Grandparents and childcare .....

[mumnet87]

DH and I just booked a getaway a couple of hours away for us and DS6 and DS3 in the summer. 2 nights. When I told my friend she asked if it was just me and DH or if the children were coming too. We aren't in a position to ask grandparents for that kind of childcare absolutely not! DH unfortunately lost both parents however my DM is retired and in good health, only 64, regularly getting hair and nails done etc and out . never any plans however will only ever help with childcare once in a blue moon if something serious happens. Not saying grandparents owe childcare before people jump on my throat!!!! But made me think.. i couldn't imagine having that kind of village?

What do you think is reasonable as a parent or grandparent? What help do u get or give? Just curious????!!

Our eldest is 10 and we haven't had a night together in that time.

This is completely unimaginable to me, what that's like.

None. Absolutely none. It’s hard but we dealt with it and are a super close unit.

It's not that uncommon that it's unimaginable though is it? Everyone is a life event or two away from not having grandparent help.

I have been doing childcare for 4 of my dgks since the the oldest was born, he's now 32,while working ft myself. This was mostly while the parents worked..I occasionally looked after my oldest sons daughter when she was young.. and occasionally when they went out. I'm 74 now, and my teenage dgcs who live quite close now, often come and stay,had one this weekend.

My mother will have mine for a night or two for a birthday or anniversary. We probably do this 2-3 times a year.

She usually picks them up from school once a week, makes them tea. She will do another evening if husband is working away and I'm stuck. She will help out if I ask her to do more but I'm mindful to not ask too much.

Husbands parents never have them. They used to very occasionally but if we ask them now they always have a reason that they can't.

We’re in the zero help category too. There is a world of difference in the parenting experience of those who have help and those who don’t. It’s perhaps worse because not only do we not have help but also we are now the help to sick and elderly grandparents as well have having small dc to look after. We haven’t had a night away together in more than ten years but we would pay a babysitter for dinners out etc. It is hard and it’s difficult not to feel envious sometimes.

I have zero help. Only one grandparent alive. My mum. She lives about an hour away and is in good health. She has no interest in providing any assistance.

We did call for help once when DD was about 18 months old. I had some awful vomiting bug and hubby had massive work deadlines. I ended up looking after a very demanding houseguest as well as an 18 month old all whilst trying not to puke. We won’t call for help again.

I do feel sad about it. I’m enormously envious of people who do have family support. I’ve made a promise to myself to do better and be better to support my daughter in life.

My grandma is like my second mother. We live close by, I visit several times a week and we have the most amazing bond. She did a lot of babysitting and I grew up with her very close. My mum is doing the same for me now. She has my kids over often and watches them for long weekends etc. a lot. My kids love it and my parents love it, im really glad we have so much support.
DHs family lives overseas, but we visit at least once a year and they also take the kids overnight when DH and I want to go on a date night.

I know, not everyone is this lucky, but thisnis really a tradition I hope to keep alive! My sister has a 3 year old and I watch her 1 day a week when shes at work. The other days shes with my mum or the other grandma. atheres jothing more beautiful than a close family.

The part of this I find the hardest is the lack of couple time. It's hard to not get envious of those having weekends away etc and paid babysitters are so costly, it's just too much

It's not that uncommon that it's unimaginable though is it? Everyone is a life event or two away from not having grandparent help.

It's one of those things I only ever come across on MN, and I don't mean it with anything hidden behind it (I know how snarky MN can get) literally said to my DH after reading this thread we should take a moment to appreciate what we have because I think we have taken it for granted in some respects. We became parents pretty young by today's standards (as did many of our friends and family actually on reflection, so maybe that's partly why most people I know what support), but have had our parents behind us every step of the way, and on the whole (beyond those tricky early bits!) can say parenting has been pretty enjoyable and manageable, but a huge part of that has been having regular breaks, times alone with my husband and I suppose knowing no matter how hard it gets, that there is someone there who would give us a break if we needed it.

I am so reliant on that, I do find it really hard to imagine what what must be like, I consciously know people aren't in that situation, but I can't imagine how difficult that must be, because despite being hundreds of miles away from our support network, we have one. And this thread has been good for making me reflect on that, when we sometimes grumble what our parents can be like!

We have had one night away in six years, no help with school pick up/ weekly looking after if the kids etc.

one grandparent 30 mins down the road, still works, has a boyfriend etc so very busy but sees my brothers son three times a week. Apparently my brother doesn’t ‘cope’ as well as I do so needs the help.

two grandparents living an hour away, both in 60s retired but zero interest in even seeing the children let alone looking after them

one 600 miles away so not an option!

it’s really hard, and people don’t seem to understand it. I feel a sting when I hear about other people’s mums coming to stay for a week post partum or looking after the kids every Friday/ once a month for sleepovers.

mainly I mourn the fact my children don’t have present and involved grandparents who adore them and want to spend the time with them. I had amazing grandparents who basically raised me so it stings particularly badly as I know how good it could be and I lost both of them last year.

I know, not everyone is this lucky, but thisnis really a tradition I hope to keep alive!

