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Original poster

DP humiliated DSD(12)

456 replies

butbyanyothername · 02/03/2025 10:49

DSD is 12, lives here full time. Been with DP 5 years, our kids are both little so completely out of my depth with a near teenager.

She had 2 school friends round for a sleepover last night, no problems. One set of parents came to pick them both up this morning as they live close to eachother.
Lighthearted conversation about how much mess they’d made, plates and cups everywhere etc.
Another parent said how they’d found a glass of smoothie in their dd’s bedroom that had turned completely solid/moldy, fine everybody laughed.
DP then said how we’d found used period products/ dirty underwear in DSD’s’s room.
Obviously nobody laughed, awkward change of conversation and they left. Poor DSD’s face completely dropped, her friends both looked at and made a face to each other and didn’t acknowledge her as they left.

I’m absolutely furious at him, he does feel terrible and has apologised but DSD is completely beside herself, has she’s not ever going back to school now and won’t come out of her room to talk to anyone. Sunday plans we had are probably going to be cancelled.

Any advice on how to deal with/rectify this? What do we say to her?
Is it worth DP contacting the parents to apologise?

OP posts:
LionME · 02/03/2025 14:34

If they were smirking at each other and didn’t even say goodbye to your DSD, then I don’t think they sound like the sort of nice, kind friends who will just forget about it.

Yep I fully agree there

Also I dint think your DP should ever think it’s just about her been humiliated and helping ‘getting over’ that bump.
He has shattered her trust. Just at the start of teenage years, that was a very very bad move. And it’s going to have an impact on everything.

He needs a plan on how to rebuild that trust. And it doesn’t start with contacting the parents where she said NO.

Beeloux · 02/03/2025 14:35

Oh god, poor dsd. I’d be prepared for the friends parents to not want their dc staying again after his comment. I would find it very creepy a father talking about their 12 year olds knickers and periods like that.

I agree with others if anyone says anything at school, she has to make him look like the fool and try and make a joke out of the situation. Horrible position for her to be in!

PennyApril54 · 02/03/2025 14:37

Ddakji · 02/03/2025 14:34

But we live in a society where talking about periods as a normal thing has long been deemed a good thing. So you can’t have it both ways. The OP said he saw it as being the same as leaving food dishes to go mouldy. Obviously he was wrong in that but if periods have been a very open topic of discussion then perhaps that’s a subtlety he didn’t get (though he does now!).

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Yes I understand what you mean. I think the difference is if I want to talk about my period then I will but I certainly wouldn't be expecting my dad to bring it into conversation 🤣🙈

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12 year olds Families
LionME · 02/03/2025 14:37

Ddakji · 02/03/2025 14:34

But we live in a society where talking about periods as a normal thing has long been deemed a good thing. So you can’t have it both ways. The OP said he saw it as being the same as leaving food dishes to go mouldy. Obviously he was wrong in that but if periods have been a very open topic of discussion then perhaps that’s a subtlety he didn’t get (though he does now!).

Show quote history

A modicum of emotional maturity would have told him that
1- most 12yo girls aren’t particularly keen on periods but rather feel ashamed/uncomfortable/worried boys will laught at them etc…
2- not all 12yo have a period yet

And the ‘we’re all free to talk about periods nowadays’ is a pile of crap tbh.
No adult woman talks about their periods to random people, let alone to people somehow in position if autority (which parents/adults will be fir 12yo)

StrawberryDream24 · 02/03/2025 14:47

Well now you know why he was single.

I'm surprised you had kids with him before encountering behaviour like this.

ArtTheClown · 02/03/2025 14:50

What in the name of actual fuck went through his head that he thought that was remotely an appropriate thing to say?!
He's really screwed up - she's never going to forget this.

Zanatdy · 02/03/2025 14:55

Oh bless her, poor kid. I hope these girls don’t share this with other kids. I can’t believe he would say such a thing in front of her friends.

Doingmybestbut · 02/03/2025 14:59

If she doesn’t go to school tomorrow it will be harder and harder to go back each day. Have a conversation and play out the worst case scenarios with her: if her friends ignore her, what is her plan? If they spread a nasty rumour about her, what is her plan? Tell her if it gets to break time and she really has no friends you will come and pick her up.

I8toys · 02/03/2025 15:04

Can you go in and give her a cuddle and commiserate over what a twat her dad is? He then coughs up some dough and she and her friends go out somewhere and again commiserate over what a twat her dad is.

CarrieOnComplaining · 02/03/2025 15:05

I would take her out on your own and talk about feeling embarrassed by all things menstrual when you are young, but actually talking about period pants IS no worse than talking about mouldy food.

However, tell her her Dad still had no right to talk about her personal business.

Since the girls went quiet, they might actually be loyal and respect her privacy over this. But tell her if they don’t she can just say boldly “OMG you have no idea what an idiot my Dad is! “ And tell her friends that if they gossip a it if they are as bad as her Dad.

Poor girl.

CarrieOnComplaining · 02/03/2025 15:09

Ddakji · 02/03/2025 14:34

But we live in a society where talking about periods as a normal thing has long been deemed a good thing. So you can’t have it both ways. The OP said he saw it as being the same as leaving food dishes to go mouldy. Obviously he was wrong in that but if periods have been a very open topic of discussion then perhaps that’s a subtlety he didn’t get (though he does now!).

Show quote history

It’s fine to talk openly about periods in general.

Totally different to talk about someone else’s own periods and stained knickers in front of their friends and parents.

That’s personal information.

Mouldy food is not personal .

Over40Overdating · 02/03/2025 15:09

@Ddakji this wasn’t just talking about periods though. It was her dad chipping in on disgusting things kids do - in that context it’s absolutely about shame and embarrassment. Plus it is really not appropriate for a dad of a 12 year old girl to be talking about her underwear in front of other adults and children as ‘a joke’. It is incredibly creepy regardless of whether he meant it.

