I hate my toddler and I hate being a mum

[ButMuuuum]

Ok, maybe I don’t hate HER. She just turned two and is a wonderful child in many ways — funny, kind, clever, creative. She’s been ahead for every milestone, especially with speech; she speaks full conversational sentences and can even do voices and accents (sort of) for different toys or characters. But she’s also extremely quick to cry, weepy, clingy, prone to tantrums over the smallest thing, stubborn and can be sneaky. Nothing beyond the realms of normal for her age. In fact, most of my friends’ kids were significantly worse. She is basically a very nice little girl who is, unfortunately, two years old. But most of the time, I find being with her insufferable.

I’m stuck being a SAHM, something I know I should see as a privilege but which I actually feel is a massive burden. It was always the deal between me and my husband that I would stay at home, and it was what I thought I wanted. I’d worked in childcare previously (not with kids this young, but still), and I thought it would be a wonderful, magical, FUN experience to be at home all the time with my baby. My daughter was wanted and planned. I even thought we’d have another by now. No chance. I honestly don’t want the one I’ve got.

Motherhood is nothing like I thought it would be. The loneliness and the isolation and, oh my God, the BOREDOM. I am so unbearably, intolerably bored. It’s so monotonous.

I never get a break. My husband obviously has to work a lot to make up for my lack of income, but even when he is home, he doesn’t really want to play with her because he finds her endless toddler games as boring as I do. He’s forever sloping off to hide in some corner of the house, doing busywork and, I suspect, scrolling on his phone.

No grandparents. Mine are both dead and his are horrible and live far away.

I feel like I’m going to die of boredom. I’m so lonely and I’m so f-ing sick of playing Dollies. I cannot play Dollies anymore.

I’m so exhausted. And so disappointed with myself as a mother. I’m on the brink of losing it with her all day and she’s barely doing anything wrong — she’s just a normal kid. My own mother was a horrible woman and we didn’t have a good relationship. I didn’t even cry when she died — still haven’t. I thought I’d manage to be different from her and build a better, happier home and give my own kids a happy life and be a kind, warm, fun, loving mother. And I just can’t. It’s horrible. I hate being a mum. My life would’ve been so much better if I’d never had her.

Sorry he is being a massive twat about this.
I can not stand it wgen my husband tries to hold me yo the standards of his mother 'my mum was very house proud' he says sometimes... he gets told to fuck right off.
An unhappy mum is not good for any child,
it is truely detrimental to their wellbeing.
Some of thr most wrll balanced and lovely kids I know went to nursery or had nannies.
You are keeping yourself in a box here, afraid to poke your head out and see the reality that you don't have to continue being trapped inside it.
What are you teaching your daughter here anyway, that a womans place is at home, under the restrictions and whims of her husband and can not have an opinion or change her mind or have a right to be happy.

I’m sorry you feel this way. I’m a mum of 3 and I know we could survive on my husband wage, tho I work to keep my mental health in good shape. We also have no one and the loneliness on maternity leave excruciatingly painful.
do you think finding a part time job would help?

Edited to say: my children got bored of me any way. they thrived at nursery 3 half days a week.

if your husband wants a stay at home parent- let him do it! He gets told what your decision is, he doesn’t get to make it!!
Happy wife, happy life 🥰

You're not a failure because what you thought you'd be like as a mum is different to the reality or because you've found out being a sahm is not for you. We all go into motherhood blind. We can't know what it's like in advance imo.

I think you at least need a break and that could be putting your daughter in a playgroup for a few mornings a week, if not going back to work. Just because you said one thing pre kids doesn't mean you don't discuss with your husband as and when things arise and agree on changes that need to be made. I think your dh really needs to step up when he's at home.

I was a sahm so I do get the relentlessness that can come with it, and when my ds was 2, my dh even suggested I go back to work if I felt that was best. In the end I didn't but there were always options open to me. Nothing is set in stone.

Re the playing, do more of what you don't mind doing. For me that's reading, crafts, play doh, magnatiles, baking etc rather than playing with dolls

If you continue like this, then would you want another child? Becuase if you are trapped now, imagine doing the same again. For another 4 years.

