DP humiliated DSD(12)

[butbyanyothername]

DSD is 12, lives here full time. Been with DP 5 years, our kids are both little so completely out of my depth with a near teenager.

She had 2 school friends round for a sleepover last night, no problems. One set of parents came to pick them both up this morning as they live close to eachother.
Lighthearted conversation about how much mess they’d made, plates and cups everywhere etc.
Another parent said how they’d found a glass of smoothie in their dd’s bedroom that had turned completely solid/moldy, fine everybody laughed.
DP then said how we’d found used period products/ dirty underwear in DSD’s’s room.
Obviously nobody laughed, awkward change of conversation and they left. Poor DSD’s face completely dropped, her friends both looked at and made a face to each other and didn’t acknowledge her as they left.

I’m absolutely furious at him, he does feel terrible and has apologised but DSD is completely beside herself, has she’s not ever going back to school now and won’t come out of her room to talk to anyone. Sunday plans we had are probably going to be cancelled.

Any advice on how to deal with/rectify this? What do we say to her?
Is it worth DP contacting the parents to apologise?

Can't you read? I've never said I'd have cut off my Dad. I've said it would be a long time before I spoke to him again.

Ok fine, 12 year old children can’t just ignore their parents until they feel like it acknowledging them.

Not that this particular 12 year old seems inclined to “not speak” to her father, as upset by his behaviour as she is.

@butbyanyothername
I hope school today is ok for your dsd, allays her worries about her friends and helps her start to put the incident behind her.

Agreed. I know a good man and a good step father and he would not dream of doing this. It similar to me announcing to his friends and their parents that DSS sometimes doesn't strip his own bed and when I do, what I might have seen.

It's so crass and vulgar, so uncaring and disrespectful of that young person and a real betrayal of trust over something that is unversally accepted as personal, I can't imagine the situation where that would even be in your mind, forget it even making it out of your mouth.

I mean, she can't. But she can decide not to talk to him about anything important and private. It would seem like a good idea, since he appears to run his mouth for laughs.

This is where MN can be far too rigid and black and white.

The dad was a fucking idiot; thoughtless, boorish and crass and he rightly should grovel.

But it isn’t so heinous that it should affect all future relationships and interactions either, especially not if a sincere and heartfelt apology is given.

@ArabellaWeird are you always so black and white in your approach to life? It's possible to be a good person and occasionally fuck up in spectacular fashion.

Of course I make mistakes. They tend not to involve shaming other people. Like I say, I am not sure why it was even in his head, even if he hasn't got control of his mouth.

I think he spoke before he engaged his brain. Spoke without realising just how humiliating talk of used sanitary towels is for a 12 year old girl. It's absolutely awful, but I don't think he was malicious.

@ArabellaWeird it was in his head because they were engaged in a discussion about gross things that teenagers do. This is a gross thing. It's just not the same level as leaving a mouldy cup out.

He misjudged it massively and nobody on this thread has once said 'oh poor bloke it wasn't even that bad.' Everyone knows it was a terrible comment and incredibly embarrassing to the poor girl.

However you either move on from it - with genuine apologies from the dad. Or you what? Stew on it? Cut contact? Encourage the op to leave him? Call it abuse? All for one stupid comment. The question here isn't 'was he wrong' it's 'what do we do now'.

Thankfully the op sounds very level headed and sensible.

I cannot believe the extreme reactions on this thread.

I very much feel for the poor DD - what an excruciating thing to happen in front of her new friends - but I also feel for the poor idiot DP.

It sounds like you have a really healthy household in general with good communication and no shame associated with periods. Ironically, I think that perhaps it's this lack of stigma around periods has actually led your DP to completely misjudge the situation - in the moment it didn't occur to him just how personal and embarrasing this comment would be, because presumably you and DP have been giving completely the opposite message to DSD i.e. periods are nothing to be ashamed of.

DP is clearly horrified with himself and is in no way minimising what he's done. He is not a monster, far from it.

I agree with the PP who said the real issue is the dynamic with these two girls, which sounds really off. If they were good friends they would have been symoathising with DD, not shunning her. They sound awful.

Asking that it goes no further, if that's what he's considering doing, will just make him look even worse. He's in a hole already and he wants to keep digging. He's already harmed his relationship with his DD. If he compounds this further, I guess she will vote with her feet. And he will deserve it.

@sourpuss23 I'm just not sure I'd engage in a discussion about the 'disgusting" things my family do with their friends. I think maybe that's the difference.