I hope so too. I have sons so I sometimes worry I might have a DIL who won't spend a night apart from a child or who just wants to default to her own parents (too much time on MN 😂😂) I'm hoping they'll be so frazzled by parenthood they'll appreciate the break ha, I am one of those who thinks 1:1 time helps bonding. We'll see I guess, apparently they don't plan any kids in future

I don't have kids. But a few years ago we were at friends birthday party. One couple came with their child. Basically both members of the couple had dinner. Then the other went home with the child and then they swapped at some point in the evening. A friend who left their kidsnwith grandparents made a comment about never wanting to take their kids to something like this that it wouldn't be enjoyable. I just looked at him and said that "you do realise their options were to wither show up with their child or not to come". I think their compromise was quite good. It clearly had not occurred to him at all that it isn't an option for everyone to just drop the children off whenever for whatever.

I have an 8 year old who has never been looked after by either sets of grandparents. Not once. In fairness, one GP had dementia so it wasn’t possible for them to look after my DC but the other set have never offered.

This situation is currently frustrating me.
My in laws see my children about once or twice a year, and take very little interest in them. No phone calls/texts or contact at all, except for birthday cards and money. My father in law last saw them at Christmas 2023 - which was arranged by me. They’re just not bothered about being grandparents. Their loss! They only live about 45 mins/an hour away from us. I set up a grandparent WhatsApp group a few years ago as I thought they might like to see some photos of their grandchildren but they took very little interest in it, so I’ve stopped now. It’s very strange.

I'm 64, active and no health (or financial) issues. While I wouldn't want to do regular childcare I would always be available as an emergency back-up. I think a couple of nights per month of babysitting is reasonable with the occasional overnight stay as needed.

The perfect balance (to me) is enjoying time with the grandkids without the slog of regular childcare responsibilities. It's fun as well when the kids see time spent at Grandma's as a treat and something to look forward to.

When my dds were little my (ex) in-laws were our village and would have our kids while we worked and usually a couple of overnights a month . My mum had poor health so couldn't help and dad wouldn't have had a clue.

When I had ds with dh my parents were even less able to support. Dh parents both work they will have Ds occasionally overnight. My now adult dd also help out occasionally.

It's not exactly a village but it's better than nothing.

My parents were well in to their 70s when I had my kids (I didn't have them til my 40s). So other than the odd evening babysitting they weren't really capable of having two energetic youngsters, plus they lived abroad half the year. My in laws - well let's just say nothing from there.
But yesterday I was talking to my late DH's ex wife, as we had a grandchild (hers, twins) each at a family gathering. She is late 60s, and looks after one three year old grandchild one day a week and another two year old from her other son another day a week and has been on hand to help with the twins.
My cousin has always had her grandchild one day a week and often overnight. I think that's great and hope I will be fit enough still when my own kids have families.
But it's a bonus, not an obligation. And you can have a great relationship with your grandchildren without having to actually care/babysit them. We stayed with my parents abroad every year and they and my kids had a lovely relationship til sadly my father and my DH passed away within a year of each other.

We're like you OP. Very little GP childcare, as my parents still work and DH's mum is disabled. I'm always quite jealous of my friends going on regular date nights.

When DD is an adult, I will absolutely try to provide semi-regular childcare if she has kids. Even an evening a month would make such a difference to us. I would expect I'll still be working when she's a parent, but if not I would happily do a day or two a week of childcare if I'm able.

Edit to add that I wouldn't want a paid babysitter I don't know.

My mum was orphaned by the time she was 25 and pregnant with me. My arrival made her MIL (my nan) a grandmother at 45 and she was absolutely not ready to be a granny. My mum's experience of having 0 help in the early years and periods of no/low contact with my dad's side of the family mean that I am extremely privileged to have parents and siblings who drop everything to help my husband and I should we need them both pre kids and now with 2 young sons of our own (2yr old and newborn).

My own MIL travels across the country to stay with us to help provide childcare every few weeks also.

I am a midwife also, and therefore have been surrounded by older women with families since a relatively young age who have helped with practical advice and reassurance, alongside other friends who I could call in the middle of the night to come and be with our family in an emergency.

We're very lucky and very grateful to have a 'village'.

Me and DH have done/do this type of swapping scenario where needed. We have lots of loving family members, our kids are very lucky and close to their extended family. My DPs in particular do odd childcare for us for things like medical appointments or odd school runs in terrible weather since we've had the new baby, etc. However nobody offers to babysit for us to socialise/leisure. Actually my DPs have once in the almost 7yrs we've been parents. We've also asked once that I can remember for a mutual close friend's big birthday party which my DB obliged for. So we would ask for a wedding/big birthday party of a very close friend/that type of thing but nothing else.

For dates we just take two days annual leave a year when the kids are in school and nursery and do something then.

I've been in both camps. When my eldest DDs were little their paternal grandparents lived abroad and as I was brought up by my grandparents my Nana was too old to babysit more than keeping an eye while I jumped in the shower

Then after meeting DH his parents were amazing. MIL lives with us know and is so hands on with the children she's been a godsend.

We try when we can to help out DH's best mate as they have no other help and we know how much we've appreciated it.

Having been abused and neglected by my own parents then brought up by amazingly well meaning, but old grandparents I'm so so so grateful for the village we have for our children.

PIL lived abroad. My parents did some childcare but moved three hours away to retire when DD was a toddler, so never had regular childcare after that. We were lucky in that I would pay my teenage niece to babysit occasionally if we had a party / dinner.

I got a lot of help and babysitting but not regular childcare.
I'll do the same and more but won't box myself into a schedule

Mine never babysat, maybe once every 2 years for a lunch date. They didn't decide to have the kids and had no say in the matter though, so up to them. I never cared.