Husband mum broke her wrist and pubic bone and he wants to fly to Spain for 24 hours, leaving me, our 6 week old and our toddler behind

[DreamWaves]

My husband’s mum had a bike accident and broke her wrist and pubic bone and can’t currently walk. She lives in Spain with her husband and daughter (we live in London). My brother in law is flying out to help. My husband also wants to fly out for 24 hours, more for ‘emotional support’ than anything and to ‘rally round’ their mum as a family. He wants to go as much for himself as for her.

However he’ll be leaving me alone with our 6 week old baby and toddler who arguably need him more, as there is plenty of support for his mum in Spain. He’s asked if my parents can come over and help, which is an inconvenience to them as they’ll have to spend the night and potentially cancel plans (and they’re both in their late 70s). My mum thinks my husband is being selfish as his priority should be us - he doesn’t seem to realise the knock on effect leaving me with two young kids would have and the extra work it creates for me, and extra pressure it puts on my parents. He said he’d stay if I ask him to but I know he’d think I was being insensitive to his mum’s plight. Is he being selfish or I am being unreasonable? Not sure how to play this one.

It's not about his mom not coping, but a son wanting to see his mother after a bad accident. That's perfectly natural.

Unless there’s a huge backstory, you’re being completely unreasonable. Your poor husband just wants to support his mum for one day. If it was me, I’d tell my husband to go for 2 or 3 days! My SIL’s husband left her with 3 under 5 (the youngest being 4 weeks at the time) to go on a long weekend stag do! She didn’t mind at all. Single parents do it day in, day out.

You should feel grateful that you’re married to a nice kind thoughtful man who is family minded.

It’s his mum. I’d have booked the ticket for my husband myself if this had happens to his DM. Of course he’d want to reassure himself that she’s ok.

I’m in two minds on this.

it’s only 24 hrs, you’ll be fine. But my other train of thought is that he’ll spend 14 hrs ish travelling (car to the airport, checking in a few hours early, 3 hrs on the plane x2) so he’ll actually only see his Mum for 10 hrs and also need to sleep at some point. So tbh why bother at all, especially with such a young baby and toddler in the house

I agree. I was sahm to 4 young dc's and dh worked 12 hour days. I coped fine - I just don't get the issue at all.

no, but I think we all know that your memory of how hard it is disappears pretty quickly.

you say yourself it wasn’t easy. Why should the OP put herself through it because his mum broke her wrist?! He can FaceTime for emotional support.

Actually this is the right answer surely

I think it's indefensible to tell dh that he can't go for even a few days if he wants tbh. These will be very debilitating injuries for his mum (temporarily at least) and I imagine social care isn't as good in Spain as in their culture it's more expected that family will help and most of all he wants to go.

You are right that your little family should take priority but I think you also need to remember that you will likely grow old one day. You will likely depend on your younger relatives to care for you in some capacity and your sense of purpose and fulfillment will probably come quite a lot from how the younger members of your family treat you.

I don't think that this is a case of a MIL being demanding or 'toxic' unless there's a backstory. It's sheer bad luck and the most loving thing to do is probably to show a bit of compassion. You will survive on your own, plenty do. Realistically this is going to cause minimal damage to you or your kids in the long run. Just don't get out of your pyjamas and put cocomelon on all day if needed.

As pp have said is a compromise possibly for dh to take the toddler with him? That could actually be a lovely experience for the toddler.

Please ignore the patronising 'I am sure you will cope comments.'
Sometimes I do not understand how there are mum's on this forum being so patronising and cruel to a new mum. There are way to word things and clearly some of the mums on here are insensitive xyzs.
Firstly, congratulations on your newborn!
Secondly, having a 6 week old is SUCH a demanding job, especially with a toddler and postpartum hormones - you are FULLY entitled to feel the way you feel, dont let any of these comments make you feel otherwise or make you feel bad.
It IS an inconvenience, it is unfair to you and you are entitled to feel perturbed by this.
However, perhaps you can acknowledge these feelings whilst also trying to see it in a different way, e.g. it may help with your confidence being alone with the 2 children.
Unfortunately I feel if you say no to your husband going it will inevitably end in him being unhappy, you will also then be unhappy- which you do not need. Unfortunately either way you lose, so instead try and reframe your mindset as 'ok go, this will give me the confidence to cope on my own.'
Unfortunate we have to do this, but this is why as women we are HEROS.

