Heartbroken that I’ve caused my DS10 embarrassment

[TerribleMum10]

NC because I've caused him enough humiliation without anybody on here who may know us in RL finding out.

My eldest DS is 10, nearly 11, and in Y6. Last night him and DS2 (just 9) were playing up something terrible when they were supposed to be in bed and going to sleep. Sneaking into each others rooms, in and out of the bathroom, winding each other up and generally just getting on my last nerve. They're not bad lads at all, the eldest in particular has really matured over the past 18 months so acting out like that was quite out of character. Not sure what caused it, maybe just caught his brother's silliness and lost control a bit, but either way they pushed me to the edge and after asking them calmly but firmly at least half a dozen times I'm afraid I did lose my cool and shout . Not something I ever usually resort to, and not something I'm proud of, but I made it very clear how angry they'd made me and that neither of them was to leave their room again until it was time to get up.

It seemed to do the trick, not another peep.

Of course by this morning I'd calmed down, and decided not to bring it up again. What's done is done, it's in the past and today's a new day and all that. DS1 was already up and dressed in his uniform when I went into wake him, which surprised me a little especially after the late night they'd ended up having, but it's not totally unheard of for him to wake early and amuse himself with a book so I didn't think much of it and we went on with our morning. DS2 was much harder to wake, and a little grumpy through being overtired, but nevertheless we were ready to head out to school on time. Just as we were heading out of the door DS1 remembered something he'd forgotten to pick up from his room and dashed upstairs for a minute.

After dropping them off at school I went to gather laundry from their rooms, and found a scribbled note on top of DS1's duvet which just said "Sorry Mum". Pulling the covers back, to my horror I found his sheets soaked with his PJs and pants screwed up in the middle. My poor boy had wet the bed!

Now DS doesn't have even occasional accidents and I honestly can't remember the last time he wet the bed, he must have been 5 or maybe even younger. And of course this was my fault, I'd lost my temper and forbidden them from leaving their rooms. I won't lie, I burst into tears when I realised what had happened and my heart absolutely broke for him that I'd caused this to happen.

I've been beating myself up all day about it, I can't imagine how embarrassed he must have been feeling this morning and despite that he actually wrote me a note to say sorry!

They're at an after school club at the moment, I'll be picking them up in an hour and I just want to give him a big hug and say how sorry I am, but I'm not sure how I'm going to do that without bursting into tears and without drawing DS2's attention to what happened too.

I just feel like a terrible mum! Yes they were playing me up, but I caused my son to be humiliated and that's on me.

I don't know what I'm looking for posting this, just an outlet I think to try and gather my thoughts and hopefully decide how to approach it and how to make sure I can never cause something like this again.

a fake post. Mums of boys need mighty vocal cords and some needs the husband on call also

I'd feel awful too OP. DS can be a so and so at bedtime and many a time I've had to say to him I don't want to see you leave your room until morning, I always caveat it with unless you need the toilet, but only because when I was young the first time I stayed at my paternal grandparents without my parents my brother was messing around a bit getting ready for bed, my gran was quite serious (not harsh or shouty but not cuddly and warm like my other gran) and she said right we don't do that here both to bed, no getting up until morning, I mean that. The door to the bedroom I was in was really creaky and the catch clicked loudly I desperately needed the toilet, but I was too scared to get up in case I got in trouble, and I ended up wetting myself. I was about 9 and mortified. My gran was fine about it the next day but I heard her whispering about it to my aunt the next day, that I was too old for that etc etc. I don't really know why I was scared, she never shouted at me or anything, I was a week behaved child and didn't like the idea of being on trouble I think. Should've taken a leaf out of my brother's book!

ETA I would chat with him, tell him not to worry about the bed, that he knows how to go to bed nicely, but even if you've said something like you did last night he will never be in trouble for getting up if he genuinely needs the toilet.

Wot. You can't shout at your child when he or she is not listening to you??

Agreed. Don’t believe a word of it.

never wished for a block feature on here more in my life.

That's a stretch! A 10 year old deliberately wet his own bed, and then had to sleep in it to prove a point to his mum?!

Do you mean that you think he wet the bed because he was too scared to leave his room because you told him not to? Is there a history of abuse here (not necessarily from you)? Are you omitting part of the story where you threatened him in some way? Was it really just shouting?

I don’t think most children would think being told to stay in their room after messing about means doing so at all costs including if they are at the point of wetting themselves? Does he usually take things very literally?

In this instance, I honestly don’t think I would have thought he was too afraid to go to the bathroom, I would have thought he had an accident in his sleep. You’ll need to discuss it with him. At almost 11, I think I’d be a bit cross with him that he didn’t do the sensible thing and go the toilet, even if I said stay in your room until morning. You obviously told him that to stop the messing about it, not as a punishment.

