DP humiliated DSD(12)

[butbyanyothername]

DSD is 12, lives here full time. Been with DP 5 years, our kids are both little so completely out of my depth with a near teenager.

She had 2 school friends round for a sleepover last night, no problems. One set of parents came to pick them both up this morning as they live close to eachother.
Lighthearted conversation about how much mess they’d made, plates and cups everywhere etc.
Another parent said how they’d found a glass of smoothie in their dd’s bedroom that had turned completely solid/moldy, fine everybody laughed.
DP then said how we’d found used period products/ dirty underwear in DSD’s’s room.
Obviously nobody laughed, awkward change of conversation and they left. Poor DSD’s face completely dropped, her friends both looked at and made a face to each other and didn’t acknowledge her as they left.

I’m absolutely furious at him, he does feel terrible and has apologised but DSD is completely beside herself, has she’s not ever going back to school now and won’t come out of her room to talk to anyone. Sunday plans we had are probably going to be cancelled.

Any advice on how to deal with/rectify this? What do we say to her?
Is it worth DP contacting the parents to apologise?

How grossly insensitive! I’d be having a massive go at him. Poor Dsd.

It's an awful thing to have said but it's hardly "unforgivable ". What do you suggest his daughter does - cut him off?

OP all you can do now is reassure the poor girl that it's not the end of the world because, horrifying though this must seem at her age, it really is not.

Don't agree with the masses trying to think up a lie here tbh, lying can't be treated as okay in some situations and not in others.

She's embarrassed because she knows it was a really gross thing to do, so she knew at the time she shouldn't be leaving it there. I bet dad was embarrassed himself when he found the used period products on her floor. There's being chill that women have periods, but nobody wants to see anyone elses used pads/tampons. If it was a one off she can own it and be honest it happened, but was exactly that, a one off. If it's happened more than once then tbh maybe being shamed about it, is what it takes to make her consider others feelings and stop doing it.

DSD is right, that will only make it a bigger deal, FGS make sure he doesn't do this!! if he does she may never forgive him!!

I agree with the posters who have said DSD should text both her friends about something unrelated just whatever they normally text about and see what the responses are like.

most girls have hidden period pants or products at one time or another. When I first started my periods I found it difficult to keep the pads in place overnight and found that wearing several pairs of pants held in place. My mum once found several pair of pants together. (I had disposed of the pad) and completely humiliated me in front of my younger brother I'm 55 now and still haven't forgotten!! I'm way past it mattering but I'm not sure I could say I forgiven her for it. I think it was more thoughtlessness than anything just like your DH. It doesn't make it any less humiliating.!!

But maybe the girls can relate anyway and we'll just text her back as normal if they do say anything she could just say yes she did that when she first got her period years ago and her dad is such a "whatever the in Word is for 12-year-olds indicating he's an absolute twat'

You are spectacularly missing the point.

I got the impression that the embarrassing part was the used products/pants being left lying around. As in, her poor hygiene (and the image in her friend’s head that she walks around with her pants covered in blood) and dirty habits, rather than the actual period itself.

Yes, I believe he genuinely didn’t see the difference though it isn’t really relevant to how DSD is feeling now.
When the period things were found, he wasn’t mad or disgusted by her and didn’t make a big deal about it. To him he handled it exactly as he would have if he’d found old plates/ mouldy food in her room.

Don't be ridiculous, it's hardly uncommon, it can be a mixture of having nowhere Private to dispose of used items and generally being lazy, cannot be bothered to take them to the appropriate place. No, she does not need humiliating in front of her friends to make her change this behaviour.

Do you feel exactly the same about used plasters/bandages?

Wow that's ridiculously harsh and degrading.

You sound like you need educating. A 12 year old probably hasn't been having periods long and they will likely be unexpected and irregular.
She may feel uncertainty, discomfort and embarrassment around having a period.

She may be ND which means she may struggle even more than the average person with bodily functions.

I really hope you never say those vile insults out loud to anyone, let a lone a 12 year old child.

This is bananas.

Oh, I'm not, trust me. I work with children this age, they confined things with me that go on with classmates that they wouldn't typically tell their parents off the bat. They can be extremely mean.

If this happened in front of me & my DD at a friend's house it honestly wouldn't even be an issue. I would tell DD that sometimes people forget & it's no big deal & she would agree. So hopefully nothing comes of it. If these girls have nice parents they will have told them it was a private conversation & not to repeat it. However, the fact they didn't say bye to DSD & weren't prompted to by said parents isn't great either. The leaving used period products isn't great - but I'm sure she will be more careful going forward. Hopefully it's a non issue, let her wallow today & be prepared to style it out tomorrow.

