Can a family court judge force my child into nurserh

[ShyasminW]

Please help I would be really grateful
I have a family court final hearing next week and my ex has put forward his position and wants 50/50 shared care and he wants our son to go into a nursery on his days during the week

i only work part time I do one night shift at the weekend when son is with his dad

I provide full time care all week for my son and son goes to dad for tea mid week after he finishes work

my worry is a judge will force me to take him to nursery half the week on dads time when I am available for him

the nursery he wants our son to go to is 30 minutes from my home approximately I know it’s in an area that’s at least this far from me, and I don’t drive so I would have to get a bus to take him to nursery on “dads days” I also don’t know the name of this nursery as he said it’s linked to his work and he gets discount but he hasn’t stated the name of the nursery to his solicitor (or they haven’t told me) so I won’t know this until we are in court (we do not have any communication me and dad so I can’t ask him)
do you think a judge would force my 18 month old son into nursery when I am available to care for him
can they force me to take him even though I am available to care for him

cafcass did not recommend 50/50 either

sorry this long post

I disagree. I wish I could stay home with my toddler. The staff are lovely but he is ill constantly, so many viruses, he gets upset when staff change and cries at drop offs. He learnt so much language when he had two weeks just with me at Xmas. It would be much better for a toddler to be with mummy taking him to baby classes and the library and toddler group than being at nursery. From over age 2 they start to need friends but at 18 m he'd be much better off with mum.

Thank you

The comment was pretty abrupt though. Why shouldn't she ask for other people's experiences? Why assume that she's not already asked or plans to ask a solicitor. The comment was rather patronising to be fair.

Has he checked nursery has the space? All nurseries around here are full with an 18 month waiting list.

Why does Elon Musk work? Footballers earn a 100k a week and when their career is done they end up broke because they stop working. Something to think about in the future. It needs to come in from somewhere. Rich people are risk takers that's why they have money.

I think the nursery is a red herring

Bit bizarre. The OP, like most of us, isn't a footballer or Elon Musk. So long as she's living within her means and not burning through capital, she's probably ok for the time-being and she may want to work more when her DC is older. It's ok not to love your job to the extent that you want to unnecessarily sacrifice time with your DC to it, if actually you can afford to make this choice.

Several issues.....

The child is 18 months, many many women choose to be a SAHM until school age. That usually takes a financial or career sacrifice, usually both, within the family. The OP is fortunate that she doesnt have that issue. I am sure that when her child is older she will then decide the best way forward for her. No one is "JUST" anything.

I hope that the judge would also decide in the childs best interests, which is patently not to spend time in a childcare setting involving a 1.5 hour bus commute to get there and back when his mother is willing and able to care for him herself.

Pick ups and drop offs can not be shared because the police and cafcass have both said that the ex cannot be anywhere near the OP.

His plan is that she isnt "in her corner" (charming turn of phrase...) on his time, its about her spending her child free time, running around doing his bidding. Why? Because his actions have led to the police and cafcass saying that he cannot pick up DS from her as he is a danger to her. And he clearly doesnt want her to have licence to choose how she spends the time without DS, so he engineers this plan so that she cant.

This is not about what is "BEST" for the child but about an abusive man continuing to abuse via other means. Google "Abuse via the family court" its a know phenomenon and a dangerous one at that. Its how abusive men, even when they are abusive to their own children, get forced access to said children and the mothers can do nothing to prevent it.

@ShyasminW who will put dc into nursery when you ex has them if he has early start?? he surely doesnt expect the dc to stay at your house just for sleeping? why did you not arrange the nursery at your end so your child could get some social enrichment? this could have been done before your ex decided to involve a nursery

Hearing things from more than one person is going to increase your anxiety not make it better.

You share a child and you are not necessarily going to be able to control what your child’s father does with your child when he has him.

A few posters have mentioned that you could use the time without your child to develop your interests and work towards your own goals. Work isn’t only about money, it’s about wellbeing, activity, meeting people and being mentally stimulated.

Your stance has little to do with your child’s welfare and a lot to do with what you want and would prefer to happen. That’s fair enough but at least be honest with yourself.

You could see this as a positive thing; your child having more contact with his Dad, your child having learning opportunities and play at nursery but you are so intent on maintaining the status quo that you can’t even consider the possible benefits of any alternatives.

Given you don’t have to see your ex due to the cafcass order I think this would be grounds for you to refuse saying you cannot take him to nursery on dads days as it’s not local to you and you do not drive. Seems odd he wants 50:50 and you’re in court when it’s not recommended. I’d think he won’t be getting his way!!

Elon Musk doesnt work, you dear sweet naive fool!

Most top rankers in football dont end up broke, the ones that do have addiction issues. As do the very poorest in society, often becoming addicts because of poverty rather than the other way around.

