Not sure how to help wife?

[TheBlueRaccoon]

Looking for a bit of advice.

My wife and I have just had a baby. First and foremost, he is amazing and so is my wife.

I’m having a real issue with how to help my wife.
she is breastfeeding, so is naturally tired, but she won’t take opportunities to sleep when she can.

We are mix feeding, as she feels that she isn’t making enough for the baby, which I’m completely fine with and never had a problem with, but she won’t feee him bottles through the night or she won’t express milk so I can’t feed him at night, but it constantly feels like she resents me for sleep (sort of) during that time.

I will wake up before work and take him so she can get a few hours uninterrupted sleep in and a shower in peace. Sometimes she takes that opportunity more often than not she won’t.
I do the housework if I’m not working or with the baby, or I’ll say to leave it until a day I finish early (I usually get back after 10pm so can’t put the vac on that time) but again, she won’t. I do the cooking on the days I’m back early enough to do so. I’m really trying and if there’s anything else I can do I’ll do it.

It feels like she’s trying to be a hero, but the result is both of us getting less sleep.

Her timing of things just feels off. For example, She’ll want to shower when the baby wants feeding, but I have nothing to feed him with - no expressed milk or no formula I’ll suggest getting a bottle ready just in case and she’s not keen on the idea, then I end up with a hungry screaming baby for the next 40 mins with no way to feed him. I feel utterly useless and it’s horrible watching him cry as I try everything to calm him but the one thing he wants I can’t give him.

Things like this happen all throughout the day and I'm stood there thinking “why didn’t you do this when he was asleep?”

I’m not getting anywhere near the amount of sleep she thinks I’m getting and I know both of us could be getting more if we did things a touch differently. It’s gotten to the point where I feel guilty for sleeping. So I jump myself awake if I hear her coming into the room.

we’ll go to appointments with midwives, health visitors and they’ll tell us things to try or things we could be doing and she doesn’t want to try them, then acts like I’m an idiot for suggesting what they’ve suggested.

Our lives are more difficult than they need to be and I can’t see why she can’t see it.

She is an amazing mum and wife, I’ve tried to be supportive but everything I say is taking as criticism or a dig when it’s not. It’s driving me up the wall.

I thought it could be a bit if PPD but I tried to raise it and it didn’t go well.

Any advice is appreciated.

Why are you working so late? Your hours are ridiculous if you're getting home at 10pm.

Have you had a conversation with her and attempted to work out a schedule? Have you asked her what she needs?

You say you're mixed feeding yet there's no formula with which to feed the baby. Perhaps it's a good idea to buy some and then you can feed the baby while your wife showers.

She's obviously absolutely exhausted. It goes without saying that you do what it takes to make her life easier. Do the laundry, do the food shopping, take over as much as you can to give her a break.

How difficult is it??

Laundry, cooking, cleaning, picking shit up off the floor, making sure the car is filled with gas, etc etc etc

Why can't you sort formula?

That’s just my shifts with a decent commute either side. I don’t start until the afternoon some days and that’s when I’ll take the baby downstairs around 6:00 so she can get some uninterrupted sleep for a few hours.

I have tried to talk to her but she says a schedule doesn’t work for her brain and has to do things as and when and go with the flow, so that’s what I’ve tried to do.

We always have formula in, she’s just not keen on me using it. I think she feels like she’s failing because she should be able to give what he needs. For me, planning the bottles for times she needs to herself would work better. Like one for when she showers, one for a night feed so I can do it etc, but she doesn’t like planning things out like that.

I feel like there’s nothing else I can take over - except the things she really could do with and that’s breast feeding.

Off to a flying start with MN bingo on this thread 😂

Wow, rude.

I’m doing that. That stuff is obvious. I came here for some insight in other things I could be doing that I may have missed.

I did general chores before the baby was born.

The unhelpful smart Alec - full house!

OP you sound like a good husband and a good father but you are a man so posters will be quick to point out that you’re an idiot/lazy/misogynist. I hope you get some good advice in amongst it though. And don’t take it personally - it happens to every man.

I can, it’s only certain times she’ll agree to it others she won’t.

