Have you ever noticed a difference between children raised by SAHP vs working parents?

[EMC2022]

So I am a full time worker and have a DS. I always see people say things like "Why have a child if you aren't going to raise them yourself?". Although I try to ignore these comments they really do get to me.

DH and I both have well paid jobs and the reality is, if we were willing to change our lifestyle to a bear necessity type of lifestyle we could afford for one of us to give up work. Both of us would be content with being a SAHP but the reality is, we don't want to forfeit the nicer things in life for us or our DS.

I'm also very pragmatic and never want to quit my job and be reliant on my DH wage to keep us sustained.

So I am wondering, for anyone who has spent significant time with children raised by working parents vs SAHP, have you ever noticed a difference?

Of course not.

Not with the child.
Occasionally with the helicoptering of the SAHP.

No, all families are unique regardless of whether both parents work or there's a sahp. Things like love, attention, money, parental mental heath etc matter more.

No. I was mostly a sahm parent and I have a wide social circle which encompasses both sahms and working mothers.

Ultimately I think it's like breastfeeding and method of birth, there is no way of telling unless you ask.

Honestly, yes, but since I know so few SAHPs it’s a slightly skewed one and there may be some SEN there too.

I worried about this too - I'm a single, working mum and don't have a choice in working. But honestly there's not much of a difference that I can see so far - DS is incredibly confident, adventurous and secure. So are many of his friends who've had SAHPs. Some kids of SAHPs are helicoptered and 'babied' - but so are some kids of parents working FT.

I really don't think there's a 'right way' to do it. Even if I could afford it, I'd be fucking miserable as a SAHP - fair play to anyone who wants to/can, but it's not for me.

Not exactly what you've asked, but the children of single parent friends (who also work full time) are noticeably more independent than those who have parent/s who are SAHP or work part time. It becomes quite stark as they get older. It makes sense really - they are used to getting around alone, keeping themselves safe on public transport, organising themselves etc., precisely because they have no spare parent to helicopter.

Not better or worse though. Just different.

Of course there'll be differences, but not necessarily in quality, if you know what I mean. All families are different and have diversity of circumstances. People have different priorities and come with their own baggage.
The only difference that matters for a child is whether their parents are attunned to their needs or not.

Absolutely this. There are differences in many families for all sorts of reasons and different families place emphasis on different things. I'm a sahm which on MN seems to suggest I'm some sort of eejit to pitied but the main difference I ever notice is between children from rural and urban areas. Mine can walk to and from school and can also catch a bus regularly if they need to . They are much more independent than children I know who live rurally . So if you ask me for differences between children from similarish backgrounds that's the one that always stands out to me .

There are going to be differences, but those differences don’t really matter. What matters is that you meet the needs of the child(ren) you have. If your family is happy and functional with your current setup, then don’t change anything. If something changes and you find your child needs more time or attention, then look into making an adjustment.

Honestly,I worry about the impact of being a SAHP on them. I feel terrible and that maybe I'm setting them a bad example as a woman by not working. I have done all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, waking nights and 95% of the parenting and I don't want them to think that this is normal or what is expected of them. I don't want them to feel they should give up their careers, financial security or independence.

Can you notice a difference. I think in the short term maybe. I spend a lot of time doing things with the kids, crafts, day trips, reading etc. In the long I don't think so development wise. But, I worry that it will impact work ethics, aspirations, views on gender roles etc.

To echo others, there are differences in every family but I can’t say I’ve noticed differences between adults raised by a SAHP & those raised by two working parents. My parents both worked as did most of my friends’ parents, but not all.

As a 40 something now, my friend who has the worst relationship with her parents & the most childhood trauma has a mum who has never worked a day in her life but was/is emotionally abusive.

I think working v sahp promote different qualities by virtue of necessity.

I see 8/9yr olds more resilient and self organised in our youth group because mum isn’t at home to bring the forgotten bag/coat in. Sahp helicoptering is definitely a thing for the benefit of the parent often.

Conversely opportunities are different for the kids at home, more extra curriculars are available etc.
Does it develop more confidence or does more nursery etc?

It’s probably a combination of parenting, nature of the child, family dynamics and even number of siblings. It all evens out in the end.

Thank you so much everyone. I have honestly loved reading the replies from both SAHP and working parents. It's nice to get a fair response. I feel I sometimes end up on posts targeted to one or the other and you get arguments that demean the other cohort. I very much respect both types and can see the benefits children get from having one or the other.

It is probably a case of "the grass is always greener". I can see SAHM here having the opposite worries that I have, of which I never even considered.

@Bob02 I loved hearing your take as a SAHM and seeing the fears you have which are inverse to mine. Just wanted to let you know, my mom was a SAHM and she instilled a good work ethic and focus on education and a good career. I now have a DH who is very much 5050 in all things household and childcare, which I expect given we work full time. Also, now more than ever, I have so much appreciation for her and all the things she did that were unseen and under appreciated over the years. I really believe anything good in my life is a product of her parenting.

