Have you ever noticed a difference between children raised by SAHP vs working parents?

[EMC2022]

So I am a full time worker and have a DS. I always see people say things like "Why have a child if you aren't going to raise them yourself?". Although I try to ignore these comments they really do get to me.

DH and I both have well paid jobs and the reality is, if we were willing to change our lifestyle to a bear necessity type of lifestyle we could afford for one of us to give up work. Both of us would be content with being a SAHP but the reality is, we don't want to forfeit the nicer things in life for us or our DS.

I'm also very pragmatic and never want to quit my job and be reliant on my DH wage to keep us sustained.

So I am wondering, for anyone who has spent significant time with children raised by working parents vs SAHP, have you ever noticed a difference?

I think the main difference I notice on a day to day is that SAHP children aren't exposed to words or phase or mannerisms outside of the immediate family! In my social group there are often joking comments about "he must have heard that at nursery!" etc. I do think it's very obvious to children when they're older when neither parent is ever there for them at important life events that occur 9-5, especially when they can see the parents of peers always volunteering in school life or their for pick ups and assemblies for instance. I know of some male SAHP and applaud the (slow!) rise in dads taking some time out of their careers because I do think there is a lot of benefit to either mums or dads parenting their own children rather than paying others to do it full time (where possible).

No, I have not.
I work full time since she was 3 months old, though we worked staggered shifts till she was 3, so one of us was home. Then she was in nursery or other childcare and school.
I still consider that I raised her myself. I chose the people who cared for her while I worked, which activities she did, taught her the basics of life and corrected her behaviour when needed.
Having the opportunity of being a SAHP is a luxury to me. I would have loved to stay longer at home, take a more chilled approach to life, like being able to sit in the evenings as a family, instead of running around doing the housework. It is echausting, like having a part time job at home on top of your full time. I could not afford to even go part time on my role, which would have eased things. If you can afford it, working part time gives you a good middle ground.

Why does there always have to be a dig? Most of the thread seemed fairly open, then here it comes 'parenting their own children'. Because wohp can't possibly parent unless they stay at home. It's bizarre.

Yes, I think in general children that are in nursery longer/ earlier are better behaved!!

im a SAHM with a 4 and 2 yo, now going back to work, and my 4 yo has been absolute hard work. I do think if she’d been in nursery she would have been better at following / copying the other children

Ive tried my absolute best but she’s not as well behaved as my friends whose children have been all nursery full time - they’ve had it drilled into them.

Hey! Fellow eejit SAHM here! Apparently we are also helicopter-parents the bunch of us! 😉

Is this necessarily something to be celebrated? The people who have contributed most to society tend to be those who challenge authority and come up with novel ideas. Maybe your 4 year old is going to be the most amazing independent non conforming woman leading a social change movement you'll be proud of one day.

Yes without a doubt.

No.

@Flittingaboutagain thanks 😆 maybe…. for now she is just aging me prematurely.

my 2 yo goes for short periods of time to a childminder and he is starting to participate in circle/ carpet time, knows he should stand in a line, stands still to have his coat on etc

my 4 yo when she was a toddler just fought fought fought (and still does)

all my friends 4 yos who have been in nursery full time seem to be able to be much stiller, sit still, sit stiller / better behaved at the dinner table, more compliant and less wild. I’ve not been able to train my children to do that, clearly a professional would have been better 😆

I’ve not noticed in the kids, but a lot of SaHM I have met have so much anxiety and are such worriers! It’s like they loose perspective!

@Flittingaboutagain really unnecessary dig there. Of all the sahps at our school only one I can think of has ever done any volunteering, and they stopped after their dc3 was born. Just had dc4 so I don't think they will be able to for a while. Myself and DH help out whenever we can, at the very least every second month, as do many other parents who are working. We've often taken a few hours leave or TOIL to do so. Most of us really aren't in a situation where we're leaving the house at 6am and not getting home until bed time or after it anymore.

Of course not. I also think if anyone does notice any difference, it is likely confirmation bias.

What differences have you noticed?

I think for me the big difference is financial security. I have always worked, and have friends who worked and those that were sahm's. Now all our kids are teens, ypu wouldn't know the difference. However, over the course of our friendship, from baby group, one got divorced and had to resurrect a career she hadn't been in for 7 years, so from the bottom, and one had to start working again as her DH lost his job. For both, the financial impact was huge as they went from a decent lifestyle to no money at all but that burden was largely on the parents. My DH had a breakdown a couple of years ago and couldn't work. He still isn't in as high paying a job as he was, as he has set up his own business.I feel the impact was largely mitigated as I have a long established career, and was able to go from part time to full time very easily as I had been working for 25 yesrs in my field, . For me the security of a shared financial burden was important.And I do like that children are growing up seeing that men and women work, and therefore daddy also cooks and runs the hoover around.

Just an ad-hoc example is my friends who are sham their DC seem to be off school sick a lot! They've always got someone at home unwell. My DC are almost never off school and would only be kept home if they're vomiting or serious illness. A little sniffle they'd be there as we can't take time off for that.

