Grandparents and childcare .....

[mumnet87]

DH and I just booked a getaway a couple of hours away for us and DS6 and DS3 in the summer. 2 nights. When I told my friend she asked if it was just me and DH or if the children were coming too. We aren't in a position to ask grandparents for that kind of childcare absolutely not! DH unfortunately lost both parents however my DM is retired and in good health, only 64, regularly getting hair and nails done etc and out . never any plans however will only ever help with childcare once in a blue moon if something serious happens. Not saying grandparents owe childcare before people jump on my throat!!!! But made me think.. i couldn't imagine having that kind of village?

What do you think is reasonable as a parent or grandparent? What help do u get or give? Just curious????!!

Must be really hard OP. I know people on here say you're not 'entitled', but I honestly don't know how I'd have got through parenting without it. We moved away but all our parents are really hands on with childcare, we've been too far away for the daily kind of help, but we've always got help on hand for weekends etc. We tend to get a weekend to ourselves about once a month, we send ours to them summer holidays, to be honest we don't need the childcare now they're teens but they all choose to do it so they get to see each other which is lovely, even though we live away they have a good relationship.

I don't intend to help mine with regular weekly care, at the moment after all this parenting that feels a tall ask and we didn't have it ourselves, my aunt does this for my cousin and I think it's bred resentment tbh. But I completely hope and intend to help with sleep overs, school holidays etc as I think it's important parents get breaks and that grandparents have time to bond. We'll see I guess.

I'm sorry you don't have that, it must cause friction, I couldn't help but resent my family if I didn't get help.

We paid for childcare to cover work but got lots of baby sitting for nights out,cover if DC were sick, cover in the school holidays
I was part time 3 days a week
Very grateful to my parents and ILs

And we DH and I had 2 weekends away every year

I never expected anything but my parents almost beg to mind DS 6 months old. We've done 1 overnight recently and they would love more but he's so young I won't be making a habit of it. Maybe 2 evening dinners as well since he was born. They want to be part of formal childcare when mat leave ends but I won't have that as I know they deserve their retirement to do whatever they want. But the point is the desire to mind him is there. I'm so sorry you don't have this. I think it is a lovely thing to desire so much time with grandkids and hope my DS will have a lovely relationship with them. It's so reassuring to know I have them to fall back on if needed. I really feel for you not having the backup. Maybe I am the anomaly though, it's all I know? Do you have good friends in/siblings/DH siblings anyone like that you can rely on?

I think this is one of those topics where your parenting experience can be like a different country to those with similarly aged children. I have friends who have their own parents alive, healthy and above all keen to have the grandchildren and they are able to spend time together as a couple.

We don’t have that, no one’s fault; my parents had both died by the time I had my first child and DHs are lovely but there’s no way they would manage both our children.

But it does get easier as the children get older. In some ways anyway!

I think we’re quite fortunate. My parents looking after ours one day a week, one sleepover a week and whenever we go away for a random night (probably every 3months).

my parents still work but love having the kids and beg for them to come over. I think they’d keep them if they could 😂🥰

What’s getting her hair and nails done got to do with anything?

Similar to you, we would never get 2 nights away together! We only just had our first night away a few months ago…this was since becoming parents 7.5 years ago!

We’ve had nights out but I’d say maybe two per year then we go back home and take over from grandparents and still do the mornings with the kids.

One set live far away and aren’t really involved enough to know what to do.

The other set will help out occasionally in the day but wouldn’t offer over night.

TBH, it’s very tough going not getting that time together but equally we feel proud we’ve raised our two boys and managed to stick it out!

But..always a bit jealous of friends who have lots of help and get time to just chill as a couple on a regular basis!

Mine are not local enough to help with regular childcare but they will have them overnight to help if I ask eg school holidays or rarely if dh and I go away.

Looking after two young children overnight is hard work when you’re older and on your own. I’d just be grateful for any support she does offer. I can’t see the point in jealously of others; many lone parents would think you have it easy.

I've lost both my parents and DHs parents are local but getting on so we don't get very much help with our two - 3 and 7.

We've never had a night away together and maybe 5 dinners in that 7 years. They've never had us over for a meal, never hosted Christmas etc. They don't do formal childcare and we didn't want them too. They have been very good at doing nursery and school pick ups which does take pressure off with train commutes and nursery cut offs.

