I hate my toddler and I hate being a mum

[ButMuuuum]

Ok, maybe I don’t hate HER. She just turned two and is a wonderful child in many ways — funny, kind, clever, creative. She’s been ahead for every milestone, especially with speech; she speaks full conversational sentences and can even do voices and accents (sort of) for different toys or characters. But she’s also extremely quick to cry, weepy, clingy, prone to tantrums over the smallest thing, stubborn and can be sneaky. Nothing beyond the realms of normal for her age. In fact, most of my friends’ kids were significantly worse. She is basically a very nice little girl who is, unfortunately, two years old. But most of the time, I find being with her insufferable.

I’m stuck being a SAHM, something I know I should see as a privilege but which I actually feel is a massive burden. It was always the deal between me and my husband that I would stay at home, and it was what I thought I wanted. I’d worked in childcare previously (not with kids this young, but still), and I thought it would be a wonderful, magical, FUN experience to be at home all the time with my baby. My daughter was wanted and planned. I even thought we’d have another by now. No chance. I honestly don’t want the one I’ve got.

Motherhood is nothing like I thought it would be. The loneliness and the isolation and, oh my God, the BOREDOM. I am so unbearably, intolerably bored. It’s so monotonous.

I never get a break. My husband obviously has to work a lot to make up for my lack of income, but even when he is home, he doesn’t really want to play with her because he finds her endless toddler games as boring as I do. He’s forever sloping off to hide in some corner of the house, doing busywork and, I suspect, scrolling on his phone.

No grandparents. Mine are both dead and his are horrible and live far away.

I feel like I’m going to die of boredom. I’m so lonely and I’m so f-ing sick of playing Dollies. I cannot play Dollies anymore.

I’m so exhausted. And so disappointed with myself as a mother. I’m on the brink of losing it with her all day and she’s barely doing anything wrong — she’s just a normal kid. My own mother was a horrible woman and we didn’t have a good relationship. I didn’t even cry when she died — still haven’t. I thought I’d manage to be different from her and build a better, happier home and give my own kids a happy life and be a kind, warm, fun, loving mother. And I just can’t. It’s horrible. I hate being a mum. My life would’ve been so much better if I’d never had her.

Play the long game, a couple more years and she won’t be as difficult to be around. I hated the toddler years too, so draining on mental health. Saw my friend this morning at a sports event and she had her (perfectly pleasant) 3 year old with her - god I couldn’t wait to get away!

It’s a difficult time for many and I couldn’t do all the playing which is why I took them out a lot.
It’s sad that you can write that you hate your toddler. That’s a strong word. You need to make some changes because none of this is your toddlers fault.

Sorry your husband isn’t allowing you to work? What fucking century is this?

@ButMuuuum Your husband doesn't get to "sign off" on you going back to work or not. You just do it.

God, just tell him to bore off. Let him give up his job then if he wants to be a SAHD.

Your post did make me think about your relationship with your DM though, sometimes becoming a parent can trigger difficult memories.

If you got a part time job in a nursery and placed your DD in there then she wouldn't be raised by a stranger. Although there is nothing wrong with using childcare - my DC had one day at nursery and three with Grandparents.

Being in childcare would help your DD with social skills. Preschool is round the corner (I think my youngest got 30 hours age 3 in 2014, some were free some paid? Memory a bit poor now!).

Hang in there - what age do the creche in IKEA take them and do you have one near you - even if not IKEA? Just a short term respite a couple of times a week. You won't be the only sahm feeling like this, believe me.

In fact, I would say to him that if he won't facilitate you going back to work, you will divorce him, citing financial abuse, take your fait share of the matrimonial assets (which will most likely be more than half) and claim child support from him to help you pay for nursery. And then not only will your daughter be looked after "by strangers", she will also be from a broken home.

Sorry, calmed down a bit now.

you need to not continue with the status quo. Your daughter deserves not to be resented and you deserve not to be in a situation that causes your resentment to build up. This current set up isnt working for you, or your daughter or your arsehat husband, though I suspect he’s not had to feel the consequences yet.

