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Original poster

DP humiliated DSD(12)

456 replies

butbyanyothername · 02/03/2025 10:49

DSD is 12, lives here full time. Been with DP 5 years, our kids are both little so completely out of my depth with a near teenager.

She had 2 school friends round for a sleepover last night, no problems. One set of parents came to pick them both up this morning as they live close to eachother.
Lighthearted conversation about how much mess they’d made, plates and cups everywhere etc.
Another parent said how they’d found a glass of smoothie in their dd’s bedroom that had turned completely solid/moldy, fine everybody laughed.
DP then said how we’d found used period products/ dirty underwear in DSD’s’s room.
Obviously nobody laughed, awkward change of conversation and they left. Poor DSD’s face completely dropped, her friends both looked at and made a face to each other and didn’t acknowledge her as they left.

I’m absolutely furious at him, he does feel terrible and has apologised but DSD is completely beside herself, has she’s not ever going back to school now and won’t come out of her room to talk to anyone. Sunday plans we had are probably going to be cancelled.

Any advice on how to deal with/rectify this? What do we say to her?
Is it worth DP contacting the parents to apologise?

OP posts:
wonkymonkey · 02/03/2025 13:01

I think she might be able to play it down as her dad having a terrible sense of humour and being an idiot. Maybe she texts her friends that? That he was making it up to be funny?

Bellyblueboy · 02/03/2025 13:02

butbyanyothername · 02/03/2025 12:59

We are under no illusion that what he did wasn't terrible, he was incredibly foolish. He just wasn't intentional being cruel and humiliating her though. He understands that he's let her down massively and will make sure he makes up for and learns from this.

How does he treat her normally - how does he treat you?

are there often little jokes that put you down? I grew up in a house like this. I once asked my dad a question about sex and I overheard him telling all his friends and them all laughing. I was nine. I still feel that betrayal.

the other parents will now have clocked him as, at best, a bit of a shit, and at worst an emotionally abusive dad.

WarmWhite · 02/03/2025 13:02

There’s a high chance those girls will repeat this. If they do, you’ll have to speak to school and a teacher will speak to them.

The teacher won’t accept those 12 year olds are just being a bit thoughtless. Neither will they tolerate the excuse they thought a funky cup was the same as someone’s used underwear and it was ok to tell everyone about it. It’s going to classed as bullying isn’t it, while her dad is “just a bit thoughtless”.

Easy touch is right that Many a true character has been revealed in "jest" or "concern".

I wouldn’t be surprised if this turned into a safeguarding issue.

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12 year olds Families
oakleaffy · 02/03/2025 13:02

@butbyanyothername Don’t buy her a gift-
it will be linked in her mind with the humiliation, and tainted.

Bankholidayhelp · 02/03/2025 13:03

honeybeetheoneandonly · 02/03/2025 12:57

The things I would tell her and (I think it will have to come from you rather than him):

  1. Hopefully, that's the most humiliating thing that dad will do for the remainder of her teenage years. With that out of the way, it's engaged brain from now on out, hopefully.
  1. While you totally understand how embarrassing this felt. Having periods and dealing with them is something women have done since the dawn of time and will do until the day we go extinct. So while it's is a big deal it's also not a big deal at all.
  1. If you had come to pick her up and the other girl's dad had said that, you would have also cringed so hard and thought "poor girl, glad I'm not going to be part of that household for the aftermath" (or whatever your thoughts would have been). Point being, the dad being in the doghouse and no shade on the girl.

It's also a good shout to ask her what she would have thought if she had just been the bystander, although she probably can't think straight right now.

Time will heal this, but it's one of those horrible things she'll have to get through.

Edited

I like this response - and I think it's what I would do/would have done.

Talktomeeeee3 · 02/03/2025 13:04

I'm sorry but your DP is a cunt! That's a hideous thing to joke about especially at a teenager girls expense.

Porcuporpoise · 02/03/2025 13:05

oakleaffy · 02/03/2025 12:59

Absolutely not.
This poor girl will remember the humiliation for decades.
People suggesting presents and days out for her friends are way off the mark.

Nothing can really fix the deep shame and embarrassment of this.

Akin to the old horror movie “ Carrie “

At our school it was a dread to have anything to do with periods mentioned.

Show quote history

I think you might be projecting a bit with this. Periods are private but the days of "deep shame" and silence around them are past. The OPs SD certainly does not need the idea that something terribly shameful and awful has happened reenforcing (however much her dad needs tk learn when to keep his trap shut).

snotathing · 02/03/2025 13:06

I'd hate to be married to someone so obviously repulsed by women's bodies and periods. He did this to shame her. There's no way anybody could have thought it was acceptable to mention to her friends and their parents.

Sanitary pads don't just disappear by themselves. Have you set up a system where she can dispose of them privately? Does she have a proper supply so that she doesn't run out? She's just a child and deserve help, not ridicule from a nasty parent.

sprigatito · 02/03/2025 13:06

@Porcuporpoise well, she doesn't really have the option of cutting him off, does she? But I would be surprised if she ever fully trusted him again.

commonsense61 · 02/03/2025 13:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Rosecoffeecup · 02/03/2025 13:18

Blimey I've heard it all now. Its going to become a safeguarding issue?! Some posters have disappeared up their own arseholes it seems

There's some very pious messages here - hasn't everyone said something utterly thoughtless and hurtful at some point? He's been a cunt, he knows he's been a cunt, it will undoubtedly take some time for her to forgive him being a cunt.

