DD3.5 spat in my face and I'm not sure I handled it right

[TruffleMonkey]

Tonight just before bed she started spitting and wouldn't stop despite me and her dad both telling her to. She spat on my fresh clothes laid out for work tomorrow and when I got down to her level to talk to her she spat straight in my face.

As it was bedtime the only consequence I could think of was to tell her that I wasn't going to put her to bed tonight and it broke her heart. I always do her bedtime routine with her. She started crying hysterically and apologising and I told her firmly that I wasn't going to have her spitting in people's faces and now I needed some away time until I calmed down and that she was safe going to bed with Daddy. Then I went downstairs and heard her howling for ages before finally going to sleep.

I feel so awful. Like I've just taught her that I will abandon her when she acts out. Could anyone make me feel better or suggest anything i could do differently next time?

I’m not not calm, so I’d appreciate not being patronised with that kind of language when I’m correcting your incorrect knowledge of English law. Please feel free to research the offences and acts I referred to where you will learn that it is illegal, rather than repeating a damaging rhetoric that it’s lawful to assault kids.

I think you handled it really well.

My daughter went through a long stage of spitting and found it difficult to control the impulse, to help her I set up rules on where it was acceptable to spit (the sink, toilet, or bath) and would redirect her to those areas if I caught her spitting.

No wonder schools struggle with increasingly poor behaviour if there’s all this handwringing over a parent removing herself from a situation, explaining why and allowing her child to understand there are consequences. A 3.5 year old knows spitting is horrible and did it repeatedly even when being told to.

Sorry, I think you could have done better. A 3.5 year old has no concept of spitting being right or wrong, they usually think it is a funny game. There is no need to punish a toddler for this and your reaction was OTT and emotionally devastating to her. It wouldn’t have killed you to simply wipe your face off and say we don’t spit, it’s not funny on repeat. She would have eventually understood it’s not a game and not fun when you have sad faces and stopped. Toddlers are just slow at reading the room.

That said, yes you could have reacted worse, you could have shouted or hit her.

But it’s not a moment to be proud of. That’s my two cents.

I am not a perfect parent, but I’m not going to pretend you were “exactly right” or handled it “beautifully” when you barely scraped a pass. I’m also not going to pretend that she did “the most disgusting thing ever” either especially when toddlers are known for obliviously eating their own snot. Disgust is learned and they are still learning.

’emotionally devastating’ …. Give me strength. A NT child knows that spitting in someone’s face and repeatedly on clean clothes is unacceptable. She’s not a baby.

What on earth has this got to do with the OP's question?! She (quite rightly) didn't even think to smack her child. So why are you trying to derail the thread with an irrelevant debate about smacking?

OP it sounds like you dealt with it calmly and removed yourself from the situation which is a perfectly fine consequence. Your child will be fine. Also a three year old spitting is not heinous behaviour, like it would be in an adult, just pushing boundaries.

@ttcat37

I told you to calm down because you're haranguing me for justification and valid reasons to smack a child when I've already said I don't condone smacking.

The Children Act states that any punishment that leaves a mark is assault and that otherwise, smacking can be considered as reasonable chastisement.

I don't agree but I also live in a country where smacking is illegal full stop and children have the same protection under law as adults.

I think you handled it well

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice

you don’t just wipe your face if someone spits at you. You wash it. With soap.

3.5 is practically toddler and no, not every “NT” child knows that spitting is bad. They learn as they go in an ad hoc manner, there is no standard curriculum that all toddlers learn prior to early years. Christ, a quarter of 5yr old “NT” children don’t even know how to wipe their own bums and are still in nappies.

Whatevs, it’s baby spit, it’s not like we mums don’t get covered in it from birth, you wait and wash up when the situation is calm.

I think you handled it well OP. She had her dad so wasn’t left. It’s totally unacceptable behaviour even at that age and you have set out a healthy boundary. I’d be surprised if she did it again.

I think you were right to remove yourself but wrong to make "daddy putting you to bed" into a punishment. I would apologise to him immediately and try to have both of you involved in bedtimes.

Well done OP. Truthful and restrained.

That's hideous.
Really disgusting of her.
I'd be fuming and she'd be feeling the consequences for a long time afterwards.

She's 3. She has no impulse control. She experienced the consequences.

What would you do to make her "feel the consequences for a long time"?!

Yup instant punishment she has learned it from someone else, and is trying it on. You are not going to hurt her by punishing her, you did the right thing. You should also make her apologise after she has had her tantrum.

If she does that as an older child or as an adult she is a great risk at getting clobbered so keep her safe and teach her now.

That doesn’t sound like good parenting to me. How old are your children?

I’ve managed to bring up two upstanding young men by myself so I think I can have confidence in my parenting and I think the OP handled it well.

🙄

I’m not haranguing you at all- if you’re going to say that the defence of ‘reasonable chastisement’ could legitimately be used in the offence of assault by an adult against a 3 year old then specify what that might be.
The Children Act is the Act which contains the ‘reasonable chastisement’ defence.
This is not the Act that Child Cruelty falls under. That is the Children and Young Persons Act, which clearly states that wilfully assaulting a child is an offence.
It’s great that you also live in a country where assaulting children is illegal.

You handled it well. It will register and no, she won’t be traumatised about this.

I know a couple whose kid is the same age as yours and constantly hits them and they do nothing about it. Much worse IMO.

I do think it shouldn’t be just you always doing the bed routine though.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice a quarter of 5 year olds? Where do you live? That feels like an insanely high number.

@ttcat37

I’m not haranguing you at all- if you’re going to say that the defence of ‘reasonable chastisement’ could legitimately be used in the offence of assault by an adult against a 3 year old then specify what that might be.

What? It could be many things. I don't know what line of reasoning you're on here with me, I don't agree with any physical punishment of children. I'm just stating that reasonable chastisement exists in English law as defence of physical punishment that doesn't mark a child, and a parent or carer would not be prosecuted. It's not my country's law.

Perhaps take up your debate with the poster on this thread who does believe in "reasonable chastisement" to physically punish her children.

You did just great. Same again if she repeats.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice

a 3.5 year old isn’t a baby