Something to think about is whether if DSD was actually DSS, would his dad mention to his 12 year old friends and their parents when discussing messy rooms that he sometimes finds ejaculate on his sons pyjamas or sheets?

At an age where wet dreams happen (and it's my understanding they happen to most boys), would he have been so "thoughtless" as to say something like that?

If a mother was to say something about her sons bodily functions (ie wet dreams) to his mates as some sort of joke about how messy he is, would people still be like "oh poor dear, give her a break, it was clearly just said without thinking". I super doubt it.

I really hope your DSD's day at school goes well, I can't imagine the pit she had in her stomach this morning 😫 I'm glad you're doing your best to help her.

I think it’s a bit soon to say the young friends “are awful”. They were embarrassed and felt uncomfortable by the conversation. This is natural - after all this is how all the adults felt! I expect they just wanted away from the situation as fast as possible before anything more was said.

Id hope the other parents said something in the car along the lines of that the Dad was very wrong to say what he said; adults are not always in the right; and how awful their friend must feel and that they should not make her feel any worse by using it against her. I think most decent parents would do this and use it as a learning and trust-building exercise.

How's your DSD this morning? Hope she has a settled day at school

Perhaps not but that's probably the reason that it was in his head, not some malicious, insidious, perverted reason like so many people are not very subtly suggesting.

I don't and haven't suggested it was malicious, perverted, or insidious. If I was with people and they began to overshare personal information about the private habits of their teenagers and what might be found under their bed, my first thought would be that it was inappropriate, not to join in by offering my own examples and raising the stakes from a glass of smoothie to bloodied underwear.

But we are all different of course. I find it distasteful and a massively inappropriate overshare, you might not. That's fine.

@ArabellaWeird as I've said, I do find it distasteful and highly unacceptable. Every person on the thread agrees with that.

It's just that those sticking the boot in and suggesting that the girls life is over seem to have very little constructive advice to offer in regard to actually moving forward. It's like they just want the op to feel totally hopeless about the situation.

@sourpuss23 I don't think I suggested that the girls' life is over either, but if you need to pin the whole thread's responses that you don't like on me, crack on, that's fine. I think that OP sounds like a wonderful caring stepmother with a very level head, and I don't think I've suggested otherwise? Enjoy the sunshine.

I responded to your comment about why it might be in his mind. You also quoted a poster saying he clearly wasn't a good person or father which I disagreed with because I don't think one error completely defines a persons entire character.
It's a discussion forum. I was discussing.
Hope that clears it up for you, enjoy the sunshine too :)

I hope your DSD is okay today?

Did she manage to get to school?

I agree.
The bar is just so low on MN when it comes to mens behavior, that even when he behaves in such a beyond vulgar way involving an innocent 12 year old, humiliating her to her core in front of her peers, somehow he needs sympathy.

The OP sounds kind but hugely disconnected to the sheer awfulness of what has occurred.

I have never heard of the like and I would be telling my child to avoid that house and man, that what he did is so dreadful that I wouldn't want her near him again.

He has utterly violated his daughter and her right to privacy in her home.
He has absolutely exposed her in her supposedly safe place, a child with an absent mother......as if she hasn't enough to deal with.

I would 100% look at my husband differently if he inflicted such a humiliation on my child.

But she is your step child and no matter now kind you are, there is a difference.

I do not think most father would do this in a million years. I hope she confides in a teacher whom can perhaps give her a safe space to vent in.

Wow - the hyperbole is off the scale.

I actually find it really offensive that you are using words normally linked to sexual abuse and rape to describe stupid and thoughtless comments.
Get a grip and have a lie down.

@Gtbb ahh the old 'low standards' remark to essentially try and shame anyone who isn't as hysterical as you into feeling like they are somehow morally inferior.

Agree with pp, your use of language is way out of line. He made a very silly error (for which nobody has given him sympathy by the way, everyone has said he's a twat). But the hyperbole and horrible little insinuations that this is something more than a stupid father putting his foot in his mouth is really unfair and actually quite creepy.

Op I really hope DSD got on ok today. I'm sure it will blow over very quickly.

Low standards is true.

The problem is though it’s a societal issue. How can the OP and her family actually address it? Never speak to the husband again? Demand the DSD is taken into care or that she gets full custody because the dad is incapable of caring for her? Throw him out and refuse to let him back in?

The truth is there is nothing anyone can do other than apologise and mean it (which he’s done) and be a lot more sensitive in future. It might be that it’s been a salutary lesson for him; shame it took embarrassing his DD to teach it!