Also if you find a nursery that will do overnight wakeups, care for them when they are sick, teach them to ride a bike, potty train them, shape their love of movies, and instil in them your values let me know because that’s when you’ve found a nursery to raise your kids.

You need to go back to work part time. Honestly in your situation you just need to overrule your husband on this. He’s not the one doing all the work with no break, you are and it’s not healthy for you or her.
My daughter is two and a half and goes to nursery whilst I work part time and honestly, it’s a lovely balance. Even then I still sometimes have my days with her feeling the way you do (made worse by being pregnant with baby number 2 and not having the same energy). But DD LOVES nursery. She has her best friends there and goes on about them all the time. She eats really well, actually naps there (doesn’t do that at home….) and is learning so much. She has very good language skills but days at nursery she comes home even more chatty. She thrives on the routine they give her that despite my best efforts I can’t always replicate, and you shouldn’t underestimate what they get from interacting with children their own age.

You need to fight your corner or suggest he goes part time and you share the childcare if he’s so opposed to nursery.

Why is he the boss? He doesn't get to overrule your decision to return to work. Don't allow him to make you his slave. He is being abusive.

Your husband is not the boss of you, you are allowed to go back to a p/t job & find a nanny/child minder/nursery - this is totally normal!

because he “doesn’t want our child to be raised by strangers”

And yet he’s not doing any of it himself. Only you are. So you can decide you need to work and that she’d benefit from nursery and he can back off and recognise that this is your decision.

What you’re describing with her only playing with you, sounds like she’s learned you’ll do anything for her, which makes sense as you’ve done your best to give her all the attention and quality time she wants, which is great for a baby. But she does have to learn you’re not actually her servant and there will be other adults in charge and she can interact with other children. It’s a transition that will prepare her well for school and help her grow, as well as helping you.

It also sounds a bit as if your H is dominant in your family and thinks he gets to make the decisions. No, you are two adults who have equal decision-making power and argue that since he doesn’t lift a finger with your DD, you know best what needs to happen in that department.

I can guarantee that if you separated and he had days where he was looking after his child he’d suddenly find he was totally cool with strangers looking after her.

You need to tell your husband that you're going back to work and your daughter is going to a nursery.

You can both work part time if he doesn't want his daughter in a nursery - but he doesn't get to direct you to stay at home full-time.

Would you be willing to leave him over this? He does seem to think you're a nanny, not his partner.
.

Oh gosh, you poor thing. I'm one of those mums who says they loved every minute of it, too. But I loved the gossiping at toddler groups and letting the children play with each other. I also know for a fact that I'm ignoring/forgetting the bad bits. And also, I went to visit my parents quite often, not that they were loads of help, but again, it was adult conversation. And I had two children who entertained each other. And they got on well, so it was easy, so easy to enjoy! There are so many variables that affect your enjoyment (including honesty of recollection!).

I do remember hating playing talking games because I'm rubbish at them. But I have literally just realised this wasn't just me - it's a skill to be good at them/enjoy them, and most people aren't and don't.

Your child would not be being brought up by strangers if she went to nursery, she'd be having her horizons broadened. And please remind him that he is not a stranger either. He needs to put his money where his mouth is!

And if I didn't make it clear you do have the right to go back to work!

Childcare is not being raised by a stranger - my DD adored her nursery key worker and every time she moved up a room the key worker would ask to move with her. Pre School were equally amazing.

I totally get it OP.
One thing a wise old woman told me once when I had my first 30 years ago as I was on her living room floor sighing and looking bored while playing , was „stop! It’s not your job to entertain them. Kids need to entertain themselves.“ Yes take part in games but you are not the plaything.

Havibg kids is bloody tedious when they are small. I offset it by going to groups every day and only doing very defined activities with mine, like swimming or reading at the library. I didn’t do that whole Dollie’s thing. My kids did. They engage din their own imaginary worlds.

All that said, I’d recommend going back to work. I managed 4 years over 5 kids in total as a SAHM. More than that was impossible. And those 4 years weren’t in a oner.
.

