Not sure how to help wife?

[TheBlueRaccoon]

Looking for a bit of advice.

My wife and I have just had a baby. First and foremost, he is amazing and so is my wife.

I’m having a real issue with how to help my wife.
she is breastfeeding, so is naturally tired, but she won’t take opportunities to sleep when she can.

We are mix feeding, as she feels that she isn’t making enough for the baby, which I’m completely fine with and never had a problem with, but she won’t feee him bottles through the night or she won’t express milk so I can’t feed him at night, but it constantly feels like she resents me for sleep (sort of) during that time.

I will wake up before work and take him so she can get a few hours uninterrupted sleep in and a shower in peace. Sometimes she takes that opportunity more often than not she won’t.
I do the housework if I’m not working or with the baby, or I’ll say to leave it until a day I finish early (I usually get back after 10pm so can’t put the vac on that time) but again, she won’t. I do the cooking on the days I’m back early enough to do so. I’m really trying and if there’s anything else I can do I’ll do it.

It feels like she’s trying to be a hero, but the result is both of us getting less sleep.

Her timing of things just feels off. For example, She’ll want to shower when the baby wants feeding, but I have nothing to feed him with - no expressed milk or no formula I’ll suggest getting a bottle ready just in case and she’s not keen on the idea, then I end up with a hungry screaming baby for the next 40 mins with no way to feed him. I feel utterly useless and it’s horrible watching him cry as I try everything to calm him but the one thing he wants I can’t give him.

Things like this happen all throughout the day and I'm stood there thinking “why didn’t you do this when he was asleep?”

I’m not getting anywhere near the amount of sleep she thinks I’m getting and I know both of us could be getting more if we did things a touch differently. It’s gotten to the point where I feel guilty for sleeping. So I jump myself awake if I hear her coming into the room.

we’ll go to appointments with midwives, health visitors and they’ll tell us things to try or things we could be doing and she doesn’t want to try them, then acts like I’m an idiot for suggesting what they’ve suggested.

Our lives are more difficult than they need to be and I can’t see why she can’t see it.

She is an amazing mum and wife, I’ve tried to be supportive but everything I say is taking as criticism or a dig when it’s not. It’s driving me up the wall.

I thought it could be a bit if PPD but I tried to raise it and it didn’t go well.

Any advice is appreciated.

Wow....your first post wasn't helpful it just listed all the things he already said he did and virtually called him an idiot for asking .....I guess it's your sexist stance coming out.

I haven’t read all the posts with advice, but this seems to be a good practical approach. What I might also suggest is to really try not to “problem-solve”. Lots of us have a tendency to do that with people we love, advising them on what to do, and we totally mean well, but sometimes, especially when a woman is in new motherhood like this, it doesn’t sound like that at all. It sounds like criticism even when it’s not meant that way. So in addition to all the other good advice, I’d suggest really trying not to suggest things to your wife. Actively tell her (regularly) what you’ve said here, that you think she’s amazing and you can see how hard this is for her and that you love her and that what you want is to support her. And then stop there with the words, don’t go on to any advice or suggestions 😊. That might help her confidence and communication going forward.

What came across to me from your post was a sense that you want to help but also that you think your wife is getting a lot wrong, and if only she’d just do things your way everything would be much easier. I think it might go better if you’d be a bit more open to the idea that your wife isn’t getting everything wrong- possibly she’s knows more than you as she’s the one doing the majority of childcare, and you’re missing a lot of her reasoning by assuming she’s just being useless, or possibly you’re both just doing your best and there is no perfect solution. It’s hard because it’s hard.

There was a real sense from your post of exasperation and that you wanted to somehow fix everything and make it easy. I’m not sure that’s going to come across as supportive to your wife- it may well come across as nitpicking and critical.

I'd buy some ready made emergency stuff too. Then if baby needs a feed whilst mum is in the shower etc you can give it. The early days are really tough for both of you it does get better as baby starts falling into a routine. I think it can be a shock to realise how much life has changed on top of all the physical stuff and demands on the body. Do you tell her how much you love her and reassure her?

How do you fit mixed feeding in with this?

This absolutely does not have to be life with a newborn baby, it certainly wasn't for me on either occasion. The OP's wife sounds all over the place to be honest and kind of needs to get her shit together and listen to and take on board good advice and yes, the input of her husband. The babies needs come first here, not the mothers ideology about going with the flow which patently is not working with her baby. Most of us felt we didn't know what the hell we were doing when our newborns arrived but the important thing is to acknowledge that and find a way of doing things that meets the needs of the baby and also the rest of the household. It's all connected. It's hard of course but Christ it doesn't need to be this hard.

She's not EBF

You can get a bottle ready on stand by for these times

I can really see this from both sides, my husband often mirrored the same feelings as OP.
I knew that I was difficult to live with around my rules / wants / needs for my babies but I must admit that because I felt so much guilt and frustration, I sort of projected that onto him a lot and he couldn’t ‘win’.
It sounds like you are both doing your best, but I think this might be a case of listening to her, letting her vent to you, taking a bit of the anger around sleep deprivation and accept that this is you being her rock whilst you get through this season. That’s all they are with babies and little children, just seasons of your life where it feels horrible and impossible and then it all suddenly changes again.

This. He/she can't give formula randomly , that's not good advice.

It sounds like she’s doing baby led feeding. When a baby cry’s it can be for multiple reasons, an uncomfortable nappy, fighting sleep or overwhelm , teething, hungry, wanting mum, comfort and so on. One option would be to put the baby in a pram and walk it through a park. Or put the baby in a baby carrier and go out for a walk.