I think everyone just needs to ride it out and don't minimise how she is feeling. Hopefully her friends don't make a big deal out of it but sadly it is a real possibility - you will have to cross that bridge if you get to it. Tell her to go in to school with her chin up and act like nothing happened.

cinnamongirl123 · 02/03/2025 13:19

Could she say to her friends: 'he doesn't understand young women - that that's what bins in your bedroom and period pants are for - I was just putting things where my mum told me to and we can't understand why he said that'.

I agree with this. And would add for DH to really emphasise to DSD that he didnt mean to embarrass her, he just didnt think, didnt consider how it would feel for her, and that he is an idiot and will learn a big lesson from this. And probably buy her something like her favourite cake/donut/whatever.

As for DH - contrary to most posters, I feel for him - he was clearly just trying to josh along with the theme of 'things found in teen bedrooms', he just seems socially awkward and completely missed the mark here. He reminds me of a dad I know, absolutely no ill-intent, just doesnt think things through at all and often comes out with bizarre things. Hope DSD is ok OP. X

Bellyblueboy · 02/03/2025 13:20

I like the suggestion painting her dad as a weird misogynist - after all it is true!!. The parents will have been horrified by the comments and will already be worried about his behaviour.

Decent parents don’t do this. If I witnessed this - I would explain to my children that some children have hard home lives - I am sure the parents think this is a nasty man. He has shown them who he is.

hopefully her friends will be kind.

mcmooberry · 02/03/2025 13:24

This is unbelievably embarrassing and I feel awful for DSD and your DH too, he just didn't read the room or think. Could she message her friends saying her dad is totally mortified? Styling it out is often best but you need the benefit of three further decades of age for that.

PennyApril54 · 02/03/2025 13:24

This is such a difficult situation.
I think a short message to friends from dd saying :
What is my dad like?! Mega cringe 🤣 he only found used packaging nothing gross. Some men are dinosaurs 🦕
Or my mum says he's a dinosaur

Original poster
butbyanyothername · 02/03/2025 13:27

Poor girls has made herself physically sick from crying and worrying. Very against her not going to school tomorrow and think that just gives the friends more chance to gossip and make a big deal about it.

She’s had proper apology’s and cuddles from dad. Promises that he will be making it up to her in whatever way she sees fit and that nothing like this will ever happen again. He genuinely feels terrible and knows he's let her down massively. He is a good man and a good father.

I’m going to try and do something nice with her for a couple of hours so we can have some girl time and try and take her mind of it for a bit then we can approach school, solutions and responses this evening.

OP posts:
Phelicity · 02/03/2025 13:27

This must feel almost like having intimate photos shared online. I imagine the worst aspect for her is having to face her friends at school and wondering if it will affect their opinion of her, and ultimately leave her isolated and humiliated.

A day back at school will either reassure her or make things worse. Her best approach might be to treat it as one of her Dad’s stupid jokes, and try to laugh it off??

Then take it from there - follow her lead.

Diningtableornot · 02/03/2025 13:28

Bloody hell what a shattering thing to do to a sensitive young girl. I’m afraid it will take quite a while for her to recover and DH will have to wait it out and respect her taking the time she needs.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/03/2025 13:30

dapsnotplimsolls · 02/03/2025 11:23

He should contact the parents, apologise and ask that it goes no further. He should also ask them to get their kid to message your daughter and reassure her that they won't tell anyone

This is what I would do - @dapsnotplimsolls’ suggestion is sensible.

snotathing · 02/03/2025 13:32

He is a good man and a good father.

Actually, he's neither.

Brickiscool · 02/03/2025 13:32

She needs to brazen this out. Either by a text to one friends saying god my dad is such a dick (or whatever language her ages group use) followed by a text about something completely different.
Or just ignore what happened completely and text the friend about something completely different.

I think it's important she messages those friends today. About something. Anything. Is there homework she can message about ? Or a silly picture? What does she normally chat with them about?

I think she needs contact today to make going into school tomorrow better.

ZoeCM · 02/03/2025 13:37

Holy shit, your husband sounds like a complete creep! My dad has his flaws, but he would never in a million years have done that to me.

Mountainfrog · 02/03/2025 13:37

takealettermsjones · 02/03/2025 11:36

I'd go down the letting her slag him off route. Coach her on what to say if necessary.

"Fgs I can't believe my dad saying that, he found one WRAPPED UP pad in my BIN and his head fell off" etc

This is good

FindusMakesPancakes · 02/03/2025 13:38

snotathing · 02/03/2025 13:32

He is a good man and a good father.

Actually, he's neither.

You cannot judge an entire character on the basis of this one incident. If you have never said or done something where you wish the ground would instantly swallow you up, you are the only person who has ever lived such a perfect life

WilfredsPies · 02/03/2025 13:38

I think previous suggestions of messaging her friends as soon as possible to say that it was only packaging, or a dirty washing pile he’d found and that he’s a massive dickhead, would be the best thing for her to do. If they were smirking at each other and didn’t even say goodbye to your DSD, then I don’t think they sound like the sort of nice, kind friends who will just forget about it. Her best bet is to take the rolling eyes approach and hope she can convince them it’s not true. She needs to do that sooner rather than later though, before they’ve had a chance to tell every other teenager they’ve ever met. Teens can be feral and he’s just given them a ton of ammunition to use against her.

I’d keep a very close eye on her for a few weeks, if I were you, just to make sure she’s not being bullied over it. And bar him from ever having a conversation with her friends or their parents ever again.