Husband mum broke her wrist and pubic bone and he wants to fly to Spain for 24 hours, leaving me, our 6 week old and our toddler behind

[DreamWaves]

My husband’s mum had a bike accident and broke her wrist and pubic bone and can’t currently walk. She lives in Spain with her husband and daughter (we live in London). My brother in law is flying out to help. My husband also wants to fly out for 24 hours, more for ‘emotional support’ than anything and to ‘rally round’ their mum as a family. He wants to go as much for himself as for her.

However he’ll be leaving me alone with our 6 week old baby and toddler who arguably need him more, as there is plenty of support for his mum in Spain. He’s asked if my parents can come over and help, which is an inconvenience to them as they’ll have to spend the night and potentially cancel plans (and they’re both in their late 70s). My mum thinks my husband is being selfish as his priority should be us - he doesn’t seem to realise the knock on effect leaving me with two young kids would have and the extra work it creates for me, and extra pressure it puts on my parents. He said he’d stay if I ask him to but I know he’d think I was being insensitive to his mum’s plight. Is he being selfish or I am being unreasonable? Not sure how to play this one.

@Arina22I know what empathy is. Empathy isn’t just delivered face to face. Where did I say that OP should stop her husband going? He has every right to go and see his poorly mum. That’s natural. And no one has the right to say he can’t go. But as a husband or the mother who had the accident, I would probably chose to support my wife knowing my mother was at home, safe and recovering with support from 3 other close family members.

Thank goodness someone else sees sense. I come from a very long line of incredibly caring and empathetic people. Always putting out for others. They would all raise an eyebrow at this thread!

I ask him him to take the toddler with him as that would surely cheer his mum up?

No the OP says being expected to cope for day with two kids is selfish. It might not be exactly thick, but it is ridiculous.

What would she do in a crisis?

If it was your mum or close relative would you not want to see them?
surely you’d manage for a couple of days. My ex is police and went off on a training course for 3/4 days leaving me with 10/4/1 and 3 week old everyone still went to school and it was quite nice just having time together tiring though. Have you no one who could come visit whilst he’s away? You will manage just don’t plan any big outings and get shopping in ahead of time.

More serious?

Broken bones in the elderly IS very serious.

My elderly mum broke a bone last year after a fall, complications from this broken bone led to her having a heart attack. She is thankfully ok now a year later.

My aunt's husband was in a minor car crash last year and broke his arm. Inititally they thought he would heal

But days later, complications from the broken bone led to internal bleeding, and he died.

The toddler and baby have also have support from a close family member.

I cant argue with you as its hard to argue with someone who seems to have such little empathy.

Its not about the ops partner physically looking after his mum.

He wants to be there with her while shes suffering

And all those bending over backwards to support the OP. I guarantee, I bet money, that if the gender roles were reversed this thread would be looking like an ASMR meditation thread by comparison and you'd not be supporting:

"My mother fell down and fractured several of her bones. My sister is with her and her husband. She lives in Spain. I want to go see her and give her a hug and some support in person, as we're a close family and I don't see her often. I asked DH to look after our 2 year old and 5 month old and he says I'm being selfish. He discussed it with my FIL who agrees with him and thinks I should stay so that DH doesn't have to look after the kids alone. I compromised and said I'd only go for 24 hours, so a day and half max, but although he hasn't said anything I still think he'd rather I didn't go and thinks I'm selfish. My mum says she'll be happy just for me to skype as she's aware that DH finds it difficult to juggle the kids. Am I being selfish and should I cancel my trip and stay home?"

Yeah I'd love to see how that hypothetical would go down.

God help you if your husband breaks any major bones - you'll be looking after all of them and give the impression you are utterly incompetent.
Get a grip.

My husband had to work abroad for a week after our first was born and several months abroad after that whilst our kids very young. It’s scary at first and can seem like a ‘big’ thing but I was surprised at how resilient I was and did cope ok, it’s important not to try and restrict your partner if you can help it. It’s an opportunity for you both.

