Not sure how to help wife?

[TheBlueRaccoon]

Looking for a bit of advice.

My wife and I have just had a baby. First and foremost, he is amazing and so is my wife.

I’m having a real issue with how to help my wife.
she is breastfeeding, so is naturally tired, but she won’t take opportunities to sleep when she can.

We are mix feeding, as she feels that she isn’t making enough for the baby, which I’m completely fine with and never had a problem with, but she won’t feee him bottles through the night or she won’t express milk so I can’t feed him at night, but it constantly feels like she resents me for sleep (sort of) during that time.

I will wake up before work and take him so she can get a few hours uninterrupted sleep in and a shower in peace. Sometimes she takes that opportunity more often than not she won’t.
I do the housework if I’m not working or with the baby, or I’ll say to leave it until a day I finish early (I usually get back after 10pm so can’t put the vac on that time) but again, she won’t. I do the cooking on the days I’m back early enough to do so. I’m really trying and if there’s anything else I can do I’ll do it.

It feels like she’s trying to be a hero, but the result is both of us getting less sleep.

Her timing of things just feels off. For example, She’ll want to shower when the baby wants feeding, but I have nothing to feed him with - no expressed milk or no formula I’ll suggest getting a bottle ready just in case and she’s not keen on the idea, then I end up with a hungry screaming baby for the next 40 mins with no way to feed him. I feel utterly useless and it’s horrible watching him cry as I try everything to calm him but the one thing he wants I can’t give him.

Things like this happen all throughout the day and I'm stood there thinking “why didn’t you do this when he was asleep?”

I’m not getting anywhere near the amount of sleep she thinks I’m getting and I know both of us could be getting more if we did things a touch differently. It’s gotten to the point where I feel guilty for sleeping. So I jump myself awake if I hear her coming into the room.

we’ll go to appointments with midwives, health visitors and they’ll tell us things to try or things we could be doing and she doesn’t want to try them, then acts like I’m an idiot for suggesting what they’ve suggested.

Our lives are more difficult than they need to be and I can’t see why she can’t see it.

She is an amazing mum and wife, I’ve tried to be supportive but everything I say is taking as criticism or a dig when it’s not. It’s driving me up the wall.

I thought it could be a bit if PPD but I tried to raise it and it didn’t go well.

Any advice is appreciated.

Also when you say 'for want of lack of planning', you can't plan, it's totally unrealistic to ask your wife to plan that way, you have to go with it. If we could all plan, schedule and predict what babies would do, having babies would be a LOT easier 😂.

This is it OP. This is the best comment I've read on here. Totally agree with everything in it.

You're the babies parent too.
If you're holding a screaming hungry baby, she won't breast feed him, then you feed him formula. You are allowed to make decisions.

The problem with needing her permission and her say so is that she becomes responsible for all the thinking. You take that off her plate.

I'm on my second baby, and father, so I've learnt some things. My ex was not hands on, I was in charge of all the doing and thinking and it was so incredibly hard. DP is amazing. He's a fantastic father, and I make an active effort to leave some thinking to him. If I disagree I'll remind myself he's his dad too and I'll just say "OK I trust your judgement" becuase i do.

You need to encourage her to do that. "I was in sole charge of my baby. My judgement as his father was that he needed food, so I fed him. Im a good dad, you can trust me to care for my baby." Just like you change his nappy without needing to be told or asking if she thinks his nappy needs changing.

I'll add: consider what the birth was like. It took me decades to understand that a very traumatic birth (posterior position, baby corkscrewed down the birth canal) with no pain relief and indescribable pain which had me nearly passing out between contractions, left me utterly traumatised.

To begin a newborn phase like that is inhumane.

Your wife may have had a relatively straightforward birth, or not. Your post doesn't say. But if there was anything traumatic in it, she may be suffering PTSD from the birth. Now her entire being has been changed to focus entirely on a new baby. That's indescribably hard for anyone.

Supporting her 100%, taking 100% of the domestic load while she focuses on baby during this phase, I think is the best approach you could take.

It won't last forever.

