I hate my toddler and I hate being a mum

[ButMuuuum]

Ok, maybe I don’t hate HER. She just turned two and is a wonderful child in many ways — funny, kind, clever, creative. She’s been ahead for every milestone, especially with speech; she speaks full conversational sentences and can even do voices and accents (sort of) for different toys or characters. But she’s also extremely quick to cry, weepy, clingy, prone to tantrums over the smallest thing, stubborn and can be sneaky. Nothing beyond the realms of normal for her age. In fact, most of my friends’ kids were significantly worse. She is basically a very nice little girl who is, unfortunately, two years old. But most of the time, I find being with her insufferable.

I’m stuck being a SAHM, something I know I should see as a privilege but which I actually feel is a massive burden. It was always the deal between me and my husband that I would stay at home, and it was what I thought I wanted. I’d worked in childcare previously (not with kids this young, but still), and I thought it would be a wonderful, magical, FUN experience to be at home all the time with my baby. My daughter was wanted and planned. I even thought we’d have another by now. No chance. I honestly don’t want the one I’ve got.

Motherhood is nothing like I thought it would be. The loneliness and the isolation and, oh my God, the BOREDOM. I am so unbearably, intolerably bored. It’s so monotonous.

I never get a break. My husband obviously has to work a lot to make up for my lack of income, but even when he is home, he doesn’t really want to play with her because he finds her endless toddler games as boring as I do. He’s forever sloping off to hide in some corner of the house, doing busywork and, I suspect, scrolling on his phone.

No grandparents. Mine are both dead and his are horrible and live far away.

I feel like I’m going to die of boredom. I’m so lonely and I’m so f-ing sick of playing Dollies. I cannot play Dollies anymore.

I’m so exhausted. And so disappointed with myself as a mother. I’m on the brink of losing it with her all day and she’s barely doing anything wrong — she’s just a normal kid. My own mother was a horrible woman and we didn’t have a good relationship. I didn’t even cry when she died — still haven’t. I thought I’d manage to be different from her and build a better, happier home and give my own kids a happy life and be a kind, warm, fun, loving mother. And I just can’t. It’s horrible. I hate being a mum. My life would’ve been so much better if I’d never had her.

My dh didn’t want strangers bringing up the kids either. This was because he was left with childminders all the time and one of them had a horrible dog, she’d walk around naked sometimes and go crazy if he didn’t finish his food. So, understandably he had a lot of negative feelings about childcare.
He’s not a dictator though so was fine when I said I wanted to work part time and came with me to check out nurseries.
Op, this shouldn’t be a rule you have to live by.

I totally agree. It's like comparing apples and oranges. It's a totally different scenario.

You say decisions need to be unanimous but all I see from your posts is your husband seeming to be the one who gets the final say. This your life too and you don't need to be a passenger in it. I can't see how you being at home is benefiting you or your child. You say you hate it and you have feelings of hate towards your child. Children aren't stupid and they'll pick up on this. There is absolutely no benefit to a child with a stay at home parent who is completely unhappy and miserable.

Your partner needs to drop a day or two at work if he doesn't want her in childcare.
I also hope he's paying you half his salary into a bank account he has no access to

I've been a SAHM for 3 years. I find it hard and it drives me insane at times but I also find it rewarding. I wouldn't feel bad if you need or want to do part time work to save your sanity.

I met someone at play group once who said they'd originally wanted to be a SAHM, did it for a year and realized it wasn't for her so went back to work. I hope it makes you feel better to know that you are not alone.

I found 2-2.5 the hardest in terms of tantrums and behaviour. At about 2.5 things got easier and my child is capable of independent play now and will be starting preschool soon, so some of this will be resolved with time too.

It is totally reasonable for you to "move the goal posts". How on earth were you supposed to comprehend what being a SAHM was like before you had kids? If he doesn't want his child looked after by strangers, he can look after her 50 per cent of the time and share the responsibility.

It was a naive deal to make, and I don't think it's stands because of this. It's not like you knew what you were getting yourself in for? Any kind person would not hold you to this. Go on a 2 week holiday, leave him with the child and see what he says after that.

You have a DH problem not a DD problem. I get that it’s repetitive, tiring and relentless (also have a 2yo) but your post made me tear up. My DD is the same, will have a proper conversation with you, she’s loving, kind, funny, stroppy and strong willed and I’m tired but I have a DH who is a team player, he runs our business and still parents. Both of you sound like you’re avoiding her and she will pick up on the vibes from you.

Just to add, my suggestions are just to try and help the situation you are in.

