have to store her stuff somewhere.

You need to do better. Your 13 year old son is telling you how tormented he is and you are not listening to him. Just worrying about yourself, your DD and your boyfriend who, are all adults!

If the lounge is big look at partitioning this off.

There is always a solution one that means you will have to make sacrifices but, that’s what adults do, put their children first.

This.

Everything is about what’s DS11 wants.

Your daughter should have the smaller room, her having lots of stuff doesn’t mean she gets the bigger room.

Tbh if this was me I’d be partitioning off and end of the lounge and sleeping there and letting my kids have the three rooms upstairs.

@MalcolmMoo me too.

No wonder we have a generation of kids with mental health issues when they are tormented and ignored.

Her youngest son will also have aged 5 years. He won’t still be an 11 year old child, he’ll be 16. He’ll probably have more in common with his brother at 18 than a siblings at 11 and 13 year old would - it’s a smaller gap developmentally the older they get. Still age appropriate for room sharing.

Older sister will probably be living with partner/friends by then.

I definitely wouldn’t be spending 50k on an attic conversion that might only be needed for 3 years. DD won’t be able to save much if her contribution is meant to cover that. It’s also a massive jump in rental between a 3 and 4 bed. It’s not realistic for most people.

Why? Why on earth would you give up your bedroom? Children can share. It's always been the case, it's not harmful, that's life.

I’m sorry but if I were your 13yo son I would HATE you for this. And resent the siblings for this level of poor and unfair treatment.

If the boys must share they should be in the biggest room. Is there an option that you give the kids the bedrooms and you take a sofa bed in living room? Not be forever but gives everyone their space and reduces conflict.

No it doesn’t - you’ve not said anything about how you’re dealing with the 11 year old who sounds like he is deliberately winding up his older brother, breaks his things, and gets exactly the sleeping arrangements he demands.

The boys should go in the biggest room, and DS13 should get a bed he can sleep in. If necessary get new bigger bunks and DS gets to go on the top.

DS11 needs to be told clearly he will not get to play what he wants when he wants. There will need to be a fair arrangement. He is not to touch anything that belongs to his brother or he will lose his stuff as punishment.

Your poor son. Do you love him at all?
-His brother broke his new PS
-His brother wants to sleep on the top bunk, but not too high, so as a consequence he is uncomfortable in a bed he can’t sit up in
-his brother gets to choose what he wants to watch on the TV in his room
-he was irinated on more than once during the night
-his previous sister gets to keep all her possessions whilst his bed is removed

I hope he manages to escape as soon as he can and find someone who loves him. The poor child.