I’ve spoken to my husband about going back to work several times, at least once a week at the moment, but he is refusing to sign off on it

Wtaf? He is refusing to sign off on it? It’s not his decision. If you want to go back to work, go back to work. You tell him, you don’t need his permission. Do you let him decide any other of your life choices? 🥴

Definitely go back part time if you can, and check out Philippa Perry’s book — it sounds like your feelings about your own mother may be colouring how you are parenting your child, and it would be helpful to process them.

I really, really want to be kind because I know that the toddler years are relentless and exhausting.
The thing is, all I can think from reading your post is that this poor little girl sounds like she has nobody in her life who actually likes her and wants to spend time with her and that is absolutely heartbreaking.

Op please take a good hard look at how you can change things for your little girl’s sake:

go to the doctor because you do sound depressed.

look at going back to work maybe part time, she would probably enjoy nursery at this age and you would enjoy some time to be an adult (maybe think about a job not in childcare?).

have a serious chat with your dh about him spending time with dd and building their relationship. Think of some things he could do with her which would be fun but make it clear that he needs to start pulling his weight.

Oh my god, your husband does not get to sign off on whether or not you go back to work! Present it to him as a decision you have made, then give him the option of being a stay-at-home parent or looking at nurseries with you.

I am also a SAHM to a toddler and I mostly love it, but if I told my wife I wanted to go back to work before my daughter starts school, she would support me 100%.

Please make sure your contraception is fool-proof (as much as this is possible), and remind yourself constantly not to take anything out on your toddler, as none of this is her fault. Your husband, on the other hand...

For the sake of your relationship with your daughter you probably both need a break from each other.
Just put her in a nursery part time - it's free for 15 hours (actually 11.5 hours stretched) if you work part time. You can register as self employed and do literally anything in those hours, or do your work online to at weekends. Or get a 'proper' job and she can go to nursery more.

Also agree a creche at a gym is a good idea to get her used to being left for short times first

You and your child would benefit massively by her going to nursery and spending time away from you. She would be learning to interact with other children and adults who want to spend time with her and you would get a chance for some me time. You also might be pleased to see her at pick up time and want to interact with her more.
At 2 she knows you don’t like her, find her tedious etc that’s why she becomes whiny clinging and tearful, it makes me sad to read your post because this is the age you are building the foundations of your future relationship

Thanks again to everyone for your thoughts.

I have to stop reading in a minute because it’s nearly the end of nap time, but just in response to my husband “overruling me” when it comes to me working: while I respect everyone’s opinions on this, me being a SAHM was part of the deal when we decided to have kid/s, so me changing my mind now that I’ve realised how hard it is, is moving the goalposts. He’s not comfortable with her being in nursery and I don’t think it’s reasonable for me to force it or do it against his will or insist on something that he doesn’t feel comfortable with. To put the shoe on the other foot, I wouldn’t be ok with, for example, one of his friends that I’d never met babysitting our daughter, and if he left her with someone against my wishes, I’d be fuming. My way of thinking is, that’s kind of the same thing. Any decisions about childcare need to be unanimous. We might have to respectfully disagree on this.

Also, to those who suggested me going back to work part-time in a nursery and enrolling her at the same time: I wish! Unfortunately, I’m not L3 qualified. I worked in a primary school with a nursery and went all over the school, including Nursery and Reception, so I have heaps of experience but no qualifications. I mean, I have a degree, but not in childcare. Bloody brilliant idea though.

Hi OP you arent alone. Can you use nursery and go back to work. I really could never be a SAHM and many women also would not find it enjoyable or fulfilling. Some people love being eith young children and they go into childcare but most of us son't enjoy it full time and theres nothing wrong with that.
Mine bothbwrnt to nursery from age 1 and they are perfectly fine.

The other thijg ai did on mat leave was use the gym creche. I joined a gym that had 2 hours childcare a day, i just needed that break in the day.
We didnt have any family help so had to get creative on how to save my sanity :)