I really struggled with breastfeeding my first baby, so I empathise with some of this! My husband also really struggled with how to help me and I know that's a horrible feeling. It sounds like you're doing a lot of things right. Keep it up with doing as much housework as possible and be proactive and take the advice of pps to plan and make meals, etc. Breastfeeding is quite an overwhelming undertaking at times. I personally got very "touched out" and sometimes would just need to run and have a shower. Sometimes babies do just cry, so I agree with a previous poster that you might just need to learn and utilise other soothing techniques as needed because babies aren't always starving. It'll be harder for you at specific times because your wife could calm the baby in an instant by breastfeeding (as it meets baby's needs in multiple ways at once, e.g., cuddle, milk, etc.), but she sometimes (as you know) will need to step away from it all! Is it possible your wife doesn't actually want to give the baby any formula, but that she's not fully confident in her breastfeeding? (I'm going to quickly point out that there's nothing wrong with formula!) I felt very uncomfortable giving my first baby formula as I just wanted to breastfeed but I also was worried about not making enough milk. Perhaps if your wife wants to exclusively breastfeed and is feeling uncertain about making enough milk, she is feeling uncomfortable with giving the baby formula and so why she isn't able to tell you how much formula the baby should have. Sorry if I've misunderstood this bit around the baby not having formula during the shower. (Do also remember this is very new to both of you and she's also figuring out what she's doing!) Formula also contributes to milk supply decreasing (as the baby isn't telling your body to make more milk), so again why she might be hesitant. Perhaps asking if she'd like to see a lactation consultant could be a helpful thing (and finding a local and highly qualified one first who does home visits so you have all the logistics organised first). I really benefited from an expert helping me with my breastfeeding. Lastly, remember that babies won't necessarily conform to your schedule and you might be unintentionally putting pressure on your wife by wondering why she's not planning better (I'm thinking of the shower comment). Breastfed babies feed best on demand and if your baby is anything like mine, sleep isn't the easiest either! Keep talking to each other and this too shall pass!

People need to work to pay for their lives. Unfortunately, some people have to work unsociable hours to do so. This is not his fault. He is bringing in a wage to help support his family.

He has said he is doing all of the above. She is not co operating. He is stuck and asking what else he can do.

They are both exhausted.

Op you're supporting her as much as you can, she needs to help communicate what she needs more. Just keep doing what you're doing. See a job, do the job.

If baby is under 4 wks old, you need to use the pre made bottle formula. Keep some on hand and the unused in the fridge for up to 24hrs. Make sure you have sterilised bottles etc on hand. Shake a pour formula into bottle (not sure how you're using your wife, Will let you know if it's a 10 ml etc top up or 30ml feed) stand in a bowl of hot water for a few seconds to take the chill off.

If using expressed same as above. Except you swirl the milk to mix, don't shake.

If everything is prepped and ready, you can have a bottle sorted in under 2mins.

For what’s it’s worth you have had some really rude comments!

My baby is 10 weeks so equally in the newborn phase. I breastfeed and it is hard but just to reiterate a few things that I appreciate from my husband (you are doing chores already which is huge)!!

Making sure I have my water bottle around/anything else I need.

For our first born, overnight my husband would get up and do the nappy then hand over to me. That was helpful.

Taking the baby to burp/wind.

Just keeping me company and having a chat!

Its really hard for the husband in the first few month as in reality there isn’t much that they can do. Yes I wish I was sleeping like my husband but I know in a few month, his time will come and before you know it you’ll have a toddler that will demand their dad!!

Good luck- this phase is short and daddy duties are just round the corner!!

If you are still reading OP, I would invest in an easy to wear carrier. My baby always settled for dad in the ergobaby embrace, we had a close caboo for my first but my husband had no patience for it. If you think baby is genuinely hungry offer 30ml of formula, it’s not going to ruin your wife’s breastfeeding journey and she might be happy to come down to a content baby.
Breastfeeding women are hungry and thirsty a lot so fill up her water bottle, prepare some meals and snacks for the fridge. Take her some fruit in the morning, make her feel looked after!

OP I don't have time to read the full thread but for the record, I didn't think you were rude at all. The very nature of your post asking for help suggested you were not.

I saw some good advice posted above. I would try to do the thinking around the house so that she doesn't have to - eg buy some ready meals, roll up clean muslins and wipes ready to grab so it's easy to pack baby bag when you need to leave the house in a hurry, etc. She will remember you being as helpful as possible when you both get your heads above water in a couple of months.

