DD3.5 spat in my face and I'm not sure I handled it right

[TruffleMonkey]

Tonight just before bed she started spitting and wouldn't stop despite me and her dad both telling her to. She spat on my fresh clothes laid out for work tomorrow and when I got down to her level to talk to her she spat straight in my face.

As it was bedtime the only consequence I could think of was to tell her that I wasn't going to put her to bed tonight and it broke her heart. I always do her bedtime routine with her. She started crying hysterically and apologising and I told her firmly that I wasn't going to have her spitting in people's faces and now I needed some away time until I calmed down and that she was safe going to bed with Daddy. Then I went downstairs and heard her howling for ages before finally going to sleep.

I feel so awful. Like I've just taught her that I will abandon her when she acts out. Could anyone make me feel better or suggest anything i could do differently next time?

I've a 7yo that spits regularly during meltdowns but we are under CAMHS, awaiting assessment. Ongoing issues.

You did the right thing. Walking away is best to diffuse the situation. She was left with her Dad.

Unfortunately it isn't always easy to stay calm as no one enjoys being spat at. Not all children learn from it. DS has been spitting on and off since aged 4.

Hopefully your DD is just acting out and it's a one off though in your situation OP.

I don't think you will have done her any lasting harm, but personally I didn't use withdrawal of love as a punishment - and I do think this is how she will have experienced it. I would try not to give consequences that disrupt her routine or undermine her sense of security, which may actually have a detrimental effect on her behaviour. I also don't think my DH would have appreciated being used as a punishment.

I expect to be dogpiled for this, but I feel quite strongly that this wasn't right.

You haven't "abandoned" her. She did something revolting, you punished her appropriately. It's fine.

It wasn't withdrawal of love. She's plenty old enough to be taught that another person won't be treated in such a disgusting manner. Her father was with her and she should be spoken to about it again tomorrow.

No child of mine would ever spit in my face and expect to have me carry on all lovey dovey with them in that moment. Absolutely bloody not.

Stop beating yourself up OP. You did fine

Sorry but I do think that is quite harsh. Only because you do the bedtime routine every other night. I might do no story as a consequence, but will still give a kiss and an I love you.

I agree with the part about DH being used as a punishment. I'm the preferred parent and have to be careful not to say "If you do/don't do this that or the other it will have to be daddy to put you to bed/give you a bath/walk you to school" because whilst I know she'd prefer me I don't want her to think I'm agreeing with her that DH is the bad option. I think it's just being careful how to phrase things though, I would have maybe walked away and said I need some time on my own then let DH explain why its him rather than it coming from me.

I'll get roasted but....I'd have smacked her for this tbh. I never smack my kids but spitting is my limit and if they had already been warned and told very firmly it was a NO then i would smack in this instance. I was smacked 3 times as a child and every one for was for behaviour that was so far across the line I could no longer see the line, the smack worked as i knew I had gone too far and I never repeated the behaviour

So what would you have done @sprigatito?

seeme all of us would have walked away

You did exactly the right thing.

You did exactly the right thing, OP. Well done. I’m sure it won’t happen again.

At least you have the awareness to realise that what you’re saying is wrong. Assaulting a child is never the answer, it’s a criminal offence.

If spitting is far across the line, what the bloody hell is hitting?

I have the awareness to know it's socially unacceptable to answer this with my answer but also the awareness it's my honest answer. I'm not talking about leaving the child battered and bruised but yes I would smack their hand and be very clear that spitting is not ok.
I agree smacking for every tiny thing is wrong but I believe in rare circumstances it's the right answer, thankfully I've never had my children exhibit any of the rare circumstances but I would smack if they did

Like I said I expected a roasting and that's fine, I don't think a smack on the hand is the same as assault, hitting, beating, leaving a child needing medical treatment and there's certain things I just won't stand for. Please note I said i would absolutely give warnings first I wouldn't go straight to a smacked hand

But you wouldn't ever hit an adult to get a point across, so why would you hit a child? This never makes sense to me. Why do people who advocate violence to children think they are a lesser type of human? You wouldn't stand for being hit so why is it ok to hit them.

