Thinking about moving away from my son

[BryanR]

Hi. I have really been struggling with this situation for the past year. Looking for some feedback or maybe someone else dealing with a similar experience.

I have a 4yr old son with my now ex. She convinced me 2 years ago to move out of my home state which I loved and move across the country. Things didn't work out between us and now I'm stuck here because she's not going back and my son is here. My family and friends are all back in my home state and I honestly have a better life set up for me there.

I still trying to keep it positive where I'm living and make the best of it for my son. I'm going to give it another 1 - 2 years before I decide if I'm moving back or not.

Is it wrong of me to leave my son for my own mental health? I figure I would set up visitation that he would come visit me a couple times per year and regular zoom calls. Then maybe when he's 18 he'll want to come live with me or go to college out where I'd be living. We'll pick things up in life when he's an adult.

Thoughts?

It's a tough choice, but the options are very clear. Stay, build a relationship with your son and be there to support and guide him as he grows up. Or leave, and return the life you used to enjoy.
It's your choice, nobody else can make it for you. But my thoughts are:
If you stay, hopefully you will in time grow fond of the place, make closer ties with local people and perhaps find a new partner.
If you leave, you will have a life which feels safer and more comfortable in some ways, but you'll miss your son and have to live with knowing you let him down.

Are you for real?! You don’t get to take a year to ‘rejuvenate’ as a parent. You take an afternoon at a spa and a yoga class once per week. You get meds if necessary.

It's good to hear that, OP. Yes, you will adapt as time goes on. Break ups are horrible and it will take time to recover from that as well. Good luck.

I get the holiday thing. I don't live near my family and the tail end of the Christmas season can feel very lonely when your own nearest and dearest have gone (if you were together at all) but your more peripheral people are still busy with theirs and aren't around for you.

Nobody is having a go at her because there are no children involved, they aren’t even married, just a couple in their 20s. They are saying move back to the UK before you have children, that is to avoid her being in the same position as the OP in a few years.

The OP is a grownup. He might not enjoy it, he might struggle at times, but he is capable of doing it. It might not match his culture or politics but he does at least speak the language, has a job and the right to work, and he doesn't need his ex to sign off on everything he does.

His friends and family also have Zoom. The ones who care about him and his child will be making efforts to invite him, visit him, to keep in touch, to support his mental health even at a distance. He hasn't said whether he has told them yet that he needs that support.

He can do this! But he has to believe it's worth making the effort.

Re how long it takes to drive the width of America- a quick google shows me that it takes between 4-6 days driving 8-10 hours a day. It’s 2,800 miles wide at its widest point. The country is beyond huge. I’ve done a road trip across NY to Niagara and that took the best part of a day and night with stopping for breaks etc.

op could literally be at one end of the country, say in Texas and his home state could be Maine at the other end which would mean thousands of miles in distance. Without knowing the finer details it’s hard to comment but it’s probably a fair distance if he’s needing to fly.

@ShrugGood Yes, every state has its own personality and most of us can identify certain states that we’d never move to. DH and I have had several job opportunities in Texas, for example, but we just couldn’t live there.

The problem is that the OP agreed to move to this state and now his son is settled there. It’s unfortunate, but once you agree to move, you’re kinda stuck. Our last move was cross-country and it did take me about five years to settle in our current state. Luckily it’s worked out.

I do feel for the OP, but I think that he needs to prioritize his son. One thing I will say ( and this may be different where you live) is that holiday entitlement has improved considerably in recent years. 10 days used to be the norm, but now many employers offer 3-4 weeks, thank goodness!

That's not how it works. Women don't lose the right to parent their children because they have experienced trauma.

@BruFord I live in the UK but visit the US for holidays. Dh used to work for a US company but we lived here. I also know exactly what you mean when you say no to Texas.

I think it may be different for you because you moved across country with your partner, you said "our last move". This chap isn't in a relationship with the Mum so it must be harder. I am a trailing spouse and one move saw me spiral into depression. I left my job, friends and hated where we lived. If I hadn't had Dh would have been completely destroyed mentally.

@ShrugGood Yes, I do sympathize with the OP, he clearly hasn’t settled in his current location. But it sounds as if his home state is very far away and that’s not great for his son.

He also mentions that his ex has trauma from her childhood-what if she finds it hard to cope at some point and he needs to have primary custody? It could all get very messy and disruptive for their son.

