Have you ever noticed a difference between children raised by SAHP vs working parents?

[EMC2022]

So I am a full time worker and have a DS. I always see people say things like "Why have a child if you aren't going to raise them yourself?". Although I try to ignore these comments they really do get to me.

DH and I both have well paid jobs and the reality is, if we were willing to change our lifestyle to a bear necessity type of lifestyle we could afford for one of us to give up work. Both of us would be content with being a SAHP but the reality is, we don't want to forfeit the nicer things in life for us or our DS.

I'm also very pragmatic and never want to quit my job and be reliant on my DH wage to keep us sustained.

So I am wondering, for anyone who has spent significant time with children raised by working parents vs SAHP, have you ever noticed a difference?

See I actually think I'm more social since I stopped work 🤷‍♀️

But anyway having done every variant from 'big boss' job travelling every week through PT, WFH and currently SAH I think it can be one factor but there are so many others that are more significant. Educational level, social and cultural capital and background, family experiences (good and bad), personal beliefs individually and as a couple, and that's just the parents never mind the actual child themselves and all their nuances of personality and experiences.

In my social circle, the SAHM have the worst behaved children and passive parents. We've had a recent child join by DC's class at school. His mum was home schooling before this and the amount of children this child has hit- including mine- is concerning.

I think it’s a combination of guilt, jealousy and regret speaking.

@cantthinkofausernametoadd

Have you considered that the SAHM are forced to quit work to look after their children with SN…?

@NeedMedicationForLongCovid- I know that happens, I took time out of work to take care of my children when they were little too- but none of that applies to the people I'm referring to in my post. These are very comfortable families with no disabilities or SEN. But even then, shitty behaviour is shitty behaviour regardless of any diagnosis/es.

I know, right? I'm only a page and a half in and apparently I am a helicopter parent, have no ambition, have social anxiety. I wonder what else I have? Let's keep reading!

No, never noticed a difference with kids having working vs SAHM.

Definitely notice the difference between children who have siblings and those who don't though.

I truly believe they have to bash SAHMs to feel better about themselves.

I’m a mother of one 3 year old.

since she’s been 10 months old I’ve rushed her out the door at 7:10 most mornings to enable me to get to work for 8/8:30am. Late last year I decided enough is enough and pulled her from the childminder and I pulled myself from full time work. She is a much happier child but that being said every child is different. Mine and her bond is nicer but I think it’s me more than her I feel like it is because I’m seeing her more and getting to have a slower morning and take it all in. I just think it’s personal circumstances and your child isn’t going to change because of these they are very good at adapting and will get on with it just like my daughter would have if I kept pushing through I chose not to for me more than her and it’s benefiting us both but she would have been ok to still be going childminders mon-fri. You’ll always do right by your child never forget that ❤️

From my childhood cohort that I still know about the ones with SAHM tend to think that's the better set up and seek it out. My own brother is a horrible misogynist. But it was a very traditional village and misogynistic attitude I feel is the problem not having a sahp.

I work with kids and some who have always had a sahp defiantly are less independent, expect more from adults, need support for skills they have never needed etc. But it's certainly not all of them. Kids of working parents tend to be more independent but I also see terrible behaviour in some which I think correlates with high turnover of childcare/secure adults. So good consistent childcare while you work is essential.

Basically whoever has the kid needs to be teaching skills and supporting emotional development. Some sahp don't do the best job but done childcare don't do the best job. It's not about who is working or not it's about what the child is learning while with the caregivers

I was a SAHM for the first 3 years, did supply/part time for the next 3 and then worked full time once the youngest was at school.

Watching my children's cohort grow up to be adults, I'd say that the only difference I noticed was with the kids whose parents both worked full time and commuted a fair distance. Those kids basically got home, ate and went to bed at primary age, and only had parental input at the weekends. As young teens they were all over the place at the end of the day, hanging around because there wasn't much point in going home.

We felt fortunate to have jobs that meant that at least one of us was home by 5, and that any extra work we had to do could be done when ours were in bed.

