Have you ever noticed a difference between children raised by SAHP vs working parents?

[EMC2022]

So I am a full time worker and have a DS. I always see people say things like "Why have a child if you aren't going to raise them yourself?". Although I try to ignore these comments they really do get to me.

DH and I both have well paid jobs and the reality is, if we were willing to change our lifestyle to a bear necessity type of lifestyle we could afford for one of us to give up work. Both of us would be content with being a SAHP but the reality is, we don't want to forfeit the nicer things in life for us or our DS.

I'm also very pragmatic and never want to quit my job and be reliant on my DH wage to keep us sustained.

So I am wondering, for anyone who has spent significant time with children raised by working parents vs SAHP, have you ever noticed a difference?

And what makes you think that? You clearly are prejudiced against WOHMs.

I could equally say from another perspective that SAHMs see themselves as superior to WOHMs.

I could also say that having always been a WOHM (with zero regrets I might add), SAHMs appear to me to be lazy.

Would that make any of these statements true???

Not really.

A couple of the best turned out DC I know are from a friend of mine who has a global job. In contrast someone who I have very little respect for as a parent is a SAHM. In fact I’ve met some shocking SAHMs and equally WOHMs.

So, to answer your question, I think the parenting style mostly determines how your DC turn out, rather than their work status.

FYI I was a SAHM for 13 years.

Also, as soon as your child leaves the womb, as a woman it’s your job to feel inadequate, guilty and like everything is your fault.

You are a SAHM your DC won’t learn a good work ethic, will have little resilience and you’ll have no pension.

You are a WOHM and your DC will be neglected and will hate you when they are older. They won’t be invited to play dates.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

TBH my advice to a new mum would be to go p/t. It’s the best of both worlds. I work p/t now and I’m much happier, see my DC, have a life outside and my pension is sorted.

What have I said that's prejudiced? I made one other post on this thread and it was two words long.

Calling SAHMs lazy is disgusting tbh and I shouldn't even entertain replying to you if that's your attitude.

🙄 oh do one.
Worked from 16 to 31 in various roles, sometimes two jobs at a time, as my parents weren't in any financial position to support me. First in my family to go to university. Completed a masters in a foreign language.
Staying at home with my young children for their early years because I had full time working parents as a child and absolutely hated it.
We all make our choices due to many different reasons.
Calling sahps "lazy" is vile.

Did you read the words, "I could say" or did you go straight to "lazy"??? Don't blame me for your lack of comprehension.

Another comprehension failure...

It does feel a little on here as though some sahm parents are desperate to prove that their choice was best. But we'll never actually know.
I had a sahm. I had mental health issues as a teen- except it was the 90s, so I was 'over dramatic' and 'negative.' I got through it.
Dh and I are wohp. If bf for a year. This is relavant if we're playing better parent top trumps.My kids have the benefit of my teaching experience and training on teen behaviour etc.

Both sahp and wohp are, on here, simultaneously responsible for better behaved and worse behaved children. It's a bit like the bbc bias thing, isn't it?

My dc are latch key kids. They also do some activities after school. One is social, one is a recluse. Both well behaved in school. Not attention seeking. Dc2 v compliant in school but not always at home. Dc1 compliant at home but loves a good debate.

Thinking about their peers, many of whom I've known since babyhood(wohp, pt, sahm. Left school at 16, 18,21. Had kids at 18, 25,30,40. Together forever, divorced, ) the only thing that differentiates them seems to be parental background and attitudes.

Here's an anecdote that made me stop and think at the time.
About 15 years ago I was teaching at a school in a very disadvantaged area. It was a large primary school, where children across the year group were put into 4 different ability groups for maths . One of the children in the top set said " Isn't it strange, all the children in this group go to Afterschool Club and Breakfast Club!" And she was absolutely correct, they did! They were all children of working Mums.
I don't know if it was chance, I suspect not. In that area, the working Mums were the ones who were desperate to get out, to improve their lives. The non-working ones mostly couldn't work because of language and education issues, and they were not choosing to be SAHMs in order to support their DC at home; working outside the home wasn't an option for many of them. A large percentage were functionally illiterate and/or from cultures where the women were not encouraged to leave the house. Their DC were loved and fed, but were not supported educationally.
Very different from the area I'm in now, where the SAHMs are ladies who lunch, or at least gym bunnies, and where the family income supports private tutors and lots of fun activities and holidays, as well educational outings with highly educated, well-connected parents. There's a huge difference in the cultural capital. In that environment, the children of SAHMs seem to do slightly better, if only because Mum is there to co-ordinate everything, can help with homework and has more time available to spend with her children than her working counterparts, who have stressful, but prestigious careers.

