I hate my toddler and I hate being a mum

[ButMuuuum]

Ok, maybe I don’t hate HER. She just turned two and is a wonderful child in many ways — funny, kind, clever, creative. She’s been ahead for every milestone, especially with speech; she speaks full conversational sentences and can even do voices and accents (sort of) for different toys or characters. But she’s also extremely quick to cry, weepy, clingy, prone to tantrums over the smallest thing, stubborn and can be sneaky. Nothing beyond the realms of normal for her age. In fact, most of my friends’ kids were significantly worse. She is basically a very nice little girl who is, unfortunately, two years old. But most of the time, I find being with her insufferable.

I’m stuck being a SAHM, something I know I should see as a privilege but which I actually feel is a massive burden. It was always the deal between me and my husband that I would stay at home, and it was what I thought I wanted. I’d worked in childcare previously (not with kids this young, but still), and I thought it would be a wonderful, magical, FUN experience to be at home all the time with my baby. My daughter was wanted and planned. I even thought we’d have another by now. No chance. I honestly don’t want the one I’ve got.

Motherhood is nothing like I thought it would be. The loneliness and the isolation and, oh my God, the BOREDOM. I am so unbearably, intolerably bored. It’s so monotonous.

I never get a break. My husband obviously has to work a lot to make up for my lack of income, but even when he is home, he doesn’t really want to play with her because he finds her endless toddler games as boring as I do. He’s forever sloping off to hide in some corner of the house, doing busywork and, I suspect, scrolling on his phone.

No grandparents. Mine are both dead and his are horrible and live far away.

I feel like I’m going to die of boredom. I’m so lonely and I’m so f-ing sick of playing Dollies. I cannot play Dollies anymore.

I’m so exhausted. And so disappointed with myself as a mother. I’m on the brink of losing it with her all day and she’s barely doing anything wrong — she’s just a normal kid. My own mother was a horrible woman and we didn’t have a good relationship. I didn’t even cry when she died — still haven’t. I thought I’d manage to be different from her and build a better, happier home and give my own kids a happy life and be a kind, warm, fun, loving mother. And I just can’t. It’s horrible. I hate being a mum. My life would’ve been so much better if I’d never had her.

You are allowed to change your mind!

Your husband doesn’t get the choice here. Your mental health is screaming that you need to go back to work. Very few people actually thrive as a SAHP in the toddler years! The monotony, boredom, isolation etc can be crippling. Talk to your DH and make it clear that part time work for you isn’t his choice and if he doesn’t want his DD raised by strangers then he can drop a day or two and raise her himself.

Someone who cannot even play with a toddler for an hour does not get to dictate whether someone else can cope with one for 80 or so hours a week!

It's fine to go back on the agreement you made before you had a kid. He is not your boss and he doesn't get to be a deadbeat but force you to be jobless and raising his kid by yourself.
Take that option off the table. He can actually function as a parent, or the child goes to nursery.

(I wasn't going to comment on the thread as I know I would hate to parent, so chose to be childfree, but the man forcing you to stay out of employment made me angry.)

That won't work. He'll bring in super critical granny.

If your husband is uncomfortable with strangers looking after your DC he can absolutely become a SAHD. What he can't do is "over rule" you about you going back to work.

You're miserable - it will be impacting your poor daughter, and it's much better for both of you that you go back to work and she gets to go out and make some friends at nursery. I'm pretty anti nursery for babies, but she's at the age where she'll make friends and benefit from the interaction with her peers.

@ButMuuuum

your husband can become a stay at home dad then if he doesn’t want your child in nursery. What’s the alternative?? You just be miserable??

I’m so so sorry op. I’m in the same boat as you, sahm with toddlers. The second child made things both harder and easier as well, strangely. I think you should get to know the women at the toddler groups. Befriend a woman who would be an informal childminder for a couple of hours every so often, for pay. You need this.. this is not sustainable

Sorry I haven't rtft, but have you tried not playing with her? I know that just sounds mad when you're in the habit and they're demanding, but it doesn't take long to get them playing alone if you keep enforcing the boundary.