How can you even ask? Surely you can cope with your own kids for 24 hrs?! Unless you yourself are very unwell?
He is not on the wrong for wanting to check on her. 24 hrs is much less than I would expect him to go for.
Poor man giving him the guilt trip.

I think the OP has got the message now!

@DreamWaves - you're only 6 weeks postpartum with DC2 and things are still so new, so it's understandable that this feels like a big deal right now. Be kind to yourself, but you can do this - it's only 24 hrs, your DH needs to see his mum but he'll be back before you know it. Can he help by prepping a meal for you and DC1 to have whilst he's gone? How else can you make this as easy as possible?

Woman up!
You'll be fine

How do you think mums whose partners are in the services cope? Or whose partners work on oil rigs, or long haul flights, or are long distance lorry drivers.

Get a grip dear, unless you are about to unleash a drip feed that your toddler is in a full body cast, the baby has had open heart surgery and you only have the use of one arm.

Because it is not about the MIL!! You are spectacularly missing the point here, chances are MIL would not even be expecting him. This is about what OP's DH feels he needs to do in this situation when there is a problem in his family, he wants to be there.

If he wants to go and rally round his family briefly then why shouldn't he be able to go? It's one or two days, and OP emotionally manipulating him when she is perfectly able to cope (or has her parents if desperate) is horrible, not to mention controlling, OPs mum openly calling him selfish (like she should even have an opinion here!) just shows the manipulative mindset though!

Dear god, it’s not “heroic” to look after one’s own children for a couple of days.

It’s CBeebies and pizza, not scaling the Eiger

I don’t think any of us have forgotten what it was like to have a six-week old & toddler, plus other complications (in my case DH away mon-Fri & a terminally ill parent), but we also know it’s survivable. It doesn’t have to be the finest hour in terms of housework, organic home cooked meals or personal grooming and you can make it work.

And I also remember what happened when DIL’s father had a serious accident. Like all decent people would, we rallied round & supported her & DS.

My husband used to travel on business frequently when the kids were babies. There was 15 months between them,it was no big deal-you’ll be able to cope for a couple of days. And you don’t need your elderly parents to ‘help’-it’ll be more stressful. Looking after a baby and toddler really isn’t rocket science-make it into an adventure for your toddler and plan things to do. Six week old babies are portable.

And of course he should go and see his mum. It’s what any son who loves his mum would want to do.

If it was your mum who was badly injured, I am sure you would be wanting to go and see her. And I am sure she would consider your husband selfish if he didn't manage for 24 hours in order to facilitate that.

A parent should be able to cope with a toddler and a 6 week old baby for at least 24 hours without needing either their spouse or their own parents to jump in. It's one night, how much extra work can there really be?

Tell her to get a dexa scan she may have osteoporosis as that's an osteoporotic fracture

Oh come on, 24h with a baby and toddler is perfectly manageable.

This is ridiculous. It's not something he can actively help with. She has her husband. She has her daughter. Your BIL is flying out. Unless there is something about the injury ( horrible incident when someone tried to hurt her on purpose), this is all massive overkill.
He doesn't need to go and he should support you.

People say you will be fine for 24 hours. She will also be fine over that same time period.

YANBU OP

Of course he should go see his Mum. Surely you’d want to see your Mum in that situation?
you have a baby and a toddler which is difficult but not impossible. I had newborn twins and my husband worked away a week at a time and I had no help, this is literally for a day or two.

Why can’t he take the toddler with him?

Well how do single parents manage? How did women manage in the war when all the men disappeared off to fight? How do women manage when their partner’s travel for their job?

it is physically hard but women can and do manage alone. It is tough having small children but the idea that one parent cannot manage alone for 24 hours is ridiculous. Of course it is daunting but you just crack on. I had one week with a 9 month old and I got really really sick. My husband was away and I had no one to ask for help. I was scared stiff about how I would cope but someone we all made it though ok. When you have to manage you do.

his mum hasn’t just broke her wrist. She broke her pubic bone. That is a serious fall.