My sahm friends also complain a lot about being treated like 'the help.' It wouldn't fly in my house! Everyone chips in and does their bit to keep the house running.

Sahms I know seem to spend a lot of time worrying and stressing over stuff I see as insignificant as I literally don't have the time or headspace to get worked up about it, but they don't have much else so will ruminate over small stuff.

I sometimes get guilty about not being able to do stuff like helping on school trips. I haven't missed school plays or significant events, I usually can manage to flex my day to be there, or dh will so I don't feel DC are missing out.

This is just my experience, not universal for all sah or working parents.

This is a cop out in terms of answering the op's question, but as someone whose DC are at uni, and having seen and been friends with a lot of different families with different DC, there is no one size fits all answer.

I have seen an amazingly calm and competent family with eight DC where both parents worked full time and boy they were on top of the parenting too.

I've seen a young boy with one sister with working parents, cry pitifully and become really distressed at the school gate with his nanny every morning and every school pick up for four years, and he grew up to be quite a troubled young man. His sister is fine though so was that just his ingrained personality?

I've seen depressed sahm mothers who are overwhelmed with the relentlessness of parenting who have angry children. And their parents are over-involved when they leave the nest.

I've seen tween DC who come home regularly to an empty house get in to trouble and go off the rails.

I've seen previously ft sahms go off the rails mentally when their DC leave home.

I've seen children who have every material advantage whose parents are permanently travelling.

I've seen a father who was a very successful entrepreneur give it all up in his forties to become a great sahp and one of the DC is thriving and one is going through a bit of hard time currently as a teen but I'm sure they will come through it.

For myself, I was a sahm during primary school and I worked three days a week during secondary. That worked for us. I was losing myself by the end of primary school. But I was hugely fortunate that I parented in an age where that balance was affordable. It's good to have a period I think where your DC have a solid, foundation of you being available. But then there comes a point where it is good for you as a mother and your DC to be stretched and have the corners rubbed off by wider society.

What I don't think is right is that parents are still supposed to work like they don't have children, and parent like they don't have to work. It's overwhelming and unrealistic for so many people. Especially women whose partners don't step up.

I look at my peer group and I couldn’t tell you who was raised by a single parent, two parents, working or not working, only child, seven siblings, breastfed, combi fed, formula fed, ventouse delivery, forceps, elective, non-elective - all valid in my group!

I can tell who were raised by uncaring parents though (and they are a mixture of all of the above). It’s the quality of time you give them, not the quantity.

I haven't - but i do often wonder whether the increase in mental health problems in young people is linked to nursery attendance.

I don't think you'll get unbiased opinions. People will tend to say that kids turn out better if you do what they did!

Children of working parents tend (on average) to have better attendance.

if you’re working f/t and don’t want to look flakey, your kids go in with minor illnesses.

I think the only real difference is for the SAHP rather than the child. The SAHP gets to see all of the ‘firsts’ in the moment. First steps etc in real life rather than on a video or hearing about it from someone who looked after their child. They get to see and experience everything with their child from 0 to school age. The child won’t necessarily remember it!

I think other factors can be at play, not just the level of parental presence. Mental health in children is a big one today and I see SAHM and working mum friends alike struggling with this. I can think of a couple of families where the mothers spent so much time with them when they were little, doing crafts, daily walks in the countryside, no TV in the lounge and eating fresh food and their kids are giving them hell with mental health issues.

Nothing is guaranteed in life, that’s for sure.

I'm also a teacher and I have to say that I have noticed a difference. I teach in a private school and the parents who kick up the greatest fuss about things tend to be SAHMs. I've been working in this setting for 10 years but the school doesn't really represent a cross section of society; the vast majority are very wealthy families. However, there are certain parents who get very angry about trivial things and send very angry emails and they tend to be SAHMs. Could just be my place! The kids aren't much different from eachother though.

My mother was a SAHM (I didn't come from a wealthy background). When I was very small I liked her being around but as I got older her circle got smaller and smaller and she seemed to get inside her head a lot. She had no friends and seemed to stew over things a lot. She had nothing to do outside of me. I work full time and would like to go part time or be a SAHM ideally. When I was on mat leave with my youngest, life just seemed so much more streamlined and I felt less like the walls were caving in at times.

For me, so long as you do what it takes to ensure that your own emotional and mental health is preserved in a way that you can relate to your children well, do what you want! It's also a question of being relatable; when I talk to my mum about work stuff, she hasn't a clue about the work of work as her most recent experience is 40 plus years ago.

I can't say I adore my career, but I do like it and I like the social aspect of having friends at work and being part of something. I feel that I've grown in confidence as I've faced challenges in work but I feel like my mum lost all of her confidence through the years.

It's very individual and down to how you parent your child and respond to your own insecurities, working or not.

I've only noticed a difference in farming families in my childhood friendship group. The women raised by SAHM's have all gone on to marry farmers and be SAHMs and had DC much younger.

Having a job doesn't mean you miss your children's first steps ffs.