Heartbroken that I’ve caused my DS10 embarrassment

[TerribleMum10]

NC because I've caused him enough humiliation without anybody on here who may know us in RL finding out.

My eldest DS is 10, nearly 11, and in Y6. Last night him and DS2 (just 9) were playing up something terrible when they were supposed to be in bed and going to sleep. Sneaking into each others rooms, in and out of the bathroom, winding each other up and generally just getting on my last nerve. They're not bad lads at all, the eldest in particular has really matured over the past 18 months so acting out like that was quite out of character. Not sure what caused it, maybe just caught his brother's silliness and lost control a bit, but either way they pushed me to the edge and after asking them calmly but firmly at least half a dozen times I'm afraid I did lose my cool and shout . Not something I ever usually resort to, and not something I'm proud of, but I made it very clear how angry they'd made me and that neither of them was to leave their room again until it was time to get up.

It seemed to do the trick, not another peep.

Of course by this morning I'd calmed down, and decided not to bring it up again. What's done is done, it's in the past and today's a new day and all that. DS1 was already up and dressed in his uniform when I went into wake him, which surprised me a little especially after the late night they'd ended up having, but it's not totally unheard of for him to wake early and amuse himself with a book so I didn't think much of it and we went on with our morning. DS2 was much harder to wake, and a little grumpy through being overtired, but nevertheless we were ready to head out to school on time. Just as we were heading out of the door DS1 remembered something he'd forgotten to pick up from his room and dashed upstairs for a minute.

After dropping them off at school I went to gather laundry from their rooms, and found a scribbled note on top of DS1's duvet which just said "Sorry Mum". Pulling the covers back, to my horror I found his sheets soaked with his PJs and pants screwed up in the middle. My poor boy had wet the bed!

Now DS doesn't have even occasional accidents and I honestly can't remember the last time he wet the bed, he must have been 5 or maybe even younger. And of course this was my fault, I'd lost my temper and forbidden them from leaving their rooms. I won't lie, I burst into tears when I realised what had happened and my heart absolutely broke for him that I'd caused this to happen.

I've been beating myself up all day about it, I can't imagine how embarrassed he must have been feeling this morning and despite that he actually wrote me a note to say sorry!

They're at an after school club at the moment, I'll be picking them up in an hour and I just want to give him a big hug and say how sorry I am, but I'm not sure how I'm going to do that without bursting into tears and without drawing DS2's attention to what happened too.

I just feel like a terrible mum! Yes they were playing me up, but I caused my son to be humiliated and that's on me.

I don't know what I'm looking for posting this, just an outlet I think to try and gather my thoughts and hopefully decide how to approach it and how to make sure I can never cause something like this again.

I was born here but culturally I’m not British. Why?

'These days' not this BS again. I think it is absolutely fine for a parent to question their actions as they absolutely don't get it right all the time. The worst parents are always, always the ones who are arrogant and stubborn and no self reflection arises. I have teenagers, one of whom is an adult both really successful, well behaved eldest on track for A*s and As at A level. Without questions IMO anecdotal experience the kids who are really badly behaved in teenage years are the ones with the parents who are strict, arrogant and have no emotional connection with their DC.

I have perfectly adjusted teenagers one of whom is an adult they are well aware what the world is like, they don't have any issues at all.

You certainly come across as more Trunchbull than Mary Poppins.

To wash or not to wash is irrelevant, because op has not in her post mentioned that her son a.) has this skill or b.) this is a frequent issue. On the face of it, it seems like it's the first time this has happened so suggesting he should whip off the sheets and do a hot wash is just unhelpful, ridiculous advice.

As to the person who claimed that the lack of empathy should be aimed at op due to the fact she is a 'drama queen' is another example of toxicity on here.

Op is upset by her own admission of her reaction from the previous night, she's now worried about the impact it's had on her child. These are reasonable thoughts and by no means drama queen behaviour.