And do you really think an adult man on marriage number 2 doesn’t know that? It begs the question of how lacking he is in emotional and common sense in other ways if he had no idea how badly this would paint him.

Ddakji · 02/03/2025 15:09

PennyApril54 · 02/03/2025 14:37

Yes I understand what you mean. I think the difference is if I want to talk about my period then I will but I certainly wouldn't be expecting my dad to bring it into conversation 🤣🙈

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Well, sure! 🤣 But he may not have picked up on that if periods were being discussed over the dinner table. Not knowing what the family are like in this regard makes it hard to judge. He just sounds a little clueless but with his heart in the right place.

I just think all these comments ramping up how AWFUL, DEVASTATING, UNFORGIVABLE he was are extremely unhelpful.

Original poster
butbyanyothername · 02/03/2025 15:12

I didn’t expect to get so many replies and I understand people are really upset and angry, I am too but I was asking for advice in helping to sort out the situation and support DSD now it’s happened not weather what he said was okay, we all know it definitely wasn’t. It's not helpful for me to just berate him when DSD needs support.

Obviously he definitely shouldn’t have said it but he did and he can’t go back. Although DSD is mad with her dad what she’s really upset about is her friends and having to go to school tomorrow and dp feeling absolutely terrible and apologising doesn’t actually help her with that.

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 02/03/2025 15:17

butbyanyothername · 02/03/2025 15:12

I didn’t expect to get so many replies and I understand people are really upset and angry, I am too but I was asking for advice in helping to sort out the situation and support DSD now it’s happened not weather what he said was okay, we all know it definitely wasn’t. It's not helpful for me to just berate him when DSD needs support.

Obviously he definitely shouldn’t have said it but he did and he can’t go back. Although DSD is mad with her dad what she’s really upset about is her friends and having to go to school tomorrow and dp feeling absolutely terrible and apologising doesn’t actually help her with that.

Ignore the DP-bashers. Has she had any contact with her friends?

Frostynoman · 02/03/2025 15:21

She needs to practice laughing it off and come up with a convincing one liner lie that makes it sound like what her dad said was completely out of context - sadly she’s got to practice how to save face to get ahead of it at school

YourWildAmberSloth · 02/03/2025 15:23

FWIW this reflects poorly on him, not her. I remember when I was 13, my friends dad telling us (group of friends and parents) that friend 'stinks when she's bleeding'. She was mortified and embarrassed, we felt so sorry for her and just thought he was a total prick. There are certain things that you just don't say. I don't think he can make it up to her tbh.

InterIgnis · 02/03/2025 15:25

Yeah, that’s going to go around the school like wildfire, unfortunately.

It’s all well and good saying sorry, but that isn’t going to change the fact that she’s going to be the one that has to live with the social consequences of this, and it may not go away quickly. It isn’t an exaggeration to say that this could follow her through school.

The only advice really is for her to front it out, don’t give it oxygen, and show no sign that it gets to her if/when it’s talked about. Being defensive will only add fuel.

As far as the relationship between DH and daughter, he would be wise to give her space, acknowledge his fuck up, and not downplay it/offer her lazy platitudes about ‘oh, it’s nothing really’/‘it’ll blow over’. To her this is devastating and anxiety inducing. She’s anticipating going back to school to face this, and she’s terrified.

Original poster
butbyanyothername · 02/03/2025 15:27

@dapsnotplimsolls Thank-you and no, says she doesn’t want to They are newish friends not from her original primary school group.
She does has other friends though, one of which we know really well and I am close with her mum and am certain will be there for her if necessary

But hopefully nothing will happen, I can imagine a little giggling and gossiping between the two of them probably went on but that should be it and it won't go any further.

OP posts:
PennyApril54 · 02/03/2025 15:30

Ddakji · 02/03/2025 15:09

Well, sure! 🤣 But he may not have picked up on that if periods were being discussed over the dinner table. Not knowing what the family are like in this regard makes it hard to judge. He just sounds a little clueless but with his heart in the right place.

I just think all these comments ramping up how AWFUL, DEVASTATING, UNFORGIVABLE he was are extremely unhelpful.

Show quote history

Yes I see where you're coming from. I think we need to move into damage limitation mode all round ❤️

Whenim63 · 02/03/2025 15:31

Oh god, the poor girl! Awful for her. But it does sound like this is a one off aberration on dps part. He literally just opened his mouth and….jammed his foot straight in it. Idiot.
In terms of your DSD, I think she needs to style this out. Girls can be mean so I think she needs to play it like she’s not bothered? Yeah, so what? Be as nonchalant as she can (which I appreciate is not easy at 12!!)
But missing school will just make her more anxious. She needs to go back and face it, it will all blow over (although I remember being her age so I am sure she thinks it’s the end of the world)
DP needs to grovel for all he is worth and never, ever, ever make such a crass, ridiculous remark again.

FluffyDashhound · 02/03/2025 15:32

He should not even be in her room to find this so why was he in her room. It is weird. No need to go in my dd would hate him forever she Will remember this she really will.

dapsnotplimsolls · 02/03/2025 15:33

She must go in tomorrow - absence will just bring about questions/gossip. I think all you can really do now is give her some stock phrases in case anyone does say anything.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 02/03/2025 15:37

@FluffyDashhound what do you mean he shouldn’t be in her room? He was probably just tidying up.

JimHalpertsWife · 02/03/2025 15:38

If the other parents have any sense they'll be making abundantly clear to their dc not to speak a word of this to anyone else. I'd also be talking to my own dc about how hard dsd will be finding this now that her dad has betrayed her so badly.

I honestly don't know how he can fix this, ever.