Husband mum broke her wrist and pubic bone and he wants to fly to Spain for 24 hours, leaving me, our 6 week old and our toddler behind

[DreamWaves]

My husband’s mum had a bike accident and broke her wrist and pubic bone and can’t currently walk. She lives in Spain with her husband and daughter (we live in London). My brother in law is flying out to help. My husband also wants to fly out for 24 hours, more for ‘emotional support’ than anything and to ‘rally round’ their mum as a family. He wants to go as much for himself as for her.

However he’ll be leaving me alone with our 6 week old baby and toddler who arguably need him more, as there is plenty of support for his mum in Spain. He’s asked if my parents can come over and help, which is an inconvenience to them as they’ll have to spend the night and potentially cancel plans (and they’re both in their late 70s). My mum thinks my husband is being selfish as his priority should be us - he doesn’t seem to realise the knock on effect leaving me with two young kids would have and the extra work it creates for me, and extra pressure it puts on my parents. He said he’d stay if I ask him to but I know he’d think I was being insensitive to his mum’s plight. Is he being selfish or I am being unreasonable? Not sure how to play this one.

It's 24 hours, you'll be fine.

24 hours is perfectly reasonable. If he was saying he wanted to be away for a week, then yes not reasonable. I'm guessing your parents don't really want to help, and would prefer not too, given the choice. Your husband's Mum has had a accident, and it's natural that your husband wants to visit her. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot, and it was your Mum hurt, and your husband insisted you stay at home? Your Mum thinks your husband is being selfish because she doesn't want to be inconvenienced herself for 24 hours, and is annoyed.

gosh you’re a bit selfish. 24 hours really isn’t a big deal unless you had a bad c section and can barely walk?? 70 isn’t that old, your parents should come if you really can’t manage

Chiming in to say I also think YABU. He's probably worried about her and it's a shock to him.

I've got two kids. DH regularly works away, including when they were very small. You'll be absolutely fine.

This!! Gosh I dread to think of the woman by son could end up with if this is standard behaviour

This.

It might be unnecessary to go as she already has lots of support so she won't need him on that level. But this is his Mum and he obviously WANTS to go. And he should be able to. He wants to see her for himself and go and give her a hug. I think that's lovely. If I were to have an accident I would like to think my adult kids would want to come and see me, even if there is no physical need for them to.

She has parents who could help but would be slightly inconvenienced and its just for 24 hours. I think its mean and selfish not to allow the person you are supposed to love to fulfil a need to go and see his Mum.

I can't believe what I read on here sometimes. Of course he should go! You are a mother now and one day you may need your kids! Can you imagine if they turned round and said nah sorry.

Is there other issues that mean you need someone with you? If not I’m sure you will be fine. My husband was back at work, 12 hours shifts by 6 weeks and I had a c section, and other children.

its scary to know your going to be on your own but I’m sure you will surprise your and manage perfectly fine.

It might seem overwhelming as you’ve got such a young baby, but honestly, you’ll be fine. Don’t worry about the things that can wait, just focus on feeding everyone and getting some kip.

My ex went away with work when our youngest was a few weeks old. It was actually easier without him 🙈

It's 24 hours, bloody hell. Would you want to fly to Spain to see your mum for 24 hours if she'd had a horrible accident and was in hospital?

It's not about who 'needs' him more in the practical sense. There is nothing much he can do for her that she doesn't have others there to do for her, but he just wants to see her and giver her a hug and offer moral support which is totally undersandable.

Presumably your husband has a job and doesn't just hang around the house to give you 24 hours support with the children, so I'm quite sure you can manage without him for 24 hours. If not then you've got problems.

Probably an unpopular opinion but if your mil has got a lot of support, I don't think you're unreasonable. At 6weeks post partum my then partner was advised not to be at work or leave me on my own due to my mh rapidly deteriorating, postbatally. If you really feel you need your dh , you probably do.

I'm sorry but I think you're the one being selfish here OP, his poor mum. I'm sure you can cope for a day or two.