Yes yes yes!
Keep working.
Give them the luxuries they deserve.
I went part time - my kids enjoyed other people / kids company instead of looking at me all day every day!

Plus, read so many threads here about women giving up their jobs, marriages failing and they've no money to leave.

I'm a working lone parent. The only thing I've noticed is that kids with SAHP's seem calmer.

I'm led to believe this, yes, after many threads with the same responses. It wasn't even the point of the op, but alas!
I guess we all have to deal with our own mothers and childhoods one way or the other (some do it more constructively than others).

American daycares are very different to British nurseries.

Surely this is dependant on how parents discipline and also the kid's temperament? Some kids are just more quiet and compliant. But 4 year olds NEED discipline, they are hard work and push every button they can find!

To answer OP, I think the main differences can be seen in children's whose parents aren't involved as has been mentioned above. I know this is a small sample but I'm a SAHP and my daughters best friend has a working mum, I don't see any differences in the girls. Me and her mum are both involved and loving parents. You can absolutely work and be involved and have an excellent relationship with your children.

I also worry about my kids thinking this is what all women do so I make sure to try see women working (try see a female doctor if we need to go etc.) and explain how we get money from jobs etc. we have books about the jobs you can do, girls can do anything etc. I prioritise education and learning and hope that will help then with whatever path they follow.

Also my husband's mission was to show the girls how they should be treated in a relationship and he always has put his all into parenting when not working. He also helps around the house too and we both cook etc.

As a teacher yes i can mostly tell when both parents work full time. Its why i decided to take time off when the kids were little and only go back part time.

What behaviours do you typically see in those whose parent both work ft?

I have been a variey of 'mums' over the years

• when they were preschool I was essentially a SAHM
• When they were all in infants/primary I worked a couple of hours a day from home whilst they were at school
• Then as they got older primary I worked more hours including a couple of days til 5 when they went into afterschool club
• now they are all GCSE/A level age I work full time, DH WFH though now so is around generally when they get home from school

I dont agree that all SAHM kids are feeble and clingy and can't do anything for themselves and that all Working mum kids are really independent. I know several mums who have worked full time since thier children were in nursery after maternity leave and one -their grown up children can't even make a cup of tea and she has to drive them everywhere, another has to sit with her tween age child to do homework with them - she cant be in the same room washing dishes, she has to be monitoring everything they do when they get home, and then does all the chores after they go to bed. My kids take turns to cook the family meal, have always had to do age appropriate chores and even when I was SAHM, DH always did 50/50 when he was at home - cleaning, childcare etc.

All children of sahp are a total pain in class?

You need to publish your findings which go against almost everything I have read.

You should correct your work by the way!

I also worry about my kids thinking this is what all women do so I make sure to try see women working (try see a female doctor if we need to go etc.) and explain how we get money from jobs etc. we have books about the jobs you can do, girls can do anything etc.

Why worry so much about this?

I presume that you reflected on your upbringing when you had your dc and picked out the things you found good to bring to your own child. I am sure the re is a lot you left behind too.

What your children get from you at this point is love and security and a strong history of their needs being met.

The usual results are strong, resilient people.

Things are going seriously wrong with children.

If mental health stats are accurate, and if we are not over diagnosing, it is clear that we have gone wrong.

So far, we blame smart phones and resulting access to sm, porn etc, not wrong btw, Covid - 19, industrialized food for obesity problems and so on.

One thing is clear though and that is that the majority of these issues are modern and recent.

Conversations need to be had.

Of course, nobody wants to shut women in the home again but as creative entities (humans) we need to think, talk and create solutions to problems we have created.

On whose part???

I have a good friend who was a SAHM for 20 years.

Now regretting her lack of a pension.

Here's an idea. Have a look around your work colleagues and suss out who had a WOHM and who had a SAHM. I am pretty confident you won't be able to tell which had which...!

Are you on the thread running about this at the moment? You make a lot of sense to me.