DP humiliated DSD(12)

[butbyanyothername]

DSD is 12, lives here full time. Been with DP 5 years, our kids are both little so completely out of my depth with a near teenager.

She had 2 school friends round for a sleepover last night, no problems. One set of parents came to pick them both up this morning as they live close to eachother.
Lighthearted conversation about how much mess they’d made, plates and cups everywhere etc.
Another parent said how they’d found a glass of smoothie in their dd’s bedroom that had turned completely solid/moldy, fine everybody laughed.
DP then said how we’d found used period products/ dirty underwear in DSD’s’s room.
Obviously nobody laughed, awkward change of conversation and they left. Poor DSD’s face completely dropped, her friends both looked at and made a face to each other and didn’t acknowledge her as they left.

I’m absolutely furious at him, he does feel terrible and has apologised but DSD is completely beside herself, has she’s not ever going back to school now and won’t come out of her room to talk to anyone. Sunday plans we had are probably going to be cancelled.

Any advice on how to deal with/rectify this? What do we say to her?
Is it worth DP contacting the parents to apologise?

This is the way to play it . She needs to flip this from

“ I will have no freinds and everyone will hate me because my dads a Twat “ to

“ LOL Look what we girls have to put up with ! “

What an awful awful thing to do to her.

I hope he knows she will likely never forget this. Especially if she is bullied for it.

I can’t think what he could possibly do to make it up to her tbh.

That he would never be present when her friends are around would be a start.. Maybe a very big shopping trip.

I will be surprised if her so-called friends managed to resist the temptation to gossip and sneer. Poor girl is going to have a ghastly time living this down. It's perfectly possible she won't. It will keep rearing its head. She could try saying that she spilt a lot of ketchup in her room after having chips and just grabbed the nearest stuff to clear it up. Bolting the door after the horse has gone. I am so sad for her. I was in a similar position years back. It's really tough. I really hope I'm wrong

Maybe with added 'He says he's going to buy me something to make up for embarrassing me. Any ideas?'

He has said something well outside what’s acceptable or normal, as you know. So shocking that the visiting parents walked out. As a pp has said, I would not allow my teen dd to stay in a house where the man had said something like this.

Really the advice needed of how to handle this with your dsd’s peers needs to come from a teen girl.

I’m afraid that those 12yo girls are probably going to see your DH as a bit of a weirdo from now on.

The smirking is also quite worrying from the other girls. Are they definitely really close supportive friends? Your dsd needs to learn that she should not change herself to fit in, or try to gain approval from people who sneer at her. She needs true friends who value her for herself.

Where is her mum? Would there be any chance of help/support from her?

Suggest that he funds an excursion for DSD and some friends … like £50 to spend at Lush. He just gives over the cash to her and says simple sorry & you take her & friends.

What exactly was said? Because if it was "xyz left a used sanitary towel in her room", then she could text her friends saying "OMG I can't believe he said that out loud! I only left it in my pile of clothes while I was in the shower, and didn't realise they'd be doing laundry at that moment... talk about OTT!"

Yes he is either a clumsy cringe worthy idiot or a total creep.
I'd need to know exactly what he said.
He has no business commenting on periods to anyone. I wouldn't want my daughter staying their again either, something just doesn't sit right with it.

If anyone says anything to her at school tomorrow she needs to style it out as well.

“ I heard your dad was totally weird in front of Emma Ann’s her mum yesterday ”

“ I know, OMG, tell me about it, he’s such a total freak. My step mum gave him shit about it so now he’s given me a £50 Lush voucher ha ha . men are so stupid about women’s bodies , I can’t believe he’s had three kids “ or whatever.

This needs to be “ Team Girls laughing at men “ not everyone laughing at her”.