The OP has said that he’s planning to give it a couple more years before making any decisions, which I think is a good idea. He’s working and perhaps he’ll make more connections. 🤞

You took a gamble and agreed to move with your ex, it didn't work out but you don't come first now, you have a son and you are responsible for him and his emotional wellbeing.
If you were my son and even if I missed you like hell I would be ashamed to think you were considering moving back and abandoning your son because you don't like the state.
Make some friends, join a club, move a little bit further away that suits you but still allows you to parent 50/50 but get this moving back home out of your head for at least the next 14yrs, it's selfish and if you indulge then you will ruin your sons life.

If you think you're quite likely to move away, OP, it's worth considering whether it might be better for your son to have a regular routine with you for the next 2-3 years which is suddenly taken away from him at a formative age or whether it might be best to move away/reduce contact sooner to soften the blow.

IMO, the worst bit of this is knowingly lulling your son into a false sense of security that his dad will be actively involved in his life when you know you're effectively going to disappear from it. If you're planning to leave, then I would consider doing it while he's younger rather than waiting several years, so he and his mum have the opportunity to build a stable life without you now and so he doesn't make the mistake of assuming you'll be there for him throughout his life.

It's one thing a relationship suddenly ending and one parent leaving, or a parent suddenly dying, etc, but to plan to walk away in several years' time while pretending you'll be sticking around sounds like a terrible idea.

I do understand. My parents didn’t move to Birmingham, they left the country.

I’ve got family all over the states. SIL is American. Step dad is Indian-American. Friends in Texas. Doesn’t change anything about what I said above. Won’t change how that kid will think.

I understand. It would be heartbreaking to leave my son.

Just feel like I'm living my ex's life. She wanted to move across the country because she cut off her entire family, mother and all, because of her traumatic childhood. She is a very mentally unstable person. But I have not seen any negative behaviors towards our son. I very much love my family and where I was from, she's the opposite.

Some days are better then others. I'll just keep fighting the fight for my son and hopefully things will get better mentally for me.

@BryanR The more you update, the more important I think it is for you to stay close by for your son. If she’s not very stable and has cut off her entire family, he could grow up very isolated. You need to show him how happy, functional family relationships work.

I know that lol.
I was asking @BryanR because he made a point of including it as a concern.
I notice he failed to answer, as well.

Errrr there's no way a 4 year old would be counting down to change his surname. That's a mother saying things she shouldn't be. Poor child stuck in the middle

@Ladyj84

You're incorrect. My son is nearly 14 now. He's not seen his father for many years. He asked about changing his name. I told him it isn't possible until he is 16 and is legally able to. He's not "stuck in the middle". His father abandoned him. His father's "OW" wanted rid of our son as he didn't figure in her plans going forward. My ex husband is a weak man and chose to do what he was told. I hope that clarifies my position.

I never said I wanted to abandoned my son. Although I clearly understand when you're not physically present it can have that effect. If I did move I still want to have a relationship and introduce him to him to back home where he was born which 2600 miles across the country I might add.

I honestly feel as he gets older he'd want to come live with me once he realizes his mother is a little "off"

Shes well enough to care for him, provide a good home and makes really good money running her own business. But outside of that she is mentally unstable. It's messed up to say but this is all her doing and whatever hardships come about she brought it on herself. She made her own bed and she can lay in it as they say.

But I have read all your comments and appreciate the input. I will continue to choose to be with my son for now because I love him and I want to be here for him.

Yes, shes so mentally unstable your willing to move far away and leave your son with this mentally unstable woman for the majority of his life 🙄

And it is abandoning him.

I think you should go. Leave him with his mum because it sounds like your just going to try and alienate him against her anyway. Definetly do move far far away and leave him and his mum in peace. Your toxic

‘I never wanted to abandon my son […] although I clearly understand that when you’re not physically present it can have that effect.’

This is the epitome of ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ responsibility dodging.

Basically: ‘I don’t want to abandon my son, but if he chooses to misinterpret my absence that way then so be it. And frankly it probably means he’s messed up like his mom. Nothing whatsoever to do with me.’

No I don't play those games. I always make sure he sees her in a positive light no matter what I think of her. It's his mother and he loves her too

Anyway, when are you moving? I think you should do it asap

I'm staying put for now and going to work hard to make the best of my situation so I can be with my son.

That's a shame. I think it would be best for your mental health if you went back to your friends and family. You'll be a lot happier. Your son can visit and maybe come and live with you when hes older