It gets easier.

Mine cried for more than 40 minutes aaalllllllll the time. Even with the breast being offered constantly.

Even if the baby was hungry, with the detachment of it not being my baby I say if it was a one off and that delayed feed allowed an overwhelmed new mother to have a shower and gather herself then that's fine. She could've been at the dentist or getting her stitches checked or something - delayed feeds happen. I'm sure it's not a regular occurrence, this is clearly a baby with two devoted parents who care deeply about his well-being, he's going to be fine.

It sounds like she is trying really hard to maintain breastfeeding and so wanting to avoid formula as much as possible, but occasionally giving it when she's too exhausted to feed or express. Then feeling guilty. It's really hard in the first few months to maintain supply without feeding on demand round the clock (ie not on a schedule) which is why she may be resistant to planning bottles and feeds, she may want to let baby say when they're hungry but then that mistimes with when she is having a few minutes or hours to themselves. Expressing on top of feeding is honestly exhausting, I can see why she is struggling to fit that in and if she is worried about supply may just not get a lot of expressed milk when she does try. If she wants to maintain supply the overnight feeds are key, but when you do them all you are so so tired and yes you do resent your partner even if its your choice and preference to keep going this way. I know i did and my partner just had to suck it up, he was able to help more at night later on and deep down i knew any resentment was not because of any lack of effort on his part. my advice would be to read up about how breastfeeding works and have a more open conversation about how she would like to continue and how you can support whatever feeding goals she has. Also if you are not doing so already, keep telling her how amazing she is doing and showing her that you will support whatever approach she wants to take. She will be feeling guilty that feeding is harder than you both anticipated and as though she needs to prove herself. Best of luck, I think you sound like you genuinely want to help any way you can and yes I agree that previous responses were a tad hostile. I would add that we all would have got more sleep if I had stopped breastfeeding and allowed my partner to do more feeds but this was not my priority at the time, it may have seemed illogical but continuing to BF was more important to me than lack of sleep. Only she will know when it may be time to embrace more mixed feeding or stop entirely and she needs to feel empowered to make the right decision for her

OP, I'm sorry some posters have been rude and aggressive. I thought your post was entirely reasonable, but because you're a man, some people will always be rude.
Honestly, I think you're doing a lot already. You're working full time, helping with the feeds, doing housework when you're not working, and taking the baby when your wife sleeps in the morning. This is a lot more help than I got. I'm not complaining about DH. He worked really long hours to support us.
The first months of parenthood are tough, and you just middle through.

No, you're being rude.

Agree with above!

so sorry you are getting a hard time, you sound like a supportive caring husband. Parenting is new to both of you and it doesn't come with an instruction manual.

Some great suggestions here. A couple things that spring to mind.
When I was breastfeeding it was insanely boring and lonely especially during the night. My husband got me a smart tv for the bedroom so I could watch Netflix while I fed the baby. Make sure she has access to drinks/snacks/tissues/remote control while she's feeding. Could you do the nappy change before/after?
she will resent you when she sees you sleeping I'm afraid, I don't think any new mum wouldn't but I think that's a normal human emotion and it will pass.

I am sure you have but tell her how proud you are/impressed/ whatever term you would normally use. Tell her you love trying to help and ask her to tell you if you can do anything differently. If she does don't be offended even if it seems bonkers. Her hormones and the tiredness can equate to being a bit irrational. In time this will get better.

Have you thought of going for a walk while she's showering? Baby wearing in a sling is comforting to baby and bonding for you. You could walk round the block and she might feel fresher and happy to take baby for a feed when you get back.

If she does have PPD then that's common and normal and nothing for her to be ashamed over, do you have a supportive health visitor who you can speak to together?

These times will pass and one day you will look back and say wow, how did we get through this!

good luck x

Buy some pre-made formula to give in emergency. If you are responsible for the baby you decide if he gets fed. If this is genuinely true that she goes on shower for 40 minutes when he's hungry and doesn't allow you to give him formula then that's cruel to him and feels like she's punishing you and making you struggle so you know what it feels like.
On your time off give her regular breaks, take baby to visit family/a walk. But manage those breaks yourself.

