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Heartbroken that I’ve caused my DS10 embarrassment

234 replies

TerribleMum10 · 03/02/2025 15:43

NC because I've caused him enough humiliation without anybody on here who may know us in RL finding out.

My eldest DS is 10, nearly 11, and in Y6. Last night him and DS2 (just 9) were playing up something terrible when they were supposed to be in bed and going to sleep. Sneaking into each others rooms, in and out of the bathroom, winding each other up and generally just getting on my last nerve. They're not bad lads at all, the eldest in particular has really matured over the past 18 months so acting out like that was quite out of character. Not sure what caused it, maybe just caught his brother's silliness and lost control a bit, but either way they pushed me to the edge and after asking them calmly but firmly at least half a dozen times I'm afraid I did lose my cool and shout . Not something I ever usually resort to, and not something I'm proud of, but I made it very clear how angry they'd made me and that neither of them was to leave their room again until it was time to get up.

It seemed to do the trick, not another peep.

Of course by this morning I'd calmed down, and decided not to bring it up again. What's done is done, it's in the past and today's a new day and all that. DS1 was already up and dressed in his uniform when I went into wake him, which surprised me a little especially after the late night they'd ended up having, but it's not totally unheard of for him to wake early and amuse himself with a book so I didn't think much of it and we went on with our morning. DS2 was much harder to wake, and a little grumpy through being overtired, but nevertheless we were ready to head out to school on time. Just as we were heading out of the door DS1 remembered something he'd forgotten to pick up from his room and dashed upstairs for a minute.

After dropping them off at school I went to gather laundry from their rooms, and found a scribbled note on top of DS1's duvet which just said "Sorry Mum". Pulling the covers back, to my horror I found his sheets soaked with his PJs and pants screwed up in the middle. My poor boy had wet the bed!

Now DS doesn't have even occasional accidents and I honestly can't remember the last time he wet the bed, he must have been 5 or maybe even younger. And of course this was my fault, I'd lost my temper and forbidden them from leaving their rooms. I won't lie, I burst into tears when I realised what had happened and my heart absolutely broke for him that I'd caused this to happen.

I've been beating myself up all day about it, I can't imagine how embarrassed he must have been feeling this morning and despite that he actually wrote me a note to say sorry!

They're at an after school club at the moment, I'll be picking them up in an hour and I just want to give him a big hug and say how sorry I am, but I'm not sure how I'm going to do that without bursting into tears and without drawing DS2's attention to what happened too.

I just feel like a terrible mum! Yes they were playing me up, but I caused my son to be humiliated and that's on me.

I don't know what I'm looking for posting this, just an outlet I think to try and gather my thoughts and hopefully decide how to approach it and how to make sure I can never cause something like this again.

OP posts:
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Justhere65 · 03/02/2025 20:42

I’m also sorry you have had horrible replies. I think you sound a lovely mum and I am sure he feels loved. Just give him a big hug and tell him that accidents happen. One thought … I can remember vividly at that age dreaming that I was using the bathroom only to wake up and realise that I had wet my bed! I was around 10 years old and my mum was furious with me. It could have been that?

Bournetilly · 03/02/2025 20:45

He’s nearly 11, he’s old enough to know you didn’t mean he couldn’t go to the toilet. I don’t think this is your fault, they were messing around and you shouted at them.

Spudthespanner · 03/02/2025 20:46

CorduroySituation · 03/02/2025 20:38

194 posts and no reply from OP.

Hmmmmmmm

I would imagine that's because a lot of posters have been utter cunts to her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Stepfordian · 03/02/2025 21:01

ProustianMadeleine · 03/02/2025 15:53

What a load of absolute waffling nonsense. You cried because he pissed the bed. Please.

He was probably too tired after pratting about for so long at bedtime to wake up and go to the toilet when he needed to.

Second reply nailed it. Gently, I think you need to get a grip.

Glitterbomb123 · 03/02/2025 21:12

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 03/02/2025 16:59

The responses on here are shocking.

For a young kid, wetting the bed is the most awful, embarrassing thing in the world.

OP, I would give him a big hug and tell him everything is okay when you see him and not mention it directly unless he brings it up.

I think the note was lovely and he clearly wanted to apologise to you but felt too embarrassed to do it in person.

Kids act up, it happens... PPs are acting like he has done something awful.

Wetting the bed is a sign of emotional distress, so if it's a once off I would not worry but if it happens again I would address it seriously just in case something else is going on.

