DP humiliated DSD(12)

[butbyanyothername]

DSD is 12, lives here full time. Been with DP 5 years, our kids are both little so completely out of my depth with a near teenager.

She had 2 school friends round for a sleepover last night, no problems. One set of parents came to pick them both up this morning as they live close to eachother.
Lighthearted conversation about how much mess they’d made, plates and cups everywhere etc.
Another parent said how they’d found a glass of smoothie in their dd’s bedroom that had turned completely solid/moldy, fine everybody laughed.
DP then said how we’d found used period products/ dirty underwear in DSD’s’s room.
Obviously nobody laughed, awkward change of conversation and they left. Poor DSD’s face completely dropped, her friends both looked at and made a face to each other and didn’t acknowledge her as they left.

I’m absolutely furious at him, he does feel terrible and has apologised but DSD is completely beside herself, has she’s not ever going back to school now and won’t come out of her room to talk to anyone. Sunday plans we had are probably going to be cancelled.

Any advice on how to deal with/rectify this? What do we say to her?
Is it worth DP contacting the parents to apologise?

That would make it vastly worse. Please don't let him do that.

I honestly can't see a way out of this, other than your DSD slagging him off to her friends.

That poor girl. I wince sometimes at the memory of stupid things I've said, but this, and from a man, FFS, is just spectacularly awful. How in any world did he think mentioning his daughter's period to other people, in ANY context, was okay?

What a prick. I know he didn’t mean it but dear lord….

I would just try and be there for your DSD. The more he contacts them the more it gets worse. Hopefully all will be ok at school and the girls haven’t spread it around. If they have then that’s another bridge to cross.

If anything she could be texting her friends saying "can you bloody believe him? He has to be the most embarrassing man on the planet and I may need to join witness protection so nobody else finds out we're related."

I honestly think that's the best, and only, thing she can do.

Yes- hopefully he has learnt from this but maybe worth having a chat…

I'd struggle to speak to my partner Id be so livid. What a stupid man I hope he feels terrible. Give ur step daughter a cuddle if you can.

I was going to say - woman to woman maybe you could encourage her to contact her friends and say “oh my god, my dad is soooo embarassing” and maybe they can get past it that way??? She should definitely slag him off to her friends!!

No. I'm certain he wasn't purposely trying to humiliate or upset her and he feels awful that him being stupid and not thinking has embarrassed his daughter.

Awful - what on earth was he thinking?

Could she say to her friends: 'he doesn't understand young women - that that's what bins in your bedroom and period pants are for - I was just putting things where my mum told me to and we can't understand why he said that'.

Omg, why would he say that? Poor girl!

I agree. That is a great text, if she is the kind of tween who can pull it off.

I'd go down the letting her slag him off route. Coach her on what to say if necessary.

"Fgs I can't believe my dad saying that, he found one WRAPPED UP pad in my BIN and his head fell off" etc

He needs to tell his dd that going to school is not optional and give her advice on how to handle it/shut it down if mentioned.

Something like, "can't believe he said that, it was once, when I had to get changed very quickly to go out and was in such a rush I forgot to take it through to the bathroom bin and he freaked out as noticed before I got back. No big deal, he is such an arsehole for mentioning it, thinks he is cool dad because he talks about periods then freaks for something like that 🙄, we were on our way out to <insert exciting place, and change subject to talk about that instead >"

Good God, what was he thinking?!
That is just…biblically awful. Why not paint a red mark on your house to let everyone know when she’s menstruating? Hang her menstrual cloths out to dry in the marketplace? Or perhaps send her into a shame-lodge the day before her period?

As a man and a father he should feel fucking ashamed of himself.

I think he definitely needs to send some kind of message along the lines of ‘I am a huge idiot and made a mistake with what I said earlier, please be a good friend and don’t embarrass DD by mentioning it again.’

Solidarity to your DD.

Honestly OP, this is bad. I would be extremely concerned about bullying resulting from this. What are the friends like? The type to tell another classmate? Do they have phones?

Agree with the “bloody dad” appraoch. They can all have jolly good fun slagging off their olds and move on.

This. If did has a phone I would be keeping an eye out for bullying.

Oh, don’t be so hyperbolic.

I mean, leaving dirty underwear around in the sense of worn but not actually soiled i'm sure everyone does, but used pads/tampons on your bedroom floor is actually disgusting and your DSD should probably be spoken to about how thats really unhygenic, and to immediately dispose of used period products in the bathroom waste bin when removing them. I'm actually amazed and equally queasy at the idea anyone changes or disposes of used period products anywhere but the bathroom. How can you stand the smell?!

I don't think she is being. It's true, there's a good chance she will get bullied over this.

It's absolutely disgusting that she has left used period products in her room and soiled underwear in her room for her dad and her stepmother to find.

Why isn't that being addressed instead of making the father feel bad?!

Maybe the embarrassment will make sure she doesn't behave like a dirty pig again.

If anything she could be texting her friends saying "can you bloody believe him? He has to be the most embarrassing man on the planet and I may need to join witness protection so nobody else finds out we're related."

I think this is the way to go for your DSD, breezy "oh my god I can't believe he said that" and let it all blow over.

I mean, it's pretty grim leaving used period products in your bedroom - assuming they weren't wrapped up and in a bin.

I would sit down, apologise and ask what she thinks it’s the best course of action.

If the girls are even slightly mean spirited and have access to social media they’ll be telling other friends by now. Your DSD is the one who knows best how to mitigate this. Maybe she wants you to contact the parents, maybe she wants to sort it herself.

Agree.
And he could buy her and the two friends cinema tickets for later this week as an apology.

Genuinely at that age he should be worried that he has not just embarrassed her but made her a target for bullying. I hope she can smooth it out with her friends. I really think she should try and message them today before school. “Oh my god, my dad found one wrapped up pad in my bin and he tells everyone??? FML he’s so embarrassing” obviously translate to teenage speak etc etc

That's truly awful. That's a core memory she won't forgot.
And minimising it and saying noone will remember tomorrow is daft.
They will definitely remember. Teenage girls no matter how good friends they are can be quite mean .
Why would he even talk about her period with anyone other then maybe you .
To be fair you all stood at the door moaning about mess makes you sound very passive aggressive anyway .
Bet the kids all loved that conversation