DP humiliated DSD(12)

[butbyanyothername]

DSD is 12, lives here full time. Been with DP 5 years, our kids are both little so completely out of my depth with a near teenager.

She had 2 school friends round for a sleepover last night, no problems. One set of parents came to pick them both up this morning as they live close to eachother.
Lighthearted conversation about how much mess they’d made, plates and cups everywhere etc.
Another parent said how they’d found a glass of smoothie in their dd’s bedroom that had turned completely solid/moldy, fine everybody laughed.
DP then said how we’d found used period products/ dirty underwear in DSD’s’s room.
Obviously nobody laughed, awkward change of conversation and they left. Poor DSD’s face completely dropped, her friends both looked at and made a face to each other and didn’t acknowledge her as they left.

I’m absolutely furious at him, he does feel terrible and has apologised but DSD is completely beside herself, has she’s not ever going back to school now and won’t come out of her room to talk to anyone. Sunday plans we had are probably going to be cancelled.

Any advice on how to deal with/rectify this? What do we say to her?
Is it worth DP contacting the parents to apologise?

Yes. And they obviously share younger children

What a jerk!
What man makes an open comment to anyone else about periods - unless a doctor?
Very bad form of your DH - and he did it re. his 12 year old ?
Unbelievable!
What a motor mouth.
Shock of having first few periods bad enough anyway for 12 year old.
Did anyone actually tell her what to do with these items ?
She will never forget this.

Does she have a phone?

Has she had contact from any of them?

I agree with Over40Overdating.

You should pay attention. I had similar treatment from my dad.

Your husband knows a funky glass is not the same as a young girls used underwear. Or periods. It’s not a normal thing to say at all. He’s betrayed her and embarrassed her and she now knows she has no privacy at home. Don’t try to downplay it by telling her embarrassing period stories. It’s not comparable at all unless a man humiliated you like her dad did.

Is he aware some other parents might find him a creep? My daughter would not be staying at your house again around an adult man who has no boundaries and talks about his daughters dirty underwear.

@Maurepas he did very wrong in this situation but I think some men genuinely have no issue with it. My DP is very… straightforward about anything body related, it’s refreshing but if you’re a bit less open (like me) it takes a while to get used to it.

@butbyanyothername The tricky thing about being a nice 12-year-old is that they often feel loyal, and don't know what's socially-allowed, e.g. selective telling of truths.

Could you give her some ideas on how to deflect this? - for example, she could say convincingly that he'd completely got wrong something you'd mentioned about which bins to use, and that sometimes it's really hard when it's just your dad & SM.

It sounds as if you have a great relationship which is a wonderful thing.

No, I really don't think so.

Blood is blood. Why should girls/women have to be embarrassed about it? (though unfortunately, because of people with attitudes like yours, many are).

You have a problem.

I pray to god you don't have daughters.

Hear hear!

That wasn't ridiculous

That was humiliating

Please can you now stop him going in her room at all?

She needs privacy and it needs to be you who deals with anything personal (inc her room)

Does she see her mum at all?

If your SD has a phone then yes agree that she should text her mates and say that it was her Dad’s idea of a joke and not true - and that he is an idiot and embarrassing. BUT you also need to quickly change the narrative with something supercool that your SD has to talk about - e.g. a new mobile phone, cool trainers, bag whatever - and the offer of an amazing treat for all three girls this week e.g. trip to theme park - so that the other girls are inclined to stay in your SD’s good books and not start gossiping!
A costly mistake for your partner but he needs to learn a lesson!

He should not have said such a thing in front of others, hopefully the effect it had on the captive audience will have made an impression on him. Poor girl, how embarrassing. However she should be seeing to her own underwear, most girls do once they start periods. Maybe she will now.

Your husband must make a heartfelt apology and if anyone says anything to her at school, all she has to say is, "It was only once, I don't make a habit of it for goodness sake!", quite firmly, and shut down the conversation.

This will pass - but I am shocked at a father saying something like that.

I disagree, unless there’s a huge drip feed coming, there’s no indication that he’s anything other than a thoughtless nob based on this information.