"s refusing to sign off on it"
is he your husband or your manager?

Go away and let him look after her for a whole week. He will soon enrol her in a nursery!

He doesn’t understand how hard and boring it is. I wouldn’t care if it’s changing the goal posts. It’s fucking hard and you need to survive. Go back to work part time. It’s an absolute life saver.

He doesn’t look after her enough to know how hard it is.

This. Your husband sounds awful OP, Im sorry. You need a break. Part time job and nursery or childminder would make a huge difference and benefit not just you but your daughter too. Otherwise starting school could be a huge shock for her.

I can feel every bit of guilt you've touched on.

Just a few minutes ago I had to get DD18m changed as she'd done a huge.poonami and ready for her nap (which will be 30 minutes even though she naps for 2 hours in nursery), she's kicking off then my DS4y is screaming at me for "I want a drink". I lost my shit at him and feel bad now. He's another toddler that doesn't hear the word no.

Mum is away on a Hen weekend. We've just been to the cinema for a baby and toddler showing of Peppa Pig and I got back to my car with a note on it saying somebody scraped my driver side door then drove off.

This day and these kids can just fuck right off.

And these two are very much wanted and loved. This isn't the calm, considered parent I thought I was going to be but at this point I am just surviving this weekend.

Sounds like work is a no so I think you need to work on her independent play skills. She should be able to leave you alone for a bit doing her own thing and that would be a big help for both of you.

@ButMuuuum
As someone who worked in education you must realise you are hurting your child and your future relationship with her.

She is too young to express (or properly realise) it - but it will all stay with her through the years - if something does not change in your relationship.
And even now - her clinginess may be a desperate subconscious attempt by her to make you love her… She gets care from you, sure - but does she feel really loved?
I feel sorry for you both.

You sound passive and accepting of your H’s control. It’s strange. You are not an indentured servant in this marriage. It’s perfectly normal to change and adjust as life circumstances change.

Do you really hand on heart believe that the you being a SAHP parent (the way you are) is better for your daughter than if she were in a nursery (9-13:00); you had a part time job; and spent the rest of time with her not being bored out of your mind?

Kids after 2yo need socialisation with peers on their own. Nurseries are not ‘strangers babysitting’ your child - they provide a beginning of our kids education. Your H is being ridiculous with imposing his baseless beliefs about childrearing on you and your child.

You call his mother a trad wife. However, you sound like a Stepford wife - one without voice; and agency; deferring to husband on decisions that are hurting your child and you.

Too bad. And, as I said - too bad for your daughter who will grow up with a mother who will resent her. Just like you did with your mother.

Honestly op I get what you’re saying, you’re not horrible for how you feel but you’re being ridiculous with regards to not going back to work.
if dh doesn’t want her in nursery he can reduce his hours and you work more to make up the money. Or he could work 4 longer days to give you a day back, or he could co parent when he’s home so you get a break. He’s not doing any of that because it inconveniences him.
you’re letting him decide and it’s not what’s best for dd. You’re allowed to change your mind on things. I suspect he agreed to do a bit of parenting too and look out for your (mental) health and he’s changed his mind on those things hasn’t he.

other options - join play groups so you can talk to other people, have a weekly schedule where you get out and mix with people every day, can you go to night school and he can watch her in the evenings or weekends. Can you join a gym that has a crèche, or even just go to ikea and put her in there for an hour if she’s old enough. Try the peanut app?

i loved my sahm years but only because I got lucky and had a network of like minded interesting fun women in the same boat. 16 years later we are still all friends. We all agree no way could you keep your mental health as a sahm without friends in the same boat. We are not designed to live like that .

I get why everyone is saying "get into work and put her in nursery" @ButMuuuum but actually I don't think this will really solve anything.

Your child will still want playing with, taking care of and ask a million questions at weekends/on holiday/in the evening and you and your husband need to find ways to be parents without feeding like you're losing your mind or "sloping off" every 10 minutes.