I'm sorry, but Wetting the bed is a sign of emotional distress, so if it's a once off I would not worry but if it happens again I would address it seriously just in case something else is going on.

Is this not part of the problem of gentle parenting? Never shouting or showing your anger is lovely in a dream world. But in the real world that will happen, and if that is causing emotional distress in a preteen that leads to wetting the bed how the hell are they going to cope in this world.

Or are you meaning he could have done that in relation to something totally different?
**

TerribleMum10 · 03/02/2025 21:14

Thanks those of you who have shared kind words and understanding, it’s greatly appreciated. Apologies for the delayed response, we’ve been enjoying some quality time together as a family before the kids headed off to bed (without playing up tonight!).

Yes I probably did overreact a bit last night, and again today when I discovered his accident. It shook me, I’d never want to do anything to cause hurt to my kids as I’m sure none of us would.

DS1 is ok, we’ve had a bit of a cuddle and a heart to heart whilst his brother was showering. I’ve apologised for losing my cool, and despite his protestations reassured him that an accident is absolutely not something he needs to apologise for. Although both of them have apologised for messing around and winding me up, they understand why I got angry, and I think DS1 now understands that sometimes there can be unexpected consequences of his actions too.

He’s said it happened whilst he was asleep, he didn’t go to the loo before finally settling down as he was worried about coming out of his room again.He didn’t think he really needed to go, although it’s something he normally always does before bed and having never had an accident before it wasn’t something that occurred to him might happen. Then this morning he was so embarrassed that it had and didn’t know how to tell me which is why he left the note. He was scared his brother might find out and make fun of him or tell his friends.

He also knows that he can tell me if anything like that ever happens again, that I won’t shame or judge him, and will help keep it a secret. He understands that it would help if I was able to clean things up sooner, and also that it would have been a good idea for him to have a shower - he wanted to, but didn’t want to draw attention to himself as we usually shower in the evenings. Although I think we’re both fairly confident that it shouldn’t be a problem again, as he knows now that even if I ever do tell them not to leave their rooms he always can to go to the toilet, and I think what’s happened will be enough to make sure he doesn’t put himself in that position again where I need to shout and say that.

We’ve had a lovely evening playing a game, and they’ve both headed off to bed without any fuss, so hopefully we can now all put it behind us.

Thanks again for your kindness. And to those with only criticism to offer, I hope you never find yourself in such a position.

OP posts:
Brinkley22 · 03/02/2025 21:23

@TerribleMum10 what a lovely example of repair! And such important learning for him. Makes so much sense him not wanting his brother to find out and his hiding it and leaving a note because of that - and also the routine change which led to it. So good that you were able to figure all of that out together.
I think it’s about time you change your name on here!

lovemetomybones · 03/02/2025 21:26

Really glad everything is okay now. You absolutely did the right thing! X

Alltheyearround · 03/02/2025 22:35

Brinkley22 · 03/02/2025 19:44

@TerribleMum10 I totally get how you are feeling and love that you’re thinking about this carefully. Can’t believe some of the dismissive responses on here!
I love that you’re considering your role in this and also committed to not shaming him (but don’t beat yourself up, you sound like a great mum).
it sounds like something interrupted his normal routine and rhythm; whether that was the play before bedtime or the telling off.
if I were you, I would find a time to say to him that:

  • I really appreciated his note
  • he can tell me anything
  • wee accidents can happen to all of us!
  • if I ever say again to stay in his room all night I mean with the exception of needing a wee/an emergency

I’m sure I’ll get blasted for being too soft, but I don’t think it’s the time to go over the silliness last night (that can be discussed another time if it happens again). My main priority would be to reduce any feelings of embarrassment or shame and to let him know he can tell me anything.

good luck

Edited

100% this. That's a good idea, to build in the idea that no matter how embarrassing he can tell you whatever he wants to, you are a safe place to bring his worries to.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/02/2025 22:44

Glad all is sorted and made up /explained

sure it was a one off

Alltheyearround · 03/02/2025 22:44

@TerribleMum10 Sounds like you handled this really well. It's the repair that's really key, not the fact you lost it (hands up anyone who hasn't, you can polish your halo). You have modelled how to patch things up in a relationship when they have gone a bit pear shaped and he will learn from that. I sometimes think that when these things happen that's where the relationship builds even stronger bonds of trust and respect, as much if not more than when things all go swimmingly, IYFWIM.

He can learn to use a washing machine any old time (useful knowledge as he heads towards teens), but today's learning was more important, in my view.
You did a good job.

