Good age to be parents?

[ploshbug]

Just curious, what do you think is a good age to have children?
Parents who had children at a younger age - what do you enjoy/regret?
Parents who had children at an older age - same thing, what do you enjoy/regret?
How do you know you're ready to have children?
Also I think financial security is important, but parents, how important exactly is it?
Thanks!

For me, it would have been a disaster to have kids in my 20s. All relationships I had before meeting dh were a disaster for one reason or another, so I'm glad I didn't have children with any of them.

I was emotionally ready by my early 30s, and settled with dh. But because of the 2008 financial crash, we were not in a financial position to. So we waited. I retrained and we relocated, both of which gave us financial security. This meant I had my girls at 36 and 43. I'm not going to lie. I'm 47 with a 3 year old, and I'd love to have the energy I had in my early 30s. It is definitely more exhausting being an older parent. But I don't regret prioritising financial security.

I had my first at 24 and 2nd at 31. 2nd one took a while! So glad I started young! I don't think there's a perfect time, as long as you can provide for them.

I had my only child at 42. I knew I was lucky at that age to conceive naturally and to have an easy pregnancy. The main benefit was that I had spent time with the children of friends my own age, and that had given me the chance to think about how I wanted to parent. Around 30 seems to me to be the optimum age, so you still have some working life left once they have left home.

I had my first at 25 and second at 32. I think i was perhaps not that ready at 25 but at the time I thought I was!!! Ds is now 24 and i am surrounded with people my age with much younger children. At 49, ds18 is about to leave home as well and I feel dh and I now have time to enjoy each other again while we are still relatively young. I think you make it the best time whatever age.

I had mine early 30s and to be honest I would say have them younger. I am 42 now and I feel old. I am not looking forward to upping my hours at work when they go to senior school, and I'm in my 50s, probably hitting menopause...

Impossible question to answer because it relies on so many bespoke variables.

DH and I didn’t start a family until we were in our 40’s. We spent 2 decades before that developing careers and travelling the world.

When DS arrived we were very financially secure and both had 6 figure WFH jobs. This meant that we actually felt better off after having a child than we did before because we had no mortgage and our outgoings were less as we couldn’t travel as much as we previously did.

We are now able to spend huge amounts of time with DS and will be looking to retire while he is still young.

It all worked out well for us. Had we had DS in our 20’s or even 30’s I think we’d have felt we had missed out on a lot. We didn’t really know anyone who had a child before 35 so would have been quite isolated socially had we done so. Now we know a lot of people in their 40’s with a toddler.

Everyone’s experience is a standalone anecdote but I do think if you are likely to have the potential to have decent career and can earn 100k+ then it makes sense to sort that first and then have kids once that’s all in place. It makes the time your children are growing up far easier.

I had my first (and only) at 40. Sailed through pregnancy feeling great and had a natural labour with just a tens machine and a bit of gas & air, so 'pregnancy and birth being harder when you're older' isn't always the case.

It is all relative though. The 'ideal age' could be decided as 25 but at that point I was dating a series of fun Men entirely unsuited to being Fathers. It could be 32, when I was married to an abusive narc. Neither of those times would have been ideal for me / the baby at all.

I had mine in my early 30s. With hindsight I wouldn’t have changed it to be any earlier or later.
Some people say it’s not true but your freedoms are curved in many ways after kids, I don’t know why people would argue differently to be honest. I’m glad I got my pre kids time all through my 20s but I’m also glad I didn’t put it off to late 30s.
I definitely didn’t feel old when I had mine or at baby groups.

I had my first at 17. I still went to Uni and worked and we bought our first house at 21. Last child at 40 with some in between. I help with the GC now alongside the youngest and wouldn't have it any other way apart from perhaps rethinking the 30+ years of primary school gate interactions..

