DP humiliated DSD(12)

[butbyanyothername]

DSD is 12, lives here full time. Been with DP 5 years, our kids are both little so completely out of my depth with a near teenager.

She had 2 school friends round for a sleepover last night, no problems. One set of parents came to pick them both up this morning as they live close to eachother.
Lighthearted conversation about how much mess they’d made, plates and cups everywhere etc.
Another parent said how they’d found a glass of smoothie in their dd’s bedroom that had turned completely solid/moldy, fine everybody laughed.
DP then said how we’d found used period products/ dirty underwear in DSD’s’s room.
Obviously nobody laughed, awkward change of conversation and they left. Poor DSD’s face completely dropped, her friends both looked at and made a face to each other and didn’t acknowledge her as they left.

I’m absolutely furious at him, he does feel terrible and has apologised but DSD is completely beside herself, has she’s not ever going back to school now and won’t come out of her room to talk to anyone. Sunday plans we had are probably going to be cancelled.

Any advice on how to deal with/rectify this? What do we say to her?
Is it worth DP contacting the parents to apologise?

Nobody is downplaying anything. I think it's the subtle inferring that this is the start of abuse that is frustrating. Labelling it as a safeguarding issue. It's ridiculous for a stupid, one off comment and actually quite insulting to genuine victims of abuse to suggest it's on the same level.

My father did something similar . I was 40ish and living at their house after a marriage break up.I applied for a job on the SLT of an outstanding primary school. The head phoned my parent's house, after the interview, to offer me the job. My father( hugely qualified professional ) answered the landline and I heard him say " Oh yes, hello, I'll just get her, I think she's having a poo ". Jesus fucking Christ.

12 isn’t that young these days to have started periods, but I agree it’s young to be as sorted as you should be about them.

That is so massively disrespectful...Is your Dad ''all there'' or suffering early onset dementia?

NO one over the age of 4 would think that appropriate.

What gets into these men's heads?!

What an absolute tool . Your poor DSD

He would have been mid 60s then and Parkinsons was taking hold. He was also very probably on the spectrum. I cannot imagine why on earth he said it. He could have said any number of versions of " Hold on a moment I'll just go and get her" but no sadly he didnt.

We haven't had a girl born into our direct family for decades...It's boy after boy, sons and nephews so I'm probably out of touch- A quick google says 12 isn't that young now.

I thought almost 16 was bad enough!

My father in law this christmas decided to explain to me how he will not be using the word poo anymore as he said it was juvenile and that he would be only using the word faeces, and then proceeded to explain his bowel movements in detail. I really don't understand men sometimes at all.

@sourpuss23 IAM a victim of abuse. Nice to know only some of us can be classed as genuine though.

I agree with this.

Not to negate the mortification of your stepdaughter, but the reality is, most parents will have found their kid's dirty underwear - the embarrassment sits squarely with dad and his big mouth.

Reassure DSD that every woman will have bled through her knickers at some point - hell, I'm in my 40s and it still happens most months - and ensure that dad keeps his trap shut next time.

He obviously wasn't trying to embarrass his daughter, which would be a different story altogether.

The most obscure term I heard a man {Teenager} use was ''off to pinch a loaf''.

I thought he meant steal from a bakery..but no.

I'd not heard that expression before, but seems it's American.

This is the sort of thing my dad would do - he would then claim it was "just a joke, why are you so sensitive, you are always jumping down my throat" completely oblivious that if I did the same to him, he would go absolutely ballistic.

Yes, it's the double standards of men like this! Completely unreasonable.

My god

this reminded me when i was 12, during an argument, my dad said something like “youve got massive tits growing in already, stop acting like a baby”

i felt so horrified and uncomfortable. For my father to comment on my breasts….my body….at that age too

The worst thing was my mom, instead of saying its innapropriate for a father to say this to his daughter, laughed and agreed

and there was no one around, i cant imagine your poor dd!!! This is terrible

I wanted the earth to swallow me. Couldn't really say to them " Oh hello Mr X ( head of the school with a job I really wanted) thank you for calling and BTW I wasn't pooing" . It was 20 years ago . Its now right back in my brain 🙄

Nobody is downplaying anything. I think it's the subtle inferring that this is the start of abuse that is frustrating. Labelling it as a safeguarding issue.

Nobody has suggested it’s the start of abuse. But it could be the start of something like resentment at her getting older and more independent. Annoyance about them being silly at the sleepover perhaps.

I said earlier this man has had several relationships, watched several babies being born and understands the social rules about periods and privacy. If he genuinely thought dirty underwear was the same as a funky cup this sort of thing would have come up before.

It hasn’t. It’s come up now, in front of her new friends. It wasn’t a joke. Nobody present thought it was funny and not one person on this thread thinks it’s funny either.

It was a dig. A put down.

Id tell dsd to front it out. Perhaps she could send a text to friends saying

'omg my dad is so embarrassing, he makes up jokes and they are so not funny, totally mortified'

See what reply she gets

That is an awful lot of assumptions about a stranger on the internet. You are talking about him as if you know him and his motives personally. It's really bizarre.

From her posts, the op sounds sensible and level headed. She said it's a one off and he's mortified. If she notices similar things happening again or certain patterns of behaviour forming around friends or situations I'm sure she'd address it.

As a "victim" (I prefer the term "survivor") of SA, you comparing this man's (yes, highly inappropriate) comment to the "insidious" behaviour of abusers is grossly offensive.

Telling the kid to message reassurances is a sure fire way of adding petrol to the flames and ensuring she tells everyone. It gives even more importance to what he said

@WarmWhite I completely agree with you. There's something really not right about a grown man bringing up his daughter's blood soiled underwear in front of her fellow 12 year old friends. It's a pushing of boundaries, whether some posters agree or not. It's super inappropriate, why on earth was that at the fore of his mind?

I'm nearly 40, and if my dad brought up my period stained underwear even just in front of me and my mother I would be mortified, let alone if he had done it when I was 12. I can still remember comments he made about my first bra. These things never leave you.

@JayJayEl as I have already replied to another arbiter of who is deemed worthy of being allowed to speak on abuse or what word they use, I am a victim of abuse. You have no idea of what an incident almost exactly as OP outlined lead to for me. THAT is grossly offensive.

They can be! It wasn’t just the girls though, the boys were probably worse. It all seems so silly now considering there are period products in the bathroom at work and even for free at a recent football game. It’s not a big deal at all. At the time I lost sleep, lost weight, I was so unwell. It stopped me developing proper friendships, stopped me having teen relationships. It was just awful. Obviously it was how I was treated that caused all of this, not the fact someone found out I used a menstrual cup.

Being an adult is so much easier than a teenager girl for me.

Clap clap clap!
How anyone could suggest that a possible fix to her behaviour is to "shame" her is vile.

Just to make it clear DP has not said oh it was just a joke, DSD needs to get over it or that he didn’t do anything wrong.
He feels terrible, he has apologised and admitted he didn’t think or understand the consequences, has said that he let her down, that she had every right to be mad with him and that he will make it to her and learn from this so nothing like it ever happens again.

He has offered to contact friends parents and apologise but she doesn’t want this.
He can’t go back and unsay it, all he can do is support her and learn from this.