@TheBlueRaccoon YOU'RE rude. You come here asking for advice and like third post you already know it all and are talking down to women trying to help you.
I can already see why your wife is having problems with you.

The first few posts were rude and aggressive.

OP what you're saying doesn't make sense. Your wife doesn't like planning ahead? She doesn't like schedules? She is happy for the baby to go hungry for 40 minutes because she doesn't like 'planning' formula and doesn't like you making it up.

According to you, you're doing the majority of household chores and taking the baby before work so she can rest. I'm not sure how you can help more.

OP - get some pre-made formula which comes in small cartons at the supermarket. It's an absolute god send. You can't let baby cry with hunger while your wife's in the shower. It's mega stressful on the pair of you.

Newborn phase is extremely difficult and very tough on relationships in my view.

@TheBlueRaccoon I think I’ve been your wife in this situation.

For a start you have to remember that her hormones are all over the place and she’s sleep deprived. So what feels obvious to you (shower when the baby is asleep) doesn’t feel obvious to her.

I can only speak from my own perspective. I needed someone fully on my side who will back the decisions I’m making and do his best to make things happen. My DH would say ‘oh the baby was crying because she’s hungry’ but she wasn’t hungry - she just wanted held in a specific way (that he hadn’t bothered to learn from me) or needed a sleep (putting her in the harness and either dancing to music or walking outside did the trick). Watch and learn from your wife how to soothe your baby.

I’d also back what others here are saying - the mental load of knowing the laundry is there, the dishwasher needs emptying, the place needs a clean etc is heavy. Don’t ask her what needs done - just take ownership. Also I imagine she may be struggling to eat properly when you’re at work for long stretches. When DH would prep a lunch or dinner so I just had to heat, it was like magic. It’s difficult to ask for this help as a) tired brain and b) she knows you’re out all day so need a break too.

Sleep wise you’re doing the best thing by giving her time to sleep in the morning. If you’ve agreed combi feeding then feed him if he’s hungry during that time rather than wait for her to wake up.

Have confidence that you can do this and get things done. And give her grace during this time that she may not always react how you want - take it on the chin and don’t let it stop you. You got this!

How on earth was I rude?

I don’t know it all at all, or I wouldn’t be here!

when some replies

“how difficult is it??”

Then mentions stuff like cooking and cleaning which I’ve said in my original post I already do.

To me, it’s obvious. I live in the house, I make the mess too, so I clean it. I always have.

Not all men are ignorant and lazy.

This person spoke down to me with the first line of their reply and the “picking shit up off the floor” line, but that’s okay to talk to me like that? Isnt respect mutual?

I’ve never posted on here before and trying to make things better for wife, the baby and myself.

she won’t feee him bottles through the night or she won’t express milk so I can’t feed him at night, but it constantly feels like she resents me for sleep (sort of) during that time.

Yeah she probably will. You'll have to suck that up. Expressing is tiring and a massive time drain too, not the quick fix some think.

I will wake up before work and take him so she can get a few hours uninterrupted sleep in and a shower in peace. Sometimes she takes that opportunity more often than not she won’t.

Yeah she should, but is she actually able to sleep? The adrenaline/ cortisol make it hard to just drop off and some women are on very high alert with a new baby. It might be that she can't not won't.

Her timing of things just feels off. For example, She’ll want to shower when the baby wants feeding, but I have nothing to feed him with - no expressed milk or no formula I’ll suggest getting a bottle ready just in case and she’s not keen on the idea, then I end up with a hungry screaming baby for the next 40 mins with no way to feed him. I feel utterly useless and it’s horrible watching him cry as I try everything to calm him but the one thing he wants I can’t give him.

That's not nice for you but women have to soothe screaming babies who won't stop crying sometimes even though we do have tits. It's part of the deal of having a baby sadly. Maybe she just snapped and needed a shower right them. You do come across like you always know better and that's probably annoying for her. I expect it's annoying to be told she needs to arrange things to minimise your discomfort. Holding a crying baby isn't useless. They are less stressed when held even if they cry just as much. Breastfed babies want to feed and want the breast pretty much all the time. Sometimes the mother has to take a moment anyway.

