DD3.5 spat in my face and I'm not sure I handled it right

[TruffleMonkey]

Tonight just before bed she started spitting and wouldn't stop despite me and her dad both telling her to. She spat on my fresh clothes laid out for work tomorrow and when I got down to her level to talk to her she spat straight in my face.

As it was bedtime the only consequence I could think of was to tell her that I wasn't going to put her to bed tonight and it broke her heart. I always do her bedtime routine with her. She started crying hysterically and apologising and I told her firmly that I wasn't going to have her spitting in people's faces and now I needed some away time until I calmed down and that she was safe going to bed with Daddy. Then I went downstairs and heard her howling for ages before finally going to sleep.

I feel so awful. Like I've just taught her that I will abandon her when she acts out. Could anyone make me feel better or suggest anything i could do differently next time?

She did something disgusting and needs to learn it won't go unpunished. No point carrying anything over til the next day as she'll have forgot all about it then. So imo you did the right thing. Of course she was upset, she isn't meant to enjoy being punished and as you said, she was perfectly safe with her father.

Hopefully she will remember that feeling and not do it again.

It was a consequence of her behaviour she needs to learn that is not acceptable at all! Talk to her calmly in the morning but don’t back down on the reason why.

I’m not surprised you reacted that way. I’m a gentle parent and I’m trying to work out what I would have done. I actually think if you felt like you couldn’t be calm with her then you did the right thing in walking away. Have a chat with her tomorrow, tell her that you love her very much but you were very shocked by her behaviour last night and you don’t want to ever see that again.

This

she was with her dad so safe

thi maybe dad needs to do some bedtimes if he doesn’t usually

I have a DD the same age,

You did the right thing, she was still with her daddy. Talk to her tommorow and have a hug.

I would’ve done exactly the same as u . Don’t be too hard on yourself

I definitely think you handled that well! No screaming, no shouting l, getting down to her level and just a firm removal of yourself from something she enjoys and she has realised the consequences to her actions.

As you stated she was safe with her dad, not left alone etc so I see no harm done.

I agree, wake tomorrow a fresh day and see if it happens again. Talk calmly, explain nicely why it’s not ok.

Well done Mama. Don’t feel awful! Parenting is hard.

You did really well OP

It’s hard but you managed it well OP!

Like I've just taught her that I will abandon her when she acts out.

She acted out in the most disgusting way possible and her consequence was you leaving her till you calmed, maybe she’ll learn not to act out if she doesn’t like the consequence

My DC are adults now and I would have reacted in the same way. As far as I'm aware none of them ever felt abandoned (if they did they'd enjoy letting me know)

You handled that really well imo OP, probably much better than I would have done in the situation.

You handled it beautifully OP. What a disgusting thing she did. I'd be having a seriously firm word with her about it tomorrow too.

Well done for your restraint and dealing with it so well.

I don't see what else you could have done.

Must have been very hard for your DH to deal with the fallout, presumably he didn't get consulted. You might need a plan for future issues around bedtime.

I think you handled that just fine. She didn't perhaps understand why it was a horrible thing to do - but she will now.
It's ok to say I need some space right now - it's not abandonment.

Like I've just taught her that I will abandon her when she acts out.

You left her safe with her dad.

You taught her that you can't treat people like that and expect them to immediately do what you want. You showed her that if someone treats you badly, you can walk away because you don't have to put up with it.

I try to gentle parent and use natural consequences.

Mommy is upset and needs to go calm down. Daddy is going to take care of you while I do that.

It’s a perfectly logical response to the situation. you weren’t punishing her, you were de-escalating the situation and taking the time you needed to calm down.

Sometimes our children are going to do things like this and they may not really understand the implications. This helps to teach her that other people have feelings and that certain behaviors can cause upset. It’s a much more effective lesson than a randomly selected punishment the next day.

I think you handled it well in the moment, in removing yourself. And of course you don't need to worry about her feeling abandoned - you didn't leave the house, you just didn't put her to bed.

But I don't think "being put to bed by dad instead of mum" should be used as a punishment, that's very unfair on dad and she'll associate negative feelings with him.

I think I would have got her ready for bed, put her in bed, all with minimum fuss, and left her there with no story, etc.

I think what you did made sense. Her behaviour was really bad and you needed time out of it. I'd have done similar, missed the bedtime routine - but then gone in and after and said that I loved her very much but spitting is not ok and not to do it again and had a hug. For me I couldn't have left her upset overnight without making up. You can do this tomorrow morning instead though.

I think you did well in very difficult circumstances.

Many people would have reacted in a much worse way - I think I would have struggled to stay calm.

You didn't abandon her. It's not like you left her at the side of the road or in the street - even if her dad was not there she would have been safe in your house, just away from you and your attention.

I would've done more than you (shouted) so I think you have nothing to worry about. That's a disgusting behaviour. Kids need to learn actions have consequences.

Perfectly reasonable response, because she cared about the consequence.

I think you found an effective “punishment”/ natural consequence in the moment i.e. spit on me and I will remove myself. Others would also remove themselves from being around her if she spat on them. Hopefully it will be effective and she won’t do it again. Short term pain for long term gain.

No honestly, that was a perfect way to handle it, and I consider myself a gentle parent - it’s a natural consequence that if you spit on someone deliberately they will not want to be around you. Removing yourself was exactly right.
Also she was safe with her dad who I’m sure is an entirely competent parent, completely capable of putting her to bed, which might be a good thing for her to get used to anyway as there may be occasions when you just can’t do it.

Id have really struggled to not throw my kid out the window if they did that, so i think you were very controlled and handled it brilliantly