There are no guarantees in life and no right way to do things. When youre younger things are financially harder and you are still learning who you are. When youre older its physically harder and more risky. Most people only decide whats right in hindsight.

personally I didnt want or feel ready for kids until my late 20s. Luckily met someone i wanted to have kids with when I was 25, had our first at 32, then 3 years of unexplained secondary infertility before number 2 at 37. I would have loved to have one more but my personal cut off age is 40 and we wont be in place to try again in time, nor have the finances/mental/practical capacity for another. If we was 5 years younger then number 3 would have had a chance and I have to come to terms with that. If you want a big family and to space them so you can afford nursery, some financial comfort and get a bit of yourself back you should start earlier and prioritise it over travelling/career advances/self improvement/holding out for a better life partner. Or roll with it and see what happens. Only you cant decide whats right for you and adjust your mindset.

How do you tell if someone is/will be the right father?

We lived together for 20 years before having a child. I was fairly certain I’d chosen the right man by then!

I do agree regarding finding the right partner, but life can have a way of biting you in the bum! i obviously thought I had the right partner, before he left me for his receptionist. Genuinely you never know. It is really important that people keep their independence as much as possible. Being older when I had my child meant that my career was established and I was able to take 12 months mat leave and return Also meant i had more money for childcare etc. It also meant that when my exh made a twat move, I wasn't financially bereft and over a barrel. Don't want to be scare mongering but it happened to me, and you only have to read threads on here to see how easily it can be to get into a dependency. Like Suncreen said: Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Wha tI would be worrying about more than the right partner, because that is, to be honest, chance, and more around ensuring you dont have a dependent relationship that puts you at risk

It’s so up to you! I’ve been with my husband since I was 19 but we weren’t anywhere near ready for kids until we were early 30’s. We started to properly try mid 30’s and had to have fertility treatment to we were around early 40’s!
Slightly late to the game but many of my mum friends are similar ages.

A friend said wait til you prefer to stay in on a Saturday night! Maybe that’s true!!

@ploshbug On meeting and getting to know DH it quickly became apparent he was the right partner to have DC with, or as right as anyone could ever possibly bank on.

He put all the other blokes about whom I'd thought 'might make a good Dad / Husband' in the shade.

I guess I can't declare myself 100% right until one of us is on our deathbed as anything could happen, but so far so good.

You can’t, but certain characters and character traits make for better fathers than others. Kind, patient, flexible, team player, good with other peoples children. Gentle with you when youre ill/in need of help. Helpful. Likes being at home and joining in family life. Trustworthy. Not reckless, feckless, violent, intimidatory or a gambler. Not transactional. Not cruel. Not the kind that lets women pay for him and not reciprocate. Not jealous or the kind that would compete with the kids for your affection. Even then people can slip up and be shits when stressed and sleep deprived. Which leads to being able to admit fault, apologise, communicate needs and not hold a grudge. Able to learn from mistakes and laugh at themselves and with you.

If I could go back in time, I'd have dc between 28-32

I'd say in a perfect world 22-25 would be lovely. I was late 20s and that was perfect for stability and maturity. I wouldn't wanted to have been any older that's for sure. I have a good professional career and am a home owner and married, so you don't have to be in your '30s+' as is so fashionable now. I find personally, the older parents I know had gotten very used to a 'comfortable life ' without kids and struggled more to adapt. I suppose it depends what your priorities are - children and being a mum was a very high priority to me.

I encourage my children to get a good career but to remember life is all about balance. If having a family is something you want - a very demanding career may hamper that in some ways (including being older ) I've said to them it's not all about how Rich you are- there's a lot to be said for having enough money to be stable and secure but not so much that your time is never your own because your career is so demanding. People are very obsessed nowadays with 'career' for their kids as the only marker of success and then wonder why the don't have kids until they're 44!

I've had my first at 30, and I'd like a second when I'm 33.