Give 15-30 mins of really good focused quality time with her and then let her go.

Janet Lansbury is great for this, I swear by her. Listen to the audio book /podcast if you haven't got time to read.

When adults get involved in children's play, it actually stunts their imagination, especially when they're not really enjoying it - and I really don't know anyone who enjoys 'playing' with toddlers for longer than 15-20 mins!!

I'm a SAHM with a 2yo and 3yo - not in childcare!

You also need some some parent friends of you haven't got some already - play dates are essential to my sanity. They don't have to be your best ever friends, just people to share the experience with.

I get why you feel like you have to SAH if that was explicitly agreed upfront but just make sure he’s doing all the weekends and then count down the years until she goes to school (or better yet find a school with a nursery attached so he might agree to her starting early at 3!) or you could call his bluff and threaten divorce with 50:50 custody, pretty sure he would put her in nursery on his days! I love my kids, love spending my whole weekend with them, but no way could I be a SAHM for seven days straight every week even if I could afford it, it’s so bloody boring and repetitive. And if you do have a second, definitely make sure nursery is negotiated before you get pregnant again!

I was a SAHM with my son, and enjoyed it but it's not for everyone. I did have my parents coming over twice a week, and my Dad is amazing at playing with my son. You have no outside support and that's some of the reason why you're struggling. Your husband may not want 'strangers looking after his daughter', but I don't see him stepping up to offer you a break! I appreciate your husband is working full-time and the hours may be longer too, but my husband was in the same position but he still helped once home from work. Your husband is expecting you to manage your daughter 24/7. Being a parent is rarely what we imagine in our mind, it's bloody tough at times. You have discovered that being a SAHM is not for you, and that's OK, you are allowed to feel that way and change your mind. Your husband has zero idea what it's like being at home all day with a toddler, 5 days a week whilst he's at work, because he's never experienced it!!! You nedd to start friendships with other Mum's, at toddler group. Go to several per week if necessary. Personally, I would be looking to go back to work part-time. An evening job may be, so your husband can look after your daughter once he's home from work?! This is what my Mum did when I was very young. No child care fees required and no stranger looking after your daughter, whilst you get a break!

Two is a tough age, they need constant supervision and it can feel relentless and draining. I'm a sahm aswell which wouldn't have been my choice but the way life worked out. Its definitely gotten easier as my son has gotten older and has more independence. You need to make sure your getting time to yourself for hobbies and meeting friends.

@42wallabywaysydney

no, Op shouldn’t be “counting down the years” - that’s wishing her life away! And she doesn’t know how many years she has left, nor do any of us, nothing is guaranteed in life. Her child can go to nursery and her husband can suck it up!

Try buying a brio train set. I loathed playing dolls games with my DD but we both enjoyed playing trains. Small thing but could help you and your DH.

Jesus fucking Christ. If he doesn't want his child to be "raised by strangers", then he needs to be doing some parenting on the weekend and giving you a proper break. A few hours where you are completely unavailable.

Sit him and down and tell him it's this, or you go back to work and DD goes to nursery.

Disagree sorry, it may not be that simple. Of course she can have the conversation and hopefully her DH will be reasonable if he knows how unhappy she is but she is moving the goalposts if this was something he felt strongly about and they explicitly agreed pre kids. From her post it sounds like her DH won’t be happy with this and only she knows how it will
impact their relationship if she insists. Obviously she can get a job, enrol DD in nursery and tell DH to either put up with it or quit his job but that’s probably going to impact both their lifestyles and that of their daughter assuming he’s the higher earner, not to mention their relationship, so she might decide it’s preferable to grin and bear it for two years till she’s in school.

It was always the deal between me and my husband that I would stay at home, and it was what I thought I wanted.

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND.
He cant unilaterally force this
What is his big plan B if you do go back to work and he leaves / you leave?
Your child WILL be in some kind of childcare setting
I'd look at Childminders.
Also if you are insisting on continuing with this set up ensure your state amd private pension contributions are being adequate by your husband.

