Child faffing around/not paying any attention at clubs he wants to be at

[Losingthewillnow]

Hi

My daughter is 8 (yr 4) and I’m at my wits end, in particular with the way she acts in clubs.

She’s always been one to struggle with attention span, and I’ve always been happy enough to go along with the “she’s just young”.

School says she daydreams and needs to be kept on task but behaves well. Academically she’s no concern at all to the school, but personally I think she’s capable of much more just doesn’t have the focus (this isn’t meant as a stealth boast, I know she’s academically bright but without the focus/drive it evens out to average and that’s fine).

At home, she’s generally ok as she has some choice in what to do but still does have the occasional tantrum and quite often refuses to do homework.

The clubs she goes to and I stay are a disaster and she is definitely the worst behaved in both (football and swimming) and just mucks around the entire time. In football she’ll be doing karate kicks and rolling on the floor, swimming she’s constantly bobbing under the water and seems to try to pipe up with totally inappropriate remarks to try to be funny. She misses the instructions and is always clueless as to what she is meant to be doing. In the past, she was often in groups with older kids so I assumed it was just an age thing and she’d get better but it doesn’t seem to be the case at all. For Brownies, I don’t stay but have been collared by the leader about her lack of listening and her being a distraction to others.

These three clubs are ones that she enjoys and wants to go to, and afterwards she always says so genuinely that she thinks she concentrated well (with swimming and football she knows I’ve been watching) and gets upset if I say she didn’t.

I’m at a loss because I don’t know how to help. My daughter wants to be at the clubs but as time goes on she’s starting to become a bit of a nuisance when others want to actually concentrate and try. I’m the embarrassed parent of the kid that doesn’t do what they are told and disturbs others.

I’ve tried explaining that if she doesn’t listen she’ll get left behind (she’s most often a sub in football games because she’s a liability to the team, with swimming other kids are passing the stages much quicker because they do as they are asked, in school she’s dropped from “exceeding” to “meets”) and that the general silliness will not be tolerated for long by her classmates who all seem to be growing up a lot already.

I’ve tried bribery, which doesn’t work either because she’s adamant that she has behaved well when she hasn’t (and the emotional reaction she has does make me think that it is her genuine thought, because the bribery isn’t only some sweets etc. as a reward).

I really don’t want to cut ties with the clubs, but this seems like my last option! Football might be a possibility to pick up again later, but swimming and Brownies have huge waiting lists and if I give up the spaces they won’t be an option in the future.

Any advice or sharing of similar experiences would be appreciated. I’m just at a loss how to approach this because it’s not getting better with time.

edit - as is typical, I’ve noticed a typo in the title that can’t be changed. Daughter is obviously a she not he and I just don’t check my typing.

Thank you for the suggestions, it’s definitely a case of finding the right fit but also not destroying my daughter’s confidence by allowing her to try something and then immediately saying “no” if she wants to join!

It’s hard broaching the subject with leaders of clubs beforehand because they all feel obliged to say that they’re inclusive, but I think if I can speak to them on the phone it’d be a better way of gauging whether they mean it or if they are just saying the right words.

No diagnosed ND in our (very small) family, although I do suspect if I was a child now I’d have been diagnosed ASD based upon the reports of my parents and how “badly” I do on the autism assessment questionnaires.

I’ll definitely be asking for more help/information from the school, and I’ll be asking whether they have considered ADHD and if they have ruled it out why they have done so.

I’m not one of these parents desperate for a label to excuse behaviour, I’d much rather she was immature. Whatever the situation is though, she needs some help understanding social norms and expectations and then adhering to them/finding a middle ground that works for everyone otherwise I can see her becoming very, very left behind soon.

Sounds like my brother who has adhd. It's not naughtiness - he just can't do some things in a neurotypical way and he needed to figure out how to make things work for him as he got to understand himself better.

My daughter is on the pathway to an autism diagnosis. As per lots of autistic girls, she masks hard all day long so school never saw a problem - it all comes out at home. I went to the Gp and was referred to cahms. It takes 'forever' so worth starting now even if you find a way to make it work better for you - you can always turn it down later on if you're okay.

I'd personally drop football and replace it with something individual as well - try martial arts maybe? Or something really active like parkour? I do think there should be inclusivity in sports but it's tricky in a team sport if someone's behaviour is affecting the whole group. Really depends on the setup of course - football where I am is mostly coached by parent volunteers so they wouldn't have any training or specific skills in managing behaviour.