I’m not getting anywhere near the amount of sleep she thinks I’m getting

Why not? Fix that so you can be more helpful.

I know both of us could be getting more if we did things a touch differently
But she'll lose supply if she keeps letting you feed the baby, don't you understand that? Especially at night. Have you read up on how breastfeeding works? Night feeds create more milk. Fewer feeds, less milk. Fine if she's not bothered, but if she wants to keep breastfeeding at all your suggestions are actively unhelpful.

we’ll go to appointments with midwives, health visitors and they’ll tell us things to try or things we could be doing and she doesn’t want to try them, then acts like I’m an idiot for suggesting what they’ve suggested.
Like what? They're not always great re BF and they don't know everything.

Our lives are more difficult than they need to be and I can’t see why she can’t see it.
Because she's tired? Or maybe you're not actually right?

She is an amazing mum and wife, I’ve tried to be supportive but everything I say is taking as criticism or a dig when it’s not. It’s driving me up the wall.

Yeah well, you need to be a bit patient. She's just been through birth and is doing something exhausting and difficult. She probably does feel criticised. I think your tone here is quite critical and you've already criticised the advice of women replying.

It's not enough to slap "my wife is amazing" on that. You don't sound like you think she's amazing.

It’s driving me up the wall.
Deprioritise yourself. That's what she's having to do and what you will both have to do to an extent for many years.

@TheBlueRaccoon so you walk into a forum you've never posted on and know nothing about, ask for input then get rude (yes you were. "I'm doing that. That stuff is obvious." Arsey as fuck.) If you looked you'd see everyone talks to everyone like that on here. Not nice sometimes but it's not compulsory to be here, the women on here certainly don't give female posters an easy ride, it can be brutal. Then get the hump because you don't feel you were sufficiently respected.

It doesn’t make sense to me. That’s why I’m so frustrated and at a loss of what to do.

I wouldn’t say she’s happy for baby to hungry for 40 mins, but that’s the way it can end up at times from lack of planning.

she doesn’t mind me making it up and trusts I’m doing it right, but it’s not always she wants me to give the baby formula. As I say I think she feels guilty that her breast milk isn’t enough.

I think maybe your wife is not thinking clearly with the lack of sleep, if she's unwilling to adjust to a schedule or take on advice from HVs/midwives etc.

I think you may have to be proactive if baby if suffering, rather than trying to stick to what she wants all the time. Keep some ready made formula on hand (expensive I know) so that if baby needs it when she's having a shower then you can make it up quickly without upsetting her. She shouldn't be leaving you with nothing to feed baby. If you have any other specific examples then maybe we can help with solutions.

I understand where she is coming from. I felt I failed at breastfeeding too - it's devastating and I can see why she feels she needs to be in more control with everything else and may want to reject advice. If she has PPD on top of sleep deprivation too it's very hard and I sympathise. The first few months are so hard and you have to hang in there and keep trying. Most mums find their rhythm at some point but it sounds like she needs more support. Does she have family or close friends you could express concern to and who can support her as well?

Is it actually hunger though. Easy to presume that but it isn't always.

Thank you. Not sure if I’ll be back as I feel worse than I did before I posted 😅

You sound like a good husband and father and it is your baby too. You have the right to make the formula and give it to him if he’s hungry. Your wife shouldn’t be leaving the baby screaming for 40 minutes while she showers, that’s crazy. Sounds like she’s exhausted and not thinking clearly.

I too am someone who had issues with breastfeeding and felt guilty about giving my baby formula but my mother made me quickly realise that the baby comes before me feelings. Please. Feed. The. Baby.

It’s more about when she’s okay with formula vs breast than the formula itself I think. (If that makes sense) I don’t know where I stand.

This is just life with a new baby. No amount of planning and scheduling really makes a difference against the relentlessness and exhaustion of those first few months. Just keep the baby and yourselves alive and remember that this is temporary.

Well you have to start with meeting the physical needs first don't you. 🙄 Has the baby been fed, do I need to change the nappy, before you try other things.