Can a family court judge force my child into nurserh

[ShyasminW]

Please help I would be really grateful
I have a family court final hearing next week and my ex has put forward his position and wants 50/50 shared care and he wants our son to go into a nursery on his days during the week

i only work part time I do one night shift at the weekend when son is with his dad

I provide full time care all week for my son and son goes to dad for tea mid week after he finishes work

my worry is a judge will force me to take him to nursery half the week on dads time when I am available for him

the nursery he wants our son to go to is 30 minutes from my home approximately I know it’s in an area that’s at least this far from me, and I don’t drive so I would have to get a bus to take him to nursery on “dads days” I also don’t know the name of this nursery as he said it’s linked to his work and he gets discount but he hasn’t stated the name of the nursery to his solicitor (or they haven’t told me) so I won’t know this until we are in court (we do not have any communication me and dad so I can’t ask him)
do you think a judge would force my 18 month old son into nursery when I am available to care for him
can they force me to take him even though I am available to care for him

cafcass did not recommend 50/50 either

sorry this long post

Also, you don't currently work.
Maybe you are super wealthy (get the best lawyer you can if you are!) and will never need to work.
But you might want to at some point, work isn't just about money, and raising a child solo is very expensive. Holidays, private healthcare if needed, tuition, hobbies, driving lessons, university?
Maybe this is all covered by the inheritance hire a hitman on the ex but if it isn't and it won't cover you for a lifetime of spending for yourself and DS then working PT could top you up while DS is at school in a few years.
So don't get stuck to a crappy schedule just because you are flexible now , definitely don't tell the judge you don't work.

This!

And this

This is good advice IMO.

Thank you so much for your reply
I didn’t even mention this because I think I have caused so many issues I didn’t realise this thread would have so many replies

but my ex husband does not want to pay for nursery he wants to use a specific nursery that he says he can get free childcare at because his friend owns it. I do know one of his friends family have a nursery so I believe what he is saying is true and the location of the nursery is approx 30 minutes from both of our homes but a bit further for me by a few miles. Basically the only nursery our son could attend is the one he can get a free place at

I would LOVE to know if the friend has actually agreed to give him free childcare in a paid for setting that is their business! I cannot imagine anyone turning away a paying customer (and we know how much nurseries charge!) for his mate to use it as a drop in centre for his son.

That would definitely be worth flagging up with the solicitor, as they may be able to establish whether the friend has said this.

That would be one hell of a favour for a mate. The favour would likely cost the friend atleast £1000 per month!

"Like many abusive men, he is using his right to parenal responsibility to continue abusing the OP via their shared child and the family court."

That statement above is why a lot of men walk away. There's no compromise. It's battle after battle. The only way to get anywhere is by the book and use the law. A man or woman can be a cunt to their partner and a wonderful parent to their child. Some relationships are toxic and they should never have been together.

You know who I feel sorry for is the child and what they have to listen to and put up with. I knew a woman who separated from her partner. Her children ended up turning on her and she moved away without them she couldn't take the stress. Left them with their dad and his partner. That was after years of court battles and arguments.

There is an argument called first refusal that you can use in court if your ex does persue this.
It basically means you say as the parent you wish for first refusal to care for your son when ex is not available ie when he's at work/out for the evening/at the gym etc.
He must offer you first refusal to care for your son before asking someone else eg nan, nursery.

My ex did this to be a pain in the ass and judge wrote it in initially......given he never once provided care (just used it to control me) it was removed in the next court case......but for a child who is not yet in school it's a good argument 😉

You should probably take your axe and grind it elsewhere.

I probably should I'll leave you all to plot. I hope it works out for you.

I probably should. I’ll leave you all to give helpful suggestions to the OP on how to move forward. I hope it all works out for you.

There. Fixed it for you. You’re welcome.

Thank you xx

I definitely wouldn't suggest asking for Mon-Thurs on the basis you don't work. Yes sure, you'll have loads of quality time with DS at the moment. But once he's at school you'll have no weekends and not a lot of time at all really.

But the courts might not want to change it if it's working for DS.

Think about this more

id say the nursery won’t work for me as having to take a 30 minute bus to the nursery and 30 minutes back again won’t be any good to fit with your daily schedule

you’d need a nursery close to you so you can walk or get there quicker. If the dc was ill they need to be easily accessible to get as no one would. Want to spend 30 minutes on bus and then 10 minutes walk from bus stop and waiting time

any nursery would need to be agreeable to both if you and this nursery usnt

but go and find a nursery near you to show willing, to show you have looked into it as a better solution - with prices etc

do your homework

but go and find a nursery near you to show willing, to show you have looked into it as a better solution - with prices etc

Why would the OP do this? She has no need of childcare. The only reason her ex wants to use a nursery is to hurt her by reducing the time she can spend with her baby.

18 month olds aren't better off in nursery unless there is a problem with the parenting they are receiving. There's no reason to believe this is the case.

Anyone putting the child first would just support the current arrangement continuing and dismiss the suggestion of a nursery when there is a loving parent willing and able to care for the child at home.

I agree. I don't know why @ShyasminW is getting such a hard time about not working full time or wanting her DC in nursery.

Her ex-H is abusive and violent - for the police and CAFCASS to be clear on hand overs etc makes this crystal clear. Given how much women subjected to partner's control & coercion are dismissed or belittled, for both the police & CAFCASS to make these orders means it's serious.

OP's ex-H is still truing to exert control and also avoid paying any maintenance for HIS child by claiming 50% care, when actually he's cherry picking days - and not regular days - and requiring the OP to do all the running around. He's an appalling excuse for a father.

How much or whether the OP works is beside the point. She is full-time looking after her DC, and doing weekly shifts in her job to keep up her skills. THat's more than a lot of SAHMs who post on MN do!

Of course her DC has the right to a relationship with their father, but not one that is forced in order for the child's father to continue to try to control @ShyasminW He is not committing to 50%

And yes, it might be good for an only child to have some socisalisation in nursery with other children, but there is plenty of time for that - when the child is 3 or so, as a way of gently preparing for school.

But that should be in a nursery near to the RP, and not disruptive to the child's life in the home where they spend the majority of their time.

If her son was 3 then yes nursery would be good. To learn new things/make friends etc. But at 18 months he only needs his mum and the groups they go to. Any nursery that a child goes to at 18 months is for child care - not for the child's benefit really. He is still having social interactions with his mum.

Anyone else wondering if the ex's nursery owning friend has just offered a place for the child, but not for free?

And that the ex has assumed it's for free.

This is how it will be when he's in school anyway

Unfortunately by going through the courts you have given up your right to decide what is best for your child and placed in in their hands, your son is almost 2 so I'm sure they will expect him to be at nursery as he is entitled to 15 hours for free.
I'm sure they will take the distance or any inconvenience into account but if his father states that he is willing to facilitate it I don't see any reason for them to deny it.

No one would expect him to be at nursery it’s not the law that children attend nursery

the reason for them to deny is that I can provide his care that’s what I think

thank you for replying

Its not just about childcare its also about education and child development and if the court feels like its in his interest they can prepare that order whether its a legal requirement or not. If its court ordered he will need to attend if dad takes him on his days then you don't have a say. You both gave up the right to make the decision when you involved the courts.

If they give him 50/50 contact, then childcare on his watch will be up to him to provide. If he cannot come near you, then it will be up to you to take the child to the 3rd location for exchange. So I can see them saying that has to be nursery tbh.