So the people who pride themselves on 'harsh truths' and 'viper' behaviour can go back in their box. 📦

You shouted at your child. So what?! He was acting up and needs to learn people's limits.

If he's traumatised from you shouting, you haven't helped him build any resilience and you're setting him up for a life of trauma in the real world.

Also at 10 he should not be leaving a urine soaked bed and pyjamas for you to 'find' he is not 5.
He needs to take the sheets off and put them in wash in future (I say this as a child who wet the bed a few times myself) this is basic hygiene and care.

Of course parent don't get it right all the time - but telling OP telling her misbehaving 10 year old off or her having expectations that he'd go to bed when told are too high is fucking insane and frankly unpleasant bullshit.

I have successful teens as well (incidentally my current A-level one is also on tack for A* and A - so that' not the impressive flex you think it is ) but in my social circle it was the parents scared of saying no - who thought indulgence was the same as an emotional connection who come a cropper in teens years.

Maybe your circle was different - but it's still fucking shit that posters are having a go at OP for doing what most normal parents do ie telling off misbehaving kid - she did nothing wrong here - and shouldn't be made to feel like she has.

Gosh the man hating on MN is ridiculous, even extending to young boys now. Some of you really need to work on yourselves clearly.

OP, you've had some good advice in amongst all the unnecessary bashing comments. I think you now know what your next steps are.

OP seems lovely and this appears to be a one-off, so this isn't aimed at her.

Regularly shouting at your dc will have an impact for the rest of their life. Literally ask around your friends whose parents shouted at them a lot, and ask how it affected them.

It's pathetic not to control yourself around children. The very lowest form of bullying.

Are you one of those sort of people they just hang around waiting to post a shitty comment to make people feel worse than they already do. I genuinely hope you don't have children and don't act like this to them if you do. I bet you in real life you are a bully or somebody that is just bitching about others because you have nothing else better to do.

Did you not read the thread?

Me too, been here since 2009. Shocked at some of the heartless comments here today. If you haven't got anything productive to say, just skip past. Jeez.
She's just a mum trying to do her best here.

Yes, it sounds like he did it to make a point to his mum.

It isn't ''man hating'' to have certain expectations of a child old enough to know better, especially if it would be the same for a girl too.

Far from 'having a go' at the OP, many of us are arguing that feeling bad about it is not unhealthy, it is not 'dramatic', it is what it is, pretty normal reaction as far as I am concerned, to question your parenting skills. The people who are belittling her doubts are the ones who are being unkind.

I don't think being a parent has a rule book and your references to indulging children and that equating to difficult teenagers, is frankly, IMO, over simplistic. Indulging your own kids is fine on occasion, who cares, I think you get an emotional connection from not being beholdent to rules and routines all of the time!

My kids would be wetting the bed all the time if they did it every time I lost my cool 🤣🤣 honestly don’t beat yourself up we’re all human. Just give him a big hug and all will be ok.

You sound ridiculous and I very much doubt you have children.

I'm not sure how I'm going to do that without bursting into tears and without drawing DS2's attention to what happened too.
very ott reaction from
you, just clean it and change bed, no need to say anything; that will embarrass him

You didn’t cause him to wet the bed. He wasn’t so terrified of leaving his bedroom to go to the bathroom that he pissed himself. He would have just gone in a corner of the room not in his actual bed! He probably didn’t wake up because he was knackered from pratting around. I wouldn’t give it a seconds more thought

Could not have worded that better !!👏

Exactly.

yes

You aren’t a terrible mum.

They behaved badly, they got the consequences. it was your ds1’s own fault that he was told not to leave his room.

Change the bed and forget about it.

Just apologise for shouting and make sure his bed is freshly laundered and ready for him.

Nobody wants to be a shouty (and from his reaction, scary) parent, but you’d be a pretty unusual one if you got through his childhood without raising your voice.

I wouldn’t apologise for getting angry because they were messing about, but I would say in private don’t worry about the bed wetting it’s all sorted.