DP humiliated DSD(12)

[butbyanyothername]

DSD is 12, lives here full time. Been with DP 5 years, our kids are both little so completely out of my depth with a near teenager.

She had 2 school friends round for a sleepover last night, no problems. One set of parents came to pick them both up this morning as they live close to eachother.
Lighthearted conversation about how much mess they’d made, plates and cups everywhere etc.
Another parent said how they’d found a glass of smoothie in their dd’s bedroom that had turned completely solid/moldy, fine everybody laughed.
DP then said how we’d found used period products/ dirty underwear in DSD’s’s room.
Obviously nobody laughed, awkward change of conversation and they left. Poor DSD’s face completely dropped, her friends both looked at and made a face to each other and didn’t acknowledge her as they left.

I’m absolutely furious at him, he does feel terrible and has apologised but DSD is completely beside herself, has she’s not ever going back to school now and won’t come out of her room to talk to anyone. Sunday plans we had are probably going to be cancelled.

Any advice on how to deal with/rectify this? What do we say to her?
Is it worth DP contacting the parents to apologise?

@butbyanyothername what the hell possessed him to say something like that? that is not even funny. poor child!! was he just saying things so he had something to say?

Totally unforgivable if I were his partner or daughter. Felt sick with humiliation myself reading that. I would never be able to see him in the same way again but I have zero tolerance for adults humiliating children. That feeling will stay with her forever.

Does he have a condition that makes him blurt out inappropriate stuff or is he just a bit thick? I can't believe this is the first time something like this has come up. Was it true or did he make it up? Not sure which is worse.

That is so awful, the poor, poor girl. She will be absolutely dreading returning to school. What an unpleasant and ignorant man.

If she doesn’t want to come out with you today I would say let her stay in. From her POV this is about the worst thing he could have done to her, and the repercussions could be huge, depending on what her friends are like (teenage girls can be awful). She’s got to go to school tomorrow, no argument, but her response is quite valid.
Later on have a chat to her about how she can respond to it all if they’re not kind.
And a BIG chat with your DH about how bad this is.

Well, that was pretty rubbish of him but for god’s sake don’t blow it up into more than it is, like some posters in here are doing. I have no doubt that the other girls may well have done this too (DD certainly has).

Yes, she’s feeling awful now, understandably, but it will blow over, and more quickly if the adults don’t make such a to-do about it.

He should contact the parents, apologise and ask that it goes no further. He should also ask them to get their kid to message your daughter and reassure her that they won't tell anyone

And I think accepting this might take your daughter a long time to get over, and not forcing her to forgive him is really, really important. He’s humiliated her, it’ll stay with her for a long time and however she feels about it is totally bloody valid.

Is her mum in the picture? Might be best for her to go be with her mum today and not force visits to DH for a bit.

I don’t know why he said it, says at the time he just didn’t consider it was any different than the friend having a glass full of mold under her bed and just said it to relate without thinking.

He doesn’t have form for this sort of thing and does feel completely terrible but that doesn't make it any better for DSD right now

MN reading comprehension typical high standards.

I think it’s a least said soonest mended thing but he does need to be a lot more careful in future.

Your poor stepdaughter. I dont have any advice to offer, just sympathy. My Mum was like this. She always found something to embarass me with when I had friends over. So I stopped inviting them. Your daughter needs to text her friends maybe about something unrelated. Invite them to the cinema mid week or something? See how they react. If they are decent friends they'll get past what your husband said .

Wow is he always such a complete and utter twat?

He needs to give her space then try again to apologise. If there's something she's wanted for a long time send him out to buy it first. What he says must be sincere and without an excuse. There is no justification for him coming out with that and the likelihood is that she won't easily forgive it.

@sprigatito oh I agree there, that’s why I suggested “dad’s an idiot” and move it along rather than actually addressing what he said at all. Absolutely minimal engagement.

This is what he wants to do but dsd has said no and don't think he should do it without her saying he can?

How on earth did he think this is ok? Is he one of those perks who tries to make himself look big by making someone else look small.

Your poor dsd, hopefully her friends' parents had a word with them and it will not become school gossip. She must be dreading school tomorrow.

I guess the other thing you could do is give her some phrases to use if anyone does say anything horrible - something like ‘no idea why my dad said that, he’s such an idiot sometimes. Did we have maths homework?’ sort of deflection.

To be honest it’s the sort of stupid stuff my dad would have done and I don’t really know why. He didn’t mean any harm but would blurt stupid stuff out to get an easy laugh and no regard for the humiliation someone else wood feel!

He must not do that - lord above, he’d appear VERY odd!

This has happenings once, so not the same as your situation at all, and the dad is mortified.

What a douche. Does he usually get off on embarrassing people?

Does she have a personal dirty clothes basket and a personal small rubbish bin with a lid in her room? DD is an only so occasionally her habits can be questionable (mostly she’s very good and does always eventually get there) though we don’t normally comment until she gets beyond a certain point but with younger siblings, your dsd probably doesn’t have that luxury (which might be a point worth mentioning).

Perhaps just you and DSD go and get them or get your heads together to work out a procedure? Not her father or young siblings, just as a woman to woman thing.

Her father probably just has to wait it out along with watching his tongue. He needs to earn trust again from you all.

And she is right. Heavens above, she sounds more mature than then adults.

Least said soonest mended.

The story for your SD needs to change so that the emphasis is on him being a tit, not her normal teen behaviour.

She's 12, not used to periods and did something most girls do at some point. It's understandable to be tired, take off your clothes and forget there are pads in them sometimes. It's not any different or worse than the smoothie incident (which actually would make me puke) just because it involves periods.

She needs reassurance that we can all do things like that sometimes. God knows how many sanitary products have made it through my washing machine over the years. But women generally have the good taste not to mention it in a mixed audience in a way that makes someone uncomfortable.

The story is not that she has done anything wrong, it's that her dad is a monumentally embarrassing spanner of a man.

If anything she could be texting her friends saying "can you bloody believe him? He has to be the most embarrassing man on the planet and I may need to join witness protection so nobody else finds out we're related."

I would be absolutely livid with him. That poor girl.

Agree she won't ever forget this.

That is absolutely awful - I felt humiliation and shame myself reading your post and this didn't even happen to me! Having said that, I can see how as a man maybe he just thought it was along the same lines as mouldy food. My husband once did something similar to me (commenting to a mutual friend about me leaving mine in the bathroom - long story) and he said that to him it was along the same lines as a used tissue. I'm not saying your stepdaughter shouldn't be devastated and angry (and I really feel for her) - just that I can see how your partner might have made this mistake.