@EMC2022 I'm a freelancer but effectively a SAHM for our two young boys (3 and 6) outside of school hours. Like @Bob02 I worry about the impact this is having on our kids. Our 3 year old in particular believes that "daddies go to work, mummies stay at home" and nothing will change his mind, because the work I do is on the laptop around household chores. Our oldest did NOT ever say this because when he was that age I was still full time working, but two kids tipped the balance towards freelancing. So yes I think it does have an effect.

They see me cooking every meal, doing all the laundry, and their norm is that dad comes home to dinner on the table. I feel very lucky that I'm able to keep my career and financial independence, and be a SAHM at the same time. It's not something open to many people so I count my blessings. I love my work and it's made our family life so much less stressful than having two full time working parents. I'm free to spend the day cuddling on the sofa if they're ill, we have relaxed afternoons after school, I can go to every school event, etc but I do have my concerns. The way I try to look at it is that in the future, there will be many more flexible ways of working. Already I see gen Z demanding a better work-life balance, and I hope that our sons will see that going out to the office isn't the only way to have a fulfilling life or career. I feel very lucky on the whole. Now if only I could carve out a home office rather than the sofa, I might command some more respect from our toddler 😆

I have a different view to some on here. My dh and I work long hours and I don’t think it’s good for the children. They need time and input and we really try but I don’t doubt they would benefit from more of a creative and fun environment after school not coming home late, eating quick meals and going to bed.
my dm was mainly a sahp but when we were older did a variety of jobs to fit around us. I am so lucky for the time she spent helping with schoolwork, facilitating crafts and hobbies and she worked extremely hard
so was a great example.

My dm was a sahm and I was always confused by her lack of career interest or ambition. We’re just different people. I’m grateful for the childhood she gave me but I’m okay with working full time because that’s who I am. I’m keen to progress my career alongside parenting. It did take a hit when dc were little and I’ve had to work harder than dh to get back up here (post grad qualification which dh doesn’t need due to owning a penis). I’d like to think my dc are happy with the balance. I do work from home 2-3 times a week so maybe it would be different if I was doing an hour commute too. Dh and I Balkan clubs with flexible working patterns too, which wouldn’t have been available for dm.

Been teaching a long time. Don't know about primary, but I don't think you can tell. Just thinking about my current classes and I honestly couldn't tell you which ones had sahp or wohm parents.

I work in a school and could not tell you who has stay at home parents or working parents. You can tell the children who do not have involved parents, children who never have reading records signed, always come in uniform on non school uniform days, don't talk about days with family etc. That can happen with working parents and parents at home.

@Anon1029 it's a bit like that here too, I'm 75% of the time wfh so although they are in childcare I'm the one that's cleaning, washing clothes and putting dinner in front of them most days. DH and I do both work 4 days instead of 5 though and will continue to do so at least until youngest starts school so they see us both parenting together, individually and most importantly I think, equally. I feel like the mix of mom, dad and formal childcare that they have is probably the best for all of us. It might not be the perfect village but it's our village!

DM stopped work when I was born. There were lots of benefits for me definitely, but I do think having all attention solely on me contributed to me growing up self-centred. I’m quite a selfish person underneath the social niceties.

I don't work in education so my experience is from what I've seen.
The sahm mums make their home and children their life, and come 18/ whenever their kids go to uni, they suddenly seem to come out of a hibernation. And they all blossom into gym bunnies and 'potter'. Their world is small unless they are doing something like studying. They seem more calm.

The working mums always seem stressed and a mix of happy/ guilty. Their kids will say their mum works. I don't hear the sahm kids say their mum's job is a home maker.

That's reassuring, sometimes when the sahms on the school WhatsApp are smugly informing the rest of us about that thing we have forgotten I have to remind myself to not throw my phone at a wall or I will have to pay to replace it. The working parents are the ones tending to stick a reminder in before the fact.

I don't think a working parent has as much impact as a stressed, over worked parent. I have always worked but did notice that some parents where both worked long hours had issues with children, especially at secondary when the child was left solo for too long and it caused poor behaviours (addicted to gaming & porn, lack of studying, poor relationship with parents).

If you are around for your children mostly (as in not too many late evenings) that's a good compromise.

@Anon1029 I didn't realise this was such a worry for SAHM. Children normalising gender roles. Where we grew up SAHM were the norm but my mom had such a focus on getting a good education and job that it wasn't really something I ever boxed myself into. I did have a nice laugh at your attemp to command respect from a toddler. An impossible task i think 😂

@TheMoth @EsmeeMerlin it was teachers I was really hoping to hear from givin the amount of time you spend with kids. I'm glad to hear that it isn't possible to tell. I'm also sad to imagine the kids with uninvolved parents. It must be heartbreaking to witness.

@wizzywig sometimes stressed, mostly happy and slightly guilty is probably an apt description of me as a person 😂

"Why have a child if you aren't going to raise them yourself?"

The very fact that not a single person on history has ever said this about a Father is enough for me not to feel a single drop of guilt about my working ft. And frankly, makes me judge the person who says it.

There's a lot more goes into "raising" children than what happens between 9-5, Mon-Fri.