DP humiliated DSD(12)

[butbyanyothername]

DSD is 12, lives here full time. Been with DP 5 years, our kids are both little so completely out of my depth with a near teenager.

She had 2 school friends round for a sleepover last night, no problems. One set of parents came to pick them both up this morning as they live close to eachother.
Lighthearted conversation about how much mess they’d made, plates and cups everywhere etc.
Another parent said how they’d found a glass of smoothie in their dd’s bedroom that had turned completely solid/moldy, fine everybody laughed.
DP then said how we’d found used period products/ dirty underwear in DSD’s’s room.
Obviously nobody laughed, awkward change of conversation and they left. Poor DSD’s face completely dropped, her friends both looked at and made a face to each other and didn’t acknowledge her as they left.

I’m absolutely furious at him, he does feel terrible and has apologised but DSD is completely beside herself, has she’s not ever going back to school now and won’t come out of her room to talk to anyone. Sunday plans we had are probably going to be cancelled.

Any advice on how to deal with/rectify this? What do we say to her?
Is it worth DP contacting the parents to apologise?

Wow @butbyanyothername You're getting a bloody rough deal here, but you're riding it out incredibly well. A sincere 'well done' to you for remaining calm and polite!

I think you are approaching this in an excellent way, as is your husband. He said something stupid. We've all done it! Not necessarily with such ramifications, but he's just human, and he made a human error.

Hope tomorrow goes smoothly for your DSD tomorrow. X

Because people are morons.

I expect this is part of the problem.

They are newish friends and the two of them have been friends for a lot longer. I agree groups of 3 girls isn't great at that age, there was supposed to be another girl here who was poorly.
If it had been said in front of one of her friends from primary then I don't think she would be so upset as worried.

You sound like a lovely stepmum and I'm sure she'll be ok eventually. This is a pretty big deal though tbh and I feel so sorry for the poor kid.

Have to say that my first reaction, if I was one of the other girls mum, would be "yea, you're not going there again unless the Dad is out". It really is weird that a dad is joking about this so a pp said don't be surprised if they aren't allowed round again.

OP, ignore these hysterical women.

Hysterical women = women recounting how a scenario the OP described was the beginning of insidious behaviour designed to shame and control children under the guise of ‘It was a joke/I just didn’t think/get over it’.

Or women rightly seeing that there is something very off about a man using info on san pro and underwear belonging to a child to score ‘banter’ points with other adults. Anyone that unthinking has bigger issues than hysterical women on the internet judging him.

And you are a teacher @EnidSpyton ? I hope you are not a safeguarding lead.

Girls can be so horribly mean and spiteful.
Navigating teen years is really hard.

I read your original post this morning @butbyanyothername and have just popped back on in the hopes it had settled but it sounds like DSD is still upset bless her. I expect she will just need to get through school tomorrow and see if the friends make an issue of it or not before you can really deal with it properly. I'd arm her with a few comebacks, maybe even calling her dad a liar to these girls and total denial of the truth? Whatever happens it's clear she is loved and supported and that her Dad wasn't intentionally being cruel, just unthinking and he's clearly devastated so ignore any pile on from PP demanding he's tarred and feathered or arrested for child cruelty!

I agree with your mindset that worse things will happen throughout her life which in no way minimises how she feels now, she needs more life experience before she can reach that conclusion.

Give her a big hug from me and reassure her that whatever happens tomorrow it'll be dealt with and she will move past it, the unknown is almost always worse than what actually happens x

It's really not that deep though. He made a badly judged comment.

If it became a pattern then I could see where you're coming from but this sounds like an isolated event.

Some of the responses suggesting the DSD will never recover are way over the top and yes, hysterical.

People need to stop projecting. The op is mortified for the child, furious at her partner and trying to help however she can. A bunch of strangers on the internet basically inferring that her dp is abusive is unhelpful and ridiculous. It would be different if he did this shit every week but it sounds like a mistake.

@butbyanyothername has made it very clear that her DP is ashamed and mortified by his behaviour. There is nothing in any of her replies to suggest that her husband was being "insidious", nor that he has tried to explain away his comment by saying it was "....a joke/I just didn’t think/get over it’."

Periods are no longer the taboo subject they once were, and many women and girls are happy to talk about their period as just another part of life. This makes me believe that, as a PP has said, he possibly did think that the content of his comment was on a par with the other parents' mouldy cup comment. It obviously (to most people, women especially) isn't on a par, but I understand why the mistake could have been made.

@butbyanyothername has then gone on to clarify that, in hindsight, her partner now understands how wrong his comment was. And that he has tried to rectify this. He obviously has no control over how this is going to unfold in school, but it sounds like he is doing what he can to make it all better.

@Over40Overdating Oh for goodness’ sake.

This is nothing but a dad making a stupid, thoughtless off the cuff comment that he realised was totally inappropriate the minute it came out of his mouth.

He knows what he said was totally inappropriate, he’s apologised profusely, and is mortified and ashamed.

This is not a pattern of ‘insidious’ behaviour.

This is not a safeguarding concern. Jesus Christ. Honestly I’ve never read such a lot of hyperbole on this thread.

The OP has handled the situation impeccably and I can guarantee that by this time tomorrow it will all have blown over.

Poor thing, she will be mortified. He’s a total muppet - honestly what possessed him!
I think only time will help this. I really feel for her and hope the friends don’t gossip at school.