It seems more plausible than that he was too scared to go to the bathroom or so traumatised by his mum shouting at him that he did it in his sleep.

I think it's possible. A 10 year old knows the difference between getting out of bed to fuck about and getting out of bed for a genuine reason.

We aren't talking about a small child here.

Do you think he wet the bed cos you shouted at him - blimey, kids will be wetting the bed all over the country in that case!
If he thought you meant not to leave the room, then I would make it clear to him that's not what you were saying and he can go to the loo whenever.
But speak to him in private.

Yeah because kids that age who don't regularly wet the bed know exactly how to deal with that kind of situation.

@TerribleMum10 you only need to take DS1 aside and say you are sorry he got into such a state but that would all have been avoided if he had done what he is told - and staying in his room being quiet doesn’t mean he can’t go to the loo! Then have a hug and make up. I wrote my Mum a note when I was about that age after being a bit arsey at bed time. In the morning she’d replied saying she was sorry and she wasn’t feeling well (I had shouted at her, very out of character). I have never forgotten it … sometimes kids need to hear you!

I'd be pretty annoyed that my child had wet the bed and not told me. The stench.
You sound like the wettest of wet lettuce leaves and need to get a grip.

Good Thinking
lol

Oh wow the lack of empathy on here is staggering! I’d also feel bad OP, as if my child felt he couldn’t confide in me (I’m not saying this is your fault at all, but I’d be feeling similarly guilty). Also, people saying he should have stripped the bed, he is only 10, mortified, probably worried his little brother would find out and tease him, perhaps worried you’d be cross etc - all those judging, he is a child!! Give him a big cuddle and explain, he’ll just be glad to get some reassurance from you and you’ll be able to put this to rest tonight ♥️

Totally agree. When my kids are home from uni I still do their washing with everyone else's dirty laundry - why not! They are capable of doing it and do sometimes put a load on (and will help me hang it up if I ask), but it's nice to be waited on a bit when you've had a busy old term of it.
At 10 I don't think they knew how to run a load - and tbh I'm glad of it!

Ffs. He should’ve just got up and used the toilet and that’s what I’d be saying to him; minus the tears

He needs to have a shower or a bath. He probably stinks.

His uniform probably needs a wash too.

What did the boys drink in the afternoon or evening?

It's fine to shout at kids who are old enough to not be engaging in high jinks at bedtime because both would have understood it would be hard to get up in the morning. I'd have shouted well before you did tbf.

Maybe next time, make sure both boys use the loo before bed, and tell them they can use the loo if they need to, but waking each other or keeping each other up isn't on if they need to leave their rooms to pee.

Your son will be fine.

You will be fine.

Why do you feel bad? You are the parent and you had to tell them off. It comes with the job.

Kids wet the bed. Hopefully he now knows your boundaries when it comes to messing about in the evening.

I agree with what @Miranda1723 has written, and can completely empathise with how you're feeling. Some of the replies you're getting seem incredibly harsh. I'd be feeling the same as you in this situation.

I was clearly replying to a comment another poster made about having too high expatiations of 10 year old was unreasonable - I quoted what I was responding to.

The Op is overreacting - telling of your kids is normal - could it have gone better well yes - but now she needs move on - reassure him check there not an underlying reason and move on. That moving on may be reassurance and showing him how to use washing machine so he feel more in control if it happens again. This is a minor thing - soon forgotten by all.

It's not a huge dramatic moment that needs endless angst - I don't see how it at all helpful to encouraging that. It's a common problem - if it happens again may be UTI or something else and more action may need to be taken - many kids have it happen.

Frankly I have no idea why you felt need to finger wag at me - the desperate grasp for superiority parenting via predicated a-level grades was frankly a bit sad.

DS is predicted A* and As- we'll have to see if he gets them his teachers seem confident - but DD1 didn't get she was predicted - (possibly due to ADHD, Dyslexia and dyspraxia hard to say) - but she doing well at Uni and is a lovely young woman and liked by lecturers and peers and is getting extra experience in her field. So if your eldest doesn't bring home those grades - remember it's their grades not a reflection on you - and that they've likely still worked very hard.

Really feeling for both of you.
You are human and have your limits.
He is a child who was behaving childishly (normal), found out he pushed the boundaries too hard and tried to make amends by not leaving his room, as told.
Your post tells me you love him and he loves you.
Showing him as an adult you can apologise to him will help him repair his self esteem.
I hope you’ve both had a lovely hug tonight.

Yes, unless he has special needs, it is strange that this needs clarifying at all.

If this (wetting bed after years of nighttime dryness) is more than a one-off you should get him checked for diabetes.