Your husband needs to be involved when he's not at work, he needs to bond with her, spend some 1-1 time with her and get confident about it.

It might be worth looking into talking to someone about your issues around your mum and how that will be effecting You being a mum, because it will all be linked.

There's nothing wrong with going back to work at all! But you both need to also put the work in to be comfortable at home at home because so far your daughter has a dad who CBA to spend time with her and a mum who is constantly on the brink of losing it over normal kid behaviour.

And she WILL pick up on all of this.

Sighed off? Does he employ you? What on earth is this relationship.

What a judgemental nasty post.

Seriously it's ok to not enjoy the toddler years. It gets so much better when they reach 4 or 5 and I mean a lot better!!

Go back to work (maybe 3 or 4 days) and arrange daytime nursery for her. You will feel so much better!

Sorry to hear this, toddler years are difficult!

I used to go out as much as possible- picnics, trips to the park etc. The best sort of toddler group I found was an art / craft activity group. It was good because it was structured. So I did that once a week . Also went to soft play regularly until I was put off it .
This was a while back but my dc started getting some pre school sessions aged 2yr 9months.

If your DH is refusing to ‘let’ you go back to work (WTF?), then he is an unpleasant individual OR he doesn’t really understand how hard you are finding this stage of parenthood (and it sounds like he doesn’t much like it himself). I think you need to talk further about how unhappy you are - which isn’t good for your child - and how minds can change when the reality is different from what you expected. If you won’t go back to work, then rather than “die of boredom” you need to change your mindset, or it’s going to be bad for your child having an unfulfilled, pissed off mum.

Go back to work part time. You don't need your husband to sign off on it if he doesn't like it he can drop his hours and look after his child. I love my son but I work 3 days and need that adult interaction and using my brain time!

He needs to go part time then. I think you need to show him what you've written and make him see that this isn't in anyone's best interests. A child at 2 can get a lot from a nursery. Going two mornings a week could be so, so beneficial and there is free funding from September. It would make you a better mum and she'd be getting so much from nursery.

You really need to go back to work. None of this nonsense about changing goalposts and your husband not liking the idea of nursery. This is not going to get better any time soon, remember the phrase ‘if nothing changes, nothing changes.’

For what it’s worth I was not a great baby and preschool Mother, I found it stressful, and relentless, and boring and irritating, yes I know. Work was my saviour.

My DC are 12 & 14 now and I genuinely love pretty much every minute I spend with them. I’m a much, much better Mother of older children, and that’s just the way it is for some people.

OP I've just read that you have a degree but no childcare qualification but lots of experience. Look into doing an Early Years Teacher qualification as it's free as no fees. It's a L6 one year course whilst in employment. Ir wont give you QTS but you can teach in a PVI setting, childrens centre, academy etc. I think the setting gets paid a grant of about £6k for you to attend a lecture once per week or so. You build up a portfolio of evidence with the children you work with in a day care setting. Look into it. Contact local day nurseries and EYT providers such as Best Practice. They tend to start in September. You can be paid whilst getting your qualification and daughter could maybe go into the same nursery. Good luck.

Oh but the OP openly saying she HATES her toddler daughter and HATES being a mum to her isn’t nasty? Wtf. Imagine your mum thought this about raising you? OP needs to get a grip and go back to work or she is going to destroy any future of a relationship with her daughter. Kids always know if their parent doesn’t like them. They ALWAYS know.

I know everyone’s situation is different but I cannot imagine my DH being so “ hands off”. Surely if you make a child together then you bring them up together & enjoy watching them grow & develop?! DH & I adopted DD as a baby & he was brilliant from day one. He’s self employed so had to work a fair bit but when he was home, we shared the childcare. I have such lovely memories of the 2 of them together.

Despite me saying ‘go back to work’, if I’m honest, I’d have never considered doing so if I’d had to the put the children in daycare. So I’m being really hypocritical. I was lucky enough that when bored out of my mind, I decided to go back to work 2 days a week, my mum and my sister were really keen to do a day of childcare each.

So having thought about it, I totally get your husband’s point.