It’s true about the train set - wooden one from ikea, I loved playing with that. Also duplo house, building blocks, early learning centre space rocket and once over 3, playmobil camper van. A toy called Gears Gears Gears also got played with a lot by everyone in our house. And toys like these could encourage your H to play with her more (I really struggled with games where I had to pretend to be something, so I do know it can be hard) - but he needs to be on board with the basic concept of doing his bit and being involved and you getting breaks.

@42wallabywaysydney

things change 🤷‍♀️ you can’t know what it’s gonna be like until you have the baby and whether or not being a stay at home parent is for you. OP’s husband is just gonna accept this. The alternative is Op being miserable and counting down the months and years til she can go back to work - that is just not acceptable and not an option in my book. Op matters just as much as her husband and child.

Poor you. Can you go back to work? At least a few days a week? Your DH needs to step up a bit too

I guess she's not going to school in a couple of years then as they're "strangers"?

Your husband's stance is indefensible.

My DM is 83 by the way and still remembers how awful her first week at school was as she'd never been away from her mum. Who was also unhappy.

The goalposts have already been moved whether your husband likes it or not. They moved when your DD was born. You can't have any idea if SAHM is for you until you actually have a child to mother. Turns out it isn't. No shame in that

Tbh nursery has been the best thing I've ever done for my children. They get socialisation, a small amount of EFY education, as well as doing all kinds of messy play and activities I don't have to think up and then clean up. They also get a more happy and engaged mother thanks to the mental health boost I get from not having to do childcare 24/7.

They might never be more than acquaintances to me and DH, but my kids absolutely adore their nursery workers. Either way, they become than strangers. They become part of your village.

No one knows how parenting will be until they become one and it's completely acceptable for things to change and for you to go back on an agreement.

We simply are not designed evolutionary to be parenting alone and in isolation and this is part of the reason why many of us find it so hard. Children were never brought up with just one caregiver exclusively. We're social beings and children benefit from being with others and there comes a point in their development where they benefit from being with peers and others rather than just with their mum 24/7.

Nursery staff do not stay strangers forever and they don't raise your child. For me they are part of a village which includes myself and my husband. A good article I always like to refer to highlights the benefits of alloparenting and sounds like it would be worth reading for you OP. https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cnn.com/cnn/2021/06/15/health/alloparenting-multiple-caregivers-raising-kids-wellness

Your husband needs to get a bloody grip. Hiding from his daughter? He should be bloody well running home, chuffed to bits to play with her. And you need a break! He’s the one who’s been in Grownup Land all day, not you.

As for your situation with your daughter, I did the stay at home mum thing until 2 and then put my son into nursery 3 days a week. 2 years of being full-time mum was enough for me. If you’re waiting until 3 for nursery, here’s what got me through the drudgery:

Play dates! Endless play dates. You need to create your own village. Be confident and get out there to meet other mums. You can have adult conversation and a cup of tea while the kids entertain each other. I couldn’t have done it without the large group of mum friends I’ve made.

Get outdoors. All the time. As much as humanly possible. In a variety of places: woods, beach, park, farm…

Get her in water. Day time baths. Paddling pool in the summer. Water spray bottles in the garden. Water trays. Go swimming. Kids are always better outdoors or in water.

Heavily structure your days. You both need the routine. Get her busy with something in the morning after breakfast while you do what you need to do. Then play with her for a bit, then get out asap and stay out for as long as possible. We prefer to be out 10-3 and take a picnic lunch with us, then home to play, dinner, telly, bath, and bed.

Just saw this post OP.

Sorry, OP but this is laughable. Life changes. The comparison to your husband’s friend babysitting is ridiculous. You work in childcare, you must know this. You know the difference.

You are deeply unhappy and it shouldn’t be this way. As far as I’m concerned your husband should be read the riot act. It’s a real shame that you think he has a point. The absolute bastard is dictating all of this while hiding from his own daughter to scroll on his phone.

He can fuck off.