He has a six week old baby! OP might be able to cope on her own but she shouldn’t have to. This is where the default parent thing starts - dads seeing parenting as something to be dropped in and out of. That’s a more pressing need than his mum who has other people for support and has had a nasty but not life threatening accident. If the kids were older or his mum was on her deathbed, sure. But on this occasion it’s not an emergency and he can visit at another time when the baby’s a bit older and presumably easier to deal with. I wouldn’t rush to my mum’s bedside unless it was a life or death emergency, and she wouldn’t expect me to.

He should go and see his mum

100% this!

havent RTFT but so far a real distinct lack of sympathy for OP which i can’t understand.

it’s a rubbish and unexpected situation for you all. I’m sorry for all of you. You’re 6 weeks PP - we have no info of what your delivery was / how mobile you are / bf or not / what your mental state is like. Even if all those things were perfect - it’s such a vulnerable time and from what I hear the jump from 1-2 kids - especially with a toddler who may have big feelings. I completely understand why this is hard for you.

I also appreciate your poor DHs predicament. You’ve said and I paraphrase it would be as much for him as for her and he must be beside himself with worry. She’s had some nasty injuries, all of which will take weeks to recover so he does have time and to go later to see her but I also appreciate him wanting to be with his siblings and see for himself that she is ok.

Whilst I can see how overwhelming this is for you - I do think if he’s planning on only going for one day it would be unreasonable to try to stop him. If your parents can help and would be helpful then ask them! They might not have a problem with cancelling plans. If your partner is back to work anyway then I presume it’s mostly just the evening routine you’d need help with so for most of the day you’d be doing what you normally do. There have been other good suggestions - getting out for the day - park if weather nice / soft play / local stay and plays to keep eldest entertained. As another PP has said - lower expectations for the day - even if you have a day all in pjs, watching movies, eating takeaway and everyone sleeps in bed with you - take that as a win - the day will be over before it started.

sending you all love

Your mum is overstepping by weighing in and their comments from your parents sound very unpleasant. She is free to offer you help or not (and personally as a family member I am happy to be “inconvenienced” to help out family members and vice versa) but she shouldn’t feel comfortable telling you what he ought to be doing etc.

How do you know she's elderly?
OP has not said how old she is. She could be a fit 60-something who went for along bike ride.

I knew you'd posted this as a form of scaremongering.

My neighbour had that injury and she's mid 70s. She took time to recover - that's normal as it can't be put in a plaster cast like a limb- but she wasn't at death's door.

Op, you can do this - even for a few days or a long weekend.

Plenty of women find themselves in situations where they have to even for longer periods and you’ll all be fine

Its only 24 hurs but honestly if I was his Mum I'd tell him to stay at home with his wife and new baby. Her accident sounds nasty but not life threatening. What is he going to add he can't do by a video call and she has loads of family round her? At 6 weeks post partum I was still totally fucked so 24 hours would've seemed like an eternity especially with a toddler.

You let him go. His request isn’t unreasonable, and he’s trying to consider the impact on you by suggesting your family can step up and help.
It’s a really shit situation, but let him go.

Knowing Mumsnet, I’m surprised nobody has said he should “cut the apron strings” or suggested his mother did it on purpose!

You’ll be fine, OP. And you will be justifiably pleased with yourself when you discover how well you manage.

I think they are both in the wrong. Although I can see why her son wants to see his mum.

As a gran myself I'd not expect a new Dad to drop everything to see me and leave his baby. Not when I had a daughter, another son and my DH around.

But OP is being a bit of a wimp too. After 2 weeks' holiday ('paternity leave') my DH was back to work, 12 hr days, and I was on my own like most mums with a new baby and a 2 year old. No help at all.

She may well have told him not to come, but he’s an adult and can make his own mind up.

If it's only 24 hours, I think YABU, unless there is a medical reason why you can't cope. I also don't think it's fair to ask your elderly parents to travel a large distance (assuming this because you say they would need to stay over) just for a 24 hour trip. If it was a longer trip, I could definitely see your point though.