Early 30s feels like a good age to me. You've had plenty of time to have some fun, you likely have a career, and you're typically more financially secure. I was adamantly child free until I was 27, then wham, hormones happened. I no longer cared about a 'career', all I wanted was to be a mum. I'm a B6 nurse and happy with my job, but it's certainly not my priority in life. I'm just happy to be comfortable.

I personally couldn't have coped with children in my early-mid 20's. I still didn't know what I wanted in life and was very immature tbh! I was more interested in travel and partying lol. Everyone is different though. All that matters is what works for your family. Some people thrive having kids young, others make better parents by waiting.

I feel about average in age at mum groups. I think it's very common now for women to wait until 30+.

I personally wouldn't want to start age 37+ as I don't have teen dependents in my 50's, but it's personal preference.

Honestly there is no perfect time for kids as babies are little chaos potatoes whenever you have them 😂

You don’t really! Choose someone who won’t be a total arsehole about it if you split up.

Kind, caring, financially stable ideally. Doesn’t lie, doesn’t chase other women, isn’t rude to their own parents. Can hold down a job and is dedicated to making other people’s lives better in some way.

Ask them

• If you went on maternity leave when would they expect you to go back to work? Full time/Part time?
• If you had a child together would they commit to directly paying their salary (and yours)into one joint bank account to cover bills/child needs and you both getting the same spending money out of that? Whether you are working or not.
• Would they be prepared to cook and clean the house entirely on their own for six weeks after you have had a baby?
• How would they feel if they came home after work and you appeared to have not done a thing. No cleaning, no food on the table, but one happy and bouncy fed baby?
• How would they feel about getting up in the night for a night feed and still going to work the next day?
• How would they go about making sure the childcare was fair and 50/50?
• How would they cope if you physically or mentally had challenges with the baby they had to look after you and the baby for a couple of months?
• When would they expect to have sex again after you have had the baby?
• If you split up what do they think would be a fair financial and childcare split?

All important conversations to have.

I had my three at 30, 33 & 36 and would have liked to start maybe three years earlier but prioritised living abroad/ travel and my career first.

with hindsight as I now run my own business which isn’t related to my career I could have started earlier as I met my DH at 17!

I don’t regret the travel, uni or living abroad though. I feel sad that I won’t get as much time with them as if I’d started earlier. I didn’t know how much I’d love them!

@ploshbug
"How do you tell if someone is/will be the right father?"

Another reason. IMO for having children later. By the time our DS was born, dp and I had been together for nearly 20 years. I had seen him in practically every situation life could throw at us. I had seen him with nephews and nieces and god children. I had seen him in good and bad times for him or me or both. I had seen him happy and sad and frustrated and angry. He could have done something that completely threw me-but I was as sure as I possibly could be that he wouldn't. And he knew who he was. And vice versa. Not everyone can do that, of course. But in an ideal world. Don't have children with someone you don't know.

I had my DC at age 31, 33 and 35, and that feels about right to me. Old enough to have been able to spend my 20s having fun, travelling and focusing on my career, young enough that I didn't have any fertility concerns and I still have plenty of energy left now to cope with three teenagers!

I had my first at 37 and my second at 40. DH was 57 and 60. Neither of us had children before.

Bonuses were we were older parents, financially secure and very much wanted children. We both could take a step back from our careers- in fact DH retired when i was pregnant with DS2 and was the SAHD for 10 years before i took early retirement due to Ds1 being very severely ill with a life limiting illness.

Drawbacks - we are more tired that younger parents. Dh is now well into his 70s and although healthy (healthier than I am) will most likely pass when the children are young adults. But that said there are no guarantees for anything. DH never thought he would be a parent and he is overwhelmed with joy that he is the father to two lovely teens. He is engaged, happy, involved and our home is filled with alot of laughter.

I used to 100% agree with this, but now in my mid-30s and single, I have softened on the idea of having a baby with Mr Not-Quite-Right i.e. a decent guy who isn't 'the one'.

That's if I go down the baby route (unbelievably I am still on the fence...).