Lots of really decent men haven’t grown up to be body shamed & don’t understand the shame women & girls have around their bodies . A boy wouldn’t be shamed by his mates for leaving grubby pants around occasionally .Such a man simply doesn’t realise that so many women still seem to think periods are a really disgusting secret . If men got periods they’d probably be wearing their pants on their heads when their friends came round .Please don’t be swayed by people suggesting here that he’s abusive / a monster etc based on this one incident .A man who gathers up kid’s clothes for the laundry is not weird .However you deal with this incident please do all you can ( as you obviously are ) to protect her relationship with her Dad . You sound like a really lovely person .

Seconded.

And I think she should style it as My Dad thinks he's a real edgy comedian. He thought it was funny but realised as soon as he said it, that it wasn't .. I'm so embarrassed.

@EasyTouch you articulated perfectly what I was trying to say.

@butbyanyothername Your SD’s distress is heartbreaking and I hope your husband is deeply deeply ashamed of himself. She does need to go to school at some stage but if it gets tense please do not use ‘but dad feels so bad’ or ‘now dad feels even worse’ as a reason to force her. His feelings have zero place in her processing this humiliation and are not her problem to solve.

I hope he also understands that those parents also now have red flags about him because what he said was so deeply intrusive and inappropriate no parent with sense would allow their daughter into a house with an adult man who’s made himself look no better than a knicker sniffer to impress them.

OP just to give you a different perspective, my dd 12 had a really embarrassing incident with her friends not long ago too.
she had gone to a friends for a birthday sleepover think there was 5/6 of them there. They had gotten changed into jammies then decide to go to the swing park next to the house. DD said she felt a bit sick there and came back to her friends house to the toilet where she realised that there was poo on her knickers and pyjama bottoms.
She got her 2 closest friends in the toilet with her and phoned me really upset but I was out and couldn’t get there. Her dad went to pick her up and she was so upset and embarrassed she cried all night
I was really worried that they would all be talking about her in school, can’t think of anything much worse in first year than having everyone know you’d shit yourself.

the 2 friends text her next morning to ask how she was and it was never mentioned again. Even the other girls at the house didn’t know they just told them that she had been sick.

Just to counteract all people saying she’ll be toast and the talk of the school for years to come. It’s not inevitable but depends on the friends I guess. I would also give them the benefit of the doubt that they smirked cos they didn’t know what to say and think a text saying what a dick dad was is the way to go

Christ, that is a momentously idiotic thing to do.

HOW hasn't he got the message that periods are a really private thing that women don't typically discuss with their mates' feckin' parents!

God, I feel so bad for her.

I'd be giving her a hard pass to tell him to his face what a giant arsehole he is and sending him to the shop to buy all of her favourite things.

Might be worth dropping a message to those parents to explain to them how upset DD is about DP's comments and ask them to speak to their girls about it. They need to understand that he did something wrong without realising (because he's a fuckwit) but that they would also be doing something wrong if they go into school and tell others about it.

God, your poor DD 😞

If anything she could be texting her friends saying "can you bloody believe him? He has to be the most embarrassing man on the planet and I may need to join witness protection so nobody else finds out we're related."

^^ This. And he needs to make up to her. What a total mindless twat he is 🙄. Poor DSD! So the above followed by a breezy ‘ to make up, my muppet of a dad has agreed to treat us to XYZ next weekend, if you are up for that” . XYZ being a MASSIVE treat, and expensive, and that being the topic of convo over the next week instead of what her idiot father said. Hope your other two are boys. And he doesn’t start chuntering on about ‘stiff socks’ in about 10 years time…

I feel so sorry for your poor Dsd. It’s such an inappropriate thing to say. I don’t blame you for being furious. It will blow over though I’m sure.

I am troubled by the assumption being made on here by many that standard teenage behaviour will be to broadcast this information as widely and as quickly as possible on social media.

I work with girls this age and have one of my own, and unless the two visiting girls are particularly spiteful, it's highly unlikely they will choose to spread this around. It would take an extremely vindictive nature to do so - yes it does happen occasionally, but it's certainly not the norm. Teenagers are human beings like all others, capable of empathy and compassion.

