Heartbroken that I’ve caused my DS10 embarrassment

[TerribleMum10]

NC because I've caused him enough humiliation without anybody on here who may know us in RL finding out.

My eldest DS is 10, nearly 11, and in Y6. Last night him and DS2 (just 9) were playing up something terrible when they were supposed to be in bed and going to sleep. Sneaking into each others rooms, in and out of the bathroom, winding each other up and generally just getting on my last nerve. They're not bad lads at all, the eldest in particular has really matured over the past 18 months so acting out like that was quite out of character. Not sure what caused it, maybe just caught his brother's silliness and lost control a bit, but either way they pushed me to the edge and after asking them calmly but firmly at least half a dozen times I'm afraid I did lose my cool and shout . Not something I ever usually resort to, and not something I'm proud of, but I made it very clear how angry they'd made me and that neither of them was to leave their room again until it was time to get up.

It seemed to do the trick, not another peep.

Of course by this morning I'd calmed down, and decided not to bring it up again. What's done is done, it's in the past and today's a new day and all that. DS1 was already up and dressed in his uniform when I went into wake him, which surprised me a little especially after the late night they'd ended up having, but it's not totally unheard of for him to wake early and amuse himself with a book so I didn't think much of it and we went on with our morning. DS2 was much harder to wake, and a little grumpy through being overtired, but nevertheless we were ready to head out to school on time. Just as we were heading out of the door DS1 remembered something he'd forgotten to pick up from his room and dashed upstairs for a minute.

After dropping them off at school I went to gather laundry from their rooms, and found a scribbled note on top of DS1's duvet which just said "Sorry Mum". Pulling the covers back, to my horror I found his sheets soaked with his PJs and pants screwed up in the middle. My poor boy had wet the bed!

Now DS doesn't have even occasional accidents and I honestly can't remember the last time he wet the bed, he must have been 5 or maybe even younger. And of course this was my fault, I'd lost my temper and forbidden them from leaving their rooms. I won't lie, I burst into tears when I realised what had happened and my heart absolutely broke for him that I'd caused this to happen.

I've been beating myself up all day about it, I can't imagine how embarrassed he must have been feeling this morning and despite that he actually wrote me a note to say sorry!

They're at an after school club at the moment, I'll be picking them up in an hour and I just want to give him a big hug and say how sorry I am, but I'm not sure how I'm going to do that without bursting into tears and without drawing DS2's attention to what happened too.

I just feel like a terrible mum! Yes they were playing me up, but I caused my son to be humiliated and that's on me.

I don't know what I'm looking for posting this, just an outlet I think to try and gather my thoughts and hopefully decide how to approach it and how to make sure I can never cause something like this again.

Hi OP,

you sound like a good Mum, everyone loses their cool at one time or another. And there’s a huge variation in maturity/ common sense at 10 years old. If this isn’t something that has happened regularly or for a long time I’d take it as him staying in the bedroom despite needing the toilet to avoid further telling off, especially if instructed not to leave. Equally he might have been sleeping when it happened, particularly if very tired from being up late and in a deep sleep.

Im a child psychologist, and I couldn’t care less if my 10 year old wet the bed as a one off. I personally wouldn’t approach this punitively and I can’t see how there would be any positive outcome from ‘having a word’ or expecting my son to clean up, particularly if he was feeling embarrassed and didn’t know what to do, which may well be the case if it’s uncommon for this to happen and if he’s a ‘young’ ten year old.

I would actually view this as a really good chance to him him a big hug, and to validate that maybe I had lost my temper and apologise, modelling taking accountability. Also to explain how proud I was that he had been able to leave a note, acknowledging that it must have been hard to do that. I would want to have a chat about it to break down any embarrassment and I would explain how he could help with tidying up if it happened again.

Shoving some clothes into a washing machine takes no time at all. Plenty of time to still be a kid.

@TerribleMum10 I totally get how you are feeling and love that you’re thinking about this carefully. Can’t believe some of the dismissive responses on here!
I love that you’re considering your role in this and also committed to not shaming him (but don’t beat yourself up, you sound like a great mum).
it sounds like something interrupted his normal routine and rhythm; whether that was the play before bedtime or the telling off.
if I were you, I would find a time to say to him that:

• I really appreciated his note
• he can tell me anything
• wee accidents can happen to all of us!
• if I ever say again to stay in his room all night I mean with the exception of needing a wee/an emergency

I’m sure I’ll get blasted for being too soft, but I don’t think it’s the time to go over the silliness last night (that can be discussed another time if it happens again). My main priority would be to reduce any feelings of embarrassment or shame and to let him know he can tell me anything.

good luck

I don't think it's overkill at all. I think doing everyone's laundry at 10 would be overkill but just there own? Not an issue.

Some of these responses are vile and make me feel sorry for your kids . Op please don’t beat yourself up we all snap eventually it’s hard work just have a private chat with him give him a cuddle and agree to forget it explaining next time toilet is a reason to leave his room x

How was he when you collected /spoke to him @TerribleMum10

If you upset him that bad over shouting because they were acting up then your son has bigger problems. I think you are over reacting and will cause him more upset.