@TheBlueRaccoon I’m sorry to see you have had some shitty posts towards you that are unhelpful. It’s clear to see that you genuinely want to help your wife, and care massively for her and your child otherwise you wouldn’t even be here!

I think your wife needs to realise that formula is not a bad thing… it’s not her failing as a Mum, and it is ok to dual-feed.

I think the best thing to do is sit down with her and have a good chat. Tell her that she is an amazing Mum, and that you want to help, and reassure her that a formula feed on the odd occasion isn’t the end of the world and doesn’t mean that she isn’t the amazing Mum that you know she is.

I’m sure that you have already sat and talked to her, but I feel in this case, the feeding which is contributing to her exhaustion, is putting unnecessary stress on herself. There is a lot out there that makes us women feel that we fail as a mother if we don’t breastfeed, but that’s not the case at all! There is so much unnecessary pressure on this front on women… the only thing that truly matters is the baby being fed but some professionals forget this when trying to force women to breastfeed.

It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can at the moment, and reaching out to see if anything else you can do is not something many men would do!

Sorry, I haven't read all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating previous advice.

First off, you sound like a good husband and father, so don't worry about that part! Having a newborn is gruelling; I don't think many (any?) couples simply breeze through it.

One thing I would have loved in the early days (and did get sometimes) was for my husband to simply be awake and keeping an eye as the baby and I slept next to each other. I was paranoid about doing this and felt better if I knew he was watching us to make sure the baby was safe. :) It allowed both the baby and me to get some decent sleep between feeds.

Also, remember that this stage eventually passes - sooner than you'd ever think - so hang in there!

Agree with other posters you’re getting a rough time here, it’s hard the first few weeks with a baby and no one is at their best.

Shift work can be hard with a baby, even if you’ve done it for years. I really struggled in the evenings when DH was at work, until I stopped trying to have a “normal” day routine (get up in the morning, shower etc) and took the day as a 24 hour block & went to bed whenever I could!

Can you discuss shifts with your partner? So if you work afternoon - 10pm, you take baby from 9am - 1pm and 11pm - 2am for example, so she gets a solid block of sleep. Expressing takes ages (it did for me until baby was a bit bigger). If she is ok with combi feeding, get a few of the pre made cartons (£1ish in the supermarket) in your preferred brand for emergencies- you can just measure out into a sterilised bottle.

Take baby out for walks to give mum a break without baby crying. Unless it’s freezing, it doesn’t matter if it’s day or night (if it’s safe where you are) wrap baby in layers and take round the block.

Household tasks the priority list for us was:

Everyone fed, washed.
Baby’s bottles washed and sterile
Laundry
Shopping
House vaguely clean & sanitary

Also try and encourage your partner to have her main meal of the day when you’re home, so you can help cook / hold baby when she eats. I spent few weeks having cereal or toast for my dinner after the evening cluster feed until I realised it was far better to eat properly when DH was home - cooked breakfast or lunch, then I was happy with something easy before bed.

It passes, OP.

Sorry for some of the replies you're getting OP, I think it sounds like you're doing an amazing job. It's easy to underestimate the difficulty for both parents, if a dad is working his fingers to the bone supporting and continuing his paid employment it's really not bloody easy at all. My partner was truly amazing when our little one was born and I see this even clearer now, I wouldn't have coped without everything he did.

As far as your wife, her hormones will still be all over the place and she'll most likely be overwhelmed trying to figure out a routine, wanting to listen to her instincts and be reluctant to accept advice if it steers off course. In your line of work would it be possible for you to take a week or so of annual leave or unpaid parental leave (this is a legal requirement now for companies to allow this), so have a dedicated period of time where she can have you to support fully day to day, even if it's for a week or so? She may be thinking that as you're at work you don't understand or "get it", what it's like 24/7, so you could use this time to trial and error new ways of doing things or learn the nuances of your baby? May not be an option but it if is, I do think it will help.

In addition just keep doing what you're doing, if you see something that needs to be done take care of it, bring her cups of tea, fill her water bottle up, fix her a snack if she hasn't had time to eat... it's those little things that I really remember that I appreciate more so now.

