DP humiliated DSD(12)

[butbyanyothername]

DSD is 12, lives here full time. Been with DP 5 years, our kids are both little so completely out of my depth with a near teenager.

She had 2 school friends round for a sleepover last night, no problems. One set of parents came to pick them both up this morning as they live close to eachother.
Lighthearted conversation about how much mess they’d made, plates and cups everywhere etc.
Another parent said how they’d found a glass of smoothie in their dd’s bedroom that had turned completely solid/moldy, fine everybody laughed.
DP then said how we’d found used period products/ dirty underwear in DSD’s’s room.
Obviously nobody laughed, awkward change of conversation and they left. Poor DSD’s face completely dropped, her friends both looked at and made a face to each other and didn’t acknowledge her as they left.

I’m absolutely furious at him, he does feel terrible and has apologised but DSD is completely beside herself, has she’s not ever going back to school now and won’t come out of her room to talk to anyone. Sunday plans we had are probably going to be cancelled.

Any advice on how to deal with/rectify this? What do we say to her?
Is it worth DP contacting the parents to apologise?

I have not suggested anything sinister is going on here and from what the OP writes I am inclined to believe her.

But it doesn't take away from the fact that he has absolutely humiliated a vulnerable child about her private bodily functions in public, in front of new friends and their parents, and that anyone would not be absolutely disbelieving that a father would be so stupid and disconnected from reality, as to think this is normal conversation is weird.

Of course he can apologise until the cows come home, it changes nothing though.

It is easy to see how so many grow up with poor self esteem when adults are so willing to dismiss the feelings of children, particularly young women, using their natural biology and functions to shame them.
Just awful.
I sincerely hope her friends are ki d and supportive of her, she definitely needs a break.

I agree with @upsie, there is nothing to fix this. Hopefully it will not remain an upset for long and she can move on.

What a twat of a man though.

Thankyou.

Not the easiest morning. Dp had to leave for work, had already spoken to her and she was getting ready. 10 minutes before we had to leave I got the begging that she feels sick and will go in tomorrow.
Her being upset kicked of little ones, Dd was late for nursery and a DSD was a little bit late for tutor but she went in. I was waiting to be called but nothing. She’s now out with another friend (plans we made last night to distract her) and has texted to say she is fine and nothing happened.
So hopefully all good!

Thank you for updating us, OP! I’m so glad. Your DSD has been through a tough time but hopefully that’s the worst over. It also shows her friends are kind and mature as it is easy for children to be cruel without thinking but they were not

That's good news @butbyanyothername hopefully she can put it behind her.💐

That’s great to hear!

I guess she will vote with her feet. And he will deserve it.**

Where do you suggest she goes? She lives here full time and doesn't have any other option.
If I suddenly decide to leave an otherwise loving father over one foolish comment then as she's not my dd she will stay with him.

I just want to chime in on that.
I would never have left home as a teen. But my parents weren’t great.
I was used to it though so even though unpleasant, I just got on with it. You would never have seen anything but parents who tried their best, did a a few mistakes ‘but he just put his foot in his mouth and he didn’t mean it’

Now I’m in my 50s and I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD from that time. It explains much of the struggles I’ve had all my life.

Now I’m not saying that your dsd will develop PTSD. But the least because it’s shit.
But please do not assume that because she said ‘everything is fine’ then you can forget about the whole episode.
Her dad didn’t even bother to be present this am when she was getting ready for school. When he had destroyed the trust she had in him.
It wasn’t a small thing.

She might not be able to vote with her feet just now.
But don’t assume this means everything is ok. He has a hell of work to do to repair his ‘mistake’

@butbyanyothername you sound like a wonderful stepmum x

From all the info we've been given by the OP he's a loving hands on dad who has made one mistake. I'm sorry for what you've been through but I don't think it applies nor is helpful here!
@butbyanyothername I'm glad she was brave enough to front it out today and as these things usually are the what ifs were worse than the actual

FFS haven’t we all said things before realising we shouldn’t have? Yes in this case it was bad, and of course he should apologise and try anything he can think of to make up for it.

As a 12yo what would I have honestly wanted? For my dad to apologise, make me a huge gift and then for everybody to pretend that it never happened (at home and at school).

Why are so many of you doing this?!
The Dad had work. He's already apologised. He made ONE mistake.
'"Now I'm no saying that your DSD will develop PTSD..." but I am heavily suggesting it based on my own personal, completely unrelated, circumstances because I want the OP and her husband to feel even worse than they already do about a difficult situation.'

Why are so many of you so hell bent on absolutely decimating this poor family because of one bad comment?! There isn't a single bit of evidence to suggest that this is any more than a one off. I think @butbyanyothername is doing an incredible job of staying calm under the awful pressure some of you are putting on her. You should be ashamed of yourselves!

Edited to say: Upon reading the couple of posts that were posted before mine at least shows a majority of posters agree with me. Thank goodness - I hope the OP is able to filter out all the crap and concentrate on just those sorts of comments!

But ultimately it needs to be forgivable because you can’t trash your relationship with your dad because of one stupid thing, no matter how embarrassing.

Do you reckon he'd have brought up his son's ejaculate on sheets/pyjamas when joking about how messy kids are, had DSD been DSS? If he did, would you still be like "ah we all say things without thinking"?

I'm glad DSD's day went well at school! But I think kind of fobbing off how serious what dad said is isn't going to do DSD any favours down the line, it comes across like an excuse.

I don't think he would have, no. Because he's a man who has probably experienced that, and so understands how embarrassing it would be.

I don't think there's been a single person here - from either side of the argument- who has tried to "fob off" the comment.

I wonder if the posters saying half of the comments here are overreacting, that DSD will forget about it and dad just made an innocent slip up, weren't humiliated by a parent/caregiver because of their changing body as a girl.

I'm getting the impression that those who similar happened to are most upset on DSD's behalf.

I wonder which camp DSD would fall into in twenty years?

I'm glad today has gone well OP.

@JayJayEl quite a few posters are saying DSD will forget all about it and dad just made a small mistake and didn't mean anything by it.

Really glad to read that today went smoothly for her, @butbyanyothername

@DelilahRay OP hasn't (although her comments could make it seem a bit like it), but other pp have.

I all honesty there's so much crap on here I know I haven't retained the info from every reply I've read. I agree that that isn't okay.

Will disagree with you here, though. I don't think OPs replies could have been misconstrued in that way. I think all her replies have been appropriate and level headed.

I think there is something in this. Shame-based parenting was rife in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s and it does destroy self-esteem long-term. For those of us who have experienced this (or even worse it sadly sounds like) it’s really hard not to project as it’s so emotive - we know exactly how the young girl’s humiliation feels.

Ultimately though, we cannot know if the OP’s DP had an element of intent (however subconscious) or if it really was just a ghastly gaffe which he wanted to recall the second the words left his lips. Only OP has seen his subsequent reactions and this will tell which scenario it is. So has he been beating himself up and torn up with worry about how his daughter will fare today? Or is he just uncomfortable as he’s been under heat from his family? None of us can know this.

But I think differences in our own childhood experiences are driving the divergence in opinion.