Grandparents and childcare .....

[mumnet87]

DH and I just booked a getaway a couple of hours away for us and DS6 and DS3 in the summer. 2 nights. When I told my friend she asked if it was just me and DH or if the children were coming too. We aren't in a position to ask grandparents for that kind of childcare absolutely not! DH unfortunately lost both parents however my DM is retired and in good health, only 64, regularly getting hair and nails done etc and out . never any plans however will only ever help with childcare once in a blue moon if something serious happens. Not saying grandparents owe childcare before people jump on my throat!!!! But made me think.. i couldn't imagine having that kind of village?

What do you think is reasonable as a parent or grandparent? What help do u get or give? Just curious????!!

Yep I’d be lost without mine. They had my dc yesterday for 2 hours while I went to work. 2hrs on a Sunday = 8hrs pay for me so they know it’s doing me a massive favour as a single parent. They do a lot for me, they know money can be tight so they’ll have us round for dinner 2-3 times a month. My dm will take my dc for a few days over the summer holidays too.

Nope we definitely wouldn’t get a night away (DC are 4 and 18m)
If we want a day away from the kids we have to book annual leave on a nursery day.
It stings massively when others around us get so much support from grandparents.
I’m no contact with my Mother, and MIL is always too busy with SILs child so ours don’t get a look in unfortunately.

Dh and I are 67.
I mentioned to dd about the dgc staying when theyre a bit older, the youngest is a baby still, she told me that we’re too old and she wouldn’t leave the dgc with us.
Her in-laws are late 50’s and they look after the older dgc regularly as they live nearby.
Dh is in good health, i’m perfectly fit and mobile although I have an illness.

I absolutely love spending time with my granddaughter, it's the highlight of my week 😁 usually have her ever Fri-Sun but this week I've had her since Thursday.
Also can see the difference it makes to my daughter (a little break for her) first time mammy doing 99% of the childcare duties; so I love to help her out.

Wow . 😌

I'm a grandma to a 8 month old
We - me and his grandad just adore spending time with him
We have him for an afternoon and tea once or twice a week and he's stayed over with us a few times.
We baby sit too ..if asked ..usually to do with his mummy and daddy working
We live about 15 mins away
We wouldn't want it any other way
As young parents we had very little help ..due to distances and working parents...but we did get a couple nights away now and then !
If we can't help because of our own plans..we say so
We have a wonderful relationship with our grandchild already - it's sometimes hard work but always joyful

It’s interesting, I couldn’t imagine not being that sort of involved grandparent for my dc. I hope they live close or I’ll be travelling to them to do whatever childcare they need.

But no I also can’t imagine having that sort of support. Dh and I have had a handful of nights away (literally I can count them on my hand) since we had our first 12 years ago. We don’t have any local family and even the ones who live far away either aren’t interested (though they are very interested in coming to my house a couple weeks a year to eat and drink us dry) or for safeguarding reasons, can’t have unsupervised contact with children.

My grandparents, however, were wonderful and had me literally 8-6 5 days a week from when I was 3 months old til I started school. They did all the school runs and fed me dinner every night. I also spent all school holidays with them until I was 12 (and my grandmother passed away). Maybe it skips a generation? But that’s the sort of grandparent I’d like to be.

I think it varies massively from family to family tbh. All grandparents live within 5 minute drive of our house but have very little to do with our DS (4.5yo).

My parents have looked after him once while DH and I attended a best friends wedding which was child free. Wedding was 2h from home and parents agreed to look after DS provided we were home for 10pm as they didn’t want to watch him overnight so we went for the ceremony and meal and then left. Parents probably see him 2h a month total.

Nobody even had him for a few hours on our wedding day 😅 he walked down the aisle with me, stood with me, and he stayed with us on our wedding night. Had 2 nights away locally after the wedding as a little honeymoon and he came to that too.

DHs parents have never been alone with him and see him maybe 1h a month.

It’s very hard because people always assume that having lots of local family = loads of help and it’s not true at all. DH works abroad so I’m solo a lot.

It probably does skip a generation because as much as I’d love a break there’s no way I’d relinquish every weekend with my children as a previous poster does or have grandparents have my children every day. So if you opt for that it is possible you find parenting really tough for whatever reason and probably won’t be keen to have grandchildren either!

And we don’t know. I knew the sort of parent I wanted to be before I had children then … yeah. So I don’t know what sort of grandparent I’ll be until I am one either!

We have had very little support. Our children are 16 and 12 now. However we as a family unit of 4 are very close as a result.