I think people are being very harsh on the OPs partner here. There is nothing to suggest he was deliberately humiliating his daughter. People were telling stories of their gross teenagers and he chimed in with one of his own. It is disgusting to leave used san pro and stained pants around bedroom so not surprising that that’s where his mind went when the discussion was happening. It was thoughtless of him but not malicious and he has already apologised.

it’s also totally normal that the teenager is feeling embarassed and humiliated but he didn’t announce it to the whole school so hopefully all will be well once a few days have passed.

Treating it like it’s the absolute worst thing in the world to happen will reinforce her view that it is..

Unfortunately there is nothing he can do now.
It was an awful thing to say and to say it in front of her friends was an incredibly stupid and insensitive thing to do. The only hope is that her friends are nice girls who won't tell anyone at school about it.
As a parent I would also think that he was a bit of a weirdo and not be happy about further sleepovers, not because I would think he was actually dangerous but because he made everyone feel very uncomfortable and I don't want my DC to be around that.
He can be as sorry as he wants but you can't unsay things, all he can do is to make sure he doesn't do anything like it ever again/

There are much better ways to teach and support than through shame.

Being shamed for anything can be hugely damaging and have life long repercussions.

@NC28
Yes I’m sure that’s the case but I still think the incident is best dealt with this way. I don’t think talk of her never forgiving her dad and similar posts are especially helpful.

It is disgusting to leave used san pro and stained pants around bedroom

You're just assuming that from the detail in the OP - that it was habitual and all over the floor. Fine if it was a bin and a laundry basket - or if she simply dropped some pants when carrying her laundry downstairs.

How mortifying for your SD.
It is possibly a good time to reinforce privacy of her bedroom, loyalty of not talking about her personal business and comararderie between women in the household about women's body issues.. No teenage girl wants her Dad delving into her period practises.
Her friends will treat her the same but they will never forget, nor will they trust her Dad.

Maybe try talking to DSD about it from a feminist perspective? How her friends wouldn’t see a used tissue/ plaster as anything to write home about but because it’s periods it’s soooo shocking- when really it’s very similar and it’s social conditioning+ the patriarchy telling her otherwise.

And if her friends gossip about this, they aren’t very good friends.

Also agree with a PP about sharing some of your embarrassing period stories. I’ve got one about how I walked down a whole train aisle to the loo without realising I’d started my period- and then had to walk back to my seat with my jumper around my waist and everyone avoiding looking at me 😂

Start paying attention - my dad ‘accidentally’ started sharing stuff like this about me ‘as jokes’ at the same age. And was always so sorry and felt so bad afterwards.

Except it wasn’t a joke or accidental. It was a deliberate act to shame me and keep me under control as I started having friends and more life experiences. It became creepy and controlling to the point of people becoming extremely concerned about what was going on in our house that he was so obsessed with sharing personal details to publicly shame me. Decades later there are still people who refer to things he said ‘as a laugh’.

Hopefully it’s a one off from a very stupid but otherwise decent man but if it isn’t, put a stop to it in no uncertain terms.

This. I think someone better get bought a new pair of trainers for school tomorrow.

I dont think you should be getting involved because you literally can't make it better.

They smirked at eachother leaving so saying stuff about how it will be fine is just wrong. They arent adults and so texting about it to minimise it just puts it down in black and white.

You need to the think like a teenager. Just be there for her as she navigates it and tell her, if necessary, deny deny deny.

I'd argue that it is infact uncommon. Shes in a house with an adult woman, who has young children, and so presumably has periods, so there are surely provisions in the bathroom for throwing away sanitary waste. Considering its spectacularly gross to remove or change sanitary wear without washing your hands afterwards, why would you be changing or removing it anywhere but a bathroom anyway? Lazy is not an excuse to throw dirty used sanitary products on the floor! Plus she would have the packaging of the new sanitary product to dispose of too, unless it was the last product of the end of the period, in which case it's still gross to leave it on the floor of a bedroom. Its also just not curteous to others when you live with others who will be coming in the room where you've left it, as a parent will do.

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I thought men, especially dads, found the idea of used period products pretty embarrassing and grim, much more so than women or girls would, so he can't have said that innocently. Not realising it would be really hurtful and cringe. He has to have done it with malice?
I think the rule should be that he's not allowed in her room now unless she's invited him in. I hope she's got a lock on the door.
Once a girl has periods her dad shouldn't be rifling/snooping through her room anyway. Unless maybe he's a single dad tidying, or there's a serious safety concern.