Husband mum broke her wrist and pubic bone and he wants to fly to Spain for 24 hours, leaving me, our 6 week old and our toddler behind

[DreamWaves]

My husband’s mum had a bike accident and broke her wrist and pubic bone and can’t currently walk. She lives in Spain with her husband and daughter (we live in London). My brother in law is flying out to help. My husband also wants to fly out for 24 hours, more for ‘emotional support’ than anything and to ‘rally round’ their mum as a family. He wants to go as much for himself as for her.

However he’ll be leaving me alone with our 6 week old baby and toddler who arguably need him more, as there is plenty of support for his mum in Spain. He’s asked if my parents can come over and help, which is an inconvenience to them as they’ll have to spend the night and potentially cancel plans (and they’re both in their late 70s). My mum thinks my husband is being selfish as his priority should be us - he doesn’t seem to realise the knock on effect leaving me with two young kids would have and the extra work it creates for me, and extra pressure it puts on my parents. He said he’d stay if I ask him to but I know he’d think I was being insensitive to his mum’s plight. Is he being selfish or I am being unreasonable? Not sure how to play this one.

What would you have done if your husband left you for a woman, a man, a 'self-search journey'? Crumble? Won't cope? I think women should always think (I do) how will I cope on my own if anything happens - and only proceed to make decisions, based on that, not on 'what would I do without a handhold for 24/48, etc. hours'.

My husband went away for a week to the US for work when my baby was 10 days old and my oldest was 3.5. This was 30 years ago. I genuinely don't know what is wrong with young women today. You will be fine, you will manage.

What has this got to do with young women? Why do you need to make an ageist comment just because one new mother is a little anxious?

Yes, I don't see why she needs her parents there for a few hours.

Surely the only difficult time is from when the toddler goes to bed and she is doing night feeds with the baby? And she'd be doing that anyway.

OP- does your DH work from home?
What's happened in the 6 weeks since your baby was born?

Can't you get your toddler to bed and then focus on your baby overnight? That's all you're being asked to do?

It’s one day. You’ll be fine. There is no need to get your elderly parents to help unless there are underlying health reasons.

THEY have a six week old baby. A 6 week old baby who also has a Mother and two other grandparents that can pick up the slack for 24 hours to allow him to go and see his own Mother. Who says that he see's parenting as something to dropped in and out of? You have no idea what kind of parent he otherwise is.

I think its a sad world when one partner is unable to cope and pick up the slack for 24 hours so the other one can see a parent who has had an accident. Its called teamwork and give and take.

Just because you wouldn't rush to your Mums bedside unless it was a life and death emergency doesn't mean all others feel the same way.

I would have gone to my Mum, even if she wouldn't have expected me to. Not because of anything other than the fact I wanted to be there.

The difference is that now a lot of fathers seem to work from home or are available to do more childcare than they were 30 or 40 years ago. Paternity leave didn't exist nor did WFH.

This is surely a wind-up. Nobody could be that selfish to begrudge their DH going to visit his injured mum for a flying visit.

Going against the grain here but I totally understand why you dont want him to go so I don't think you are being unreasonable. I also understand why he wants to go but I dont think he should). 6 weeks is very young and very intense with a toddler as well and his priority should be you. As a compromise could he take your toddler with him?

Another vote for YABU.

If you would really struggle for just 24 hours, ask him to help you plan/get ready in advance what you can eg toddlers clothes ready in advance, shopping in to make the day as easy as you can. Before you know it the day will be over.

Some do, some don't but that's not what the other poster said is it. She made an unpleasant generalisation about all young women being unable to cope.

Not sure how to “play” it? Is that how you look at things like this? Give yourself a good bloody shake.

If my mum had an accident, I’d want to see her as soon as I could. There’s no way I’d be thinking “oh she has her other dc. No need for me to go as I have other priorities”
He cares for his mum and wants to see her. It’s what people with loving relationships want to do. It sounds like a bad accident seeing as she can’t walk. That can change our perspective and highlight mortality.

I knew you'd posted this as a form of scaremongering.

Don't be ridiculous - it is cut and pasted factual info from a medical source - so much more accurate for the OP than your irrelevant anecote about your NDN!

We had ours 16mths apart. DH went back to work (self employed) when the 2nd was 2 days old… it might be a bit scary but you have your mum and dad at the end of the phone if there is any sort of emergency. We had no nearby family at all, although I did have a good friend I could have called on in an emergency. You’ll be fine, its a matter of hours.

Sorry but if you can't manage for 1 day on your own then you shouldn't have had 2 children,

What the hell have I just read!

I think what she was implying is that years ago women just got on with things.

Many didn't have the choice but to cope and for much longer periods of time. I remember my Nan talking about having 3 children under 4, one being a baby and also had her Mother In Law to take care of who had moved in with them as she was too ill to take care of herself. My Grandad worked very long hours and often didn't even see his kids as they were all in bed by the time he got home. That was how life was back then and women just got on with it.

Things have massively moved on from those days and life is no longer like that. I could be wrong but I think that is the point she is trying to make.

You are the one bringing selfish trying to stop this, it’s 24hr you and your mum are both being dramatic.

YABU- it’s only 24 hours!

although what I’d probably do is ask DH to go for 3 days, and bring toddler with him, to cheer up their grandmother (kids often cheer grandparents up and if they live abroad they might not get to see very often!)

This also gives you some rest as it’s generally much easier to care for a 6w old than a toddler, as they nap more. Toddler will probably have a ball going over to see family, on a plane etc. And usually free (your post indicates a small age gap so under 2?)

Echoing what most other people are saying. Husband worked away all week when I had a newborn, then a toddler and newborn. It never occurred to me that I'd need someone in to help. Not that there was anybody even if it had.

It never occurred to me that I wouldn't cope either.
I did know that it would be hard work.

It’s only 24 hours - my exh left me with a 3 week old and a 2 year old (diagnosed autistic later that year aka not an easy child) for a week “business trip” that seemed to involve skiing . I coped fine, no family in the country

It's 1 day, and it's his Mum. I don't think it's unreasonable at all.

YABU. I have a toddler and new baby at home and I'd be telling my husband to go. It's 24 hrs for goodness sake. I hope his mum recovers well

It’s his mum, of course he should go.

For what’s it’s worth, my DH was away on a birthday celebration when I had a 5 and a 3 year old and a 1 month old (and the dog!). It was exhausting, sure, but we were good and I’d fully agreed to it when it was planned.

He could take the toddler with him to Spain - you get a chilled time with new baby, he gets to see his mum, everyone happy.