OP I think you were fine. The guilt is just one of those things that will get you regularly as a parent, but you've honestly evaluated your actions and that's what matters. Like a pp said it's ok to show them that some behaviours are not tolerated, I always reiterate that I won't be treated in 'x' way and nor should they be, if anyone ever did that to them they should walk away too.

What OP did was the right thing. It is really important that her daughter knows it is wrong and doesn’t go out into the world doing it to other people. For the sake of their children, it is the responsibility of parents to let them know that some behaviour is completely unacceptable. A bit of a shock is sometimes necessary.

I’ve been spat at by pupils that I teach. It is obviously very bad for the teacher but it is also a really bad scenario for the child and far worse than a parent being cross with them for one night. No one wants to be the kid that spat on their teacher.

@Deadbeatex

I am in agreement that there are things I will not stand for from my child. You still don't need to hit them.

Do you accept them hitting you? If not what logic is being applied here? If your child hit you what are you going to do in relation then? Spit in their face? Do you see why it doesn't logically make any sense? It's like the current thread that's running where some posters say if their child bit them they'd bite them back.

You're doing something to them that is in your own list of unacceptable behaviours, and you are responding to them as a child would.

You did amazingly OP. I wish I could say I would have done the same. I am embarrassed to say I probably would have given her a real telling off and then put her to bed anyway just for the ease of it so she goes down quickly and I can have some child free time. I know that's not the right thing to do though.

But everyone saying it's 'disgusting' behaviour - that terminology feels a bit harsh for a 3 year old.

Where does this hand wringing guilt come from nowadays? Your kid behaved badly and you responded appropriately. You don’t need to ‘talk about it in the morning’ or God forbid, apologise. Just move on. And next time she behaves badly you rinse and repeat.

How are these children going to learn how to live if parents are so full of angst and guilt about imposing any boundaries or sanctions? That is literally what parenting is otherwise they toddle off a cliff or drink bleach.

No wonder teachers are leaving the profession in droves if parents can’t cope with robustly dealing with a child wilfully spitting.

My children have hit me and I have removed them/me from the situation and then gone back, talked and given a consequence. I really don't want to derail the thread I just wanted to let the OP know that I would've reacted in a "worse" way as I'm well aware of the strong feelings around smacking and for the most part agree with them, smacking for every minor transgression is not ok and not the way to teach a child. Nor is it acceptable to leave a child needing medical attention/bruised/beaten.

I've reiterated and I'm happy to reiterate again, I, like the OP, would have firmly told my child that behaviour is disgusting and completely unacceptable, if they did it again they would get a warning that they would be getting a smacked hand and explain again spitting is disgusting and absolutely unacceptable, if they then spit again I would follow through on that warning and smack their hand.

100% of my parenting has so far not involved a smacked hand or even a warning of a smacked hand but spitting for me is one of the incredibly small number of things that I would pull this out and follow through on

Also I don't agree with biting a child if they bite you or for any other reason that's 100% wrong in my book

If an adult spat at me I 100% would give a warning that if they did it again I would hit them and i would follow through on that. Please also note I've changed my terminology to "hit", whereas I'd smack my child's hand i would fully hit an adult in the face

@Deadbeatex

if they then spit again I would follow through on that warning and smack their hand.

How hard would you be willing to smack their hand for the message to sink in? Because I reckon the OP's approach had far more impact on her daughter than the strength of smack you would be willing to hit your child with to have the same effect.

100% of my parenting has so far not involved a smacked hand or even a warning of a smacked hand but spitting for me is one of the incredibly small number of things that I would pull this out and follow through on

What else would you smack your child for? I am struggling to think of anything that warrants a smack.

I highly doubt you would actually hit your child with the force needed to send the message you want to send in that moment. If you would, well... that's a point of view I cannot understand.

@Deadbeatex

If an adult spat at me I 100% would give a warning that if they did it again I would hit them and i would follow through on that. Please also note I've changed my terminology to "hit", whereas I'd smack my child's hand i would fully hit an adult in the face

I would also belt an adult if they spat in my face and have no remorse whatsoever. But they are an adult. Not a little child.