WFH and childcare for step daughter

[Helpme1992]

I am 33 (f) with my partner 33 (m). I don't have any children, my partner has a child 9 (f) from a previous relationship.
I WFH the majority of the time for a local authority, so not for myself. I have a high demanding stressful job of managing a finance team.
Whenever my step daughter is poorly or it is the school holidays and her mother hasn't arranged suitable childcare, she always asks me to look after her because 'I work from home so I can look after her'. Everytime she has asked me I have always said no. This is starting to cause friction from step daughters mother to my partner.
However, I don't see why it is any different to someone who goes to a place of work who cannot look after a child, to someone who WFH.
I am in meetings, training, phone calls and I sit in silence with no TV/music on when working. I need to concentrate. I cannot look after a poorly child whilst I am also working. On some occasions when I have been asked, I have actually been in the office (I do go in every other week).
However when I am WFH the opinion is that I should just be able to look after her.
It also doesn't help that step daughter does not listen to me very much. When I ask her to do something, or not do something, she more often than not ignores me, and I have to repeat myself 10 times or ask her dad to sort her.
If I have to say to her, you cannot talk to me for the next 2 hours I am on a meeting, she won't listen and will try and come and talk to me. Making it even more difficult.
It is my career, it is important. I don't have children of my own and yes I respect and understanding being with my partner he has a daughter, so that comes with additional factors, but I do not see how that should affect my work.
Am I in the wrong?

You are working you can't look after a sick child.
People who don't understand that work from home means work not being on holiday are very annoying
The parent's should take the day off work.

She's a fool then.

You may well have been able and willing to keep an eye on a poorly 9 year old (asleep, or in bed/on sofa just needing a remote control and drinks), but because of her piss taking you've had to (rightly) be very firm.

FWIW - I have WFH for years and no one has ever thought I am doing anything other than working. I have been grateful for the flexibility this has afforded me when it's come to my own children (lone parent), but never had anyone else assume I can care for their children.

How ofter does she stay with you? What did dad for childcare before you came on the scene?

My eldest has a great stepmom but I cannot imagine asking her do this! It’s a cheek. Firstly not your responsibility, secondly you’re working!

The child’s parents need to figure it out.

Wow it’s a unanimous YANBU, OP! Quite rare!

How has CF mum got your phone number? Just block her and tell your partner SD is not your responsibility.

You are absolutely not in the wrong at all. This is not for you to sort, and WFH is not a reason to make you default childcare.

However, as many have said, the days off when she’s sick and the holidays should be 50% for your husband/ partner (forgot which it is) to cover. She shouldn’t be asking you, but he should be stepping up as a matter of course and doing his share.

Tell her it’s against your workplace policy.

I actually hate working with my own 11 yo, who does listen and just sits and watches TV when sick, in the house.

Also self-employment isn’t a reason he shouldn’t do his bit.

No I’m working. It’s a complete sentence - no?

As everyone else has said, no it is not up to you to mind SD.

I WFT too, I have 2 children granted they are much younger (2.5yr and 9 months) but no way could I possibly work with them! My boss is very understanding and I did have to collect the toddler a few times when he was sick. I still would be 'on call' for the day but with the understanding that I would catch up on my work that evening.

I have had so many ppl say to me I must save a fortune on childcare, thinking I have them at home with me.

If SD listened and just sat on the couch with a duvet watching whatever 9yr olds watch. Then no I prob wouldn't mind having her the very occasional time she was sick. But not if she is in disrupting my work.

That was acceptable during covid - we all had calls where a child would walk it. But it is no acceptable now.

She is wrong to ask you. Tbh she doesn’t need any contact with you at all; if she’s not listening to you and respecting you, stop replying completely and tell your DH to deal with her.

“she is asking me directly”

What? Why in earth do you have any direct communication with your DP’s ex? Just tell her once and for all: it’s for her and DP to sort out childcare - not your daughter, not your problem. Of course you are going to be nice to the DSD when she is at your house, but in terms of being on-tap childcare? Not a chance, and vvv unreasonable of her to expect childcare while you are at work, wherever you may be working from.

I’ve worked from home for 10+ years and there’s no way I’d look after a child whilst I was wfh. To me there is no difference between being in the office or the home office. Ypur partners ex is being very unreasonable

You should just tell your partner that you intend to refer her back to him every single time and if he ever thinks about agreeing to anything on your behalf, kitchen implements shall be introduced to parts he’d rather keep intact.
Next call: “Ask her father.”

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but if she was better behaved most 9 year olds should be pretty self sufficient and easy if poorly. Under 5s is clear cut for me- no working with a child that needs care but at that age it’s very possible to do a full day of work while they watch tv and snooze on the sofa.

So… if your step daughter listened to you, you might be more amenable to trying it. Given she doesn’t, I can see why it’s a no.

What's the living arrangement?
Is it 50/50 or is she with dad (and you) just weekends?

I do think that probably effects things here.
Not that it should automatically fall to you if it is when she is with you and her dad but, regardless of her dad being self or otherwise employed, he will have to just figure things out sometimes.
Though I suspect he might then resent you for not 'stepping up' and it's easier all round is the conflict is between you and ex and not you and him?

Both parents (not step.parents) should be sharing the load of looking after children when they are ill - not just the mother.

This X a million!

Many organisations have introduced wfh policies that mean that childcare is not allowed during the employee working hours

I’m so pleased that you’ve been consistent with the refusal to do this, but yet they both still think it’s okay to pressure you.

you need to give your DP both barrels on this tbh. HE needs to be responsible for his child in the absence of the child’s other parent, not you.

I don’t think there’s any reason why SD’s Mum should be contacting you directly at all. Any issues related to their shared child should be between the Mum and Dad.

This, whether mum is part time, or full time, dad should be taking some of the time off to look after his child when she’s unwell. Shouldn’t always fall on the mum to sort out.

I would say he’s lucky that she works in a school otherwise he’s be having to look at covering 50% of the holidays.

Absolutely not unreasonable that you can't look after the child while working. Just say no and keep saying it. It's up to both her parents to sort out childcare between them. Next time she messages you, just forward the message to your husband to sort out.

Unfortunately there are a load of threads on MN where people do swan about and get all their house and admin in order whilst just checking in on work quickly here and there. I on the other hand have a full on WFH role so fully appreciate it’s NOT possible to look after a sick child at the same time. Stick to your guns OP, your DP and his ex need to find another solution

This is between the mother and the father and you are only an option if you volunteer, which you clearly don't.