Can a family court judge force my child into nurserh

[ShyasminW]

Please help I would be really grateful
I have a family court final hearing next week and my ex has put forward his position and wants 50/50 shared care and he wants our son to go into a nursery on his days during the week

i only work part time I do one night shift at the weekend when son is with his dad

I provide full time care all week for my son and son goes to dad for tea mid week after he finishes work

my worry is a judge will force me to take him to nursery half the week on dads time when I am available for him

the nursery he wants our son to go to is 30 minutes from my home approximately I know it’s in an area that’s at least this far from me, and I don’t drive so I would have to get a bus to take him to nursery on “dads days” I also don’t know the name of this nursery as he said it’s linked to his work and he gets discount but he hasn’t stated the name of the nursery to his solicitor (or they haven’t told me) so I won’t know this until we are in court (we do not have any communication me and dad so I can’t ask him)
do you think a judge would force my 18 month old son into nursery when I am available to care for him
can they force me to take him even though I am available to care for him

cafcass did not recommend 50/50 either

sorry this long post

Come up with a long term plan based on when and where you DS will be going to school. You won’t be moving as you have a house. Who is primary carer where he will be registered to get a school place. He will want to be part of a community and you may like the idea of him doing some time at school nursery when he is a bit older for his socialisation and to make friends. Equally, you may not. But whatever plan you come up with be forward looking and base it around the needs of your child having a base and community to start out from. That will likely counteract your ex wanting to pull him between two places and feeling at home at none.
If you can’t get to wherever it is your ex wants him to go, then it is a non starter. Ask questions such as who will look after DS if he is ill, who will pick him up if he is unwell. Is there a place for the days proposed? has ex visited the nursery. How will settling on be managed? By asking lots of questions then it will be clear that ex’s plan is daft. But do propose a plan of your own that works at a minimum and will work when school is an issue. You don’t want to be in and out of court and the judge and cafcass won’t want that either. So play around with a few scenarios but in essence your ex can do what he wants, within reason when DS is with him but not at your inconvenience. You can say (whether it is the case now or not) that you want same days each week. You might want to do a particular activity with DS such as swimming lessons or whatever that won’t work with an irregular weekly pattern

I have a friend whose ex wanted to punish her through the courts. He first threatened going for full custody, which we think his lawyer talked him out of, as there was no way he would get it. Then he went for 50 / 50, wasted a lot of time and money and ended up with every other weekend, 1 mid week night and half holidays.
After a while, the mid week stopped, then the weekends became sporadic, and now he only ever sees his child every now and then.

Stay strong, try not to let the whole thing stress you out and absolutely do not let your ex know he is getting to you in any way.

He still needs to provide for his child regardless.

@IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken Yes, it definitely sounds as if he's focusing on reducing what he has to pay, hoping that the 30 hours will cover most of "his" time, without having a clue about nurseries.

It's really quite sad, he doesn't sound bothered about what's actually best of his child.

Sad but not at all surprising.

Sounds like he read the "abusive ex arshole" script......

And as a PP said, to a certain type of abuser, they dont care what it costs them as long as they get one over on their former victim.

This is doable without you having to take to nursery or collect if exchanges are currently at your sister’s house and she’s okay to continue.

If he wants 2255 that is set days. Ask for the W/Th as lots of mondays are bank holidays anyway and it would reduce your DS’s time in nursery.

Explain the no contact to the judge and ask for the handover to be the evening before at your sister’s house.

So if dad is due to have your son for Monday and Tuesday, he picks up at your sister’s at 6pm on Sunday night and drops him off at your sister’s at 6pm Tuesday night. You can arrange with your sister to bring your son to her half an hour before that or around the same time and just stay in a different room etc. Then if it was XH’s weekend with DS (F/S/Su), he would pick up Thursday at 6pm and return him at Sunday 6pm etc.

Him wanting to put DS in childcare on his days would then need to be facilitated completely on his own. You wouldn’t be expected to shuttle DS to and fro from nursery.

OP you've had some good and some duff advice on this thread.

In a nutshell: when the court considers any question like this, your son's welfare is its paramount concern. That is the beginning and end of it. Within that context, it has to consider the "welfare checklist" (you can google it) and all the evidence - including cafcass's recommendations. Everything will boil down to what is best for your son - and any arguments you make, have to go to that point. Points such as the benefits of him spending meaningful time with you, the downsides of nursery, the impact on your son of you being distressed by being forced to utilise a nursery, all the unnece travel etc, will all likely be relevant.

I would not get too hung up over handovers. Try to think of, and offer, alternatives. Can a third party do it, can you utilise a contact centre etc.

Try not to worry.

Why do you think? He's 18months old. She wants to be with her child. He's not a doll but a human child with feelings.

So is he only going for 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay CMS? I'm not sure what a judge would say but I know they are notoriously bad. Sounds like a bad situation. Maybe find some literature on separation anxiety and how nursery is bad for babies. A lot of it exists.