@JayJayEl it’s not the period chat that’s concerning. It’s the fact he thought nothing of openly discussing his 12 year old child’s underwear with stranger to impress them with his joke at the expense of her dignity. Even it was ‘innocent’ it is massively out of bounds of what is normal banter.

If you picked your 12 year old daughter up from the house of a new friend and your first impression was their dad talking about his child’s knickers would you honestly think that’s a man you want to leave you child with?

@EnidSpyton no where did I say it was a pattern for OP’s husband. I did say it was the beginning of a pattern for some women on here who shared their own experiences about what a one off ‘innocent’ thoughtless remark turned into, whom you dismissed as hysterical.

I’m sorry that you find victims of abuse so frustratingly counter to your sturdy and sure common sense. I’m sure there are many who would be more grateful for your dismissal.

This is not a safeguarding concern. Jesus Christ. Honestly I’ve never read such a lot of hyperbole on this thread.

Then you know nothing about safeguarding. An adult man talking about his daughters dirty underwear to 12 year old girls isn’t normal. Would you let your daughter sleep there? I wouldn't, and several posters have said the same. I don’t want a school dad, or any man, talking to my daughter about dirty underwear.

Jokes about mouldy cups are usually met with similar jokes. And because she’s 12 they’ll be endless possibilities. It’s in no way normal to talk about her underwear.

I was thinking the same thing. Would feel uncomfortable allowing my daughter to spend the night there again as this seems to be a man with a poor understanding of boundaries.

Agree completely.

I agree with this, what if a girl staying over had some kind of embarrassing thing happen? Id be worried hed be telling the next set of parents about it. I wouldn't let my daughter sleep over again

Maybe attitudes to periods have changed since I was 12 but there's no way I'd be comfortable about the ability of the dad to understand boundaries

I categorically would not allow my child to have a sleepover again at a home where the father thought it was okay to joke about dirty and soiled underwear of their children and to humiliate a 12 year old about her period. A parent should never disrespect the dignity of their child in that way.

It shows at best a lack of judgement. That is the kindest spin I can put on it. But those parents don't know its just a lack of judgement. If that is indeed what it was. All those parents know is that this adult male was creepily inappropriate. And they will not know if it was a one-off or an insight into that adult male's deeper nature.

If you had read the OP posts you would know that they have further discussed disposal of the items. There's nothing to say they had a closed bin in the bathroom. Not everyone does, besides even if they did, she might have been embarrassed at carrying it through or just not got around to it yet, she's 12 for crying out loud, very few of them are perfect

I'm 60. When I started secondary school in 1976 we had to leave our bags in the cloakroom after we'd eaten lunch and gone outside( no lockers just hooks). My 'friends' went through my bag and found 2 sanitary pads. They were unused and in there in case my period started unexpectedly. I dare say they had exactly the same in their bags,but they took mine out and ran around school with them telling everyone whose bag they found them in. I can still remember how mortified I was. My periods had only just started and I was hugely shy and socially awkward and it was utterly awful.These were unused items. If they were telling people about used items they'd found I would have died on the spot. Your DSD has my absolute understanding and sympathy. Your husband is an idiot.

I 'get' what you are saying, FourSeasons.

Whilst I realise that menstruation is not longer a taboo subject, and am glad of it, a father just does not talk about his daughter's period-soiled underclothes and used sanitary ware, certainly not in front of her friends. Come to that, neither should a mother, that would be embarrassing and tactless - but it is creepy for a dad to do it.

If it is a problem, they talk to the daughter, tell her how to dispose of things properly and to wash her underclothes. She is very young, needs guidance.

However it doesn't appear to have actually been a problem, he just blurted it out in front of others. How weird and inappropriate is that? No wonder she is mortified.

I doubt very much her friends will say anything to their parents about it. Hopefully it will soon be forgotten or at least not in the forefront of their minds.

How thoughtless of him i wouldn’t even refer to him as DH! She’s at a sensitive age and unfortunately girls of that age can be mean. I’d invite the 2 friends over and do something nice like a cinema trip and pizza afterwards!

Exactly, 12 is very young to be having a period, and all they entail.
Poor girl.
Boys are so much luckier in this regard.

She needs to go in tomorrow and pretend like it never happened. DO NOT contact the parents as it will make this into a bigger drama than it is. The girls didn’t see the dirty underwear/products themselves so have no proof what he said actually happened.

IF and only IF anything is said about it to her, DSD needs to be totally blasé and say something like “Yeah my Dad always exaggerates everything- I think he saw some blood spots in my laundry once before they’d been washed, and he gets annoyed if I occasionally forget to put the empty tampon/pad packets in the bin. Idiot 🙄”. Totally downplay the situation and act nonchalant and it gives the girls less power.

Yeah your DH badly messed up, but ultimately hopefully everyone will learn from it and it won’t happen again.

I think it a bit strong saying horrible things about the dad.
It was a totally thoughtless and stupid thing to say. I imagine he found himself in a group of women and girls and said something he thought was ok to say in girls circles and just totally fucked up. Maybe Dad needs some education on bringing up teen girls.
I also think the daughter needs some support for her periods if she is struggling with keeping her room clean of period items. Maybe a separate bin for her underwear and one for her period pads. Dad also needs to step up now and make it up to his daughter and work on damage limitation.