WFH and childcare for step daughter

[Helpme1992]

I am 33 (f) with my partner 33 (m). I don't have any children, my partner has a child 9 (f) from a previous relationship.
I WFH the majority of the time for a local authority, so not for myself. I have a high demanding stressful job of managing a finance team.
Whenever my step daughter is poorly or it is the school holidays and her mother hasn't arranged suitable childcare, she always asks me to look after her because 'I work from home so I can look after her'. Everytime she has asked me I have always said no. This is starting to cause friction from step daughters mother to my partner.
However, I don't see why it is any different to someone who goes to a place of work who cannot look after a child, to someone who WFH.
I am in meetings, training, phone calls and I sit in silence with no TV/music on when working. I need to concentrate. I cannot look after a poorly child whilst I am also working. On some occasions when I have been asked, I have actually been in the office (I do go in every other week).
However when I am WFH the opinion is that I should just be able to look after her.
It also doesn't help that step daughter does not listen to me very much. When I ask her to do something, or not do something, she more often than not ignores me, and I have to repeat myself 10 times or ask her dad to sort her.
If I have to say to her, you cannot talk to me for the next 2 hours I am on a meeting, she won't listen and will try and come and talk to me. Making it even more difficult.
It is my career, it is important. I don't have children of my own and yes I respect and understanding being with my partner he has a daughter, so that comes with additional factors, but I do not see how that should affect my work.
Am I in the wrong?

Say no. Its up to your husband and his ex to sort out childcare.

Being a child isn’t failing to teach respect. I can’t stand when people assume that a kid hasn’t been brought up properly because they act like the literal child that they are.

She probably doesn’t listen to her stepmum because there’s some kind of issue there. With no further information, I’ve no idea what that is, but none of that means that the kid hasn’t been raised to be respectful 🙄

I've worked from home for around 15 years. I never even looked after my own children while also trying to work. If they were ill I either took parental or annual leave - or made alternative childcare arrangements with the grand parents or a friend or something.
Just because we had to work and have kids during Covid days - does not mean that should now be the norm.

Keep saying no - and if it causes an issue with your partner and his ex - that's his problem to sort not yours.

I agree with this - I feel like we went bananas during Covid and decided that children didn’t actually have to be looked after and/ or work didn’t need to be done properly.

Refusing to follow instructions given by the person your parent has left in charge of you is massively disrespectful and if it was my stepdaughter my husband wouldn't be having it. Plenty of "literal children" are capable of doing as they are told and listening to adults at the age of 9.

due to his work isn't always able to drop everything.

And this is different from you how, OP?

I’m going to go against the grain here and say you should be doing more to help. When a child is poorly or needs childcare in the holidays it’s natural for parents to turn to their “village” to support - you’re one of those and they are asking, not telling. That poor child, knowing their stepmother couldn’t care less about them.

There are occasions when I have looked after my ill child while WFH. I've been honest with my manager about it too, and the reason I've worked instead of taking a day off is because there has been a key meeting I need to attend. My child is around the same age as your DSD and can get himself a snack and watch a film. However, I would NEVER expect someone else to look after him when he's unwell(except his dad), particularly if it is a tummy bug or anything else potentially infectious. YANBU.

You cannot work and look after a child. The fact that you are working from home is irrelevant - other than the fact that the SD's mother is looking to use the OP for the sake of convenience.

You don't understand how she manages with only working 2 to 3 hours per day? Maybe it's because she struggles with childcare? You do say it's between the two of them but in your opening post, it's the mum getting the majority of blame.
I definitely would set boundaries, however, if it's only for 2 hours I would definitely look after my stepchild who was sick.

People like your DH and his ex are the reasons why people view WFH as a piss-take. There is no way that someone working from home can properly care for a sick child if they are doing their jobs properly.

You DH or his ex need to take annual leave or unpaid parental leave if their daughter is too ill to go to school. It is not your responsibility and you shouldn't be jeopardising your job or your reputation at work.

How bizarre to suggest to block someone rather than just respond saying no! What is wrong with you?

Or the mother and father of the child explain that OP is working so can't look after her.
It seems like the parents have assumed (cos OP WFH) that she is the child's "village".

She can't look after this child because she is working. Why isn't the child's dad doing more? It's not OP's responsibility.

Surely people in their 'village', must have agreed that they will provide support and care for this child? OP hasn't done that. You can't include her in the 'village' without her consent.

Well like I said it’s not your issue at all and I would just politely say no, it’s not possible for you to mind her and keep repeating this. Do they spend equal amounts of time with their child? If so then both being responsible for your own time makes sense, but if she’s the default parent because she doesn’t work summer times then I do think dad needs to step up and be part of a proactive plan for the summer. I presume dad never goes for a drink with his friends?

All you need to say is "no, I'm sorry I can't do that, my contract of employment is very clear that when working from home I am not expected to fulfil caring responsibilities at the same time. It would put my job at risk"

I agree partly, as a live in partner of a person of a child you have to be willing to automatically part of that villiage. If not you shouldn’t have a live in relationship with someone who has active role in their children’s lives.
it shouldn’t be fully up to op to always be on her to so the childcare. From reading the childcare in holidays for drinking /going out asked last min id say no. But if was odd sick day and I could mange my work load then I’d say yes. I work in a school office and from home and yes I work solidly when at home. If she’s lunch time supervisor her work hours at max would be 11-2 so if you had no meetings on that time then it is unreasonable to say no IF dad can’t do it.

but if so have meetings that time then yeah mum or dad have to take the hit. But to never help out is unreasonable. As they are your step child so you should have a relationship with them, the child sounds confused & playing up to needing stability.

But he doesn't seem to be doing that, does he?

The clues in the name- ‘’ ‘work’ from home! ‘’.

If she’s made plans to go clubbing, and hasn’t arranged childcare, then the simple solution is that she can’t go clubbing!

Normally I’d say it’s nice to help one another out, but there’s helping and there’s being taken advantage of. If you were genuinely free, and the child was genuinely ill, then it would be good to look after her. But for the mum to go socialising and you’re working, no.

You must continue to say no. It does not matter whether the child is badly behaved - she could be an angel and still the answer should be no. You are AT WORK!

I agree with this.

I think every other poster on the thread has said it.

You are working, therefore you can’t look after a sick or a healthy child especially not one who has two parents who could sort out childcare between them AND who is disrespectful towards you and doesn’t understand that when her parents have entrusted her to your care that she needs to accept your authority,

Yes, she is asking me directly; she never goes to my partner to ask, always straight to me
I hate the view that childcare has to be arranged between women.

My partner is self-employed and due to his work isn't always able to drop everything
Too bad. Owning a penis doesn't mean you're incapable of rearranging your work, when your child is ill.

But I agree at times he could do more!
So tell him. He needs to parent his child.

These men and their so-important, allegedly vital employment, which cannot be interrupted, really annoy me.

the more I read (and because OP won’t tell us how much time each parent has) the more I suspect this is as much a dad issue as a mom issue. I love how dad’s work (self employed so therefore his own boss) can’t possibly drop everything but mom presumably could tell the school to rearrange a training day. It could be that mom isn’t interested in working and deliberately choose a job with a few hours… or she may be working around school hours because she’s assumed to be the default parent. If she had a busy important job like OP, would dad do 50/50? To be clear I’m not suggesting OP needs to support at all, but maybe it’s not just about putting it back to mom.