We rarely asked MIL to have the children but on The rare occasion we did, (for a wedding or party etc) I would always have to have a backup plan as she would all to often say I'm not feeling well or that she would have to take the children to her friends with her (she would never decline a social invitation for FOMO even if she commited to having the children first) She even asked if I still needed to go to my best friends wedding! She would never offer or ask to have the children.

Despite living in the same town, we would see her maybe once every 2 or 3 months, always initiated by us and she never once asked to pop in to see us or went of her way to come over. My husband had enough of her putting her friends first in the end and now doesn't talk to her (there is other stuff too) The children see her in the holidays, but she will never have the relationship she could have, because of her own choices.

I feel bad for them, as their friends have wonderful relationships, and in turn I see the wonderful support my friends have had through their parenting journey. However I adore my family and the relationship our unit has, and I wouldn't change that.

I'm 64 and DH 63. We are both still working full-time and don't have grandchildren yet. Providing we are fit and well we'd do an occasional weekend once gc were 3/4 plus.

We will not be providing regular childcare but have decided between us that we will help with a day of childcare fees for each grandchild.

@mumnet87
Have you asked her? Because on Mumsnet if seems to be completely unreasonable for grandparents to offer-they have to wait to be asked....

I'm a grandparent. I don't wish to be regular childcare. But I do babysit if asked and I can. If there's an emergency then they know I'll drop everything and be there for them. I go to my grandchildren's events, shows, school plays etc. but no I wouldn't want to take my grandchildren for a weekend.

I've taken care of my siblings (useless parents), I've bought up my own children and now I'm helping elderly relatives on top of just being bloody knackered. What's wrong with me wanting my time to myself at this point in my life?.

My in laws were full time childcare for sil. It prevented them from enjoying hobbies and holidays etc. they'd both worked so hard their whole lives and they never got to enjoy their retirement properly. By the time they had effectively helped bring up sil dc their health had declined and they now need care. I'm not letting that happen to my dh and I.

That sounds like shared custody lol.

I'd be ashamed of my children palming their kids off like that every weekend.

She might be a nurse or something. It’s a lot but if that’s the case it’s not drastically different to having a child three days in the week.

My children are 19 and 17 ....my mum babysat once, changed a nappy twice? My ex partners mum used to have my eldest overnight regularly. Yes I could have used more help but I got through it 🫤 always feel a bit sad when I see/read about how much help others get

Dh has 3 gc under 7. We live about 30 mins away but don't do childcare. We will do an odd day in the school holidays for 2 of them.
We are mid 60s and dh works full time. They have 2 grandmothers who do childcare...dh supports in other ways and we see them once a month. We all have busy lives!!!

I have my gs 3 times a week whilst dd gos to the gym she takes a long time though I think she faffs about. I did the same for her older child before he started school. To be honest I am starting to resent it.

I have both of them now and then not to often if dd gos out socially. They normally stay over .

I will also have them if dd has a child free holiday.

I still have young children myself as well.

We look after our dgd very Friday and she is in nursery Monday to Thursday. We love it. We’ve had her overnight many times and it’s such a joy.
she is our only grandchild and there probably won’t be anymore. I’d like her to have a similar relationship with me as I had with my lovely granny.

They have 2 grandmothers who do childcare...dh supports in other ways

I'd love to hear the other side of this...

It’s supposed to make you think she is an evil, self centred bitch who cares only for herself.

( who has brought up a child who obviously resents her DM spending time or money on herself. “She’s my mother. She exists only for me and to do my bidding “)

Whose side? Neither of the other grandmas work and argue about who has them regularly!

I think in our family,it works both ways, I used to look after my teenage DKs, when they were little and their dad's parents were brilliant (they weren't together anymore. We all worked ft, managed between us. No choice, the DWP insisted she got a Job. I worked nights at at hospital 12 miles away from her,so I ate there,showered. She accompanied me to some dental and hospital appointments. She actually moved 5 miles away from me! My other kids are roughly 90 minutes away in different directions,we all muck in for each other.

We have some help but it would have made a massive difference when the kids were younger. The thing I've found hurtful is that my in-laws have totally different standards for how much they'll help their daughter vs their son.

I look after my grandchildren 1 day a week - I went part time when the first one was born in order to do this and will continue until the youngest starts school. I also look after the school aged GCs one or two days a week in the school holidays. I have the GC overnight (only 1 at a time!) and also have stayed at their house if their parents have had a night away somewhere. I’m the same age as OPs mother. I’ve also been on holidays with my DC and their children and will help to look after them whilst on holidays with my so the parents can go off for some time together child free.
However, I chose to do this because I could afford to, not all GPs are in the same position.