But you absolutely have a DH problem. He can not forbid you from working, and he doesn't get to 'slope off' whenever he's a home. No wonder you're miserable!

Exactly what I was coming on to say. I know you agreed that but that was obviously before you had started the “job”. I absolutely love my child but I know being a SAHM was starting to make me go a bit mad and that’s with a partner who is genuinely brilliant with her. If he doesn’t want her to go to strangers he can become a SAHP and show you how it’s done.

Don't play dollies

Go outside and play

Lower expectations

Go back to work

Ffs it's not rocket science is it

Nice.

OP your husband's "raised by strangers" comment is ridiculous. When anyone starts something new ie a job, university etc the other people are strangers but we get to know them.

When your DD starts school, the teachers will be strangers but she'll get used to it. If she can go to nursery for part of the week it will prepare her for school or his your husband expecting you to stay at home with DD until she's an adult?

Evening all. Thank you to everyone who commented for your engagement with this post, in particular to those who showed grace and empathy and gave me the listening ear and void-to-shout-into that I obviously needed.

Although I did mean what I wrote at the time, you honestly caught me in a bad mood on a bad day at the end of a long week. Of course I don’t hate my daughter. And I don’t hate being a mum all the time. I hate some of her behaviour, and I hate the boredom and repetitiveness of the same games and the same stories and same routines all day, every day. But I do find it rewarding and we do have fun much of the time.

There’s just a fair bit going on at the moment: my husband is working constantly (he worked 56 hours last week), our daughter’s final pair of teeth are coming in, she’s going through a particularly stroppy phase, her sleep has regressed (possibly because of the heat), potty training isn’t going very well, I’ve had to stop running (I normally run almost every morning before my husband goes to work, but I’ve got an injury and am taking a break and it’s literally killing me, I don’t know how non-runners get through the day). It’s just a lot. On top of what is already a hard job.

I think it’s interesting that, of all the jobs in the world, we only expect SAHPs to love what they do 100% of the time. In any other role, you’re allowed to bitch and moan and struggle and hate it sometimes, and feel out of your depth when it’s hard, and you have colleagues to complain to who will agree with you. Doctors and teachers complain about pay and conditions constantly. They’re on strike every five minutes. But when a SAHP, who works 24/7 365 with no breaks, no pay, no Union, and a tiny tyrant boss who cries at least once per hour, says THIS SUCKS, I HATE IT, I WANT TO QUIT, a lot of people’s first response is to say that the person is not fit for the job and should go and do something else.

Being a SAHP isn’t right for everyone. But I’m willing to die on the hill that even parents for whom staying at home with their kids is the right decision, are allowed to struggle and hate it sometimes. I don’t think that having bad moments, bad days, whole bad weekends, is a sign that someone is neglectful or resentful toward their child (as some commenters here have suggested), or that the child would be happier in a childcare setting (as others have said).

My daughter, as described in the original post, is funny, smart and loving. She’s shy, but smiley and generally happy, well-adjusted and well-behaved. You can tell from the way that she plays with her toys and speaks to us that she is loved and treated with kindness: “Come here Dolly, well done, you so clever”. When I hand her something, she says, “Thank you Mummy, you so sweet”. She is clingy with me, but from what I’ve read of attachment theory, this is normal for a child of her age and often a sign of a healthy attachment. No health professional has ever had anything but praise for us and for her.

We live in quite a rural area, so there’s not much for us to do or many groups for us to attend to keep us occupied, but her independent play is improving every week. I’ve heard people say that tantrums start improving around 2.5, and my daughter is only 25 months, so I live with hope. We will look into Nursery at some point, but not today.

You sound like a lovely mum, OP. In a world where many parents prop an iPad in front of 2 years olds, you’re engaging her with important, imaginative play.

My husband and I felt like what was years grovelling around the floor playing the world’s MOST boring games with our eldest. One was an imaginary scenario re-enacting ‘Miss polly had a dolly’ with duplo, and the other involved the the playmobil refuse truck and lots of urgent rubbish collection.

The days are long but the years are short. We all have bad days.

All you've said is true Op.

I didn't enjoy every minute either and I too love my children. I knew very quickly that being a sahm wasn't for me. But hopefully will get better for you as they get older.

All I'd say is consider getting a part time job as really think a bit of adult time is really healthy and nursery my ay benefit little one too. My children learnt lots at nursery that I could never have taught them at home.

This is all well and good and lovely OP, but I would have a serious think about your husband. Major red flags with insisting you be a stay at home mum with no wiggle room to look into childcare options at all, and at the same time hiding from his own child because he can’t be bothered playing with her and would rather scroll his phone.