DP humiliated DSD(12)

[butbyanyothername]

DSD is 12, lives here full time. Been with DP 5 years, our kids are both little so completely out of my depth with a near teenager.

She had 2 school friends round for a sleepover last night, no problems. One set of parents came to pick them both up this morning as they live close to eachother.
Lighthearted conversation about how much mess they’d made, plates and cups everywhere etc.
Another parent said how they’d found a glass of smoothie in their dd’s bedroom that had turned completely solid/moldy, fine everybody laughed.
DP then said how we’d found used period products/ dirty underwear in DSD’s’s room.
Obviously nobody laughed, awkward change of conversation and they left. Poor DSD’s face completely dropped, her friends both looked at and made a face to each other and didn’t acknowledge her as they left.

I’m absolutely furious at him, he does feel terrible and has apologised but DSD is completely beside herself, has she’s not ever going back to school now and won’t come out of her room to talk to anyone. Sunday plans we had are probably going to be cancelled.

Any advice on how to deal with/rectify this? What do we say to her?
Is it worth DP contacting the parents to apologise?

@CantWaitForSummerHeat you sound deranged. What would you have him do? Issue a public apology in the local paper?

The op clearly isn't minimising anything! She is furious with him but she's also sensible enough to know that one comment is not the be all and end all. He fucked up badly but you definitely seem to be projecting.

If this was a regular occurrence the op should address it. A one off, stupid comment should not result in life changing decisions from anyone.

She is @saveforthat

General tidying up and daily bed making are her responsibility.
But her floor is hoovered, bedding is changed and laundry is done when we do ours and younger siblings.
I didn’t think that was that unusual or at least isn’t a problem for us.

If she was unhappy with us doing it for her and wanted to do it all herself then she would be more than welcome to!
But I think the leaving of used period products around maybe suggests she’s not quite ready for extra responsibility.

It's done now and while embarrassing, it's hardly the worst thing in the world (either the saying or the leaving). Of course he shouldn't have done it but they are probably laughing at her idiot dad rather than at her. I'd frame it this way.

No one ends a friendship because someone forgot to throw away a sanitary towel. I also bet everyone has left one somewhere they didn't intend to at some point.

I think I'd concentrate on emphasising that if these girls are really her friends, they won't laugh at her. And if they do, better that she finds out now they are not the type of people to have in your life.

Share with her the stories of people who have had to go to the doctor to have a tampon they forgot about removed weeks later. It happens and is on a different level to this. And part of growing up is that we have to try and brazen out our embarrassment at times because things just have to be done.

Is there not something ridiculous her dad has done that you can share with her?

I'm so sorry about what has happened.
You sound lovely.
I would make going to school absolutely non-negotiable, but do whatever you can to support her. Give her some stock replies to use etc.

No - you’ve now said “things” in the plural, twice. So you parents had a habit of doing this. Not the case here so yes you are projecting - and you still haven’t suggested how the OP’s DH is meant to fix this to your satisfaction.

OP, ignore these hysterical women.

I'm a teacher. This kind of shit happens all the time at this age and it really will blow over really quickly. She feels like it's the end of the world and is worrying that everyone's talking about her, but they won't be. It was a stupid comment that your husband blurted out without thinking - and he's not a woman, so he doesn't understand how embarrassing it is for a girl to have her period discussed in front of her friends - and I really don't think her friends will be as bothered by it as she is. Teenage girls move on very quickly these days from one drama to another and at least once a week I have sobbing girls in my classroom due to something being said about them, fearing their lives are over, when the reality is that by the next day it's all been forgotten about. I love it when I check in with them the next day and they just look at me as if I'm mad - 'oh that? Oh yeah don't worry miss, it's all fine now.' She is not going to be scarred for life or lose her friends over this, for goodness' sake - I've never heard such a load of absolute nonsense from people as I've seen on this thread!

If I were you, I'd actually drop a quick email to her form tutor tonight, just to say that there has been a bit of an incident this weekend with her friends and she's a bit worried about coming in tomorrow, and can the form tutor keep an eye and let you know if anything is amiss. You can keep it vague and ask them not to say anything to your stepdaughter, but I think given she is so upset and worried, it would be a good idea to have her teachers looking out for her and making sure that everything is ok with the friendship group tomorrow.