BunnyLake · 03/02/2025 22:57

SpeedyMcNobhead · 03/02/2025 17:32

Seriously….youd make your kid who had one random accident wash his pissy bedsheets? What-as a punishment for a one off he probably couldn’t even control? Aren’t you lovely?

Maybe standing over him with her arms crossed and a sucking on lemon expression while he sorts his ‘pissy’ sheets. Horrible attitude.

BunnyLake · 03/02/2025 23:04

KickHimInTheCrotch · 03/02/2025 20:32

My 10 yo would be getting an extra bollocking after school for not telling me he'd pissed the bed or attempting to clean it up.

Glad i was never your 10 year old.

TerribleMum10 · 04/02/2025 00:13

Thanks everyone, some very important and valuable lessons learned all around I think, and some amazing time spent together having fun as a result.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 04/02/2025 00:58

LongDarkTeatime · 03/02/2025 18:52

Really feeling for both of you.
You are human and have your limits.
He is a child who was behaving childishly (normal), found out he pushed the boundaries too hard and tried to make amends by not leaving his room, as told.
Your post tells me you love him and he loves you.
Showing him as an adult you can apologise to him will help him repair his self esteem.
I hope you’ve both had a lovely hug tonight.

All of this.

Glad you had a good evening, OP.

nolongersurprised · 04/02/2025 08:42

TerribleMum10 · 04/02/2025 00:13

Thanks everyone, some very important and valuable lessons learned all around I think, and some amazing time spent together having fun as a result.

why did the bed-wetting incident and its aftermath result in “amazing time spent together”?

What an odd way of describing it

FirstTimeMummyB · 04/02/2025 09:01

God some of the comments on this are awful. What horrible people, hope they aren’t parent’s themselves.

I think you sound like a very caring mum. Everyone gets pushed to their limit sometimes by children. Don’t beat yourself up!

at the same time I’m quite emotional and sensitive and this situation would have made me feel terrible too!

hopefully you’ve sorted by things by now, but just to add I think it’s very important for parents to apologise when wrong, but still explain to him why you got to the point you did.

these things happen, I’m sure he’ll be fine and so will you :) x

TerribleMum10 · 04/02/2025 10:27

nolongersurprised · 04/02/2025 08:42

why did the bed-wetting incident and its aftermath result in “amazing time spent together”?

What an odd way of describing it

I just meant that after a pretty awful evening and morning before, we’d had a lovely night spent together playing games and all getting on, the kids being good and me nice and calm.

I’m really lucky that my boys are normally well behaved and it’s rare we have a falling out, which is why it upset me so much that I’d snapped and everything ended up a bit of a mess.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 04/02/2025 10:58

TerribleMum10 · 04/02/2025 10:27

I just meant that after a pretty awful evening and morning before, we’d had a lovely night spent together playing games and all getting on, the kids being good and me nice and calm.

I’m really lucky that my boys are normally well behaved and it’s rare we have a falling out, which is why it upset me so much that I’d snapped and everything ended up a bit of a mess.

I can understand that. I also have a very good relationship with my two boys, never really falling out. Recently I snapped at my younger one and I felt awful because we just don’t have that kind of snappy relationship, we’re always bantering and having a laugh. It made no difference to the fact he’s twenty not ten, I still felt awful. All ok now but it really affected me after, I was upset with myself.

BunnyLake · 04/02/2025 10:59

nolongersurprised · 04/02/2025 08:42

why did the bed-wetting incident and its aftermath result in “amazing time spent together”?

What an odd way of describing it

Not odd at all. Why are you being so picky?

pavillion1 · 04/02/2025 11:06

ProustianMadeleine · 03/02/2025 15:53

What a load of absolute waffling nonsense. You cried because he pissed the bed. Please.

He was probably too tired after pratting about for so long at bedtime to wake up and go to the toilet when he needed to.

this

nolongersurprised · 04/02/2025 11:26

BunnyLake · 04/02/2025 10:59

Not odd at all. Why are you being so picky?

Maybe it’s the detailed description about the “piss” filled bed and night clothes.

nolongersurprised · 04/02/2025 11:38

The first post reads a bit grimly to me - boys mucking around, the older one has “matured” a lot then OMG piss-filled bedding, clothing and several references to her son’s “humiliation”. Anyway, I’ve reported it.

BunnyLake · 04/02/2025 11:59

nolongersurprised · 04/02/2025 11:26

Maybe it’s the detailed description about the “piss” filled bed and night clothes.

I can’t see where OP used the word piss. Which post was it?

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