If they do choose to spread it, the shame is entirely on them, and DD needs to stop associating with girls like this immediately. And she should outright tell everyone they are lying and she can't understand a mind that would invent and spread something so sick, if they do spread this around - they absolutely deserve to have it turned back on them if they do such a thing. And then it needs to be treated like any other incident of bullying. IF it happens. But I really don't think it will. I read my daughter's class WhatsApp chat regularly and, while it gets a bit spicy on occasion, I have never once read any accounts of anybody's else's menstruation habits, or anything else personal hygiene-related. Teenagers are as capable as anyone else is of realising this stuff is personal.

Does SD have a best friend she trusts and can confide in, who she can ask to keep an eye out for anything being said, and inform her straight away? (I am assuming the two girls in question are not very close friends, else she wouldn't be worrying about it in this way).

I don't think it would be appropriate for your husband to contact the parents, but if you know either of the moms well, it might be worth you texting them to say, SD feels embarrassed by her dad's comment and worried and, while you know that of course the girls wouldn't dream of spreading it, is the mom happy to speak to her daughter and just reinforce this message, just to put SD's mind at rest.

And as for those claiming she is "a dirty pig" etc - I can remember accidentally leaving used sanitary towels under my bed once and my mom telling me off for it; and my daughter has done the same once or twice, and she has very high standards of personal hygiene generally. We all have moments when we can be tired and forgetful - I imagine it happens to a large number of women at some point in their lives. Really nothing to worry about.

Is there any chance you can call the other mums and be brutally honest about the situation? Try and concoct a reason for needing to pop around tonight to try and break the ice and spread a cover story of how your DH got it wrong.

What grounds have you got for saying that? What ‘doesn’t sit right’?

because reading comprehension on MN is shocking....
everyone is so keen to get their valuable enlightening opinion in they can't even be arsed to properly read the post they are responding to

I really think you need to consider the possibility that there is something underlying going on. Is he resentful that she’s getting older and more independent?

You've been with him for five years and presumably had period accidents or upset stomachs or other embarrassing things. He’s had a relationship with dds mother and he probably saw dd born and everything postpartum. He has a mother, female friends or colleagues and he knows the social rules about periods and privacy.

It is revealing that the only time he has been “thoughtless” and crude is towards his 12 year old dd in the presence of her friends. He’s really no business talking about periods or underwear to other peoples children.

Something caused him to say this. Was he supportive of the sleepover? Were they messing about?

A man who thinks it's appropriate to talk about periods and underwear in front of young girls / his daughter's friends , I just wouldn't like it. It's overstepping normal social boundaries in my opinion. He humiliated his daughter , he spoke out of turn, in that moment he had no emotional intelligence and spoke inappropriately. As I said it would depend on the exact content of what he said which I don't think has been shared but even still it would put me off him simply because I'd find it over sharing , overstepping boundaries etc

Ok, I accept the fact that this was all wrong, should never have happened, etc., etc. However, it HAS happened and can’t be undone.
While I totally understand the upset and devastation this has caused, and how bad the poor girl must feel, I have a few other concerns. Has anyone stopped to consider that her father (who the the mum praises to the skies about everything else) is feeling absolutely dreadful now? In fact, I would imagine he is feeling as bad as the daughter. He knows that this will never be forgotten, and probably never be forgiven and he must live with this for the rest of his life. I feel as sorry for him as I do for the daughter because obviously this will remembered and cringed about by everyone for ever, especially by him, who would probably like to cut his tongue out.
I have no idea what can be done to sort this. It’s a mess but maybe spreading it all over Mumsnet wasn’t the best way to go.

But we live in a society where talking about periods as a normal thing has long been deemed a good thing. So you can’t have it both ways. The OP said he saw it as being the same as leaving food dishes to go mouldy. Obviously he was wrong in that but if periods have been a very open topic of discussion then perhaps that’s a subtlety he didn’t get (though he does now!).