I’d find all sorts of unpleasant bodily fluids in both of my step kids rooms when I was cleaning up and was absolutely not looking for them. Obviously I never talked about it in front of them or other people but I try hard not to be a dick head.

My take on this is that it’s happened and she’s understandably really upset and embarrassed, buying presents, punishing him etc is not going to help that. Helping her feel less alone and validating her feelings is. He has no defence, he was a dick and he’s sorry, there is nothing he can do to undo that. All he can do is continue to own it.

He needs to buy her something fantastic so that she can take it to school and nonchalantly say my dad got me this to apologise. Their attention will be turned to the fantastic object (new phone, for example) and they will forget about it.

Can she try and make out to her friends like her dad was joking by being extra gross on purpose and obviously it was a joke kinda thing to friends to salvage dignity? No other idea of how she could turn this around other than ignore but that may make it worse if they talk about it and are the kind to say stuff behind her back

Growing up, my parents house didn't have closed bins. Still doesn't. They were open top bins. The only time I put a wrapped pad in one, I got shit off my brothers for it. After that, I did start hiding them in my room so I could sneak them out to an outside bin without anyone else seeing. And yes, sometimes I probably forgot or couldn't get them out for a few days. Not because I am or was disgusting, but because I was a child learning to deal with periods in a household which gave me limited privacy.

People acting like a normal interaction occurred by the father even knowing about his daughter's less than optimum used sanpro and stained underwear disposal in her OWN pre teen puberty having bedroom, then disclosing information about his daughter's used undetwear to strangers....these people are slow or on the abusive spectrum their own selves .

Many a true character has been revealed in "jest" or "concern".
The point is not the girl's lack of hygiene.
The issue is the lack of natural loyalty and sense of care the father revealed himself to have as soon as a benign opportunity gave him a chance to.
This would have been a "shoe dropped" moment for me, no matter how disgusted I would have been to find used sanpro and stained underwear in my daughter's bedroom.
A lot of fathers become low key controlling at any sign of their.daughter's fertility, sexuality, puberty.

@butbyanyothername Has your stepdaughter got disposal bags and a lidded bin to put her used products and soiled clothing in?

Chances are she feels embarrassed, especially at such a young age.

Poor girl, her dad was completely out of order there.

The things I would tell her and (I think it will have to come from you rather than him):

1. Hopefully, that's the most humiliating thing that dad will do for the remainder of her teenage years. With that out of the way, it's engaged brain from now on out, hopefully.

1. While you totally understand how embarrassing this felt. Having periods and dealing with them is something women have done since the dawn of time and will do until the day we go extinct. So while it's is a big deal it's also not a big deal at all.

1. If you had come to pick her up and the other girl's dad had said that, you would have also cringed so hard and thought "poor girl, glad I'm not going to be part of that household for the aftermath" (or whatever your thoughts would have been). Point being, the dad being in the doghouse and no shade on the girl.

It's also a good shout to ask her what she would have thought if she had just been the bystander, although she probably can't think straight right now.

Time will heal this, but it's one of those horrible things she'll have to get through.

This is so nasty that I don’t understand why he would do this.

all this nonsense about being out of your depth with a near teen. But surely there is common decency?

if I heard an adult do this to either his partner or child I would assume it’s an abusive relationship. He deliberately humiliated her in a very cruel way. How can she ever trust him again.

of he doesn’t think he is abusive or a misogynist then I would suggest he gets some therapy to better understand why he would do this.

goodness, i personally wouldn't contact the parents. It just makes the embarrassment/issue a proper thing.

Either do nothing, or get DSD to text her friends either saying my dad is dick, or something basic about homework or something.

But acknowledge DSDs feelings, DP should be grovelling big time. She will be embarrassed for ages, but she goes to school tomorrow. For her it will feel massive.

We are under no illusion that what he did wasn't terrible, he was incredibly foolish. He just wasn't intentional being cruel and humiliating her though. He understands that he's let her down massively and will make sure he makes up for and learns from this.

Absolutely not.
This poor girl will remember the humiliation for decades.
People suggesting presents and days out for her friends are way off the mark.

Nothing can really fix the deep shame and embarrassment of this.

Akin to the old horror movie “ Carrie “

At our school it was a dread to have anything to do with periods mentioned.