I hate my toddler and I hate being a mum

[ButMuuuum]

Ok, maybe I don’t hate HER. She just turned two and is a wonderful child in many ways — funny, kind, clever, creative. She’s been ahead for every milestone, especially with speech; she speaks full conversational sentences and can even do voices and accents (sort of) for different toys or characters. But she’s also extremely quick to cry, weepy, clingy, prone to tantrums over the smallest thing, stubborn and can be sneaky. Nothing beyond the realms of normal for her age. In fact, most of my friends’ kids were significantly worse. She is basically a very nice little girl who is, unfortunately, two years old. But most of the time, I find being with her insufferable.

I’m stuck being a SAHM, something I know I should see as a privilege but which I actually feel is a massive burden. It was always the deal between me and my husband that I would stay at home, and it was what I thought I wanted. I’d worked in childcare previously (not with kids this young, but still), and I thought it would be a wonderful, magical, FUN experience to be at home all the time with my baby. My daughter was wanted and planned. I even thought we’d have another by now. No chance. I honestly don’t want the one I’ve got.

Motherhood is nothing like I thought it would be. The loneliness and the isolation and, oh my God, the BOREDOM. I am so unbearably, intolerably bored. It’s so monotonous.

I never get a break. My husband obviously has to work a lot to make up for my lack of income, but even when he is home, he doesn’t really want to play with her because he finds her endless toddler games as boring as I do. He’s forever sloping off to hide in some corner of the house, doing busywork and, I suspect, scrolling on his phone.

No grandparents. Mine are both dead and his are horrible and live far away.

I feel like I’m going to die of boredom. I’m so lonely and I’m so f-ing sick of playing Dollies. I cannot play Dollies anymore.

I’m so exhausted. And so disappointed with myself as a mother. I’m on the brink of losing it with her all day and she’s barely doing anything wrong — she’s just a normal kid. My own mother was a horrible woman and we didn’t have a good relationship. I didn’t even cry when she died — still haven’t. I thought I’d manage to be different from her and build a better, happier home and give my own kids a happy life and be a kind, warm, fun, loving mother. And I just can’t. It’s horrible. I hate being a mum. My life would’ve been so much better if I’d never had her.

You should not need permission to go back to work. "Husband won't sign off on it". I'm sorry but you have a right to make your own decisions.

I get that it was the deal before you have kids, but part of becoming a parent is accepting that sometimes we have to change our attitude and be more flexible. I had plenty of things I wasn’t going to do once I had children, but once the children existed, my mindset changed. Just because you agreed something 3 years ago, doesn’t mean you stick with it forever if it isn’t working.

(I’d also say a random friend babysitting is entirely different scenario!)

But you are allowed to change your mind. It's better for your husband to hate you (which would be unreasonable of him) than you hating and resenting your child because you allow yourself to be trapped. It's not her fault you are prioritising his stupid feelings.

You need to go back to work regardless of what your husband says. Find a lovely childminder who they will adore and you will all be much happier. If you can be a SAHM mum that's great, but a lot of us are not cut out for that and that's ok. And some of us come into our own with slightly older kids.

You can change your mind about wanting to be a SAHM the same way you can change your mind about wanting to have sex. It is your life. You decide. Your continuing active consent is required.

If he's not happy, let him give up his job and be a SAHD.

Of course you can't stick to a deal you made before you had children and knew what it was like. That is insane. Literally kind of psychopathic insane. Moving the 🥅 is when you say that you actually don't want kids after all and you want to put them up for adoption, or that you want an open marriage now. It's not saying that the way you care for your child isn't quite what you envisaged and you need to find a different way in order to keep your sanity and happiness.

Get back to work. I lasted four and five months each time. And make sure your contraception is watertight until this is resolved.

And what’s happening with your pension? Is DH paying into a private one for you?

If you’re not going to go back to work then stop saying you hate your toddler and get your big girl pants on and get on with it. She will know you don’t like her. Poor thing didn’t ask to be born now did she? YOU and your H chose it.

It is for this situation that the expression "I've come back to work for a rest" was invented!

sounds like you need to go back to work, even if part time.

Was the plan that he would avoid all childcare and never give you a break? Because it seems to me if he’s not even engaging with her and going off and hiding, he’s being very unreasonable. And you say you should do things by agreement, but in fact he’s not listening to you or caring about how you feel, he’s just blocking and vetoing.

How about suggesting if he doesn’t agree to this, he does bathtime or bedtime or plays with her for an hour every night, and does one full day per weekend, so you have time off? If he doesn’t want anyone else looking after her, he steps up. If he won’t or can’t, then that suggests he gets how hard it is and doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

As per usual this is a “D”H.
the sooner we can organise society to raise children without men, the better.

me being a SAHM was part of the deal when we decided to have kid/s, so me changing my mind now that I’ve realised how hard it is, is moving the goalposts.