Unless there is a massive backstory we don’t know explaining why you can’t cope, of course he should go. It’s a major injury for his mum, he’s far away from her and wants to show he cares. Im a single parent with multiples so did what you are worrying about all day everyday! You just get on with it. You get dressed, get them ready and do your normal day. If the toddler needs you, put the baby in a sling and you’ll be fine. You also wish your husband a safe trip and ideally send his mum a little something from the three of you too. This isn’t about you - it’s about her and he’ll be back before you know it.

I hate to be ‘that guy’ @DreamWaves , but I had an older relative who fell and broke their hip. Within a few weeks they were dead. Broken bones are very serious in the elderly and I think this is more than just about ‘she has support’, I imagine it has shaken your DH and he wants to see her in person.

I don’t want to play the ‘Well I did it game’ but due to my husbands job I have been alone for weeks/months at a time with DC from a very young age and I still am - I have no family to help out either, so it’s me and DC alone always. Honesty? It’s never fun but you do and will cope and I think by letting this go you will be making you DH and MIL very happy, especially if something does go wrong.
Give your mum and stern word and tell her or do you have any friends who you could spend time with to entertain your toddler? If not, find activities to fill your day with. It’s 24 hours but it might genuinely make a huge difference to others. Pre-plan, get some food made and ready and let any cleaning go. You will survive, even if at the time you don’t feel like it!

@RabbitPlate there is nothing to say she is elderly. Given the age of the OPs children and the fact her daughter is still at home there is every chance she is under 60 and certainly under 70!

not sure why your mum gets an opinion,
however, be careful because if he doesn’t go you are setting a precedent, your parents may need help at sone point.

Oh wow I seem to be in a minority here ...I think you're totally reasonable OP. For one thing, it's not just the day - flying to Spain and back in a day sounds completely exhausting and it will take him time to recover when he gets back, which will mean more pressure on the OP and potentially her elderly parents xxx

Maybe. However, my relative was 71 when she died of broken bone complications and she was in good health before that (I called her an ‘older relative, not elderly’, I’m playing that both can be a factor). It’s not that uncommon. Complications can happen at any age but I believe from your 60s they begin to increase.

I stand by my point even if she is in her 60s. It can be frightening for both parent and child to have a fall and it sounds like it was a bad fall.

ETA - just briefly read a Danish study that said after 50 years old serious complications can increase by over 30% in men.

Wtf? You can't cope alone for the paltry 24hrs he wants? Why did you even have kids then?

Imagine if this was you
And your daughter in law didn't want your son to fly over for 24 hours .
You would feel so hurt
He will be back before you can miss him .
I know it's not a competition
But my husband worked away weeks at a time
He had two weeks paternity leave then he left to work away for two weeks leaving me with 3 children under 3 and one was a two week old baby .
I coped and you will too xx

24 hours? Sorry but you are being very unreasonable. Surely you can manage for a day alone? Your DH is really kind to do this for his Mum.

Eye rolling that your mum couldn’t possibly pitch into help!

OP.......let him go.
It's only natural for someone to want to be with a loved one after an accident like this.
The trip will be over before you know it and you'll have coped.

The age of the op's children doesnt indicate anything much. As women can give birth from any age from 18 - to about 45.

One of my friends has a 4 week old baby. She is 38. Her mum is 70

Though people in their 60s probably dont want to hear it, the World health organisation defines anyone over 60 as elderly

Broken bones after that age are much more dangerous than a broken bone in a person in their 20s.

I live 150 miles away from my family, so no close support when I had my babies.

I had 16 months between my eldest and next baby. My husband was back working three days after we came home from hospital. He worked nights, so was away all night and had to sleep in the day.

It was hard, of course it is, but 24 hours is perfectly manageable. I'd be rushing off to see my mum if she was in that position, whether she had other support or not, because I'd want to see her- it's his mum!