DP humiliated DSD(12)

[butbyanyothername]

DSD is 12, lives here full time. Been with DP 5 years, our kids are both little so completely out of my depth with a near teenager.

She had 2 school friends round for a sleepover last night, no problems. One set of parents came to pick them both up this morning as they live close to eachother.
Lighthearted conversation about how much mess they’d made, plates and cups everywhere etc.
Another parent said how they’d found a glass of smoothie in their dd’s bedroom that had turned completely solid/moldy, fine everybody laughed.
DP then said how we’d found used period products/ dirty underwear in DSD’s’s room.
Obviously nobody laughed, awkward change of conversation and they left. Poor DSD’s face completely dropped, her friends both looked at and made a face to each other and didn’t acknowledge her as they left.

I’m absolutely furious at him, he does feel terrible and has apologised but DSD is completely beside herself, has she’s not ever going back to school now and won’t come out of her room to talk to anyone. Sunday plans we had are probably going to be cancelled.

Any advice on how to deal with/rectify this? What do we say to her?
Is it worth DP contacting the parents to apologise?

Yes I’m not disputing that but I still stand by people say things without thinking and I’m sure we all have whether it be big or small. Regardless her father knows his mistake and I’m sure is taking accountability 👍🏼

I don’t think that’s the issue.
We do go in her room, she’s 12 not 18. Its cleaned for her, bed is changed for her and her laundry is done and sorted for her, she knows and is happy with this, it’s not like he was rummaging under her bed or through her draws.
They also weren’t just in her room and were left in the upstairs bathroom which she shares with younger siblings.

This is yet another MN thread where I can see why we have so many children with no resilience or understanding that sometimes life is a bit crap. In fact given the complete histrionics on here it’s actually amazing that so many of the teenagers I work with are grounded and normal.

yes what dad said was embarassing and thoughtless but he was just joining in a convo about messy teenagers and misjudged things.

This means that he on this occasion was a thoughtless idiot. With no other evidence to suggest it, it doesn’t mean he’s a bully, a pervert, a misogynist or should be kicked out of his house.

The girl is cringing, (totally understandable), she is not traumatised or suicidal.

If parents overact like this to every small set back in life it’s not surprising that so many kids are suffering from anxiety whenever anything is not perfect.

Dd's friend's mum was the type that would say to the dc that they mustn't tell other people about it and should carry on as normal and not embarrass her. As a result the dc were kind and thoughtful too. Let's hope the mums are like that

FluffyDashhound · Today 15:32

He should not even be in her room to find this so why was he in her room. It is weird. No need to go in my dd would hate him forever she Will remember this she really will.

He's her dad, not her step-dad, so it's not weird for him to go into her room, she's a child of twelve. OP says they both go in to tidy up etc.

You need to encourage her to laugh it off tomorrow, to bring it up herself before they do. If she goes in all embarassed, or doesn't go in at all it makes it worse.

Ask her to turn it round, imagine one of her friends dad's had said this about her friend. How would she think the friend should act at school/ what should she say? It's always good to get people to see things from the other side.

This.
Yes it was a very inappropriate comment but we've all put our foot in our mouths at times. It sounds like it all got a bit oneupmanship-y (my dd did this, oh yeah well MY dd did this) and he got carried away.
Clearly unacceptable and I don't blame the poor girl for being mortified but I don't think this makes him a terrible person or father.
MN is hysterical at times. We can't breed that sort of attitude into our dc.
He has apologised and I'm sure he's learnt his lesson. My advice from this point would be to play it down. Don't keep her off school, if her friends say anything tell her to laugh and roll her eyes and make nothing of it. Kids need to be resilient. We all make mistakes.

I agree with everything you've said about the personality of someone who would spread something around, however I would not recommend saying that her dad was lying (there are after all adult witnesses, so I can see a situation in which one of these girls might say to their parent "Mum, you were there when he said it weren't you?" and then that's just another thing to deal with That's different from telling a white lie like "Yeah, my dad went into my room and there was a tampon wrapped in tiue in the bin and blood has soaked through and he got all grossed out".

I'd concentrate on the fact that real friends don't gossip about others.

Yes, this is what we are trying to tell her. If she doesn't go in the chance of gossiping is much more likely, she needs to go in with her head held high and very possibly nothing will even happen.
It's scary though and I wish I could go in and do it for her.

You’re the one being weird here.

She’s 12, there is nothing amiss with her dad being in her room, no doubt tidying it.

That sounds like she just forgot to put them in the bin when she left the bathroom. It happens - please tell even adults can be this absent minded and that if her friends haven't yet done the same, they will do.