Does she want to EBF? Are you mixed feeding now with the aim of establishing BF? If so I would feel angry and undermined if my DH gave baby a bottle of formula whilst I was showering.

So many women keen to point out misogyny, but there's so much misandry on this thread. OP seems like a decent man who just wants a bit of advice. Why are some women so rude?!

And that’s the best way to make everything worse.
1- because feeding baby formula will make things even worse re bfing.
2- because the fact she is reluctant to use formula too often shows tyat she is desperately trying to carry in bfing. There is probably a huge amount of guilt abd shame attached to that. Not being a good enough mum because she can’t even do something as basic as feeding her baby (Lets thank all the campaigns promoting bfing there)
3- because she is trying her best, doing what she can and he would suddenly ‘take the lead’ aka control how she feeds her baby. Which will disempower her and is likely to make her spiral even more because he will have taken the little bit of control she has.
4- that’s not working as a team. That’s assuming he knows best and she doesn’t. Why??

From what I've read, you're getting an undue hard time here, OP. Your wife sounds chaotic. You have one baby, and 2 adults, it really shouldn't be this difficult. You absolutely need a routine, and both need to be on board with it. Going for a shower when baby is hungry is ridiculous. She should do these things immediately after a feed, where she'll have a decent window of opportunity. Newborns sleep a lot, there is a lot of time during the day to get organised between the 2 of you. The random formula sounds confusing. Why not allocate a particular feed to a bottle so you can do it. It all sounds so chaotic, I'm stressed here just thinking about you guys. I couldn't function like that. We have 3 kids, and our routine is absolutely critical!

sure hope your partner ran a mile from you

Gosh I can’t believe so many people are being nasty when all you have asked for is some help so that you can help your wife. Please ignore these ignorant and unhelpful trolls as it sounds like you are doing an amazing job and just looking to make yours and your wife’s situation better.

As a PP has already said, your wife’s hormones are all over the place and will take a while to settle down. She is mentally and physically drained and she is just doing her best right now even if it is not always logical.

It already sounds like you are doing as much as you can with cleaning, cooking ect. The most beneficial being taking baby in the morning so she can sleep. However please remember you also the parent and if she leaves you holding the baby and they are crying with hunger just go and make a bottle of formula. Please don’t leave your baby crying for 40mins. If your wife insists that she needs to BF then she needs to express so there is milk available for when she is showering/sleeping/needing a break.

My next suggestion is…..have you actually asked your wife how you can help and make life easier for her? If so what has she said? You say she is struggling and you want to help but you can only make her life easier if you know what she needs.
Maybe wait for a moment when you can both talk and tell her you can see she is under a lot of pressure and you just want to help. See what she says.

Good luck and I hope things improve

For a reason 😂

Going on what @Turtlemama24 said about making sure she has something easy to eat, could you meal prep for her? Cook up a shepherds pie and portion it into meal prep containers so all she has to do is microwave it.

What do you mean? People who mix feed will produce less breastmilk.

This mother doesn't want to mix feed. She's just anxious that she's not producing enough milk for her baby. She needs support with that. Not a husband thinking, "It's my baby too so I have the right to give him formula." Can you imagine what it would do to her mental health to realise that she can't trust her husband alone with the baby?

Agree completely with this, I too felt almost panicky reading it. I have no idea how this approach is in the best interest of any baby, however much people put seemingly positive labels on it like 'baby-led' or 'going with the flow'. To my mind, anticipating and meeting babies needs in a timely and regular way rather than responding to crying seems a much more sensible and kind way of meeting babies needs. That it also undoubtedly makes it easier and calmer for parents should be seem as a positive not a sign of not caring enough or not being willing to suffer. Anyone with older children will know that hard times usually come at different stages, there is no need to go looking for them or making unnecessary martyrs of ourselves.

I think an interesting question to ask is, would you be able to take this approach with a second or third child? Of course you wouldn't because their routines would automatically impose some kind of order. So why do it with your first?

I think the point is, she seems to want to, or want to move towards doing so.

My point stands that op implies that he should be "helping" with housework "regardless if he has a baby or not". But my point is that he should be taking ownership of the housework, much more than if he didn't have a newborn baby.

No. You sound determined to paint him in a bad light.

@RobinHeartella

But my point is that he should be taking ownership of the housework, much more than if he didn't have a newborn baby.
I think your internal rhetoric is distorting your comprehension

The OP has clearly said they have always done the housework. They have said they live there so they clean up. They do laundry. They don't see it as the wife's job at all. They have always lived like this.

You assuming he thinks it's his wife's job and he is helping her when he has stated he doesn't suggests you can't believe any man does it right.

Everything he is saying sounds like a man who has always taken ownership of life's tasks and is bending over backwards to do everything the way his wife wants when it comes to the baby but that his wife is stressed, tired, hormonal and perhaps not making the wisest choices or decisions.

OP your wife needs to understand that more there is a child there needs to be some degree of planning and routine. It doesn't have to be a military style level of routine but this just fly with the wind is going to cause more and more stress and burnout.

If she is in the shower how do you know she doesn't want you to feed the baby.

If the baby needs feeding you are going to have to feed the baby and communication with your wife needs to focus on the baby's need over your wife's desires of what to feed baby.

But he says he's doing it all when he's not at work how's he supposed to stop her washing her dishes or putting a load of washing on if he's not there....he's only human and working or should he stop work?
Your reading she wants to go EBF does the op say this? So much guilt is put on mum's about BF she's probably struggling with that too