Today's news is tomorrow's chip paper.

It doesn't matter that worst things might happen. It doesn't take away from this now.

Also, tell us you've no experience of teenage girls without telling us..

They have little kids together but he is the dad of her step-daughter

Ridiculous comment.

This x

Not sure how people forced the OP onto justifying what housework DH does for his daughter. Weird de-rail.

Really feeling for you DSD @butbyanyothername Has her primary school friend been briefed that she’ll need support tomorrow? Good luck tiptop herand you weathering this storm.

I have hundreds of incredibly awkward and embarrassing stories that at the time felt like the end of the world but can now tell her about and laugh

I don’t know why you’re talking about embarrassing stories at all because she didn’t embarrass herself. Her dad humiliated her. If you’re looking to empathise with her you will need to tell her about times when someone humiliated you. And I doubt you’ll be laughing as you tell those stories.

I agree it hasn’t ruined her life. But it might well cause short term bullying and it will have raised red flags about your husband that might effect friendships going forward.

OP is minimising her DSD’s feelings

Where have I done that @CantWaitForSummerHeat ?

I am completely devastated for her and definitely understand how humiliated she's feeling right now, I have said here I wish I could take her place and sort it for her.

I have comforted her and encouraged her to talk about her feelings and acknowledged them but as I'm a grown woman with plenty of life experience and my fair share of embarrassing stories i can see that it's not the end of the world and it isn't going to ruin her whole life. I have told her this, do you suggest that I tell her her life is over? That everyone will laugh at her and she'll never have any friends again?

Easier said. Said than done but she needs to front it out tomorrow. Say to her friends god dads so embarrassing what a dick (other more appropriate language maybe) and not be embarrassed (or at least pretend), if she can brazen it out, they won’t do anything.

That's really reassuring @EnidSpyton Thankyou.

She doesn't want us to contact anyone, on the condition that she does go in (which I'm not certain on at the moment) we won't but will be keeping a close eye.

What your husband said was stupid but I don’t think there was any ill intent. I had similar happen to me at school, someone found my menstrual cup and I was relentlessly bullies and everyone claimed I was using it for a thrill etc. It followed me around for over 5 years and the nickname never left. I actually attempted suicide over it so I would just keep an eye that she isn’t bullied. It all seems so daft now but at the time it was the end of the world.

Fingers crossed it will blow over and they won’t mention it.

I would speak to the parents of the girls. Explain that she is mortified and see if her friends can call her. She won't want to go into school not knowing her friends are not going to support her. What a mess :(((

I agree. Her friends did not make faces at each other because they thought she was a "skank". I am guessing they made faces and didn't know what to say to her because they thought she has a weird dad who actually humiliated every woman in that room by coming out with that.

Yes @LongDarkTeatime

I have spoken to primary friend mum and without details explained DP but his foot in it and embarrassed her and that she's nervous to go in tomorrow incase everyone's gossiping about her.
Have got DSD to sort after-school plans with this friend too.

Your love and support isn't going to protect her from ridicule and bullying at school

I'm quite surprised you dont see what a huge problem this could be for her

God reading this was like a punch in the gut, the poor girl! And at only 12! Her friends for sure think your DP is an absolute and inappropriate weirdo.

Someone posted earlier about how inappropriate it was for him to mention his daughters underwear and period to other people and how they wouldn't let their child stay the night after that, and to be honest, neither would I. Thinking back to when I was a tween, I myself would have been really uncomfortable going back as well. Imagine your friends dad talking about the period stains in her underwear. Fucking eugh.

Other pp are right, she's never going to forget this. I really hope it doesn't get spread around at school, because this is the kind of thing that follows you. I can remember stories like this about people I was at school with and they happened 25 years ago.

If those are new friends, don't be one bit surprised if their parents do not want them near your house again.

I would be absolutely appalled at a father humiliating their child like that.
I certainly wouldn't want my 12 year old in your house again.

It would be a huge red flag to me.
OP, it is so shocking that any man would speak about their child in such terms, absolutely shocking.

I hope those girls are nice.
Why would it even occur to him to speak of such things?
Such a complete violation of her privacy and body autonomy.

The mind boggles.