This is going to be a really testing time for you both, so just continue to have patience for the physical and emotional changes she's experiencing, everything will get better once you both establish routine and pick up some "shortcuts" along the way, which you definitely will!

Congratulations and all the best 😊

OP I've only read your responses so may have missed things. Some of the responses you've been given have been really harsh. I hope that they are overrepresented in the ones you've responded to and that other posters have been more supportive. You clearly want the best for your wife and son.

It seems to me that neither you or your wife are being unreasonable, it's just that you're prioritising different things. You would like a calm and less exhausted household, she would like to give her baby as much breastmilk as possible. This was exactly the dynamic with my first. My DH could see that formula wasn't failure and just didn't matter. I could only reference all the breast is best stuff and desperately didn't want to be giving my child anything but the best. I had done far too much doom scrolling about breastfeeding and was following advice that my DH couldnt make sense of as it seemed to be making life so much harder (frankly - breastfeeding does make the newborn period a lot harder on mums). I was so ridden with anxiety and exhaustion that i couldnt translate everything id read and been told for it to make sense to DH. She is right that the advice for maximising breastfeeding is to feed on demand and that emptying the breast overnight is especially important. Maybe it would be helpful if you could get her to explain her parameters for when she is and is not happy to use formula. This needs to be phrased "I know how we feed our baby is very important to you. Whilst I really do not mind and will feel no different about you and the baby whether we breastfeed, formula feed or mixed feed, I want to make feeding as low stress as possible for you. Can you help me to understand what you've learnt that's guiding when you're happy to use formula so I don't stress you out by asking?".

Around that, honestly you're doing the right things - as much as you can around the house, lots of expressions that she's doing great and you adore her and the baby, maximise any opportunities for her to sleep. I get how frustrating it must be when she doesn't use the space you're carving out for her to sleep. Honestly there is absolutely nothing like the hormone explosion for a woman of having a baby. For lots of us, we are on such high alert that sleeping is really very difficult.

Perhaps if there are no bottles made up you make one ... always have one on hand for those emergencies you mention.

Firstly congratulations OP and I think you asking other Mums on here for advice is a great thing to do.

Right now you’re in the trenches and it sounds like it’s early days so it’s just a case of muddling through each day. We did this for a few weeks then at about 7 weeks we started a bit of a routine. My DH suggested starting one a lot before this but I wasn’t ready. I was very tired and wanted to take each day as it comes.

I think you probably know this already but - the physical side of carrying/having a baby, hormones and tiredness all play a massive part in how your wife will feel so for now I’d just take her lead (as you seem to be doing). With regards to her going to bed early/getting extra sleep, I personally found it SO hard to sleep on demand. I felt like I was being sent to bed and told to sleep when I probably had lots of adrenaline keeping me going.

If you don’t already do this perhaps plan one day ahead at a time, communication is key!! We would and still do have several chats throughout the day of who is doing what when. Plans with a baby/children can change rapidly and it’s important no one is left second guessing eg. the shower/bottle/crying. Ask if she would like you to make a bottle as the baby is hungry.

I think you sound like you’re doing great OP.

Why are people being savage?! What a lovely husband coming on mumsnet to ask for advice on how to help.

OP I was much like your wife. Felt I had to do it all and was hesitate to let my DP help. Some weird sense of duty.

I would try and do other things to make her life easy. Like cook a yummy dinner ans hold/see to baby while she eats. Do the washing, clean the house so she wakes up to a nice clean home.

It will get easier for both of you

Absolutely this. If you have both agreed to combination feed then, in a scenario like this, just feed the baby a bottle of formula. Maybe agree that you will do this once per day only.

I breast fed but, at night, I would go to bed after feeding the baby at 8ish and DH would stay up and give the last feed using formula (often 11/11.30ish). He’d then bring the baby up and put them in the bassinet after he had. He has fond memories of this time watching Ice Road Truckers, Shed Wars etc on Dave!

Then, like you, he’d get up after the first morning feed (we agreed anything after 6am was on him!) and take the baby downstairs so I could have a bit more sleep/shower before he left for work. And, as a PP said, the days when he made me a sandwich for lunch and popped it in the fridge were much appreciated!