DD3.5 spat in my face and I'm not sure I handled it right

[TruffleMonkey]

Tonight just before bed she started spitting and wouldn't stop despite me and her dad both telling her to. She spat on my fresh clothes laid out for work tomorrow and when I got down to her level to talk to her she spat straight in my face.

As it was bedtime the only consequence I could think of was to tell her that I wasn't going to put her to bed tonight and it broke her heart. I always do her bedtime routine with her. She started crying hysterically and apologising and I told her firmly that I wasn't going to have her spitting in people's faces and now I needed some away time until I calmed down and that she was safe going to bed with Daddy. Then I went downstairs and heard her howling for ages before finally going to sleep.

I feel so awful. Like I've just taught her that I will abandon her when she acts out. Could anyone make me feel better or suggest anything i could do differently next time?

I’m not sure why you’re continuing this argument- it was you that quoted me and said it wasn’t illegal, and I’ve provided the Act under which it is. Whether there is a defence that wouldn’t apply in these circumstances, for an offence under a different Act, is a moot point.

I’m in two minds here. I don’t think you did anything wrong and think you handled it fairly well. But what strikes me is that she could see that bedtime with daddy is a punishment whereas really you’d want her to see you both putting her to bed as something good?

This
You absolutely did the right thing
This is not an habit she afford to adopt
Her future self will thank you one day.

You didn't abandon her. You removed yourself from the situation and explained the reasons why and that's absolutely fine!
Like another poster said, she may remember this life lesson and anyway you can't be doing every bedtime!

@ttcat37

It’s not a loophole really- I don’t think a court would find any excuse reasonable for an adult to assault a 3 year old.

You said this in response to a poster saying she would give her child a slap on the hand if she spat in her face. You can disagree with smacking all you like, as do I, but it isn't realistic to say that under English law this wouldn't likely be classed as reasonable chastisement.

I said "it is not yet illegal in England as it is here in Scotland." This is true. You have reasonable chastisement written into the law. In Scotland children have the same legal protection as adults against assault.

I think you handled it well except for it feels like DH was used as a punishment and it shouldn't be a punishment for her own dad to take her to bed.

Other than that, I think you did great. She isn't a baby and was warned to stop.

I think you did fine. Most people would probably lose their rag so it seems pretty measured.

Personally i wouldn’t let my child go to bed crying, I was that child and now as an adult I can’t sleep if I have an unresolved argument and i actually have horrible memories of going to bed crying

with my dc I would tell them off for whatever it was, talk about it and why it was a bad idea and then give them a big cuddle and put them to bed and not mention it again

Can you read the Act I referred to which clearly states that it is illegal to assault children? Children are protected under English law.
And, again, you are wrong that a Court/ CPS would likely allow the defence to be used when between a 3 year old and an adult. I can explain to you what a defence is if it helps you to understand? There are defences for various offences in law, but they’re not absolute.
Perhaps it’s different to Scottish law? Perhaps if you don’t understand another country’s laws or the use of them, it would be irresponsible to insist so forcefully that you’re right?
You seem very disappointed that England also has laws to protect children!

You seem very disappointed that England also has laws to protect children!

This is some very weird projection. Perhaps it is you who is getting so het up about this because you are disappointed that a level of physical chastisement is permitted under English law.

You responded to @Deadbeatex that battered and bruised is not the threshold for her to be charged for a criminal offence. Under English law she would not be charged for a one-off smack on her child's hand. Christ almighty, even under Scottish law that wouldn't go far. I've reported and been called as a witness to a physical assault of a child that went to court in Scotland and I've seen how even with the law as it is now, these matters are more complicated and nuanced than you are portraying them.

The law is so new and cultural norms are so entrenched that it would be impossible to charge every parent who gave a swift smack on the wrist to a child who went to touch the hob, a skelp to the leg to a child that frightened the living daylights out of their parent by dashing into the road, or as the aforementioned poster was saying, a smack on the hand when spat at in their face.

Many in Scotland argue that Scottish law is too black and white for this reason. I think the reality of real life raising children proves that. The kindest and gentlest of parents may well instinctively react with a smack to the leg when surprised by a sudden painful bite from a toddler. These sorts of things happen. Life is messy and complicated. I was in A&E last week where a little boy was in with his distraught parents because the mother had slammed his hand in a car door accidentally. Children are often hurt far more by accident by their parents than would compare to a once-in-a-lifetime smack on the hand.

My kids are 23 and 25.

No one I know or heard of has ever spit on their parents.
Who does that?
That is just the pits.

No mine never did. They both sunk their teeth into me once though (at different times but around the same age, though I can’t remember what age, but young). They only did it the once, I was not a happy bunny.

Like I said, no story. If you normally read every single night, this is a big deal in itself.

Thank you for all the comments and suggestions.

I agree that using DH as a punishment wasn't ideal and I won't do that again. I was just really shocked and wasn't quite sure what to do or say, she is normally a really sweet little girl and I've no idea where she picked the spitting up. I know they wouldn't tolerate it at pre school, the only thing I can think is that she was squirting water with her mouth at DH at swimming on the weekend and he was laughing along and maybe she just thought it was the same as that?

Anyway we've spoken about how horrible it is and where it is acceptable to spit (e.g the sink when brushing her teeth) and she's not done it again. I'm hoping she will learn from it...

@TruffleMonkey you did great, there’s only so much they can register while being so little.