Surely the father would have to book nursery five days a week if his work pattern changes from week to week? So it might be more expensive than he envisages.
If the court decides to grant 50/50 there can still be negotiation around what days and times that will be. So your current handover arrangements could be used, at least some of the time.
Think hard about what you would like the court to decide, based on what is best for your child. Several PP have given good advice around planning for school. Hopefully your solicitor can also help.

I think you need to not be so hung up on you being available.

You are simply not in a position to take an 18 month old on a 30 mile journey.

Assuming your sister can still do handover that is what you can provide. He can come and collect his son on his days.

I don’t understand how nursery works in that scenario, because surely you then have to pay for places every day even if you’re not using them?

It's perfectly fine and normal to prioritise looking after your young child over having more money than you need. OP may decide to work more in future. That's irrelevant here.

Not sure why you're bringing in a fascist multi millionaire without kids to support your argument.

If he does go to nursery it needs to be near OPs house. But anyway they will not get any free hours as op doesn't work enough hours. Until 3 and then only 15 hours. Which will probably still leave a big bill

Why does it need to be closer to the parent who doesn’t use it if they split care 50/50? That’s nonsensical.
The father will still be able to apply for the funded hours regardless if the mother not working because they are not together or sharing a household.

Nursery is a red herring and it’s muddying the waters because the Op doesn’t agree with it, however the other parent can make their own decisions for DC on their time.

Their problem is the handover situation.

Either way I would be very surprised if the gr court would allow 50/50 while ruling there must be no direct contact between the parents. Using the aunt just isn’t sustainable in the long run.

Nursery isn’t just about childcare - it provides so much more than this. Routines, socialisation, communication, interaction, learning through play etc.

He does have 2 children with Grimes and maybe another one or two from a previous marriage I can't be bothered to look and It wasn't an argument. You're forgetting the EU referendum people showed their true colours on that day. Nigel Farage and Boris spreading lies, and that bus was wrong showing a line of foreigners coming to the UK and Jo Cox was murdered, you've forgotten already? My partner visited a polish woman to service her boiler the day after the Brexit vote and she was terrified to leave her house. He had to take her shopping or else she wouldn't have left her house.

My family has money and they do the same as the op but she don't know them. My aunt didn't invest in her son he ended up doing a shit degree. Invest in yourself and your children what else can you do with money. Shrouds have no pockets.

your child’s dad will be responsible for child care on his days so what he chooses to do is his decision. Can you negotiate that your child stays with their dad the night before as part of your agreement?

so if nursery days are Monday-Wednesday they sleep at dads Sunday- Tuesday yours Wednesday-Friday and you alternate Saturdays

@Househunter2025 The op can learn how to drive. That's an investment especially as her son gets older. Is she going to expect her ex husband to drive him if it's long distance on the days she has him. I say it again she should invest in herself and her children what else do you do with money?

how is she going to learn to drive right now, without £££££ of lessons, which her child can’t come on, and then buy a car??

I totally agree that it is really extremely useful to drive and on all of those threads where people say I just manage fine without driving it’s totally unnecessary I think hmm. Presumably the op thought that. But here she is, and it is unreasonable of the driving parent who is at work during the day to choose a childcare near him. Not even to mention if the child is sick, he will expect the op to collect (personally I’d say I’m actually in another town for the day, you’ll have to leave work and get him and look after him. That’s what you wanted- contact time with your child.)

Nobody thinks nursery is necessary for a well looked after 15mo. And my children were all in full time nursery from 1yo.

Agree 💯

how is she going to learn to drive right now, without £££££ of lessons, which her child can’t come on, and then buy a car??

@Codlingmoths She works one night shift a week she said so herself she only works so she isn't bored. Money can go very quickly especially when you have children and very little is coming back the other way. Learning to drive will open more doors if she needs to work more hours in the future. She can book lessons on days her son is with his dad.

If the court says that it's in the child's favour to go to nursery then what will the op do with her time. I think he wants either a 50/50 or 2-2-5-5 split? There are men out there who walk away from their children and show no interest. Maybe he's not happy with the current handover situation and it's not working for him? I would make it clear that if he needs picking up because of illness from nursery then he has to do it. He won't like it affecting his work. I wonder because he drives whether the nursery will be closer to the op? Maybe that's why he's being quiet about it's location.

You need to elaborate on the police involvement.

That is the most important thing here.

The court should see that your focus is on protecting your child from someone is a risk to him.

Was it domestic violence? What stage is it at? Is he still under investigation?

Exposing a child to an abuser is itself child abuse (emotional harm).

If it's not safe to have face to face handovers then I'd say it's not safe for him to have unsupervised contact at all.

Has he been assessed as to the quality of his contact?

Request that he is assessed due to the risks he poses.

Nursery isnt the issue here. It's keeping the child safe from a dangerous man.

I still don't understand how having a mortgage free house enables anyone to survive on the earnings from just one night shift a week. Food, council tax, utilities, mobile phone, activities for the child... these things can't all be funded from working one day a week.

I do realise this is not the main point of the thread given the police involvement etc but I'm curious about how resistant the OP is to the child going to nursery, since presumably she's going to need more work as he grows up.