Indeed, happens to the best of us. I've even put used pads through the wash by mistake 🥲

If the friends are nasty about it then I'd hope their parents will warn them that they too will do something similar

She needs to go in with her story so to speak. It's not a big deal, she just forgot to tidy up and got distracted. She could say she was so busy doing her skincare routine from tiktok or whatever the thing is which will save her face a little.
She lives with her dad so he is more involved in periods and things where her friends just speak to their Mums so to him dirty pants on the floor is just what men get ribbed for so she could go with that angle? You guys have your mums for this stuff and my dad's really awesome but still figuring out what to do. Sje can say he was gutted and has bought me x/we're doing y so they can hopefully trust him again. If you speak to the parents I would go with that angle and say how gutted he was and wanted to make it up to her.
Send her in tomorrow with a big treat to look forward to at the end of the day and reward for getting through.
I doubt the girls will say anything but may be gossiping behind her back. At the end of the day it says more about them. He's a dad trying to be the mum as well and made a mistake if they say anything then they're just unkind. She could have that up her sleeve as well

Oh god those girls are going to tell others and it'll go round the whole school won't it. Poor lass ill keep my fingers crossed that they won't, but my trust in teenage girls is non existent due to my own school experiences.

This is so bad. It made my stomach drop and remember being a teen. I’d go in and have a heart to heart and let her know that her friends likely also leave dirty pants around. Let her know you are going to put a little bin in the bathroom and you will discreetly empty it (if that was true what her Dad said). But honestly who the hell didnt accidentally leave a pad attached to underwear as a young teen getting to grips with periods.
Id be worried she is going to be bullied for this and I get why you’re so upset. Don’t let DP off the hook for this! He went out of his way to shame her in front of her peers! What the fuck?

Unfortunately I do think some adults love to humiliate children for a cheap laugh. They just don't think about how the child / teen will feel.

But he really has to take this as seriously as possible or his daughter will cut him out in latet life if he continues to behave like this.

And also say this to your husband. Because guaranteed the other two mums also think he is a right dick.

Of course you want to help
or even do it for her, but I suggest erring on the side of doing too little. You could easily say something to her friends or their mums that makes her squirm even more. Take her distress seriously and tell her you agree it’s a hideous feeling but it will fade with time.
You might remind her that King Charles was recorded telling his girlfriend that he wanted to be a pair of knickers or a tampon inside her!!! It was all over the international news, millions of people knew about it, but he lived it down and nobody thinks of it much nowadays.

Jeez oh. The poor girl wasn't leaving them there because she is dirty

She is clearly already feeling self-conscious about her body and periods and having to dispose of her sanitary protection. I can tell from your post that you grew up in a home where people talked to you about periods and your body and you aren't severely shy and you also had easy access to a bin to dispose of them.

This poor girl. She genuinely might never recover. I hope her friends' parents can explain to them what has happened and that the girls are kind.

You're really not that familiar with teenage girls are you?

This is a good way to explain it to step daughter. There was also another comment about messaging friends saying dad found something in a bin in her room and his 'head fell off'. I can't find it now but I really liked the wording.
Has any message been sent ? I think something should be in prep for tomorrow. A version of the 'truth' that will be stuck to no matter what and any other chat just laughed off at school.

She's done nothing wrong. I don't think the friends should be criticised for leaving without a goodbye and smirking. They must have felt uncomfortable too and don't yet have the skills to deal with it. She goes to school and if anyone teases her she can say stop being so immature. Periods are normal life. Give her phrases to use and point out it is on them if they are mean and gossipy, it's not a reflection of her. She's done nothing wrong.

If used pads were anywhere but in the bin then that needs dealing with.

I know she won’t be able to ‘hear ‘ this at the moment whilst feeling so mortified but letting her know she has a Dad who doesn’t think having periods & not always immediately stowing the ‘evidence ‘ is utterly disgusting but merely ‘funny ‘is actually a good thing , taken in the round .
He clearly loves her dearly . He isn’t a creep & it’s important she realises this in case other people try to put that in her head & it damages their relationship.

.

I would tell her to go in tomorrow and say ‘Hi Emily, Hi Jess. Sleepover was fun, sorry about my Dad, he’s such a fucking knob sometimes, no idea why he said that. My Stepmum nearly killed him. Ha ha. How was the rest of your weekend?

And in the meantime, if I was your DH I’d do anything I could to make it up to her. New trainers, better phone, whatever it takes to win her over.

At 12 the other girls may not have started their periods and their parents may not be in that territory yet, it’s just not the done thing to chat about 12 year old girls used tampons / pads on the doorstep. So weird, but like you said that’s done now.

Mine was like this too, I was NC for 23 years before it eventually died.

OP your DH is a dick, what an excruciating horrible thing to say in front of his DD’s friends and their parents, he should be ashamed of himself. I’m struggling to understand what type of father would mention his daughters periods in front of her friends let alone their parents. No wonder his DD doesn’t want to go to school, she’s mortified, why would he openly embarrass his DD like this?

If he continues on like this she’ll walk away when she’s older, who wants a parent like this? He should be calling the parents to apologise for what he said and ask them to speak to their children. HE needs to take responsibility for what he said, this isn’t something his DD can sort out. What a vile creature he is.

Edited to add no parent who truly loves their children embarrasses them in this way.