People do similar to SAHM. I got
"Don't you get bored?"
'' Don't you worry they won't be able to function without you as they are so used to you being there?"

Basically there is a lot of stupid comments and some.people seem.to enjoy making parents feel shite.

Btw no I didn't get bored and No I never worried they would be used to me being there all the time.. and in their 20s they are all functioning adults.

I would just tilt my head and go "No??? Why would I worry about that? How amusing"

Which thread? I'm really interested in this issue!

I think that me being a sahm has made my children feel loved and secure. We are very close and they talk to me about everything (I do tell them that they are not obliged). I don't think we would have had that kind of relationship if I had worked. My oldest is sen and dh is away a lot so it wasn't really a choice but I don't regret being there for them. My single dm worked ft with 3 dc and I remember being jealous of friends having a parent there when they got home from school.

I was a wohm of three (now adults) and they feel so loved and secure that I can't get rid of the feckers out of my house and they're all in their 20s!!😂

If you have that kind of relationship with your children, and I do with mine too, it makes fuck all difference whether or not you've worked.

I've a friend who was a SAHM and has a very strained relationship with one of her children, and doesn't really know why.

Is there a compromise for you I neither wanted to be a full time worker or a SAHM I did 3 days when mine were young and DH did 4. He went up to 5 and one wfh pre Covid. Now (due to redundancy and not children) I freelance around 4 days a week.

Both of us did it though me for longer

No as there are so many more variables. I do feel sorry for kids with both parents working long hours or regular hours with long commutes or working extra at weekends after working all week but can't really tell from the kids if it has an effect. But just both working full-time one or both parents could still see a lot of the kids with keeping to contracted hours, short commutes, certain shift patterns, working from home, generous holiday and/or taking some parental leave. I worked full-time when my oldest was a toddler but part-time when my youngest was a toddler and I don't feel this has had any negative effect on my oldest, she was with a wonderful childminder all week and thrived and is very happy, does very well at school and is confident.

Didn't mean to put wohm down at all. I loved my mother dearly and she did everything she could for us. But she was always overworked and really tired. As a sahp you have energy and can focus on your children because all house chores, dinner prep etc will be dealt with when they are in school which leaves time over to help with homework, play games and just talk. I would have loved it if my mum would have been there every day for me as well and the sad thing is I know she would have wanted to as well but she had to feed us with a loser dad who put our family in debt..

No you can't. Every family is unique. Every situation is different. I see the great value in staying home but also I know someone who stayed home for the wrong reason (to hide from the world).

I think ultimately you need to be happy yourself as well. Because the very best thing for your family is that you are not miserable or feeling forced into a situation.

it’s so nuanced as well. I work full time but I have flexible hours and work remotely mostly so I can do the activities and show up for the school stuff etc…. I feel like I’m getting the balance right.

Also remember when your children go into the wider world of work, college, university the people they interact with won’t know whether the parents were SAHP, worked long hours or part time unless your child discusses it. It might come up in passing but the boss, friend or lecturer will just see a resilient or capable person, who can bake or plays an instrument.

Also just to add. Most of the time I see parents getting the balance right. Like if one person has a very high level job and work crazy hours, the other takes a step back and is a SAHM or does some kind of part time arrangement. It’s hard to both do mad hours.

there’s just so many variables, the quality of the childcare, the hours worked, your mental health generally.

All of that is possible as a working parent too. It's going to depend on the individual and the job.

I'd be miserable as a SAHM. It's definitely better for mine that I work, I don't feel overworked or really tired day to day either.

That's fine if it's what you want to do. I never did, and I don't think it impacted negatively on my children at all.

For those SAHP worried that their kids are going to think that mothers only stay at home: sure, they might think that when they're small and don't have much understanding of the world. But as they get older and interact with other people they'll see the vast array of possibilities around them. So long as they're interested in the world there's nothing to worry about.

I home educate my kids so I've always been home with them. One of my favourite things my eldest ever asked was if men were allowed to vote. She'd always come with me to the voting station - and this was around the time of GEs and Brexit referendum and Scottish elections and (I think) EU elections so we'd been voting a lot over the past couple of years. She'd mostly just seen women in the polling station, and DH always voted on his way to work. Now she's learned a lot of history she understands how funny her question was.

@andIsaid thanks, thats a nice way of looking at it. My daughter is still pretty young and when she was younger we went somewhere, I actually think it might have been the doctors. After the appointment she said "Wow, that doctor was a girl" "Can girls have jobs like Daddy?" Now she was little but it hit me like a train! So I've made a big effort to make sure she knows everyone can work and do all kinds of jobs etc.

This is the only thread about this topic that I am on. :)