Love this response.
I was just thinking that mum modelling changing and washing the bed sheets is non-shaming and reassuring for him; knowing that mum is there to help him sort out situations; both practically and emotionally.

He’ll take in how she has responded and know how it feels and then one day maybe he’ll be sorting out his own child’s wet sheets!
also, you could say, if it happens again, let me know and I can show you how to put the washing machine on.

I think the biggest thing here is to be non-shaming about it; children who are chastised or shamed or punished for wetting the bed (which is out of their control) can be deeply affected by this in the future

I don't think it should be left all for Mum to do because at 10 it was for Mum and Dad to do. Everyone doing there own washing wouldn't work in my house anyway as I don't have enough drying space. Both of mine do stuff for themselves when they have to so making food, loading the dishwasher because DH and I are both at work but one is 18, the other a young teen and that is totally age appropriate. At ten they were playing with Lego, tidied there room sometimes but not on my insistence, my youngest is just naturally organised and tidy.

A wet dream is pretty different 🙄

Clearly everyone doing their own laundry does work in some houses.

I don't see what's inappropriate about it. It's easy, doesn't take long and it leaves plenty of time to play with lego and tidy their rooms.

I'm actually quite taken aback reading these replies. I've been on MN for a long time, there really are some arseholes on this site lately

Christ what a melodramatic reaction!

This makes me feel sad to read. I don’t know if you’re being flippant or joking or whether you would actually talk this way to a child. Or maybe you are being inflammatory and hoping to get responses to your post.

I also hope that you don’t talk to yourself in such a punishing and harsh way when you make a mistake. Cos we all make mistakes don’t we?

and I hope other people in your life don’t talk to you like that.

After I had babies I had both bladder (and bowel!) incontinence for a time. I once peed all through my trousers and into my shoes leaving puddles in them. I arrived home wet and my partner put my trousers in the wash for me whilst I got sorted. He gave me a hug and we had a little laugh. I felt safe with him.

If he had told me to wash my own pissy trousers and to get a grip, I would have felt terrible.

Some people have a lot of empathy. I'm sure you could have found a nicer way to say what you wanted to say. You probably would if you had a little bit of empathy.

Only thing I would say is don't ignore what happened in the morning. Make it right. Rupture and repair but you've to do the repair bit if you feel it's necessary which it was if you acted out of character

My 10 yo would be getting an extra bollocking after school for not telling me he'd pissed the bed or attempting to clean it up.

Blimey I’m glad you weren’t my Mum! That’s vicious.

I don’t get the need to make this a big thing. No wonder he feels embarrassed. Wee, blood, sick happen. Deal with it matter of factly and move on. Once they get to about ten they can be included in the cleaning up not to rub salt in the wound but just because it is a task that needs doing and they can help and learn how to do the task.

I would say when he got home “I saw you had an accident last night, if it happens again, let me know when it happens so I can strip and change the bed while you wash yourself/have a quick shower”. But, as I mentioned previously, if this happens a few times it would be wise to check for diabetes. Night time accidents after being dry can be a symptom of this.

194 posts and no reply from OP.

Hmmmmmmm

I think you need to look up what a "wet dream" is.

I don’t see how you’ve caused him to wet the bed??? Do you mean you’ve upset him so much he’s wet the bed or he couldn’t tell you because you told him to stay in bed? I don’t get it. Either way I think you’re clutching at straws. He’s had an accident and he’s too embarrassed to tell you. Could be a wet dream? Maybe have a chat with him about that.. tell him not to be embarrassed to tell you if he wets the bed and explain you were cross because of the messing about. I think you sound quite soft! I shout a fair amount. You seem to have shouted and then crucified yourself over it..

I've done worse .... just let it pass. Least said and all that ...If they are good at bedtime this evening, dish out some praise.

I wouldn’t feel this was my fault at all. Might feel bad for him that he wet the bed, but that’s all. Not proud of yourself that you shouted? Sounds like they deserved to be shouted at for messing about. Maybe you telling them off might make them take you more seriously in future.
I would actually be a bit annoyed at DS for leaving his bed in that state, he knows he made a mess of his covers, then let it all soak into his duvet and mattress for you to with.
I suspect you won’t be firm though tell them they deserved the telling of they got last night and perhaps now they can go to bed sensibly from now on. I mean you could tell DS it’s ok that he wet the bed but you wish he’d dealt with it or told you rather than just leaving it.
However I suspect you’ll be a wet blanket and apologise for shouting, meaning that your DSs will take advantage and wind you up again.
Reap what you sow I guess.
Sorry haven’t read updates if there are any.

@KickHimInTheCrotch Do you understand that by ‘bollocking’ him for not telling you, he would be unlikely to ever talk to you in the future about anything he was worried about or scared about or felt ashamed about? He’d hide stuff more!