But surely him actually doing some parenting when he's home was also part of the deal when you decided to have kids? This is a man who spends most of his child's waking hours without her, but who still chooses to avoid her when he could be playing with her- something he expects you to do day-in, day-out. He is not holding up his end of the bargain.

Was it part of the deal that he would do no childcare?

Yes. Very boring and very lonely. Because you already have childcare experience you could set up some things for mums and toddlers. Basically the main aim is to help the mums. Set up what would help you the most. “Stay and play” type things.

or. Find a nursery that is half days. Some nursery’s are geared up for stay at home mums and you only slowly increase your hours that your daughter is there. Then you get a few hours to yourself.

Don’t worry. I was lonely and bored. No one wants to hear it. We are “meant” to love motherhood but it’s hard.

Hug from me.

this situation resonated hard for me! Especially finding it hard to renegotiate with your partner. It’s all very well reading mumsnet posts saying “ignore him!” Etc but it’s not that simple.

Some ideas:

studying in the evening for something - where dh takes over the evening routine

doing a course or a hobby at the weekend where dh has alone time with dd

doing a swap with another sahm - one afternoon you have both kids and she works / knits / does yoga upstairs in the bedroom and another you swap.

stop playing Dollies! Dd does more of mummy’s things now (museums, book shops, concerts)

more stay and plays where she can play with others and you get a break

also audio fiction books saved me. Listening to different worlds while I tidied up / made lunch gave me a mental break

Having read your update I’d have another conversation with your husband and ask him what he thinks the solution is bearing in mind that you’re not coping and won’t cope for another 2 years until your DD goes to school. See what he suggests. I get that you staying at home was part of the plan but things change. As an idea could he condense his hours and have either a full day or half day off to do childcare? You get that time to yourself to do things for you - gym, spa, shopping, meet a friend, whatever you please. If this doesn’t work can you arrange to be out of the house for half a day when your DH isn’t at work, just leave him to it so he understands what full time parenting actually looks like.

I work 4 days, 1 day solo parenting, 1.5 days shared parenting with DH and 0.5 day to do my own thing. I appreciate my Saturday mornings to myself massively and it makes a huge difference to my mental health. I would not cope with being a SAHM, my patience would run out too quickly and that isn’t fair on DS. He’s just an extremely strong willed and lively but normal pre schooler. I think you have to try harder to make your point

Also, invite him to help solve the problem. Do it gently and regularly, it’s not an emergency but something needs to change. He might well soften / be able to provide some solutions if he’s given the space.

This problem is so easy to solve I'm shocked you felt the need to post about it.

Oh my god why are we pandering to these useless selfish men. Why does he need to be gently given the space to parent his own child?

Exactly. Too much capitulation to selfish arseholes.

You don't need for him to sign off on you going back to work. If insists that he wants a stay at home parent to raise your child then he can stay home.

What a tough read. Your husband seems to have pre conceived ideas of what child rearing SHOULD look like. And anything other than a SAHM = strangers. But let’s be real here, she has no grandparents involved and her two main caregivers either don’t enjoy or in the case of your husband can’t be bothered to engage with her. That’s pretty heartbreaking and not a good start for her.

Your post opened with you saying you hate your daughter. Obviously every nursery setting is different but in our experience staff loved our children and nurtured them in a really special way. They became like extended family. It’s such a shame that a stereotyped, dare I say it, archaic view of a family setup is resulting in your little girl spending all of her time with parents who don’t seem to enjoy the time with her, rather than with rested parents who may spend less time but it’s more quality time with her.
I worked part time when mine were little and recently went back to full time with one at school and the other at pre school.
They thrived at nursery and the time I spent with them was fun and engaged because it wasn’t relentless.
If your husband has such strong feelings about having a SAHP there perhaps he could drop a day and do it and you could work part time? It does feel you have a DH problem and a delightful daughter…perhaps she should be the priority especially as your own relationships with parents by your own admission weren’t ideal.

You need to go back to work part time and get her into nursery x

I see your update about nursery. I think look at some that provide half days. There are some things they provide that you just can’t. Before school you do need to have some instances where you teach your daughter that you can leave her somewhere and will always pick her up later. Other wise school is a big jump.

I would consider 1 or 2 half days. But go and look and have a think. If it helps you be a better mum go for it. Also exercise. They have some mum and baby classes. You will be with other women. It really makes a difference to well-being being in the company of other women.