And what the hell has this to do with anything that the OP asked?!

Agree with all of this!!

I would argue the impact of a nursery start on your ds with the current situation he's getting used to.
Babies can take weeks/ months to settle and I'm not convinced a new setting is ideal at this time.

If you say you don't want nursery you need a back up of reason's.

@CJsGoldfish I think you need to read OP’s posts. She’s clearly inherited a lot of money, she lives comfortably, and she has an 18 month old. Who in their right mind would want to go to work and pay for child care when they didn’t have to? She has stability because she has money. If she wants to retrain and work when her son is older, she can. But right now, she wants to make the most of her son’s pre school years. If you can’t understand that then I feel sad for you.

Also op, find a great nursery right near you, and in your court statement say I am more than happy right now to spend all my time with my son. If I wanted to send him to a nursery id send him to one near me, I don’t drive and his dad does, while moving him to a nursery near his dad is a 45 minute bus ride for me and a 4yo, which doesn’t make sense. There are a couple of great nurseries near me. Also, I would like my son to go to <name a school>, I’m planning to be around for volunteering, reading etc at school and drop him and collect him, I can’t do that volunteering if his school is 45 mins by bus also and if it’s nearby I can be an active parent for him there, his dad isn’t planning on doing that and could easily drive himself there if he were.

OP it would be completely impractical for you to travel on public transport to drop your son at nursery, just so he’s there for your ex to collect, while you spend the day on your own. I just wouldn’t do it. Even if it was court ordered - which I doubt it would be - I simply wouldn’t take him. Every day I’d say he was ill, or I was ill, or the bus didn’t come. Then when your ex finished work I’d take him to a contact point to collect him. The time spent with his Dad would be exactly the same.

Keep your chin up! You can do this.

I think you need to have a list:
I absolutely support the idea of 50/50 if that is what his father wants. I want my child to be happy.
It is in my child’s best interest for that to be regular days. Maybe Monday-Weds with you Thursday Fri with him. Alternate weekends (whatever works for you)
I support the idea of nursery 2 days a week (dad’s days). It will need to be inbetween us both. Examples could be x,y,z (look at childcare.co.uk for potentials and maybe visit). Or if one near him he will need to drop off close to my location. Fine with that. However would prefer to make friends nearby as when school age comes it will not be fair on my child to travel long distances on the bus every day, so would prefer somewhere inbetween us both.
My child will not be going to nursery on my days as we have a busy schedule of swimming/parks etc. vital for development. So important father finds a nursery that will accept part time.
I care about my child and want to ensure they have a great childhood and want to ensure that the time they spend with me is quality time and not spent travelling
needlessly.

Play the game and be strong. It probably won’t last anyway.

I would like to apologise for some of the negativity on here. Very unfair to you.

Good luck.

he isn’t spending more time with his dad is he at nursery

hearing other peoples stories is good for me

thank you

@ShyasminW Put this on the legal board seems to me here that there are a bunch of judgemental fuckwits on here who know nothing.

It is obvious to anyone with half a brain that if you are available to look after your child and the other parent is not then that care will be allotted to you especially as this is an 18 month old.

Please repost on legal

Some of your thinking comes across as argumentative, don’t do this.

You need to be factual and practical.

Dont put the ball in his park - for example don’t say ‘well how is that going to work?’ Say that wouldn’t be in x best interest because in means - I am too far away should there be an accident, I don’t drive, I can not arrange transport to collect or drop off, it makes X day longer, school holidays could be spent with a parent rather than a nursery setting, X has a routine near me, baby groups, friends, meet ups, he would have less contact with your sister, parents, family support - close to doctors or what ever

Again think of your advantages, not what he does in his time, not how you enrich your sines existence with how things are now.

try not worry he’s just trying to scare you , men like this don’t want 50/50 they just don’t want to pay maintenance.

Elon invests his money he takes risks so he can fatten his account even more. He is a business man. It's true about footballers. Even if they are not addicts keeping up with the same lifestyle as if they had that money coming in every week is a different ask. I knew a footballer his mother was investing his money in businesses. She wasn't having her son and herself go back to nothing and eating rubbish.

My post has nothing to do with her question I'm not a solicitor. Something to think about in the future.

Short answer yes a judge could order this.

My abusive ex didn't know where I was living. Because of this I was expected to transport kids to handover that suited him. Contact had to work around his shifts as I "wasn't working". I was in maternity leave and the fact contact in shifts fucked my ability to return to work was meaningless to the judge.

My barrister said we had a really bad judge and was shocked at the outcome. So likelihood is it won't go so bad for you. But family court judges have a lot of power and no oversight. Most family court is closed so their terrible judgment cannot be held up to scrutiny by the public. It's a terrible system