We'd love them to do more but just doesn't seem a priority to them. It's hard when others have really hands on parents and lots of help but it is what it is.

Another who is confused about how having her nails done has anything at all to do with anything.

I agree with @septemberremember , above.

In answer to your question, there is no "reasonable". Every family's circumstances are different.

You can choose to appreciate the fact you have a Mum who is willing and able to help you out when you need it, or you can be bitter about the fact you don't have as much free childcare as you'd like. It won't change the amount of childcare you have, but will either make you content with life, or unhappy.

We would always have to pay for childcare and tbh, I prefer that as free childcare (from family), would mean I could not ask my boundaries to be respected. It must be great if you and your families are 'on the same hymn sheet' re child rearing, but this is not always the case.

I do some drop offs and pick ups from schools and nurseries. I do overnight stays every week to fit in around shifts. Today I took one to a swimming lesson and kept him for a few hours afterwards then took him home. This half term week I'll be having a couple of them to stay for a few days. I do as much as I can when I'm able. I'm about the same age as your mum and have a very active social life, get my nails done etc so sometimes I can't babysit when asked. But when I do, I do it because I want to. Not every grandparent does.

We're lucky that both grandparents on either side would be more than happy to have our little one but the situation just hasn't arisen where we'd need them to. We pay for full time childcare and have flexibility with our work to go and pick our little boy up as and when we need to, and every holiday or break we've been on since he's been born we've all gone to together. I think my partner would probably like the grandparents to babysit but tbh I like having my little one with me all the time and I'm not remotely close to feeling like I want or need a break from him

Looking after two young children overnight is hard work when you’re older and on your own. I’d just be grateful for any support she does offer. I can’t see the point in jealously of others; many lone parents would think you have it easy.

64 is hardly "older" unless health issues. My 60-something mum took her 3 grandkids on holiday on her own!

Practically no help at all. We live abroad, DHs Dad passed away many years ago, Mum has dementia. Mine in good health but no interest on visiting. They do have one DC for a night or 2 when we visit ( maybe 3 times a year) but wouldn't have both. DH and I haven't had a night alone together for 8 years 😞

My parents are both passed (before I was 21), my husbands mum is in Italy but that’s second to the fact she never has and never would watch them for 1
minute even if in the same effing country.
My sister is local and does babysit but has her own children.
I do envy friends whose families have their kids for overnights etc. but then I’m also lucky to have a husband, and he’s lucky to have me! I’m thankful that I don’t have the strain of elderly parents. Always another way to look at the picture.

And my nearly 70 year old MIL asks to have our 2 for weeks, we have to limit her or we wouldn't see them! They're older now, but she's about to start regularly babysitting a new grandchild in the family.

Never had any help and never been away alone with Dh since dc. In fact his parents had a very negative impact in our marriage by insisting on living with us for many years but still refusing to care for our children so we could even go out for an evening together.
Now the dc are teens and we know there will only be a few more years of family holidays. When they are grown and flown we will travel together but for now we enjoy having them along for the ride.
You do just have to get on with whatever situation you find yourself in. You will have a closer relationship with your dc if they know you want them with you on holiday.

I think you can notice the differences without being bitter.

I can see from Facebook that my NCT group have had a very different half term to the one I’ve had. I adore my children and we’ve had many lovely moments but relaxing as a couple has not been one of them!

I can acknowledge one friend went abroad with her husband, one had a spa day, one went to a concert. And it is another world to the world I have. Doesn’t mean I’m bitter or don’t appreciate what I have any more than thinking someone’s meal in a restaurant looks nice means I don’t want mine!

Our eldest is 10 and we haven't had a night together in that time. We have never had any childcare from grandparents, not even an hour. We pay for what we need and have some good friends but couldn't pay overnight and wouldn't expect it of a friend.

I'm not bitter usually, but it does sting a bit when people say 'can't you just ask your mum to look after them!' When they clearly can't consider that not all mums are alive, willing or able. (People say it in real life and Mumsnet).

Mine are 6 and 7 and I haven’t had a single minute of help since they were born ! It’s hard.

Yes it stings - people surely realise that’s the obvious answer so if you aren’t using it you can’t, either because of bereavement or other reasons that are likely to be upsetting.