Have you ever noticed a difference between children raised by SAHP vs working parents?

[EMC2022]

So I am a full time worker and have a DS. I always see people say things like "Why have a child if you aren't going to raise them yourself?". Although I try to ignore these comments they really do get to me.

DH and I both have well paid jobs and the reality is, if we were willing to change our lifestyle to a bear necessity type of lifestyle we could afford for one of us to give up work. Both of us would be content with being a SAHP but the reality is, we don't want to forfeit the nicer things in life for us or our DS.

I'm also very pragmatic and never want to quit my job and be reliant on my DH wage to keep us sustained.

So I am wondering, for anyone who has spent significant time with children raised by working parents vs SAHP, have you ever noticed a difference?

I don't think so. I was a sahm until my youngest started high school and my eldest was 17. So a long time. I don't think they're more or less attached than anyone else or have any other related issues or advantages tbh.

My eldest might have been more independent if I hadn't always been around but who know 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have three children. I don't remember half of the firsts. I didn't even know whose teeth were whose!

But that presupposes that all sahp do everything for their children.

In my experience of sahp, they really don't. Mine were taught a lot of self sufficiency from a young age.

I will also say that the majority of sahp that I knew were the same.

The children who were not self sufficient usually came from the wealthy families who had staff/home help (cleaners, nannies etc).

@sexnotgenders

Well said.

as in sahm mums generally likely to be a bit less outgoing and quieter themselves, parents wanting to be in full time work more likely to be very social and full on personalities.

So sorry, but this is utter crud.

I can't tell if parents work or not then I have met my 3 kids' friends or the hundreds of girlguide girls I have met over the years.

Also I spent pretty much every minute with my kids as they grew up. I cannot remember my youngest first steps at all, I don't think it's a big deal.

There are so many factors that can affect kids you could never pin it down to one thing.

Eg breast or bottle fed, sleep training or no sleep training, involved extended family or not, disposable income, health of everyone in the family etc etc etc

I have experienced teenagers having more respect for working parents than stay at home parents.

Especially girls who are more ambitious- they pick up social attitudes valuing people for their income and some look down on their Mums who don’t bring in any money or have a career.

It’s awful really yet you know a few years later when they start a family they’ll appreciate their mums in a different way. .

I feel it’s not possible to mollycoddle your children as a working parent the same way it’s possible to do so if you’re at home every day, obviously not all sahms do that, mine certainly made it a non negotiable requirement that we were all capable and independent! But some do, and it can’t be ideal for the children, in some cases where i know them as adults it’s definitely not been ideal.

Absolute rubbish, and I’d quite like you to say that to my mums or several of my aunts faces and I could sweep up the pieces after.

Believe it or not, yes. I heard it while sitting at a table for a wedding with 2 SAHM and one of their partner. "I don't know how people would trust a stranger to raising their kids" etc.

They didn't know me and at the time I was on maternity leave.

I don't have respect for people who say things like that but it does ring through in my head.

THANK YOU 🙌

Honestly, yes.

I have 3 friends who teach primary. They all say they can tell which children have been in daycare from early on.

.

Young children are more psychologically vulnerable than we think.

Well that didn't take long.

As a teacher - yes definitely! When I get an email from a parent about something trivial and demanding instant attention - yes it will be a SAHM. In my school there are a lot of mothers (not fathers) who have give up work and made parenting their full time—obsession— job and their precious child a project. Not good for the child who learns no reliance and is a total pain in class.

@sexnotgenders absolutely.

Me and my DH both work, but I was raised by a sahm mum and a dad who worked long hours but was home weekends etc.

I get so angry and posters on here with the crap they spout about shams. My mum was/is amazing. She is kind, creative, intelligent. She worked right up until having my brother at 30 then very happily quit. So no she was not being controlled, she didn't lack ambition, intelligence or imagination or anything else people on here love to speculate.

I always wonder about some of the posters on here and how they can go through life genuinely not being able to grasp how different people have different situations and personalities and just because they do something differently, it doesn't mean they are "lacking" in anything.

I work in a school and also could not tell from the children. Like pp. There are involved parents and uninvolved parents but it didn't relate much to work.

I also think there are so many working patterns. People can't really spot that mum does 2 night shifts a week at the hospital and dad does the morning and school drop off those days.

I should add that although my dad worked long hours, he was very "present". He'd always read to us at night, play and help with homework at weekends, he was at my hospital appointments and our parents evenings. Yes my mum did most of the house stuff, but I never saw it as "that's what women do" it was just how it worked for us and it was never taken for granted. Mum always talked about how she enjoyed working, but just didn't want to do it once we came along.

She took refresher courses when we were a bit older and had part time evening jobs later on, then did volunteering etc.

I don't think she set a "bad example" at all, if anything she always taught us that you can make your own choices and shouldn't let people put you in a box.

Nope

My sibling is a STAHM her children are no more advanced than mine in fact they are actually less confident in social situations - won't do sleep overs with friends always some drama with friendship groups at school and suffer from anxiety

Mine are definitely more independent - maybe too much? Probably more advanced in terms of talking reading and writing

as in sahm mums generally likely to be a bit less outgoing and quieter themselves, parents wanting to be in full time work more likely to be very social and full on personalities.

This is one of the silliest sentences I’ve ever read on MN.

The 3 sahm mums l know are very helicopterish and overinvested in their kids who are now at secondary school. Get involved in everything.

I have worked part tine since dd was born - nice balance for me but also underwlstand everyone's situation is different

I agree. I know many wonderful SAHP (some of them were teachers before becoming SAHP and actively teach their kids at home).

Many of the negative comments about SAHP on MN come from sheer ignorance of not having had or of being a SAHP and/or is unnecessary self justification for having to work full time outside the home.

My kids go to a school in a very wealthy catchment. Many parents are not tied to any sort of set working hours, many attend all school sports, shows, give career talks in school as well as walk their kids to school and pick them up when school finishes. Those with ‘jobs’ use breakfast clubs and afterschool and it is those people who work longer and harder and have more stress.

Which part?

In the cases where its a choice either way that is more likely to be the case. Someone who really enjoys being in the workplace full time is more likely to be outgoing and someone who is content being home primarily having children as company is more likely to be less sociable and doesn't have as much of a need for adult company.

Yes this.